What to do...If anything!

[ladybird11]

So my DD (almost 5) has a friend and I've become friends with the mum, lets call her K .

Recently during play dates etc we generally stay at the playdate location and chat as it is quite convenient that we both have a DS about the same age too - so its like a double play date.....

Anyway, I'd been noticing that K absolutely stresses out when she loses sight of her DS for more than 20 seconds (literally), she's almost frantic (our DS's are both 3); but if her DD goes AWOL its a blaze 'meh' type response. If there is a little fight between her DS and DD she'll 98% of the time side with her DS - even when he may be at fault (I know the kids are all so young they're still learning boundaries etc). Anyway, in summary I am seeing a lot of favouritism to her DS, to the point I felt a little sad for her DD. She says the playdates held at my house are different because I interact with the kids (I just set up art and craft activities, obstacle courses etc, nothing over the top). She said when the playdates are at her house 'the girls are so quiet, they just go in her DD's bedroom and colour in'.

One day K told me how 7 years ago she'd lost her son at the age of 5 to a brain tumour - things then clicked (for me) as to why she may be seemingly favouring her DS over her DD. Maybe, I dunno, I've never been in that position.

Lately she's been complaining how her DD has been really acting out against her DS and as she explains it 'its like DD wants to make her DS cry and is happy when she can actually make him cry'. So right there is another reason for K to protect her DS.

She has been asking her FB friends what she can do to stop the fighting and a part of me wants to say 'pay attention to your DD' and so far the other part of me saying 'shut your mouth Ladybird its not your place' has reigned supreme. I just feel sad for her DD, she's such a polite little girl (whilst at our house anyway lol)....

Anyone with some insight?! I know its a hard call as no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, but just from the stories K tells me - lets just say they're all geared towards her DS.

I'm certainly not passing judgement on K, its a case of she has been asking for advice / help and I'm not sure if its best I give my 2 cents.....

[Rouge]

I would but that's just me. In a very diplomatic way. And not on fb. But privately. But yes I would say something.

[Teeki]

Maybe angle it more towards general advice, and maybe day it's worked for you? As you have children the same age, I'd probably say something like "My DD went through something similar. She was so used to having me to herself for a few years, it was hard when DS came along and as he got older she started acting out. I found spending good quality one on one time with her helped and was important to build our relationship together apart from DS."

There's no need for her to know your thoughts re favoritism, but it sounds like the girl does need some time with her mum.

[PumpkinZulu]

I would but that's just me. In a very diplomatic way. And not on fb. But privately. But yes I would say something.

Agreed. Something along the lines of "maybe DD is acting out because she wants attention and positive reinforcement?" Suggest special mum and DD time activities, maybe tell a white lie and say you know people whose children acted like that and a little one on one time made the world of difference?

[*Efjay*]

Maybe angle it more towards general advice, and maybe day it's worked for you? As you have children the same age, I'd probably say something like "My DD went through something similar. She was so used to having me to herself for a few years, it was hard when DS came along and as he got older she started acting out. I found spending good quality one on one time with her helped and was important to build our relationship together apart from DS."

There's no need for her to know your thoughts re favoritism, but it sounds like the girl does need some time with her mum.

I think this is a great way to go about it.

[ladybird11]

Yup, I agree Rouge, in person is the way to go, and like you suggest Teeki, relating it back to my kids would be a tactful way to put it :-)

Thank you ladies!

[Traveller]

From a person perspective, my boytwin almost died as a newborn (in part because I didn't notice how ill he was) and was very ill on and off for ages afterwards. I became very protective of him until one day someone sat me down and was excruciatingly blunt with me about the effect this favoritism was having on my other kids. I'm glad she told me and perhaps your friend will be glad to but be prepared for her to be very offended, at least initially, because she almost certainly hasn't noticed her own behaviour.

[Rouge]

From a person perspective, my boytwin almost died as a newborn (in part because I didn't notice how ill he was) and was very ill on and off for ages afterwards. I became very protective of him until one day someone sat me down and was excruciatingly blunt with me about the effect this favoritism was having on my other kids. I'm glad she told me and perhaps your friend will be glad to but be prepared for her to be very offended, at least initially, because she almost certainly hasn't noticed her own behaviour.

This is why you should. Because I would want someone to tell me. And I'm grateful to my friends who do. People don't do things like this knowingly. And you could be saving a family years of rebuilding when this stuff comes up as adults.

And trav you're awesome.

[onthefly]

Good luck! I hope your friend appreciates your advice.

[Riss10]

Perhaps you could take her out for a drink (just the two of you) and see whether she wants to open up about the death of her little boy. I imagine it is something you never get over, and is something she is probably still dealing with herself. She might appreciate speaking to a friend, who is a little disconnected from her family life. You could suggest that given everything that has happened she may be favouring her son over her daughter and the daughter has picked up on it.

You sound like a lovely friend, and just what she needs.

[Mum2twoBoys]

Maybe angle it more towards general advice, and maybe day it's worked for you? As you have children the same age, I'd probably say something like "My DD went through something similar. She was so used to having me to herself for a few years, it was hard when DS came along and as he got older she started acting out. I found spending good quality one on one time with her helped and was important to build our relationship together apart from DS."

There's no need for her to know your thoughts re favoritism, but it sounds like the girl does need some time with her mum.

I think this is a great to go about it at first. Then if she doesn't get the hint, maybe try being more blunt about the favouritism.