I am starting to get very uncomfortable

**lilima** · January 16th, 2013, 05:59 AM

I dress nicely for work. As a community social worker I tend to dress to the occasion- meaning sometimes jeans an T if taking a client out (so I blend in and don't look obvious- no one wants to look like they have a worker) if I have a meeting with hospitals , or agencies I will lean towards more corporate wear. If I am in the office it will be smart casual, no denim.

There is a senior member of staff who comment constantly on what I wear. He says things like'- I hope you are not seeing a client dressed like that.' I had on above the knee shorts and a long loose top, no cleavage or anything. He also says things like "are you going to the opera?' Had on a long skirt. 'You look like a hippie' had on a pink and orange skarf. All of these , although innocent make me uncomfortable. Also the fact that many oter females dress the same and he never comments to them.

There are 3 of us that he comment to regularly. We are all slim. We all dress nicely. We are all different ages . (20's, 30's & 50's)

He is not my manager. I have told my manager, but more to let her know- and not as a formal complaint. After yesterday's comment and seeing him look me up and down, I think I should take it further. I hate confrontation, and I have to stay working with ths man. He is in his late 40's.

Anyway I suppose this is more a vent, but f anyone has similar experiences, yor advice would be greatly appreciated.

**PumpkinZulu** · January 16th, 2013, 06:02 AM

No advice from a professional perspective, but from a personal one, may I say ewwww, what a creep.

**maybebaby2012** · January 16th, 2013, 06:29 AM

I would tell him upfront first that you don't like it and it has to stop, give him a clear message that it's unacceptable and the chance to remedy his own behaviour before reporting it. He should know better, but some people seriously just don't!
If he continues to bother you after being made aware that you are uncomfortable then I think you have grounds to complain right away.

**RhiChiChi** · January 16th, 2013, 06:35 AM

I would tell him upfront first that you don't like it and it has to stop, give him a clear message that it's unacceptable and the chance to remedy his own behaviour before reporting it. He should know better, but some people seriously just don't!
If he continues to bother you after being made aware that you are uncomfortable then I think you have grounds to complain right away.

Totally agree. It is inappropriate and needs to be addressed before it escalates

**beansbeans!** · January 16th, 2013, 06:41 AM

Agree with Maybebaby, but if you are not comfortable with confrontation, why not get the other two women he does this too and confront him together? And if he doesnt take you all serious then yes its time to make an official complaint.

But yeah what a creep

**emmjayt** · January 16th, 2013, 06:43 AM

Ewwww. Creepy. And totally unprofessional. I would definitely tell him to stop. Then if he continues take it further

**Mum2twoBoys** · January 16th, 2013, 06:46 AM

Agree with the others, this is bullying in the workplace and is not to be tolerated.

**Nai** · January 16th, 2013, 07:26 AM

It's not appropriate and I would politely and non-confrontationally (if that's a word) say to him "I don't think that it's appropriate for you to comment on my appearance at work" and leave it at that. If he continues, take it to your manager and say that you have tried to address it yourself but it hasn't stopped and it makes you feel uncomfortable.

**LionsandBears** · January 16th, 2013, 08:04 AM

As above, but also start documenting things. When and what you told him, his response and if he continues to make comments, what he says, when and if anyone else is around.

**Phteven** · January 16th, 2013, 08:09 AM

Ewww.
I think the other women have given you great advice.
I hope you can make it go away soon.

**AliBaby** · January 16th, 2013, 08:17 AM

not nice at all.
You shouldn't feel uncomfortable at work at all. It is good that you have spoken to your manager about it and I would definitely say to your co-worker that him commenting on what you wear makes you feel uomfortable. You could do it with the other girls if you don't feel comfortable by yourself. Just make sure he knows that the 3 of you are serious in your requests for him to stop.

**Jaycee** · January 16th, 2013, 08:47 AM

As above, but also start documenting things. When and what you told him, his response and if he continues to make comments, what he says, when and if anyone else is around.

This is great advice, completely agree with this and all other responses.

It's not cool and has to stop.

**little_O** · January 16th, 2013, 09:13 AM

Is he doing it in a downgrading way or in a sexual way (or both). Is he impeccably dressed all the time?

Just thinking if you can make a smart comment back to put him in his place?

There ways has to be one pita in the work place! You certainly shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable. What a creep!

**Novella** · January 16th, 2013, 09:21 AM

I would tend to snap back somehting along the lines of 'What are you a fashion commentator?' Not very professional though. You should probably say something along the lines of 'it makes me uncomfertable when you comment about what Im wearing' although if youre like me and non confrontaional it can be hard, maybe you could change the 'you; in that sentence to 'people'. I hope you can resolve this quickly and start feeling more comfertable at work

**lilima** · January 16th, 2013, 07:54 PM

Novella. You are spot on, and if I am not careful I will snap back......
Thanks everyone. I have started marking it in my diary, and telling my manager when it happens. I probably will try and say something very level headed next time he says something.

**OceanPrincess** · January 16th, 2013, 08:19 PM

That's not cool. I'd try Nai's approach... Maybe he doesn't realize?? Dunno. Good luck.

**fionas** · January 16th, 2013, 08:43 PM

I'm pretty sure that our harassment policy stipulated that if you found something offensive then you had to let the person know before taking up official channels. (So as PP have said).

So yeah, I'd ask if you could have a word with him then tell him that his comments are making you uncomfortable and you'd like him to stop commenting on your appearance. Don't feel you need to justify it, just use words like "uncomfortable", "inappropriate" etc. If he really wants to argue the toss, I'd tell him that I'd be making a note that you had this conversation and will be making a note of any more comments he makes.

**AndiE** · January 16th, 2013, 09:06 PM

Anyway I suppose this is more a vent, but f anyone has similar experiences, yor advice would be greatly appreciated.

Yes, take it further as it IS a form of harrassment. I could be wrong, but I'd suggest he's not unaware that his comments are having an impact. Go back to your manager and ask her to take it up with him. It can be handled so there's no ill feeling, I'm sure. If he persists then it could be taken up in a more formal manner via an official complaint. Your manager has a duty of care to you and your colleagues.

Years ago someone I managed continually commented on my appearance in front of the rest of team that I managed - she made sure she was heard. Always it was "you look really tired, are you stressed", "you look like you had a late night, are you ok", "the hem of your skirt is showing (er, it was the design of the skirt)" - on and on it went. In isolation you might think she was concerned I was burning the candle at both ends, or got dressed in the dark (!). But there was a pattern to it and I realised fairly quickly it was to undermine me with the rest of my team. I ended up calling her on it and asked her specifically not to comment on my appearance in future. She ended up losing her job, not for that but for many other reasons. But still, whether it's a manager or someone you manage, it's not on.

thread: I am starting to get very uncomfortable

Thread Tools

Display