Am I being unreasonable....had to attend to sick parent..
My brother who lives in another state with his wife and two young children, came over recently. The original plan was for him to come to Sydney as it is his 50th birthday next month. They were staying in a place nearly 2 hours from our home. They wanted us to go up on the Saturday for dinner(it wasn't anything HUGE) just a very quiet family dinner.
My brother had not seen my mum for two years. He rarely phones or keeps in contact. So he and his wife have been out of the picture for a very long time. Mum's health needs have increased and there have been significant changes. I tried to tell him in an email(various times) on her illnesses and what she was dealing with but they got it ignored. So I figured he didn't want to know.
Mum was in hospital all of last week. As her carer I had my hands full. Prior to that I am busy with her most days. I have health issues myself and because I don't drive(because of visual impairment) am catching trains, buses etc.
Anyway.............the day my brother and his wife arrived my mum came out of hospital. We had not long ago just walked in the door.
I had a myriad of medications to sort through and pack(I pack my mums medications)..had to do some shopping and unpack her bag and attend to washing. I noticed her garage door was not opening and had to attend to that. So there was a lot of issues. I was exhausted mentally and physical and,, as my mum has short term memory loss, I often have to remind and repeat myself.
Anyway..........my brother and his wife and kids stayed one night but it was like they were out of the picture. They didn't bother to ask mum how she was. She is in severe pain from previous spinal fractures and confined to a chair most of the time. She has carers coming in and I take care of afternoons and weekends(do her shopping, take her to med appts, attend to her medication).
The next morning they left as they were staying in a house nearly two hours away from mums place.
They wanted mum and I and my husband and older brother and his wife to come up. I told them that I was exhausted and I could possibly catch up again in Sydney. Mum finds it difficult to sit in a car for long periods of time....(she is in her 80s).
My brother's wife is a nurse and I thought she would be understanding. I have had several texts asking me to bring mum up.
Finally brother phones mum and mum says to brother sorry but you are both welcome to come and stay with me..(mum doesn't mind having the company and two little kids as well)She just met her new grandson on Tuesday so she wanted to get to know him some more.
Brother now tells her that his wife is allergic to cat fur and they can't come and visit or stay..
We are puzzled as they had a long-haired cat for many years until he was put down about a year ago. The cat was outside and the cleaner did come the other day.
I am wondering if it is an excuse....
I am so exhausted..mentally and physically and have had a lot to catch up on in my own life because I have had to attend to mum.
I thought my brother and his wife could compromise just this once. They are both physically, fit people(they are atheletes competing in trialolthons(just to give you an idea of their level of fitness)....
SIL is a nurse and grew up in different parts of the world as her parents were missionaries. She is used to "roughing" it.
Love them all dearly but wondering why they cannot compromise or is it asking too much on our behalf.
I have not stopped being a carer for many years..prior to helping take care of mum, it was my FIL who passed away in 2012 after a tragedy in a nursing home fire...
your thoughts...Sorry if this is rambled. I am tired.
The reason for mentioning the garage door not working..Police were at mums last night to tell her the neighbour had been broken into..now I think they were trying to get into her garage and have broken the automatic door..so I have b een stressed about that too.
Doesn't sound like you are unreasonable at all. However, it's hard for people who don't see how much you do all the time and who don't see your mum very often to get perspective on just how difficult it is for you to get away.
Has there been much communication about all you've said? It could be that they're wondering what the big deal is about you guys coming to them (I must admit, if they've got a small child I kind of know how it feels to want people to come to you for that reason) but perhaps they are just not completely aware of how complicated the situation is, or indeed at how unwell your mum is?
If that's not the case, and they are aware, then I think I'd feel pretty hurt in your position - that they'd come so far to visit and yet... not visit. Hugs.
Mum wanted them to come back and stay with her ..it is easier for her to communicate at home...she was concerned about the cold air in the mountains....I have sent various emails to brother in past two years but he ignored the bits about mum not being well. Iupdated on FB but there was no comment....
I feel sad for them too but I was hoping for a compromise....seeing mum had gotten out of hospital the day they arrived.
I understand they have little kids but it is easier to pick up a child then an 82 year old lady with crushed vertebrae
Perhaps I am being unreasonable......not angry with them..just disappointed. Couldn't control the situation with mum and cant seem to work it all out with them.
The other morning I woke up and didn't know where I was and was told this was extreme stress. I don't know how to put that into words with brother and his wife...My older sister said it is because we are all disjointed from each other..lead different lives. Our lives here have been flat chat. I wish I could just pack up and go sometimes but can't....or difficult to arrange everything. Spoke to commonwealth respite this morning to try and get some respite for tomorrow and was told that I have used too many Saturdays....
Am I being unreasonable....had to attend to sick parent..
I don't think you are being unreasonable. BUT it is possible that they were also being reasonable within their own constraints too. They may have their own reasons why they cannt / won't change things to fit around you. It may just be that this was a time where things couldn't quite work out so everyone's needs were met.
It is sad when that happens, and usually both sides end up feeling jibbed and misunderstood by the other. But it happens all the time.
We have this issue with DH's family often. We travel a LONG distance to see them, but our personal constraints / desires for the trip often mean a conflict with regards to who we see, for how long, and where. They want things their way (for whatever reasons - valid and not so valid) and we are unwilling to change our entire trip just to suit individuals (be it his mum or his siblings) because it means it does put us out significantly. I can see why 'they' prefer the options that fit around them and are easier for them, but they arent readier for us - and part of me cannt help but think 'hey, we came ALL this way, surely you are willing to come just that little bit, which is nothing in comparision". ((or at least not get stroppy just because we don't do what 'you' want))
So, no I don't think you are being unreasonable given your circumstances, BUT you don't really know what their circumstances are either and it is unreasonable to think that they should have to change whatever plans they have in place to suit your situation.
Misty I get what you are saying and perhaps so...but I just can't seem to gel it altogether..its totally out of my control now...
Now I have other things to deal with, getting garage door fixed,(because of robbery - mum is in a villa) taking mum to drs ....and I am not well myself.
It just might have to be we do this another time when mum is better.....I think it was just unfortunate she was unwell and had to go to hospital but I understand they cant change their travel plans....my brothers birthday is next month..perhaps we could do something else
But all is not lost my older brother and his wife can make the journey to see them this weekend...so they wont be totally without family
I wish I could wave a magic wand and mum is better so we can make the long journey.
I have to take care of her tomorrow so don't know how I could make it and commonwealth respite cant help this time.
I think I need to take a breather..it's difficult being a carer sometimes. All is not lost..he isn't 50 yet..we will have to do it another time.Sorry for rambing..my thoughts are all over the show.
hi thanks for replies. I have looked into respite..the organisation that helps mum(package) are stepping up the care by an extra day..and Com respite called back to say they can help tomorrow.
Mum would become very anxious with respite..although I need to get her into it soon as I am going to breakdown..
Good news - older brother called a few hours ago to tell me he had organised another plan and they are coming to Sydney to be at older brothers place for afternoon tea - it isn't as far away, about 1/2 hour and I can take mum there and we can all hang out together.
It used so much of my energy and time....but at least the outcome is better.
thanks so much...
just exhausted mentally and physically
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Am I being unreasonable....had to attend to sick parent..
I think you are under a lot of strain trying to keep everything together.
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