To help or not?

[little_O]

At what point (if any) do you stop trying to help someone?

DH and I always seem to differ on this. I'm the type that keeps trying even after the person sometimes quite clearly doesn't. DH has the motto "you only learn twice"..in other words if they don't care/respond etc that's their problem and he wipes his hands clean.

At what point do you stop trying to help someone/give advice?

[TickToc]

I tend to help & put myself out there for multiple times until either my help is not needed or I have the heartbreaking & frustrating realisation that I'm putting in more time & energy to help this person than they are putting in to help themselves. That's when I walk away. Sometimes for good but sometimes I just have some space while I detach from the persons problems/issues & then let the friendship back into my life but with boundaries & less investment on my behalf.

[Teeki]

I think it depends on what you're helping with and how the person responds. If, as you've said, the other person stops trying, then don't keep going yourself. It's up to them to do the most part - you're just helping, not doing the whole thing.

[Miss.September]

Depends on the circumstance. It could be that the person you are trying to help believes they don't need it and that's why they aren't receptive of it. I clash with mum a lot on this - she sees me going about my day to day busy life and is forever trying to jump in, where it makes me feel incapable and useless.

I'm happy to make someone a meal, drive them somewhere should they need it, offer a friendly ear. But if it's clear it isn't needed or wanted then I leave it at that. Persistence is very annoying, especially if you're trying to stand on your own feet.

[Mum2twoBoys]

It depends on the person and particular situation.

I stopped trying with my alcoholic mother, when she allowed her husband to assault her (not massively) with no thought how it would affect her or her family. And now I'll be there if she wants me, but until she's willing to make a change herself, I'm not going to put much effort in.

[TickToc]

Hug WilliamsMummy, I have (and currently still am dealing with) experienced the same situation with my mum. Xxx

[Mum2twoBoys]

Hugs to you too ticktock, you can only do so much for someone who doesn't want to help themselves. You can't force someone to quit something, and stay off it, if they don't want to.

[tofu]

I am answering PURELY by life experience.

I think it's wonderful to help another human being and something I will continue to do as long as I live.

But the time to STOP is when it STARTS affecting your life, emotionally, physically and financially..and when the boundary walls you have built around your life begin to crumble....

I have learnt that we can be there for others but we cannot save them or rescue them NO matter what we do.

I applaud you for what you have done or am doing but when you feel the burden of it in your life and SEE no change in theirs, then it is time to stop and take a break and start caring yourself.
hope this helps.

[Amity]

I will help once. Not financially, but in other ways.

Whether I will help again (or on multiple occasions) depends completely on the response I get, the first time I help.

I will not help those who a) refuse to help themselves; or b) aren't grateful.

A bit of gratitude goes a long way.

[Mother Goose]

I stopped helping my sister when it became clear she was unwilling to help herself despite asking is to bail her out numerous times in numerous ways.

I will help friends when I can but, like Divvy, I may only do it once pending the response. It's not that I want reward or thanks, but I live a busy life and if the recipient is taking advantage of me or is totally ungrateful - forget it. Never again.

I will offer help and if declined then so be it. But I don't always wait to be asked because a lot of my friends are too proud to ask for help.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Depends what my help will do, tbh. If it will genuinely help someone and they are pleased for my effort, it gets done. (eg a woman I didn't know too well recently called me in desperation as she had hurt herself and had a small baby in the house, she needed some medical supplies for her injury and help looking after the baby. Helped like a shot and we're better friends now. I also "babysit" for free Liebling's friends in the school holidays on occasion: helps the parents who need to work and helps me as Liebs has a playmate for the day.)

If my help is in fact a means to perpetuate a bad cycle, or is not wanted, I won't offer. And I won't help if asked if it is not going to actually help in the long-run. (eg financial bail-outs to people who are just living the high-life and show no signs of even trying to stop beforehand, or arriving at someone's house and doing the housework without asking/being asked.)

I suppose I am judgemental in offering my help. But then, it's my aid you want. My time, my money, my effort. I get to pick if I put it in or not.