I haven't posted for a long time, life is pretty busy but every once in a while something comes along and I think I should post and see what others think.
A couple of weeks ago my SIL mentioned to me that they were getting their son a new DS for his birthday and that if we liked my eldest son (6 yrs) could have his old one. I said to her that i'd talk to my husband about it. I discussed it with him and I think we agreed that while there is no harm in him having one he really doesn't need one. We have a Wii and he plays it from time to time (nothing major) and the kids will be getting a computer for Christmas. I personally don't like how unsociable they are, it's my opinion and not the opinion of all I am sure. So anyway DH saw SIL and some stage and told her thank you but no thank you regarding the DS.
This weekend my son went away for the weekend with my DH and his family (SIL's brothers and kids), they got home last night and my son has been given the DS DH claims that they were on their way home and while he was out of the car getting some food my son was given the DS by his cousin. My SIL was in the car knowing fully well our choice in this and when DH returns he feels helpless to say anything. I'm pretty angry. I feel our right as a parent has been totally disregarded, I feel terrible for thinking I just want to take it off him and give it back. I'm not ungrateful but we made a choice here!! Where is the respect? I could never ever do this to a parent be it family or not and if my son did it without me realising I would very quickly do something about it. It's a DS with a handful of games, I don't want my son to think those things are just something you give away like a couple of football cards.
Honestly this SIL does a fair bit that bugs me and this has really impacted a lot of that. I'm just so angry right now. DH doesn't want to do anything because he's worried about what will be said behind our backs... I don't want to cause any issue because my gosh the family has enough right now but who does that?? I feel really bad because i'm so angry when I see my son holding it (which is all he's had a chance to do with it so far) it's not his fault.
Am I just letting my feelings get in the way here??
I feel for you. You are not overreacting.
However I don't really feel there is much you can do without starting problems within the family. Silly really, but I can see how things could deteriorate over this. You deserve to have your opinion heard, but it wasn't. Perhaps you can somehow come to terms with this quietly with you and your husband.
For now, I would start by setting out some rules, limits etc so that this thing does not become something you look on and loathe. I don't have children that age yet, but I guess there are members of BB who have managed to set out acceptable limits around technology and handheld devices etc.
I would be annoyed that what I wanted wasn't respected, but I think you already know that the relationship you have is not quite as you'd like it, but that it'd be a shame to make it worse.
I don't think you are over reacting either it was done in an underhanded way. Lenny has good advice for you on how to move on from here I think taking it off him will just upset your son and it isn't his fault.
Thanks ladies, i'm really upset that our decision wasn't respected but I don't want to cause any issues. DH and I are fairly non confrontational and she is the exact opposite, it just feels likes she's done it believing we would never confront her anyway.
DS is thrilled to have the DS but at the same time he'd never ever asked for one previously, I just figured keep it that way as long as we could. We will be sitting down with him and his brother (4yrs) to have a chat about our expectations with it right from the start. I have told him that it is not his and that it will be for all three of them to share.
Lenny you are very right, I need time to calm down about it and move on for the sake of peace in the family. Choose my battles
Perhaps SIL didn't realise how strongly you felt about the issue? If your hubby just said, 'Nah, but thanks anyway', instead of explaining that you felt strongly about your DS having a DS (!) then perhaps SIL thought no more about it then cousin gave it to your DS and she figured he was happy so all was good and you could deal with your DS if you were unhappy.
I do think your DH could have dealt with the issue at the time by saying something along the lines of 'you can play with it in the car, but you need to give it back to your cousin when we get home'. Instead of feeling helpless because your DS now has the DS, I think you simply need to accept that he was given it and make a decision about what happens now - do you take it off him, let him use it for limited time etc. Move past the fact that he was given the DS when it was against your wishes and make a plan for the future. The fact is, we can't control the actions of others, we can only respond.
I realise that you have a history with your SIL which is affecting the way you feel about this issue but I'd just look forward now as I don't see this particular incident as a very big deal.
Your SIL knew how you both felt and this is shown in how it was given to your son. They waited until they were on the way home. There was plenty of time during the weekend for it to be given to him.
She sounds like the SIL who will not respect your view even when you confront her.
In future if anything else is offered let her know it must be given to either yourself or your DH or it will be given back. That way you have control of the item/s and can give them back without any effects on your children.
In future, if things are given directly to your children tell them you will have to give it back as her children must have accidentally told them they could keep the item. This will also stop her off loading stuff she wants to get rid of
As for now, limit the time they are allowed to use the DS.
Don't stew over what is done as it is only affecting you not her.
I am going to disagree with the other posters, I think your history with your SIL is clouding your judgement.
No one 'needs' a DS, it is a toy, it is fun, your son didn't have one now he does have one. Maybe they were being deliberately sneaky and underhanded, or maybe they just didn't get that it was a big deal to you. Either way, I don't think it matters, either keep it and share it amongst the children, put boundaries around its use like you already do with the wii (any toy could potentially become antisocial if used obsessively can't it??) or wait a few weeks 'til the interest has died down and donate it to someone who will appreciate it.
Having said all that though, I don't judge you, my children own toys that annoy me just for the fact that my MIL bought them! It's fun to have in laws isn't it?
I think your annoyance is valid, but there's probably not a lot you can do it about it now.
If you have ongoing issues with your SIL you kinda have to suck it up for the family's sake, or have it out with her - I imagine neither option really appeals to you.
As for the DS, if it were me it would 'break down' very soon.... and we'd put it away to get fixed at some undefined time in the future.
Thanks for the for helping me sort this in my head ladies.
I get along ok with this SIL but that has a lot to do with my tendency to just let things go. She may not have known that her son was going to give it to my son at that particular time but she knew what had been discussed between adults previously.
You are very right, my issue is with her and without going into too much detail it's all very justified. We're very different people, with different morals and different parenting styles.
DS is home from school and we've had a chat, all I can do is see how things go and take it from there. At this stage we have the DS but no charger so hopefully it'll be flat soon and who knows when we'll get the charger from them
Hopefully I will get a chance to say something, I feel it's a bit of a lesson for me in learning to stand up for myself a little better. I'm always the one that is pretty speechless in the moment and then think of all the things I 'should' have said when it's all over and done with.
Talk to your kids about it. Tell them exactly what you've said here - they've got the Wii, and really, that's enough for them. And then maybe toss up the idea of giving it away to a charity? My DD1 is always keen to help out other kids who are less fortunate. She'd give away the train in her hand as it rattled along her train track to make a kid with no toys feel happier.
Then you get rid of it AND you get to troll your SIL.
Am i overreacting?
DH claims that they were on their way home and while he was out of the car getting some food my son was given the DS by his cousin. My SIL was in the car knowing fully well our choice in this and when DH returns he feels helpless to say anything. I'm pretty angry. I feel our right as a parent has been totally disregarded, I feel terrible for thinking I just want to take it off him and give it back. I'm not ungrateful but we made a choice here!! Where is the respect? I could never ever do this to a parent be it family or not and if my son did it without me realising I would very quickly do something about it. It's a DS with a handful of games, I don't want my son to think those things are just something you give away like a couple of football cards. 
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and who knows when we'll get the charger from them 
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