How to un-stick a super velcro baby? Vent & Advice please

[Netix]

I know I have made this bed in regards to "letting this baby walk all over me", just like I did with the other two (according to those super-clever old ladies you chat with in the shops ), but I need to change things. I cannot go on like this. I am in constant pain from holding 11kg worth of child all the time, and am losing my sanity in regards to absolutely no space at all. Yeah, I know that as Mums we don't get to have five minutes to ourselves to have a shower or go to the toilet or even feed ourselves, but for me (like a lot of you probably), my shower is to the tune of crying or screaming from Mack, I have no choice but to go to the toilet with him sitting on my lap, and when I sit down to eat, he wants to get out of his highchair. When I try to eat and one of them is screaming or crying like that, my appetite disappears and I can't eat.

I cannot do housework without holding him. I can only put him in the baby wrap if *he* wants to be in it. Since I've had the new one (which incidentally, is identical to the loan one I had), I have never been able to have him in it at home. So I can't wear him and work. Yeah, housework can wait, but not forever. I am getting the Man and the Boy to do more to help, but I really need them to do EVERYTHING, and that is just not possible. Plus I want to be comfortable in having people over, and not failing our rental inspection next Monday! I can't even cook or do anything.

Okay, vent over. I need help with how I can start to put him down, get that bit of space (and time) I need for 1) me, and 2) the house. He co sleeps, I have not even set up his cot, as I just can't put him down anywhere to sleep. For the moment, when it will be set up, it will still be in our room, can be right next to my side of the bed. He is still bf, night feeds and a couple during the day for going to sleep.

This little boy really was "sent for me", I just need to be able to function without him in my arms,

[No.5]

DS was a velcro baby. DD is to an extent but thankfully she is (sometimes) happy to play in her play area for parts of the day. Never when I need her to mind you, but it's a start.

No real advice just an understanding shoulder. DS is still very much a velcro child now, even at 6. Drives me insane some days but I'm sure I'll miss it when it is no longer. Doesn't help you now I know.

Hope you get a sanity break soon, somehow. Will be watching for some tips..

[~clover~]

I'm really not going to be much help. Except to say I have one too, but she's slowly loosening the grip... enough to wreak havoc! If she's not on me, or at me, she's doing something she shouldn't be.

My advice is to use the other kids to entertain him. Or sit him down in the kitchen with utensils he can play with. Different things they don't usually get are way more fascinating. Even put water & bubbles in a bowl, on a towel on the floor, with a whisk, spoon etc while you cook dinner. If amuses him for 10 minutes here & there, he'll slowly (hopefully) start to be more interested in other things & let go a little. Give him his own spray bottle & sponge to clean while you clean? May not work for the length of a shower, but you might just be able to do a few things with him at your feet instead of on your hip.

And the Wiggles? At that age mine weren't much fussed on TV, but the wiggles & all their singing, dancing & bright colours can work. I know you're not supposed to use the TV that way, but I really don't care, I have & I will! (I hate the new Wiggles BTW )

[JLeigh29]

Ooh, sounds just like my DS! I mean, exactly like my DS! Except that we didn't co-sleep. So that was my housework and me time.

Nothing really worked here, and he's just starting to grow out of it in the last couple of months (he's 3.5), to the extent that I can go to the loo with him at the door, or shower without tears. But there were a few things I did to help with my own sanity...

Organise myself so that housework took the minimum amount of time...put the washing on the timer at night so it was ready to hang out, start prepping dinner at lunch time (cos it'd take til dinner to get finished), use the hand vac as it was quieter and easy to park somewhere if I could only do a room at a time, use a clothes horse rather than a high washing line, involve Bub. Not like 'normal' babies where you can give them a bowl and cloth while you wash, a pile of pegs or their own towel to fold, but actually have them doing what you're doing - DS would sit in the clothes basket and I'd do one item at a time, pulling it on his skin as it went past, then quickly rush it on the line before he realised I wasn't touching him! I'd put the pegs on his shirt or in his hand. Worked about 20% of the time...As he got older, he'd sit or stand on my feet or hide in the washing line while I did 2 or three things at a time. I'd be able to get a bit of dinner prep done while he had arvo tea - so finger foods became really important! The highchair was touching me.

Me talking/singing (til I lost my voice!) bought a 1 minute shower before the screams started and having the bouncer in the loo with me manually bouncing it sometimes allowed me to go to the loo without him ON me! Daily baby massage and snuggle time in the arvo with my choice of music helped me stress less (almost like I was the one being massaged). If I showed I was agitated/completely and totally over being held to ransom all the time, he'd get even more clingy, so being calm helped. Eating while I held him, or while he ate was the norm - never try and eat when he's not eating or with you! And being hungry made it harder to cope with it all.

Are you happy with the sleeping? If he slept without you, would that give you enough sanity time that the rest of the Clinginess would be somewhat manageable? If so, maybe slowly work towards getting him so sleep more independently...

[Santosha]

Janet Landsbury's blog (Google it!) has a lot of articles that give ideas around fostering a child's independent play skills and in setting firm, clear, but respectful boundaries.

It might help to actively teach/support him in enjoying his own company more and also to be clear that whilst you understand that he wants to be with you (and validating of the emotions that separation brings up for him) that Mummy needs space too and that's ok.

Typing around my own velcro baby (but at 5 weeks, that's just fine... for now ) so hope that makes sense. Please do ask if you want me to clarify... my brain is so scrambled ATM, it really feels like I am typing gibberish!

[Arcadia]

Wow it sounds so intense. Dd was clingy but not so much once she was walking. Am I right he's now about 16 months old?

Will he go to your Dh? I would be more inclined to manage your need for housework help and time to yourself rather than trying to impose more independence. So shower at night after he's asleep, get some housework help if you can etc

BUT!!! I would certainly try the tv or an iPad for short spurts of time for the toilet or sanity!!

Do you have some toys he really likes? What about joining a toy library so you can get loads of flashy noisy stimulating toys that last a week then swap? He might just need more distractions to allow you to do your own thing.

Being cramped and touched out is a horrible feeling. You're an amazing mummy.

[Netix]

No.5; Mack will play on his own sometimes, but like your DD, never when I need him to, and it is only if I am sitting on the couch. I don't have to be watching him, just as long as I'm not doing anything I really need to be doing. Enter Pinterest and other phone based time wasting.

Clover; The other kids (DD and DS) try to entertain him, sometimes its okay, but no comparison to be held by Mummy. He regularly raids the kitchen utensil drawers, as well as pulling things out of the kitchen cupboards. The utensils don't last long before I have to go round them up from throughout the house, or rescue his fingers potentially from tongs and the can opener. As for him 'stock taking' the cupboards, my sanity will not cope with that atm. He also helps himself to sponges and 'cleans'.

Lol, I had to write out this reply on paper this morning, and as I did, I had the wiggles on. And Mack in my arms. He was dancing before, standing on the coffee table, until I sat down to write, then he turned around - "MUM! HOLD ME!". Arrrrgggghhhh! (yes, new wiggles are awful, we have "vintage" wiggles, lol).

JLeigh29; Yeah, the whole co sleeping thing makes a *huge* difference. I don't get that housework or me time. I would have to start prepping for tonight's dinner yesterday lunchtime, and if I had a kitchen to work in. Currently there are dishes from Monday/Tuesday (and the days since) piled up in the kitchen, waiting to be washed. I have refused to do them, they are the job for the Man and (mainly) the Boy. But obviously they haven't been done, even though he has been home ALL DAY Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday (yesterday). It's not like he does any other tasks about the house. Last night I sat at the dining table chopping (slowly) mushrooms and capsicum for pizza with Mack sitting on my lap, fingers on the chopping board. That really sucked.

A container of pegs might keep Mack occupied, but only if I try to put them away while he tips them out. Hanging up and taking down washing from the line outside is my only doable tasks. He loves playing outside, but I can't leave him outside while I do stuff. Am considering moving the kitchen outside though! Oh, and he lets me put washing on as he knows that when the machine is done, he gets to go outside.

It is not enough for his highchair to be touching me. I have to be holding him, and eating with me holding him is quite normal. When I lose my appetite from the screaming, I don't get hungry for ages. I just get extra cranky from lack of food.

I am not entirely happy with the sleeping arrangements. Again, he has to be touching me to sleep. Either on the boob, or against me, or actually ON me. I don't think he needs night feeds, that is just a huge comfort thing. Unfortunately dummies are a no-go. I would love to get him to sleep independently!

Santosha; Thank you, I will look up that blog. And your brain typed just fine.

Arcadia; Intense is an understatement! Yep, he's sixteen months. He will go to DH, but not much, and certainly not as much as I would need. There is no "at night after he's asleep". He goes to sleep either just in my arms or on the boob, and wakes immediately if I make the smallest move to put him down. Or even just think about it! I can't get any more housework help than I'm currently getting. Which is next to none.

Tried the tv, don't have an iPad, etc. Still no toilet sanity. No distraction works well enough.

Thank you, I just don't feel very amazing.



I have booked him into the creche at the gym in town (25 minutes away ) for an hour on Monday mornings. Hopefully we can build it up from there. DS was clingy too, but not like this, and after being in (long) day care, things improved immensely. I am hoping for the same miracle here. Whilst I won't be able to go home for the time he is at creche (probably even if we manage to stretch it out for the maximum of three hours per session), I can have my me time. He is good at shopping, etc, and I prefer to take the kids with me shopping so they don't go crazy the rare time they might go otherwise. I hope to maybe find me. Maybe my hobby. Or maybe some ABA training.

[JLeigh29]

I still spend 90% of my time within 2m of DS....whenever he plays, I have to be in the same room, the same side of the room in fact! I fold washing on the lounge as well as the usual 'time wasters'!!

I would be working on getting The Man and The Man's Boy helping more...it's not acceptable in my opinion to be part of a household and not contribute fairly. Does he know how you feel? What happens when you straight out ask him to take DS, help with tea or wash up? Can you set up a rewards chart/pocket money dependent on TM's Boy helping? And TM can 'choose' his jobs so he feels like he's getting a say....

It also sounds like you want to make some moves towards changing DS's sleeping habits....find an approach you're comfortable with and go from there. It's slow going, but if it means your sanity is saved, you'll be a happier and therefore better Mum

The crèche is a good idea. Enjoy the hour of 'me' time! If The Man is home all day, can he take DS outside/to the park/at home while you shop/get a coffee/get your hair done/have a bath etc? It sounds like some more time out would make it easier to cope with the inevitable times when DS is stuck to you!

FWIW, I too think you're doing an amazing job

[nickle730]

I have nothing to offer but my sympathy! I too have made a 'rod for my own back' (yes, thank you old ladies for your wisdom!) and my nearly 3 year old is still as velcro as they come. We co-sleep and she won't go to bed without me. Drives me bananas. Can't wean her because she cracks the sads and I eventually give in - she helps herself overnight and can even work around a tight sports bra. At least these days she gets the toilet paper for me, so she's useful when she comes to the toilet with me -every single time.

The only time she doesn't need to be on me is at the shops - where she like to bolt.

I love her, I really, really love her. But sometimes I just want her to GET OFF ME.

[JLeigh29]

The only time she doesn't need to be on me is at the shops - where she like to bolt.

Yes! Why do they need to be within 3mm at home yet Are happy to bolt when you go out?!