How Do I "Let Go"?

[Debbie Lee]

Hi guys,
I have been having a little bit of a battle with myself about how I stop being such a control freak as far as Gabby is concerned.
I will whinge and complain like the best of them about how Neil doesn't really help me with her that much but I don't really give him much of a chance.
I am just so scared that he won't do what she needs properly. The few times he has looked after her while I have gone to work for a few hours, I have come home to a baby that is either meant to be asleep or is asleep and not wrapped (thus she wakes up 10 minutes later) or she is wrapped in some kind of weird-arse way (even tho I have shown him how to do it properly).
Recently we have had some issues and Neil pretty much said to me that I have to learn to let go. He said that whenever he tries to be assertive with Gabby, I just take over.
Sometimes I am aware of it, other times I don't realise I am doing it.
Gabby is in such a good routine at the moment. She is up for 2 hours, down for 2 hours. She is happy and content and I am getting plenty of sleep (well, compared to some - I know I am very lucky). I am really scared to step out of the routine in any major way in case it results in a baby that suddenly wakes up 3-4 times a night and we are back to square one.
Even if we go out at night time and we get home later than planned, it stresses me out. If we go somewhere on the weekend and Neil isn't ready to go as soon as Gabby is ready, I freak out also.
When we left Gabby with Mum a couple of months ago to go to the movies, we came home and she hadn't given Gabby the bottle I had left for her. Obviously Gabby was quite happy the whole time we were gone but I was so worried that she hadn't fed in all that time.
It's like I focus too much on what "should" be happening and I don't trust that anyone other than myself can do it.
It's getting easier and easier as Gabby stays awake longer and I find myself saying "I can't wait until she gets to an age where she has 1 nap a day". It's like I am wishing her precious little life away!!
I always said that I wouldn't be a control freak but, here I am, doing exactly that!

[kirbay831]

I only have small advice.. though you're problem made me smile a lil (and scared about myself.. I get a bit anxious when I have to sit in a diff seat in classes.. haha control issues there?)

I think the first and main thing to think about.. is how you're doing. You have a beautiful baby, who sounds like shes doing really well. Its hard to remember those parts though when you're stressing..

I guess as far as relaxing control, easiest way is just a lil at a time.. I once read something by a writer who I find totally hilarious (she mainly writes about bringing up her to children).. its about Zen-ness and 'being in the moment'.. Try and sometimes question yourself.. when a lil stressed "Does this tiny small thing, really matter in the big picture? Will it create a huge problem? And maybe.. can I just enjoy this moment, not worry about what is wrong with it?"...
In her column I was reading.. she was talking about putting all the effort of getting her 2 yrold in a full snowsuit.. then once in, the child needing to go the toilet.. thus starting the whole thing over again.. and she tries saying to herself.. "There is only the snowsuit. This moment is to be enjoyed too, even if its not the picture perfect moment of playing out in the snow".
Its just something im even trying to do myself.. when I get all controlling about everything (which i do a lot).. Sometimes.. ive even found myself.. saying (to myself ofc) "theres only the snowsuit" lmao.. just a focus point to make myself relax (i dont even get snow... lol)
Even though its not much, hope it helps.

[christy]

awww Deb IKWYM... when I go to work and come home & everything is so different, the food she's not eaten, is asleep without lunch etc... I panic. I try to not let it get to me, but its hard because you spend everyday planning the routine, working things out finding what's best for Gabby then to come home & it not be working....its frustrating.

I only can say its really hard to do, but to just let Neil or whoever is with her know that if things are done differently it may make things turn out differently at the end of the day, which makes it harder for you. Also just know that our girls know when they have been left with someone else, and Matilda goes back into her "mummy" routine as soon as we are together again. She spends every other Sat with daddy and every Sat when I get home from work I stress about what she has/hasn't eaten, what time she's gone to sleep etc.... but things usually turn out okay, and she's alive & happy and had a good time. So I have to take my stressed bum out of the room & have a shower & go to the shops & leave them again until I can relax. LOL That happens most days I work....

So sorry not too much good advice, just I hear you and its really hard to let go. I guess I've chosen not too, but to accept it anyway.... 8-[

[Debbie Lee]

Shannon - so glad I am not the only one! I once went right off at Neil because he was doing the clothes washing wrong. He hasn't attempted it since. Thus the reason why I am asking for people's advice. I don't want to scare him away from parenting.

it's better to have someone else do it the wrong way than me have to do it all

- yep... that's right and that's what I have to work on.

Christy - thanks for the reassurance that everything goes back to the "Mummy way" the moment you walk through the door. LOL @ needing to get away again once you get home from work so that you can relax.

Onelittleone - You are so right. This routine is going to change in a blink of an eye (as each of our routines have). It's not so much that he wraps her differently but that his wrapping is ineffective. She can get her arms out no worries, LOL. I didn't say anything to him tho - I just let it slide but I was screaming on the inside.

Kirbay - I will try to remember "it's only the snowsuit" LOL I am the queen of making a mountain out of a mole-hill. I guess I just have to do little bits at a time. Leave Gabby with Neil more often, ask him to do specific things more often (instead of trying to do it all and getting frustrated) and leaving her with Mum maybe every couple of weeks even if it's just for an hour.

Thanks for all your support guys!

[Rouge]

All I can say is try really hard! Marc has always been hands on, and I have always let him even when I've thought to myself "I wouldn't do it that way" etc. I look at some mothers who have worked themselves to the bone for X amount of years doing EVERYTHING and I am glad I bit my tongue with Marc. We all need to learn, no one is born knowing all the answers or what to do. We just get more time initially as they go off to work and we are left to figure it out for ourselves. I think its really important to let dads dress them daggy and feed them something strange for breakfast as thats Daddy & them time, and I think as mothers and wives we owe it to them to let them bond with their children too. Unless they are doing something dangerous I would let it slide, or be extra helpful. Like if you know there's going to be a daddy date coming up lay out some clothes you want them to wear, teach them what goes with what. And PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE! Guys don't like to help when they think whatever they do is wrong. So praise them, but at the same time gently show them how either bubs is used to things or how to make it easier on themselves etc etc. Look at it this way, dads these days are superstars in comparison to a few decades ago. I know of old men who would have refused to push a pram let alone change a nappy or console (or attempt to a crying child. They may not be perfect but they won't get better if we don't let them

And can I also say kudos to you deb, the fact that you are aware of this so early says to me your DH has it better than you think You aren't making excuses you are trying to find solutions so keep that in mind before you go to beat yourself up again

You are doing a great job!

*hugs*
Cailin

[Debbie Lee]

Thanks, Cailin LOL @ letting the DH's dress the babies in daggy clothes and have a weird breakfast - I can SO see that happening! My BIL used to put some "interesting" combinations of clothes on his little girl when he had her.

[Rouge]

Awww shucks thanks

Deb, thats the beauty of it. I remember when I was in hospital having Paris one of the midwives said you can always tell when a dad has dressed a child, and even moreso if its his first or second So I guess that says they do get better. And just think you'll have to go through it all again when they want to dress themselves and refuse to take off those fairy wings or spiderman suit no matter what you say!

*hugs*
Cailin

[Rouge]

LOL Shannon we must have posted at the same time great minds hey

*hugs*
Cailin

[Debbie Lee]

LOL - ooo yeah! I have allll that to look forward to.
My friend's 4 yo little boy refuses to wear anything but shorts and t-shirt - even on a freeeezing cold day. It drives her nuts!

[christy]

OMG you should see some of the things DH comes up with for clothes....lmao!!! I thought he had some weird form of lost fashion sense when it came to Matilda, but in reality I could lay an outfit or two out for him & he would somehow mix them up & put on the weirdest things... in the end I just decided to let him go lol

[barbie-up]

It took me 18 months to let go and that was only when I started working at nights. I think cos Nick was a bit scared in the beginning by Cait and I just completely took over. No one could wrap or bathe or feed or settle as well as I could !!

At least your other halves dress the child - I come home from work at lunchtime on a Friday, and Cait is still in her jammies.

One example that might make you relax more - one of my old playgroup mums was control-o mum for so long, her boy, who is nearly four, still won't let anyone do anything for him - help him with his shoes, get a toy or anything for him, lift him into the swing, help him on his bike - mum has to do it all.

I'm sure we'll all be a bit more relaxed with the second baby .. won't we ?


Barb.

[nellbe]

I wanted to let you know Deb that I also KWYM... and I am like Shannon, I've been like that before Matty come along, so I knew it was going to crop up. I have gotten better, I am pleased to say.

DH has dressed Matty in some wonderful combinations, isn't it funny how they do that? So yes, I do the deep breath and think to myself, isn't it wonderful that he is even willing to help out, let alone change his clothes... I try to say thanks and the moment passes.

My true test comes in a couple of weeks when DH and I are sharing the primary care so I am going to have to learn to let go pretty quick. I am already psyching myself up!

[Debbie Lee]

Barb - that's what I am afraid of! I don't want Gabby to be one of those kids that can only be consoled or helped by Mum. Those sort of kids drive me batty at the best of times. So far she's pretty good - she'll be held by anyone but I hear that can all change at 6 months. LOL - yes... hopefully we will all be better with our second baby. That must be why first-borns are always screwed up :boggle: (I can say that cos I am one ).

Nell - of course! You are really getting thrown in the deep end soon, hey? I in a way, I wish I could do something similar - I tend to cope better when I am just forced to do it, kwim? Still... I think Matty will be just fine. So, he will be dressed really weird for a few days of the week - it can only make him stronger, right??

[{sarah}]

Deb I left Zander for a full day with Aaron to go to work once & from this weekend onwards he will have him every Saturday.

We have a whiteboard on the fridge & I put on it things like -
* Last bottle at 6am, next bottle due in 10am, if he is whingey give it to him earlier. Give him a bottle roughly every 4hrs after that.
* If he rubs his eyes, gets sooky & yawns he's tired, put him to bed.
* Don't forget to put the side up on the cot. (he forgets!)
* If he spews on his clothes another set on the change table. (or wherever they are)
* If the dummy falls on the floor put it on the sink & use a different one.

I just try to put as much on there as I can think of then put a note saying "if you need help ring me or one of Zander's grandmothers". Oh & usually "have a great day, you can do it!"

[Debbie Lee]

That's a great idea, Sarah! I think Neil would appreciate that. I will definitely do that when I leave Gabby with him for an extended period of time (which will have to be soon so that I can get over it ).
Hehehe... I giggled at the dummy bit too!