Another Twist In The Saga

[fionas]

Bit of background. DP has a 14-year-old daughter who normally lives in the US. Starting in September 2006, she said she was unhappy living with her mum - basically not getting along.

So we agreed she would move here for 8 months from Jan - Aug last year, with the aim of giving them some time out.

At the end of that time, SD said she did want to go back to the US and she was confident from talking to her mum that they could have a better relationship.

In the meantime, I had DD - 4 days after SD left.

A couple of weeks before SD left, her mum told her that she had a new man in her life. I said, "make sure you get it in blood from your mum that he hasn't already moved in." So SD seeks reassurance and was told "yes, we are taking it very slowly, he knows you are my number 1 priority honey."

So of course, when she got off the plane, as I predicted, her mum had already moved the boyfriend in. Very sensible.

So everyday since then she has been telling DP that she wants to move back. I should say that I got completely stressed out about it because it was at a time when I was expressing (for two months) for DD because of BF problems, I also had an unstable pelvis making it difficult to stand, bend or walk and on top of that we are living in a house that needs a combination of repairs to one bedroom and renovations to another so we couldn't accommodate her.

So, not the best of timing!

Anyhow, DP and I agreed that she and her mum should make a decision by Xmas with a view to her moving out here in July.

Throughout that time, I kept saying to DP - you'd better make sure you have a proper talk with her and make sure she's really sure she wants to come because she can't keep going backwards and forwards, not fair on anyone.

So fast forward to March. SD's mum is really shonky with money so we had gone to the expense of finding a US lawyer and getting him to draw up paperwork outlining a few things regarding custody/finances.

And lo and behold, SD's mum throws the boyfriend out and now ... SD has decided she doesn't want to come. Mind you, she also said that if she gets into cheerleading over there, she'll stay but if she doesn't then she'll return to Oz. Yes, we are definitely dealing with a teenager.

So now, after that very lengthy background (sorry), what to do now? DP is very disappointed but I think it's actually a good thing that the boyfriend has gone because at least she will be able to see how things are with just her and her mum. Otherwise, if she'd come over and then they'd split up, she may have been tempted to go back.

I've suggested to DP that he tells her that he understands and he just wants her to be happy etc. We're expecting things to go sour again with her mum and I've suggested that when it does, he also offers to pay for some counselling for her regarding the 'where should I live' dilemma to make sure she's thinking through all the pros and cons. I think it's a really major decision for a teenager to make and it's hardly surprising that she's confused but maybe it would be better for her to talk to a third party rather than her mum and dad.

D'you think that's a good idea and what else would you suggest?

Thanks for getting through this little epic!

[DoubleK]

wow it must be hard for your SD, having parents in different countries! my friend did the same thing moving back and forth between parents (melb-Rye-Melb-Rye)
i agree she may need to think through her choice of where she decides to live, but at 14.. thats a hard thing to do!

sorry im no help, but i just wanted to say good on you for getting through all this, your SD is lucky to have an understanding & welcoming Step-mum!

good luck with everything!!

[Bathsheba]

When my parents separated I was 12yo and Mum took my sis and I over to Western Australia.... my Dad remained in NSW. We went over with the new boyfriend. My homelife was shocking to say the least. I kind of toyed with moving back to NSW but soon my dad remarried and that option kinda closed. You are such a wonderful stepmum! What a fortunate girl to have your caring and support. In retrospect I probably should have moved back with my father as the boyfriend was abusive. I think your SD really needs to be careful. It is very common for mothers to sacrifice what's best for their children to please a prospective new man I'm not saying all women do this...

Have you heard any more news? If cheerleading is a priority then everything is probably ok in her world LOL

My own DD is 13yo... it is a very challenging age. It sounds like she managed to fit in with your family ok when she was over here? I'm sure that there will come a time when she might need a break from her mum... maybe during her school holidays? (July) with a bit of luck she might even be able to help you out a bit too.

Well done Fiona, on being a great stepmum