ivf - relationship woes..

[jules30]

Hi All,

I have a dilemma!! What if you are undergoing ivf but you are not sure that your relationship is going to last??

Would you continue trying, if you have a baby and end up breaking up 6mths, 1yr or 2 yrs from now, and just deal with it if and when it happens?

I feel like biological clockwise i need to keep going and another part of me says sort out the relationship woes first.

[butterfly_warrior]

I was at one stage forced to take a break from IVF by my doctor. It wasn't because of relationship problems, it was simply because my mental health was in an extremely fragile state. While working on myself, we also worked on communication... and I really don't think that our marriage would have survived much longer without that.

Without having that solid relationship, there's no way my DH could have supported me through our IVF journey. I really think it is important to reduce as much stress as you can, in all areas, in order to succeed or at least not go mad while going through IVF.

However loudly you feel your biological clock is ticking, you are still quite young. Taking some time out to fix things now may make the whole process much easier to bear. There's been a fair amount of discussion about this in the social group - you may want to check it out.

BW

[rosehannah]

Hi there,

Firstly the ticking clock is a hard thing to ignore.

I really do believe that you need to look after your relationship first.
I haven't gone through IVF, but I have experienced M/C and raising three children and I have experienced the good and the bad that can come with these. Bringing a child into a relationship generally adds pressure, even to the most loving couple, tired, anxious , sometimes isolated and putting high expectations on ourselves and our partners all lead to eruptions.

Hopefully you will be able to work through things with your partner goodluck.

[briggsy's girl]

i would have to agree with BW - as loudly as that clock is ticking, you really need to be in a reduced stress situation to get through IVF unscathed. Emotionally, it's an horrific rollercoaster, and you don't want the added stress of relationship woes adding to that.

i would suggest trying to work out where your relationship problems stem from. Most of the problems in my relationship with my DH stem from the TTC side of our lives - everything becomes more acute when we're cycling. If the TTC is your main source of stress, maybe look at ways to deal with it - look at counselling through your ivf clinic as individuals and as a couple - TTC is a highly stressful experience - adding IVF to the mix makes it so much harder - and you don't want to add to it by wondering if you'll still have a partner when it's all finished.

i would honestly try to work out what it is that is impacting your relationship so much - is it generally not getting along, is it guilt/blame for the IVF - is it something you can work through? it's never easy to confront those issues, but knowing the causes will help you to know if you can work through it - and if you feel you can't work through it, you would then need to decide if you can continue to fight to bring a child into this world and a broken home.

hope you can work things through - as BW said, come in and join the ltttc social group

BG

[Muppity]

Jules - The three women above me are some of the wisest girls I know - and they are all right.

I know how hard it is to ignore a ticking clock but I think that you have enough time on your side to try and have the best of both worlds - a bubba and a wonderful relationship. I think that talking to a counselor would be really great - either by yourself or as a couple - or both.

This whole IVF caper is AWFUL and the only way to survive it is to have a strong relationship with your partner.

Good luck.

[jules30]

thank you for all your replies. In my heart i know the sensible thing to do is to sort out the issues. We have had problems for a few years, and ivf only added to the existing problems. Gosh i haven't told ANYONE this (everyone thinks we are the happy couple). It feels so good to talk about it

I even broke down the night before my epu and told DF that i wanted to freeze my eggs rather than having them fertilised. He convinced me not to. I have thought about us getting relationship counselling, but im worried the counsellor will just tell me to live with it or leave! I am very conscious that a child does not make a mediocre relationship better. Im afraid that ive hung on for the last couple of years because of the ttc.

I will check out the ttc social, thanks for listening.