I need some advice from those who have 13 year old daughters, as my 13 year old sister is going through a challenging time and my mum is at a loss of how to deal with her. Without going in to too much detail for privacy reasons, there is a huge age gap between us (16 years), so she looks to me as more of a second mum. She's been to stay with me recently and is coming again next week for the holidays.
She's always been feisty and determined, even as a baby, but in general well behaved and until recently quiet and shy. Things changed when she started high school and ran in with a girl who i think is trouble. Since then she's lied and slept over at a 16 year old guys house (what does this guy even think he is doing playing with fire?!), been skipping school, ran away from home (completely missing for 2 days - police report filed), dyed her hair a wild colour, given her self a facial peircing and just generally disrespectful behaviour.
Firstly i struggle to deal with a lot of this because i have so much on my own plate, and secondly because when i was 13 i was in to dolls and arts and craft!!! I totally cannot relate to where she is at. I didn't do anything dodgy until i went to uni! She wears stacks of make up too... is this what the teens are like these days?? I know she is obviously rebelling, she clashes with my mum, lacks support and needs some gentle but firm parenting. I can only give her this on a casual basis and i'm struggling as to how to really connect with her and 'get' her because i don't. I think she's a beautiful girl with so much potential and she's wasting it, apart from getting in to dangerous situations she's too young for... i mean older guys and facial peircings?!
I've tried coming from the cool older sister role.... even though i'm not terribly cool, especially to her, i'm a daggy housewife most of the time LOL, but i have been around the traps when i was younger and lived a lot, so i know the mistakes that can be made.... should i step back and let her make them? She seems to young... or should i be firmer and no so cool, and tell her outright she needs to get it together? i don't want to alienate her though, this is what my mum has done and she doesn't listen to her.
Is her behaviour totally common or uncommon for this age? as i said, she's so not where i was at at this age, though i know they grow up quicker these days.
Apart from being a good role model how can i redirect her?
Anyway hope this makes sense in my sleep deprived rambling!
My SIL turned 15 in June & my sister is 18. I was there with both of them at 13.
We are real lucky with SIL in that she is pretty happy & confident that she doesn't need a boyfriend the way most girls think they do at that age. She's had a couple, but if she doesn't agree with something then thats it!
She's lucky I think that she's grown up in a small town being one of the very few girls & has gotten to know quite well what boys are like. She also has 3 brothers.
My sister on the other hand at that age was extremely defiant, rude, obnoxious (sp?) & was going to parties & got caught breaking into a holiday house with a bunch of mates for fun. She was 13 when they did that!
She also isn't too fussed on boys & has her first serious boyf now at 18.
Mum let her get away with alot though. They live in a reasonably small coastal town & mum bought her business when my sister was 11.
So from 11 on she didn't have very much supervision. I remember at 12 she told me she was going to a party down at the weir. I told her to wake up! No way would mum let her do that! Sure enough she did. I was appalled.
She came & stayed a night at my house when she was 14 & got a phone call on my house phone at 8.30pm. It was 2 boys wanting her to meet them around the corner about 500m away & go walking the streets with them! Over my dead body!!!
We lived in a bigger town about 20 minutes away from Mum. She wasn't impressed that I said no. I just told her that while she was under my roof she would abide by my rules so it wasn't my responsibility if something happened to her.
I told her they could come talk to her out the front til 9pm. I let her have her 30 minutes of privacy then went out & called her in. As I said, I was not going to let something happen to her in my care & she wouldn't have risked it coz I lived behind the high school. She needed somewhere to go when she wagged. & I let her. At least I knew where she was.
I have made sure I ask them questions & listened to their answers & just let them know that I will not tolerate crap, but I am here to talk about what ever they want to talk about.
They both tell me everything. I also give them advise. If my SIL came to me about sex I'd talk to her about it, then I'd let her know either she should go talk to her mum, or that I'd be letting her know.
MIL & FIL also have faith in me & trust that if there is something she can't talk to them about that she will come to me & I will respect her privacy depending on what it is.
So, sorry for going on & on, but IMO I think just make sure that you & her can talk openly & honestly, so that if she does get into trouble of some sort she can come to you. Try not to judge the things she does. & when she does silly things don't have a go at her, just maybe explain why you think she shouldn't do them or why she should be careful.
Yep i have been asking a lot of questions and listening because i'm sure she's not used to someone just listening to her. What i find frustrating though is her answer to most things as in why she has done something or how she feels is "i don't know", and she laughs a lot, she thinks most of what she's done is pretty funny.
In regards to the sex thing, this worries me hugely, but i think her being around my boys (a toddler and a newborn) is enough of a reality check that she'll thinkg twice about it because she can see how hard it is. We've watched Juno and some other teen movies with these kinds of issues, its hard just bringing these things up though.
Its hard not to worry about them. It is also hard being a teen at this time. They are trying so hard to find where they fit that they will do things that they think are cool at the time, but may not be so happy with later.
Peer pressure is also hard to deal with too. When I went to high school smoking ciggarettes was the only thing we were really pressured into & I was never pushed.
These days they are sneaking alcohol in in their water bottles & smoking pot in the toilets. Not to mention other drugs.
I hope she realizes that she can be happy just being herself soon & not feel the need to please others as much.
Good luck.
I was a rebel, not against my mother, but against a world that preaches but doesn't practise. I was quite violent - one teacher said I had an avenging angel complex - and much enjoyed sex. I loved school and learning but wanted to argue the point about everything.
I'd worry more about the young people who don't rebel, the sad conformists that want to leave the world as they found it, but with more money in their pocket. But there are so many dangers now, drugs, unplanned pregnancy - I was protected - and crime. You know you will get the opposite effect if you go at your sister like a bull at a gate, but you may also get up her nose if you come the old "I'm your friend, I love you, lets' talk about this" stuff. Like politics, living with some adolescents is the art of the possible. Let the small things go, get her protected against pregnancy and concentrate on what you can reasonably do to help. It will be a longish task - you can't get instant result. Whatever you do, don't fall out with her - you''re her last resource it seems.
What are your 13 year old daughters in to?
and just generally disrespectful behaviour.
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Its hard not to worry about them. It is also hard being a teen at this time. They are trying so hard to find where they fit that they will do things that they think are cool at the time, but may not be so happy with later.
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