Talking to 15yo niece about alcohol... need advice...

[Indadhanu]

Sooooooooo...

Our 15yo niece (SILs DD) went camping at a public camping ground with some school friends, by themselves (no adult supervision) and decided to take a bottle of alcohol, not exactly sure what, suppose it desnt really matter.... My personal opinion, knowing our niece, is that this would have been a classic drink to be cool peer pressure kind of thing. Shel and I have supervised her parties before and she's just a typical teenage girl in that respect. She's generally a 'good' girl, not wild, eager to have friends etc.

The alcohol was bought for them by an older sister apparently. None of the parents knew.

SIL is spitting chips at the whole situation, understandably. Banned her from all outings, parties, camps etc, had the "you've lost my trust" convo.

And has asked me to talk to her DD Because I'm 22 and she'll talk/listen to me (apparently...). She'll be here tomorrow arvo after school while SIL is at work.

Anyway, what the heck am I supposed to say?

I know what SIL wants me to say, you shouldn't drink etc.

TBH its not the drinking itself that worried me the most, its the drinking and being unsupervised at the camping ground! Drinking alcohol is not just for fun you need to be responsible about it, there are risks when you drink, it really does require a certain level of maturity and responsiblity and that environment was FAR from a safe drinking environment...

That what *I* want to say anyway...

I mean, I don't want it to seem like I'm saying its ok to drink... at 15yo its really not IMO... but I don't want her to just dismiss it as me saying "drinking is bad" and think I'm lecturing so not listen at all because really I want her to hear what I'm saying.

I need advice on how to word this...



ETA: Lulu and sushee... looking in your direction, I'd really appreciate some advice from you guys...?

[briggsy's girl]

i agree with your stance on explaining about maturity more so than bashing the notion of drinking at all - you'll get more attention that way. i in no way condone underage drinking of this kind, but i think the only way you'll get her to listen to you is to talk to her as someone who's been there, done that, KNOWS the implications, and think she needs to respect herself more than that. if she IS going to drink, it needs to be safe - and needs to be in a situation that is respectful to herself and her parents kwim?

i used to go to things like your nieces outing as a teen (not quite so young) - and ended up being the only non-drinker cos i couldn't stand the thought of my friends being written off and unsafe. i was the one with the smarts to call the ambulance more than once when friends ended up with alcohol poisoning.

it's not an easy chat to have, and i think you need to get her talking about WHY she thinks it's ok, what she got out of it, why she needs to drink to have fun etc - get her talking, and with every positive argument she puts forward as to why it's ok to drink, counter it with a negative "but what if" situation.

good luck - and ultimately - this is not YOUR responsibility - you can only do what you can hun - you can't change this girls attitude, and it's a HUGE amount of pressure for your SIL to put on you - so if you can't get your niece to change her attitude, it's not your fault!

[AnyDream]

Hun I think you really need to talk about risky behaviours and personal safety - excessive consumption of alcohol (among other things) can lead to all sorts of regrettable situations. And of course there's the issue of trust and responsibility as well - with her mother, but I"m pretty sure that'll be a conversation that is clouded by whatever other issues there are at home.

There are some good resources at this website: National Drugs Campaign. It might be worth having a bit of a read of their booklet to give you some ideas.

[squidipa]

I think what your wanting to say is fine but what u also need to do, is think about when u were that age even tho its not that long ago and think what would someone have to say to you to get you to really listen?

[Lulu]

TBH its not the drinking itself that worried me the most, its the drinking and being unsupervised at the camping ground!

Eeer YEAH. I'd be asking your sister why she thought it was ok for a bunch of underage teens to go camping by themselves??? I'd put this straight back onto her and tell her to sort out her stance as as mother on these issues. Its not ok to allow her to be unsupervised then cane her for acting exactly like a teenager would - then washing her hands of it all by asking you to talk to her.
Ok that sounded a bit harsh..sorry, it might be time for clearer ground rules. Setting teens up to fail isn't a good way to test your trust in them.

I would take a totally different angle on it, especially since you be cool Aunty Leash. Don't lecture her about the evils of drinking, you can pull out all the facts and refer to stats but its going to sound the same blah, blah, blah as she is getting from everyone else.
Instead just start it off by saying - hey, heard you got in trouble the other night....and listen to her version of it. She might have had a terrible time, she might have seen her friends act like dheads, or get sick or pash on with guys they don't like. Go with the flow, if she goes on about how brilliant it was maybe you could gently point out the safety issues, alcohol poisoning is rife amongst the young ones. Let her know how much is too much. Seriously - some kids go off and literally down half a bottle of spirits in one go, they have no idea.
Let her know how to look out for her friends, stick together and not let each other go home with strange, yet charming blokes etc etc. When it is neccesary to call an ambulance, watch out for anyone if they have passed out etc. Keep it sort of light but NOT. Let her know your own Golden Rules of drinking and what your standards are.

Also, give her ways to excuse herself from drinking. Give her ways to say "no thanks", and tips on keeping herself safe.
If you go the lecture path(which you will suck at anyway cos you too cool), she won't hear anything at all.
If you give her some practical advice about the realities and maybe an anecdote of your own, she might just go away and have a ponder and remember what you said when she really needs it.

HTH XOXOXOXOXO

[AnyDream]

Awww Lulu I want YOU to be my mum!!! That's great advice (trying to stuff it all into my head so I can use it in a few years time when it's my DD facing this stuff)!

[Hoody]

Awww Lulu I want YOU to be my mum!!! That's great advice (trying to stuff it all into my head so I can use it in a few years time when it's my DD facing this stuff)!

Just what i was about to say great advice Lulu

[LaDeeDa]

I want to adopt Lulu too!!!

Leash, I really agree with the others on this

I recently had to have this chat with my 16 yo bro as he's started to be in similar situations.
He still remembers what it was like when i was in hospital because I lost my stomach lining at 16 from drinking a bottle of bacardi straight.... not my finest hour (the result is I now don't drink at all)
so I have to admit I was a little surprised to be seeing photos of him on myspace passed out in his own vomit.... but thats another thread.

The thing is unless she is one very secure in her own skin girl then she is probably going to be in these situations regardless of what anyone says to her.....peer pressure is pretty hard to get around

Personally, I would be trying to make sure that she makes smart choices about the where and the who with...and if you can give her ways to say no without copping any flak even better.

Also, I'm with Lulu why was she allowed to go camping without adult supervision in the first place?

I hope your chat with her goes really well!!!

[Indadhanu]

Thanks so much everyone... Lulu, thank you so much Pfffft at me being cool though
I really like the idea of giving her ways to get out of drinking too.

Oh, I'm not 100% on whether SIL actually ALLOWED her to go camping by themselves, I *think* it was supposed to be a sleepover at someones house. Not entirely sure...

[mrsmac]

I agree with Lulu. I can now discuss alcohol with my 16yr old very calmly and she feels comfortable about telling me when she has had alcohol or what her friends get up to when they drink. I think for her seeing her friends really drunk and having to look after then has put her off to a certain extent.
I would ask her what things she think could have happened out there in the bush in the worst case scenario. Also ask her who she thinks she has hurt and how, make her realise she has hurt herself too. (th youth liason officer at the police station gave me those tips)
She needs to take ownership of the situation rather than someone just telling her she is a naughty girl.
Good luck

[Indadhanu]

Thanks for that mrsmac

[sushee]

Leasha,

I only just saw this and I think Lulu's given you great advice. At this age, kids value their friends' opinions over anyone else, and you're in the unique position of being in that 'in between' stage of being young enough to be cool but old enough to lend some experience to what you say.

I have to admit, I never allowed my kids out overnight unsupervised, but it did not stop them from drinking whenever they got together at their friends' homes, where the parents who were supervising them were the ones who supplied the drinks. So I think these days, there are those sorts of pressures on kids to drink alcohol no matter where they turn.

I think the best we can do as adults is to be good examples, drink responsibly ourselves, talk frequently about the negatives of alcohol (that relate to them, like pashing a boy you wouldn't normally give the time of day to, or having your friends make fun of you because you did something stupid while drunk) and hope for the best. Peer pressure is such a difficult thing to counter, and I reckon that unless she becomes convinced that drinking is uncool - and I think that requires a society-wide change of attitude - parents are always going to be battling with teenaged drinking.