any suggestions for parenting when one parent has a mental illness

[tenar]

We are expecting our first baby in April.

My husband has a bipolar type depressive illness, and in recent months things have been gradually getting worse for him, with bad consequences for me (and the unborn baby, I'm sadly sure, and even the dog, though I guess the fish and potplants don't care...).

I'm honestly not sure we'll be able to cope when baby arrives, unless he magically gets better. Which he hasn't done yet.

I'm afraid of becoming depressed myself (I have a history of depression), and I'm worried about the long and short-term impacts on our child/ren of having a sick parent.

I'm afraid that if things keep on as bad as they are, I might end up forced to decide between my ill husband and our daughter's needs. There is no good decision to make, and it would break my heart to have to make it.

Does anyone else live with this kind of situation? How do you cope? Do you have ideas for how I can develop better coping skills, or access better treatment for my husband? He's tried a string of doctors and psychs in the last couple of years, but he won't stick with any one for long. He is erratic at taking his medication.

I don't think I can handle this much longer and I'm at my wits end for what to do.

[LaDeeDa]

Hi Tenar....

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, it must be so hard for you
I just wanted to give you a childs perspective.
My mum has a bi-polar type illness and has never been medicated as everyone else has the problem and is out to get her - not the other way around.

I have never had a great relatioship with her as my birth is what seemed to tip her from slightly loopy straight down the hill into mental illness town ... (intellectually I know that it was always there but it's a bit hard when you are always blamed for it)

My mum would go from adoring me one moment and then telling me I am the reason her life is so messed up the next and after 10-15 yrs of it I think Dad got so tired of trying to keep the peace that he just pretended it wasn't happening and I just figured if I was going to be blamed and labelled at this horror child I might as well live up to expectations.

The end result - I moved out of home at 15 and haven't been back......

I'm not saying that this is a normal situation for families with a parent with a mental illness - ours is an extreme case but the biggest thing I would have to say is....

1. make sure you have plenty of family / friend support and someone to talk to when it gets too hard.

2. when the little one gets older it might help for them to see a professional so someone outside the family circle can explain mum/dad's behaviour and why it happens rather than the other parents just saying "he/ she didn't mean it - they can't help it...." and help them find coping mechanisms and not self blame for behaviours that are out of their control.

3. if things get really bad/abnormal at home try to get the little one to see other family dynamics so they realise that every family is different and all have their challenges.

It's only now that I am in my mid twenties and dealing with my own issues (and spent a small fortune on shrinks trying to work out whats wrong with me that my mum doens't love me) that I have a better understanding and more empathy towards both my mum and dad for how they dealt with things.

Anyways sorry for rambling .... Like I said this is just my personal experience growing up with a parent with mental illness ..... not saying your hubby would be anything like this.....

Good luckxoxoxox

[Heaven]

Tenar, what a tough situation.
He really needs to be consistent with his medication and treatment from a professional. Otherwise it's just too unpredictable and hard to control. That is the only way to manage his symptoms and have a happy family Unfortunately it's hard for you to make him do this. Have you talked to him about how important it is and the consequesnces if he doesn't try and get it under control (i.e. you will put the babies needs first)??

[Lulu]

Are there Bipolar support groups around?

I mean I know there is Al-anon etc for families of alcoholics to support each other etc, I hope there is something like this for you too.

xoxoxoxoxo

[tenar]

DoubleDee: I certainly hope things won't get as bad for us as they did for your mum. In fact if I had expected it I would not have married this man. He has many wonderful qualities, and that's why I love him and why I have made a lifetime commitment to him.

SaraJane: You are totally right in that I cannot compel him to do anything he doesn't want to do. And his moods are so erratic at the moment that what he wants to do varies hour by hour.

This morning he has promised to go to the doctor in the afternoon with me, but I don't know whether he will come or not, when it comes to it. He has also promised to take his medication (hours ago, he hasn't taken it yet), and to get up and eat something (ditto hours ago).

It is impossible to make an adult do something like take their meds, or get up out of bed. Begging, crying, asking nicely, being loving and supportive: nothing works reliably (not that I can see myself begging on a regular basis - doesn't suit who I am). It's one of the problems with dealing with a sick adult, I guess.

I am not certain that I would put the baby's needs first, actually. I don't think it is going to be as black and white as that. After all: baby needs her Mum and Dad to be in a healthy relationship too. I grew up with divorced parents, it affected me adversely, and I believe that a marriage is not something you give up on easily at all - I vowed to love him in sickness and in health, and I do love him so much, even when he is sick. But it is indeed a set of decisions that I hope never to have to make. There must be a better solution.

You are right that making him see just how serious the situation is is key, and so far I haven't managed that very well, partly because when he's down he won't talk about it and when he's up he doesn't remember what it was like when he was down. But I'll keep trying to get through to him.

Thanks for your comments.

[Phteven]

Sane.org has a families section in their bookshop https://www.sane.org/bookshop/home.php?cat=285

[LaDeeDa]

Tenar - i wasn't suggesting that your husband would go down a similar path.... just wanted to share my experience with you

[tenar]

Tenar - i wasn't suggesting that your husband would go down a similar path.... just wanted to share my experience with you

I understand. Thanks for sharing. I'm guessing it isn't easy to share such experiences, even in a forum like this one. I'm impressed by your evident resilience and that you are learning to cope with your own personal history. That can't be easy.

[amy_o]

I am not really sure how I want to word this so bear with me...

Our situation is the opposite, I am the parent with the mental illness, Bipolar as well as a matter of fact. DH and I spent alot of time talking before TTC about how we would manage episodes of my illness and the like both in pregnancy and after the birth.
I have also spent a lot of time over the years learning about my illness and how to manage and reduce the risk of episodes.

We have recently come through and epsiode and although I am not a hundred percent yet I can see that all our planning paid off. But having said that we have a fantastic care team of a psychologist, psychartirist, Baby care nurse who have helped imensely. All this was accessed through my local community health center.

My advice would be:

Always remember that it is an ILLNESS, he has no control over it. I know that may seem a cop out but it is true. And when you are in the midst of an episode (which is sounds as if he might be to me from what I read) you can not see reason.

Seek out your local community mental health team. I am not sure where abouts you are but your local hospital should be able to put you in contact with them, the offer all levels of support and care, we would have been lost with out them. They are our rock. They have social workers, psychologists, Dr's. The aim is for care and healthy living in the community.

Find a really good GP, who is trained in mental health, there are special courses they can do. You want someone trained not just interested they can help you with medications and managagement much better as well as offer CBT.

Find someone be it your GP or a psychologist to start some CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therpy) it is tough and about changing thought patterns but effective.

Have a safety plan for if he goes in to a full blown manic episode.

I hope some of that helps. I could offer a whole heap of other insights but Bethany is calling!!
Good luck and please let me know if I can ever answer a question or help in anyway after years of this rollercoaster I think I have seen and done it all!!! (including all the meds!!!)

[tiggerandpooh]

Tenar - Being pregnant with your first child is overwhelming enough, without the added stress of the unknown future behaviour of your husband. Bi-polar is such a hard mental illness to deal with. And ultimately it does affect everyone who is around the person who has it.

From my own experiences: my 13 yo neice is now living with us due to her mother's illness, and the lack of consistency with her taking her medication - up down all over the place. Its tiring and exhausting just thinking about it.... For my own safety and that of my own children, I have had to completely distance myself from my sister. I am hoping that over the next 12 months that am able to help my neice find methods and tools for herself, so that if she decides to resume a relationship with her mother, that she can keep herself safe. I don't know what the answer is hun - do lots and lots of research, contact the mental health dept in your area, and ask if there is a support group for people whose partner's have a mental illness. I am encourging my neice to go to a teen one. at the moment she is reluctnat, but I am hoping that over time she will be more open to the idea. sometimes just being able to identify with another human being that is going through similar experiences gives you the strength to carry on. Most importantly dont' forget to take care of YOU. Your little girl is going to need a strong healthy mumma.

Amy - I just wanted to say YOUR AMAZING. and well done you for taking care of you and your beautiful girl. I makes my heart feel hopeful for my sister. thank you.

[Karina]

Have you been to see your GP or a doctor at all, just by yourself, to see if they can provide you with some things you can do to help your partner? I know it can be really hard to get husband to listen to you but maybe they can give you some info that could help, like recognising some of the early signs that he might be going into an "episode". Or maybe you could get your husband to keep like a mood diary where he could write what he is feeling like each day (or maybe just one or two words, or a little face that describes his feeling for the day) and also his sleeping patterns and apetite. It helps you to see a pattern. Also, try to have some sort of routine each day, apparantly it really helps people with bipolar to plan out your day rather than just winging it. I'm sure you've already tried all that but just thought I'd mention in case you hadnt.
He needs alot of support, and he's probably not going to ask for help when he is in "mania" (gosh i hate that word). I dont have bipolar disorder, but my dad does. I do not see him often, but when I do see him sometimes he is quite good but sometimes anything I say just goes over the top of his head and he seems in his own world. As you would know its an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, thats how the meds work and when my dad used the meds I could definately see the difference in his behaviours. He also suffers from schizophrenia, so he had the extreme anxiety and panic attacks where he was convinced everyone was out to get him, particularly the government. He did begin by taking his meds, but as you said its really hard to get an adult to do something they dont want to do.. and later on he refused the use his meds. It was really hard for my mum as she had just had me and dads illness seemed to be getting worse. On a doctors advice, my mum had to leave dad for her own safety (and the safety of my sister and i). Mind you this was 24 years ago and back them it was just way too taboo to talk about and there wasnt the sorts of support networks we're lucky to have now. I'm not saying thats whats going to happen to you, I was just trying to say there is much more support available now.

[Jaycee]

Hi there
I have no experience myself but my cousin's husband has a bipolar disorder and when she fell pregnant after months of her husband not taking his medication and having many episodes which ended in violence towards her she ended up giving him an ultimatum - take your meds and look after your health or she would leave.
I'm not telling you to do this, but it was enough to let him know the seriousness of this and from that day on he has not missed one day of meds and you wouldn't even know he had this disorder.
Anyway, that's just my little bit of input.
Whatever you decide to do i hope it works out for you.
Take care
xxx

[*Belle*]

I am not really sure how I want to word this so bear with me...

Our situation is the opposite, I am the parent with the mental illness, Bipolar as well as a matter of fact. DH and I spent alot of time talking before TTC about how we would manage episodes of my illness and the like both in pregnancy and after the birth.
I have also spent a lot of time over the years learning about my illness and how to manage and reduce the risk of episodes.

We have recently come through and epsiode and although I am not a hundred percent yet I can see that all our planning paid off. But having said that we have a fantastic care team of a psychologist, psychartirist, Baby care nurse who have helped imensely. All this was accessed through my local community health center.

My advice would be:

Always remember that it is an ILLNESS, he has no control over it. I know that may seem a cop out but it is true. And when you are in the midst of an episode (which is sounds as if he might be to me from what I read) you can not see reason.

Seek out your local community mental health team. I am not sure where abouts you are but your local hospital should be able to put you in contact with them, the offer all levels of support and care, we would have been lost with out them. They are our rock. They have social workers, psychologists, Dr's. The aim is for care and healthy living in the community.

Find a really good GP, who is trained in mental health, there are special courses they can do. You want someone trained not just interested they can help you with medications and managagement much better as well as offer CBT.

Find someone be it your GP or a psychologist to start some CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therpy) it is tough and about changing thought patterns but effective.

Have a safety plan for if he goes in to a full blown manic episode.

I hope some of that helps. I could offer a whole heap of other insights but Bethany is calling!!
Good luck and please let me know if I can ever answer a question or help in anyway after years of this rollercoaster I think I have seen and done it all!!! (including all the meds!!!)

Exactly what I was going to say Amy, I too have mental illness not bipolar though I have Anxiety/OCD and PND. Even though I have this illness and yes there are lots of ups and downs and thankfully my DH is still with me through the good and bad it is not by any means easy for him. Your hubby needs to understand that he needs to be consistent in taking his meds so he can be the best parent he can be and see a psych regularly for an outlet to voice his frustrations and have safety plans and support in place incase he has episodes. If you have safety plans in place it will be easier to deal with. I too have to say that Mental Illnesses are uncontrollable to a certain extent they take a handle over you. I hope he agrees to go to the dr with you this arvo. My husband also has depression but is in denial, my psych when she sees him in a group session with me offers for him to see someone and offers meds if needed but he is still in denial, she says I cant push the issue with him because he will run further away, I have to wait for the realisation from himself he wants to seek help. I hope this afternoon goes well. xxx

[amy_o]

Amy - I just wanted to say YOUR AMAZING. and well done you for taking care of you and your beautiful girl. I makes my heart feel hopeful for my sister. thank you.

Thank you!! this made my day!! Living with this condition is hard enough adding in a baby made it at times feel impossible. It is great when people even strangers can tell me I am doing ok.

I have some more thoughts to add for you Tenar, I have been thinking about this thread in the back of my mind all day!! However DH who is the one in your shoes has some thoughts too so I promised to wait for him to get home from work and we will do a combined post of sorts.... Bet that has everyone on the edge of their seats!!

like recognising some of the early signs that he might be going into an "episode". Or maybe you could get your husband to keep like a mood diary where he could write what he is feeling like each day (or maybe just one or two words, or a little face that describes his feeling for the day) and also his sleeping patterns and apetite. It helps you to see a pattern. Also, try to have some sort of routine each day, apparantly it really helps people with bipolar to plan out your day rather than just winging it.

Ohhh soo important, DH knows my early warning signs and can often gently suggest I call my case manager or something like that. He also knows that he can call my case manager if he thinks for whatever reason I won't follow through. Mood diaries are invaluable. There are about a hundred ways to do them but they are a great tool find what works, maybe even doing it together for awhile. Finally YES YES YES to routine. That is my saving grace. I admit I have had to adjust abit since DD came on the scene but I still have my set pattern to each day. It helps with stress levels with is often a MAJOR trigger for bipolar same as sleep. You have to have a good sleep routine. Same time to bed, same time up. Good sleeping environment. That is a whole other post!!

Anyway as I said I have a heap of thoughts I want to add but I should get ready for DH to come home and stuff. This is pretty near and dear to my heart parenting with a mental illness so sorry for hijacking the thread!!

PS *Belle* I am glad you agreed I am sure you have heaps to add too!! Not much difference between the conditions, I would love to hear sometime how you manage your OCD but that is definately another thread....PM me maybe??

[tenar]

Thanks everyone for your insightful and sensitive comments.

We made it together to the GP today: a small achievement. The doc seemed good to me (our usual one is on holiday so we saw a different one). He pleased me when he commented that DH's management plan basically sucks (it does).

So we have a referral to Yet Another Psychiatrist. Hopefully this one will work for DH. Others have not, but I agree that the medication is something that needs fixing - the current regime isn't working (and failure to adhere to it properly is only part of that - I also basically think he's taking the wrong meds or the right meds at the wrong doses). Unfortunately the psych in question is going away tomorrow and we can't get an appointment for over a month. It's a long time to cope, the way things are. We're trying to get a different referral from the GP, but he hasn't phoned back yet.

I'm not really sure that today has been progress. If anything, I may have made some progress in communicating to DH just how serious the situation is. But I think I might have to tell him over and over, until he remembers.

Well, I'm exhausted (I was awake and crying most of the night), so it's time to head towards bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.

[amy_o]

I am sorry things didn't go as well as you hoped, I know how frustrating the waiting game is.Can you perhapes try some other stratagies to help your DH cope in the meantime. Things like good sleep management or a daily routine. I have some stuff on it I can email you. Often structure can help manage things a bit.

[tenar]

Thanks Amy.

I think that I'm fairly well informed about the need for sensible sleep patterns (and how to achieve them), and I've been trying hard to establish the routine thing, lately.

Unfortunately, like anything else, I can't force DH to come to bed at a sensible time (and pregnant and trying to work, as I am, I can't stay up until 3am nightly waiting for him, either). And without a good sleep routine, he can't achieve anything resembling a daily routine either. So all that, while a good suggestion, is a bit moot at the moment.

I think that in a few days I'll try to have a conversation with him about ways we can establish a better routine. Maybe we can agree on something easy enough to follow through on.

And I'll keep trying. Only thing I can do right now.

[StrawberryMumma]

Tenar, what an amazing wife you are and what an amazing mother-to-be you will be also, I'm sure of it.
I just wanted to say I hope things really start to improve very soon.

Sending you lots of love and strength.