Need help.. normal 4 yr old behaviour?

[Beatrix]

edited sorry

[Rivlas]

Sorry to hear you are having trouble.
Kids can say some pretty mean things and do some horrible things. It's hard not to react but sometimes that's what they are after.
I would tell her that if she doesn't pick up her behaviour that your special outings together may have to change. You cannot get all the housework done as you are making it hard with your behaviour so might have to stay home this week to do it. Sometimes this type consequence is enough to break the habit and she will see she is missing out on your time together.
Maybe give her a job that is special for her only but again if she plays up she loses the privilege.

You are doing a great job bringing up your girls on your own.

[feeb]

Hugs hun you know I am here for you to vent to but dont really have any advice as you have tryed everything I could have suggested.

Good luck

You are a great mummywho always put your kids first, and the 3 girls all love you very much!

[Trillian]

You're MIL is probably right. Have a think about what she has seen and been through since you and your DH have separated. She has seen you be stressed and upset, possibly even angry, she is seeing all the upheaval that comes when a family breaks up and going back and forth between the two of you for visitation etc and now she is dealing with a Mum who from her perspective does nothing but tell her off and not give her enough time and attention. Now I know that you can't give her your undivided attention every time she wants it, but she cannot understand that.

Children often act out when there is a family break up and it can take some time for them to get used to it - if they ever do. Some kids will cope just fine, but others don't and they need a helping hand to deal with it. I know that its hard when you have enough of your own issues to sort through in a break up, let alone the childrens, but it has to be done. You really need to sit down with her and just talk to her about it. Don't yell - it will only make things worse and make her feel like you aren't listening to her. Children don't have the emotional coping tools to help them through on their own when this happens, so you need to really be there for her and just listen to her. Maybe you could make an arrangement so the two little girls go with their Dad one week and she stay with you to give you some mother daughter time where she can have you all to yourself and try to reconnect with her again. Then the next time it's visitation, do the opposite, only Teleah goes to her Dad.

Having come from a 'broken' home I know only too well the pressure that is placed on the eldest child when a family breaks up and it doesn't matter that she's only the age she is, she is old enough to pick up on things and her behaviour is the only way she knows how to deal with it.

[westy]

Aww Ness,

I am so sorry you are going through this very testing time, it's hard being a parent and being a single parent im sure would be twice as hard.

I think Trillian has some great points there, i think it could all be due to the fact of the seperation and it's her way of coping or more to the point not coping. I know you have been seperated for some time now and this behaviour hasnt always been present maybe she has only recently realised that it's final Mum and Dad wont ever be together again and having time with each of you is having a negative affect on her. Maybe she is feeling resentful that she doesnt have Mummy and Daddy all the time, maybe she is just looking for more attention and she doesnt matter if it's negative attention to a child attention is attention.

Having big girls days with just the two of you is great and im sure she does love spending that time with you and having you all to herself, maybe you could try a rewards chart type thing where she has to earn so many stickers to get something she really wants to do...let her set the reward then have her work towards acheiving it. She will realise that good behaviour is rewarded whereas naughty behavoiur isnt.

Your doing a fantastic job raising you girls, but just remember they are children and all children go through these phases from time to time. Chin up darl you can get through this.

[Papillon]

You're MIL is probably right. Have a think about what she has seen and been through since you and your DH have separated. She has seen you be stressed and upset, possibly even angry, she is seeing all the upheaval that comes when a family breaks up and going back and forth between the two of you for visitation etc and now she is dealing with a Mum who from her perspective does nothing but tell her off and not give her enough time and attention. Now I know that you can't give her your undivided attention every time she wants it, but she cannot understand that.

Children often act out when there is a family break up and it can take some time for them to get used to it - if they ever do. Some kids will cope just fine, but others don't and they need a helping hand to deal with it. I know that its hard when you have enough of your own issues to sort through in a break up, let alone the childrens, but it has to be done. You really need to sit down with her and just talk to her about it. Don't yell - it will only make things worse and make her feel like you aren't listening to her. Children don't have the emotional coping tools to help them through on their own when this happens, so you need to really be there for her and just listen to her. Maybe you could make an arrangement so the two little girls go with their Dad one week and she stay with you to give you some mother daughter time where she can have you all to yourself and try to reconnect with her again. Then the next time it's visitation, do the opposite, only Teleah goes to her Dad.

Having come from a 'broken' home I know only too well the pressure that is placed on the eldest child when a family breaks up and it doesn't matter that she's only the age she is, she is old enough to pick up on things and her behaviour is the only way she knows how to deal with it.

What Trillian has said, was what i was going to say. So i wont add to it... except just to say you are doing a fantastic job, so please do not feel like you have done anything wrong or failed her by any means. I know, your possibly having some of those feeling's through this seperation. The fact you reaching out to find out if she is 'normal' shows you are a wonderful mum, who just like the rest of us, doesnt have a manual for our gorgeous little bundles of joy. And so this means when things go pear shape, and we loose our way slightly, its a great idea to reach out to those around us, for help.

My DD is 4, however, just turned. (march)...

On the days when i am in a bad mood, or stressed, she is very similar to your DD. Although not quite as bad, but then she is only JUST 4 so, maybe thats to come .... not sure... but i know when i am not quite right, she is far from it. So i reckon tril is quite on the money with her thoughts/experience/advice!

you will be able to do what she needs... and she will be fine!! You all will be

[Nai]

Now this is a VERY long time ago but my parents split up when I was 2 and even though I was an only child I distinctly remember having tantrums and meltdowns whenever my mother even remotely showed affection or gave compliments to someone else. I recall I was around 5 or 6 when the feelings peaked. I did grow out of it without any help but that was 30+ years ago and help fo rthings like that probably weren't around.

So I think that it is very understandable given what she has been through and I would encourage some counselling for her to help her get through this and help her manage her feelings. However, I also think that she will get better as she matures.