I'm not trying to play Devil's advocate here, really, but I'd like to suggest NOT replying to her email.
It's so easy to dash off an email without thinking how it sounds at the other end. She might have meant her comment to be humourous, but because she isn't looking at you when she said it, she doesn't realise it's insensitive and hurtful so soon after you've had a baby. So don't send an email back. Sit down with her, face to face and explain how you feel.
You guys have been friends for a long time. I know you're hurt about being 'demoted' but really, if she'd just asked you to be BM in the first place would you have been upset? She may be trying to deal with others who are less understanding than you and has taken it for granted that you'll be okay with it, because you're such good friends.
Do you really think she's that unreasonable that a sit down over lunch and a good heart-to-heart about the whole thing (including the dress) won't help to settle things? If she is, are you really GOOD friends? If not, then you probably have nothing to lose by telling her you don't feel comfortable being her BM at all.
FWIW I've been bridesmaid twice and the first dress was absolutely hideous, the second nice enough (but never worn again) and if I ever get married (one day) I'll let my sisters choose their own dresses that they can wear again if they want to. I'm not even sure if I care about the colour scheme - I'll just be so delighted that DP finally decided he wanted to get married!
I had 4 totally different shaped bridesmaids, so I bought the material (crepe back satin), pattern that could be made 5 ways for top and bottom, and told them I didn't care what they had as long as they had satin on top and crepe on bottom. I also asked for black closed in shoes, whatever they felt in comfy in. They all had a ball cause they were comfy and liked what they were wearing. My cousin even wore hers to her formal later that year. 3 had strapless (cause my dress was strapless) and 1 girl had straps. Didn't bother me at all and all looked great in the photos
It might be her wedding day, but the bridesmaids need to be comfy too. I wanted everyone to have fun, hence why I let them have say in what they wore.
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