Bridesmaids Dress - an awful one :( i'm the bridesmaid

[Kitt3n]

To cut a long story short

A beautiful gorgeous friend of mine asked me to be her matron of honour. I was so thrilled, so happy - this was late last year, wedding is this september.

I have now been demoted to bridesmaid as her sister's brother is the best man and she wants to have them together as partners. Not the end of the world, hurt me quite alot, but I wouldnt let that ruin her wedding, so I said ok no probs, just want her to be happy.

But the dress she wants us to wear is AWFUL. No straps (hello I need straps!) and ABOVE the knee. Ladies, my knees have not seen daylight since I was 13 (seriously). My legs just arent soemthing you would want in your wedding photos. And she found some shoes - $20!!! I will be crippled!!

Her sisters form the rest of the bridal party and well..... they havent exactly got above knee style legs either!

For our own wedding we didnt want any crap - tizzyness IYKWIM - but it sounds like there will be plenty - days to get the bonbomeirre (however you spell it) ready, days to do thsi and that - i really cant stand any of it.

I guess I am more cut about being demoted. Thsi is coming out like I am angry but i''m not, i am sad and i dont really want to be part of the wedding anymore.

How can i bow out of it nicely without hurting my friend? Any suggestions?

[Arimeh]

URrgggh tricky.

Can you just suck it up and put on your best face and do it cos its just one day? Express some milk and get drunk or something, just to get some benefit out of it

[Pretty Butterfly]

If you really want out, tell her your TTC!!!

But yeah, for one day, I'd just go with the flow..... get some pampering, spray tan, and lots of champagne!!!

[Willow]

Ooooh, I feel your pain Cat, I have hideous legs (not being hard on myself, just a fact of life) and I'd pretty much refuse to wear a dress above the knees for anyone!

I don't know if pulling out is the right thing to do, but perhaps talk to her about how uncomfortable you will be in the dress all day and maybe suggest if that's going to cause her issues that you step down?

[Manhattan]

Oh hun....

You have every right to be cut, it was way harsh of her to demote you simply because she wanted another couple to be partners! The groomsman played no bearing on who i picked to be my moh and bridesmaid. Sounds to me like you have a case of Bridezilla on your hands.

Have the dresses been bought already??? I would just be honest and tell her you hate the dress, and cannot/will not wear anything strapless and above the knee. Let her know your reasons, and if she is a true friend, she will understand, and hopefully compromise and find a dress to suit you.

In regards to the days doing this and that, simply tell her you cant attend, or go for an hour or 2, you have other commitments, and she should respect that.

HTH

[Leonie P]

I don't think there is any nice way to pull out. If you feel that strongly about the issue you will just have to do it, like pulling off a band-aid. But I fear it will probably end the freindship if you do.

Have you spoken to the other bridesmaids? Do they feel the same about the dress?

Maybe you can all comprimise on lengthening the dress to just below the knee (classier anyway-no matter what knid of legs you have) and adding some kind of shoulder wrap or some of those invisible spaghetti strap things at least.

Or like some of the other suggestions; Get drunk and grin through the day even though you might be hating every second.

[Bathsheba]

Oh dear, I'm like Willow and never wear 'above the knee' dresses either... I seriously would feel extremely uncomfortable about it.

What I would do would calmly and tactfully speak to the Bride about my concerns and discomfort a.s.a.p. I would not get emotional. I then would see how she responds. Everything would hinge on how she responds. If she dismisses my concerns and doesn't seem to care then I would go on to politely and calmly relinquish my role. If she was understanding and suggested a good compromise I would naturally stay

Don't be afraid to raise this with her. I know it will be tricky... but you have a valid concern... have confidence that you are not being unreasonable... and raise it with her. If she "cracks it" then you will probably do best to get out of the whole thing because I think it would be one thing after another.

Good luck

[Kitt3n]

thanks guys

i just feel down being demoted like that. the vindictive little me sitting on my shoulder is telling me to ask her if its ok to demote her from being godmother (which i asked of her on her 30th bday). it hurts.

the other bridesmaids are all sisters and they like the dress. Its being made and we have our furst fitting in june. might have to voice my opinion then. i hope she will let us have a wrap too.

eta - fingers crossed i wil still be breastfeeding, but if i wasnt i dont thin i could et drunk - couldnt walk in the shoes LOL!!

[LimeSlice]

i can understand you are hurt.

But you simply dont have a choice hun. It is her day and if she wants you to wear a cheerleading outfit and do flick flacks down the isle, then you do. - that is what you sign up for when you agreed to be in her wedding. What you want doesnt count, nor should it. It is her day, her day to remember for the rest of her life, her day to have what she wants, whether you think you look good in it or not.
And if she wants you to be apart of preperations, then you are. You can't necessarily make EVERY day she needs you if she is obviously having many days lol but you have an obligation to attend when you can, regardless of how tizzy you consider things to be.
If you think you need straps on your dress, let her know. Perhaps a halter strap can be added to your dress?
I had a bridesmaid who refused to wear strapless, even though there was no reason (she doesnt have massive boobs, isnt fat or anything...) But I told her she can wear what she is given or she can sod off. She wore the strapless, loved it and looked fabulous.
Keep an open mind and hang in there, you are doing something special for a special person, you dont have to like the decisions she makes, but you need to support her and remember the commitment you make to her. jmo though! lol

[DaintreeDream]

But you simply dont have a choice hun. It is her day and if she wants you to wear a cheerleading outfit and do flick flacks down the isle, then you do. - that is what you sign up for when you agreed to be in her wedding.

I do not agree sorry. I do not believe that anyone should be made to feel uncomfortable no matter what the reason...

This is why I did not have a bridal party, I did not want the worries. However I would like to think that if I did then they could come to me and tell me how they truly feel, I would hate to find out later that someone felt uncomfortable all day and night just because they wanted to keep me happy by going with my choice.

I think that if you explain to her that you do not feel comfortable and the reasons I would hope she would understand. Also does she have kids? ever breastfed? maybe she does not realise the requirements for holding up post baby/BF boobies .

Also, I have heard this happening so many times, people asking others to play important parts in special days only to change their mind, this is wrong! Why ask if you have not completely decided that that is what you truly want... grrr! You have a right to feel angry and hurt hun

[briggsy's girl]

i can understand you are hurt.

But you simply dont have a choice hun. It is her day and if she wants you to wear a cheerleading outfit and do flick flacks down the isle, then you do. - that is what you sign up for when you agreed to be in her wedding. What you want doesnt count, nor should it. It is her day, her day to remember for the rest of her life, her day to have what she wants, whether you think you look good in it or not.
And if she wants you to be apart of preperations, then you are. You can't necessarily make EVERY day she needs you if she is obviously having many days lol but you have an obligation to attend when you can, regardless of how tizzy you consider things to be.
If you think you need straps on your dress, let her know. Perhaps a halter strap can be added to your dress?

sorry - another that has to disagree on this front - your role as bridesmaid is to support the bride - yup - no argument - that DOES NOT mean you have to drop your own standards or be uncomfortable in what you are asked to wear and/or do. a wedding is about the bride and groom, no doubt, that doesn't mean that being asked to be part of the bridal party enslaves you to them for the period of time from when you are asked until the end of the wedding day. it doesn't mean you have to compromise yourself in any way. yes, you can't dictate exactly what you'll wear, but you can sure as hell step up and say sorry, no, i'm not going to wear this, i'm not going to be comfortable, and i think we need to work together to find something that meets with both your likes and my needs clothing wise. i myself would not wear strapless or above the knee - hell no - and if i was TOLD i had to wear it i'd decline to be a part of the bridal party. i have been in more than one bridal party, and have expressed my dislikes clothing wise (short, strapless) and have then allowed the bride to choose a style she liked. in the end we were all happy as i was comfy in the clothes, i wasn't, on the day, working hard to stop my boobs flopping out or trying to hide my "ugly legs" so, shock of shock, i could actually help the bride on the day!

as to the "days" of organising - put your foot down NOW. i was bridesmaid in a wedding 4 years ago in a situation where i was asked to step up and help with some "budget saving" things as the groom got injured and lost his job less than a week after they announced when they were going to get married. i agreed - i considered the bride a friend. bad idea - i was used sooooo badly. i paid for a lot of stuff on the proviso i'd get the money back (hasn't happened) - and in fact i not only paid for this stuff, i ended up paying a couple of their bills i still haven't gotten back (and never will now). i ended up doing invitations, place cards, books for the day, guest gifts etc. i even wrote the bulk of their damn ceremony! i made myself available to them as i thought that's what a bridesmaid is supposed to do - but it isn't - i got used and abused and barely even got a thankyou. yes, helping to keep the bride calm on the day is your job. taking the stresses off the bride in the lead up (like making sure she remembers everything) - sure, your job. catering to the itty bitty little details of HER wedding - hell no!!! if she wants all the fancy smancy stuff, it is HER responsibility - she has a hell of a long time to do it between now and October (trust me, i had all the trimmings, and did them all with no help in less than three months!)

i too would (and did) take offence at being demoted from chief bridesmaid/MOH just for partnering purposes. it's a load of crap! how much time do you really spend with your "partner"? on our wedding day, my SIL was MOH, and one of my friends the other attendant. my bro (SIL's partner) was an attendant, and best man was one of DH's friends. it didn't make any difference! i was demoted from chief bridesmaid at the above wedding so that the brides future DIL could be put in that role. she did nothing at all. i don't believe that choosing your bridal party for who they will be partnered with is a good move - i think you need to choose your bridal party for the support they will offer.

i can't entirely whinge about being demoted as i was partnered with the man who has since become my DH - but i think we would have hooked up anyway. i did have a problem being asked to be the ONLY attendant and then being demoted so that someone else could fly in three days before the wedding, i could make her dress on her arrival, and she could get to have all the "credit" of being the chief bridesmaid....

[aussienic]

I would just say I am not comfortable wearing a dress like this.. what if I got a dress with thin straps and below the knee but was still very similar

Or get yourself pregnant (was actually an accident) and avoid being bridesmaid altogether hahah.. Thats hw I got out of my most hideous bridesmaid dress

[helle]

Well, i'm all for confort. If you're not confortable the days gonna draaaaaaaaag.

I'm in the middle of planning my wedding for Oct and I've told my bridesmaid to pick her own dress out, so long as it's a dark purple colour.

Perhaps when you get the fitting you can ask if her if your dress can be made a little longer to cover your knees? And get little spaghetti straps? I've been to weddings where the bridesmaids have worn all the same colour but each dress has been a different style to suit different figures/personalities and it is really affective.

LimeSlice
But you simply dont have a choice hun. It is her day and if she wants you to wear a cheerleading outfit and do flick flacks down the isle, then you do. - that is what you sign up for when you agreed to be in her wedding. What you want doesnt count, nor should it. It is her day, her day to remember for the rest of her life, her day to have what she wants, whether you think you look good in it or not.

Yes, but then on the other hand I'm sure her friend doesn't want her in photos looking awkward and uncomfortable either... I know I would rather my friend look happy in a dress she likes wearing and have some fun with me on the day rather than being worried and uncomfortable.

[sunshine_sieben]

I haven't read all the responses, but here is my personal opinion:
I don't get the whole bridesmaid thing and the controlling bridezilla attitude.
I only had one "bridesmaid" (witness) and she was allowed to wear whatever she wanted. Yes, it was mine and DH's day. But my bridesmaid is my best friend in the whole wide world. And I wanted her to feel good and enjoy the day. In my opinion, the role of a bridesmaid is to support the bride and help her plan the big day. Not to be some puppet you send down the aisle looking utterly ridiculous so that the bride looks even more beautiful next to her.
But then again, I have a very different approach to weddings as seems to be common here in Aus. To me, it was about having a big party and celebrate with friends and family a new chapter in my and DH's lives and not some sort of production I perform for my guests. I have been to those types of weddings, and they were indeed beautiful, but not my thing.
I have a friend who tried for over 2 years to get pregnant. She was so upset that it wasn't happening and all her good friends knew about that. Her "best friend" asked her to be her BM. And shortly after my friend agreed, she found out that she was finally pregnant and would be 6 months along at her friend's wedding. Rather than being ecstatic for her, this friend was so upset that she could be so "inconsiderate" as to fall pregnant before her big day. WTF? She made my friend feel horrible by telling her how because of her, the photos won't look that good. A wedding is about sharing this special day with your loved ones, not to take beautiful photos.

Anyway, sorry for this rant..
I would be very open with her. Tell her that you are flattered to be in her bridal party (even though you have been demoted). But tell her that you won't be comfortable in the dress design she has chosen and that you won't be able to enjoy the day. Ask her if it is possible to make a few changes and if she does not want to cooperate at all, then offer to bow out and support her and her planning without officially being in the bridal party. I reckon, if you use the same material for your dress as the other bridesmaids, a few minor changes wouldn't make too much of a difference. It will still look sort of uniform. Actually, I have been to a few weddings where the bridesmaids all wore dresses in slightly different styles, flattering the individual body shapes, but made from the same fabric. And it looked gorgeous. Similarly, I have seen bridal parties wearing the same design, same fabric, but in different colours (ie. all pastels or all metallics) and that looked alright, too.

Regarding the commitments, just tell her that as much as you are happy to be her bridesmaid, you are a mother first and foremost and you will give her as much time as you can spare, but of course you can't neglect your commitment as a mother, either.

Regarding your feelings about being demoted, you can of course tell her. I'm sure she'll understand. And it might help you with your feelings of resentment. But I personally would be too proud and too polite to say it to her. I would pretend that I'm above such petty jealousy, which of course, I wouldn't be

I hope you and your friend will sort this out. it would be such a shame for your friendship to suffer from something like this.

Sasa

[Nelle]

Well done on a hard decision. I guess your friend forgot that part of being a friend is to be friendly.