Bridesmaids Dress - an awful one :( i'm the bridesmaid

[briggsy's girl]

i can understand you are hurt.

But you simply dont have a choice hun. It is her day and if she wants you to wear a cheerleading outfit and do flick flacks down the isle, then you do. - that is what you sign up for when you agreed to be in her wedding. What you want doesnt count, nor should it. It is her day, her day to remember for the rest of her life, her day to have what she wants, whether you think you look good in it or not.
And if she wants you to be apart of preperations, then you are. You can't necessarily make EVERY day she needs you if she is obviously having many days lol but you have an obligation to attend when you can, regardless of how tizzy you consider things to be.
If you think you need straps on your dress, let her know. Perhaps a halter strap can be added to your dress?

sorry - another that has to disagree on this front - your role as bridesmaid is to support the bride - yup - no argument - that DOES NOT mean you have to drop your own standards or be uncomfortable in what you are asked to wear and/or do. a wedding is about the bride and groom, no doubt, that doesn't mean that being asked to be part of the bridal party enslaves you to them for the period of time from when you are asked until the end of the wedding day. it doesn't mean you have to compromise yourself in any way. yes, you can't dictate exactly what you'll wear, but you can sure as hell step up and say sorry, no, i'm not going to wear this, i'm not going to be comfortable, and i think we need to work together to find something that meets with both your likes and my needs clothing wise. i myself would not wear strapless or above the knee - hell no - and if i was TOLD i had to wear it i'd decline to be a part of the bridal party. i have been in more than one bridal party, and have expressed my dislikes clothing wise (short, strapless) and have then allowed the bride to choose a style she liked. in the end we were all happy as i was comfy in the clothes, i wasn't, on the day, working hard to stop my boobs flopping out or trying to hide my "ugly legs" so, shock of shock, i could actually help the bride on the day!

as to the "days" of organising - put your foot down NOW. i was bridesmaid in a wedding 4 years ago in a situation where i was asked to step up and help with some "budget saving" things as the groom got injured and lost his job less than a week after they announced when they were going to get married. i agreed - i considered the bride a friend. bad idea - i was used sooooo badly. i paid for a lot of stuff on the proviso i'd get the money back (hasn't happened) - and in fact i not only paid for this stuff, i ended up paying a couple of their bills i still haven't gotten back (and never will now). i ended up doing invitations, place cards, books for the day, guest gifts etc. i even wrote the bulk of their damn ceremony! i made myself available to them as i thought that's what a bridesmaid is supposed to do - but it isn't - i got used and abused and barely even got a thankyou. yes, helping to keep the bride calm on the day is your job. taking the stresses off the bride in the lead up (like making sure she remembers everything) - sure, your job. catering to the itty bitty little details of HER wedding - hell no!!! if she wants all the fancy smancy stuff, it is HER responsibility - she has a hell of a long time to do it between now and October (trust me, i had all the trimmings, and did them all with no help in less than three months!)

i too would (and did) take offence at being demoted from chief bridesmaid/MOH just for partnering purposes. it's a load of crap! how much time do you really spend with your "partner"? on our wedding day, my SIL was MOH, and one of my friends the other attendant. my bro (SIL's partner) was an attendant, and best man was one of DH's friends. it didn't make any difference! i was demoted from chief bridesmaid at the above wedding so that the brides future DIL could be put in that role. she did nothing at all. i don't believe that choosing your bridal party for who they will be partnered with is a good move - i think you need to choose your bridal party for the support they will offer.

i can't entirely whinge about being demoted as i was partnered with the man who has since become my DH - but i think we would have hooked up anyway. i did have a problem being asked to be the ONLY attendant and then being demoted so that someone else could fly in three days before the wedding, i could make her dress on her arrival, and she could get to have all the "credit" of being the chief bridesmaid....

[Lilly-Pilly]

I've been there done that. Was friends with a girl for 13 years. She asked me to be her bridesmaid, then changed the venue, the date and decided kids weren't allowed either. She had it NYE. I told her i couldn't do it, after stressing and stressing for months about what to do.
I tried and tried to help her with everything but she *****ed about everyone and everything. In the end I had no choice but to pull out. She was pleasant until the wedding, i went to the ceremony and that was it. She barely spoke to me there and then **** hit the fan afterwards, she accused me of everything after everything i did to help her.
Needless to say we aren't friends anymore. She was the one who chose to end a 13 year friendship over her wedding. In the end, no loss to me, i have lots of great friends. She now doesn't speak to her family and at least 3 friends now. She had 27 people all up at the wedding, most was family, so it doesn't say much about her friends and friendships does it!

ANyway, unfortunatly friendships can be easily ended over a wedding, even really good ones like I had. In the end I had to to what was right for me, which was to pull out. Simple as that. She ended the friendship, not me and that was fine too. Somethings you just can't change or help.

If you dont want to do it, then tell her you can't for whatever reason. Be true to yourself.

[Kitt3n]

Thankyou so much for your support ladies.

I sent her an email yesterday to suggest a wrap - on the basis that it would look a little classier and she has told me to do some bicep curls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I really want out.

[DaintreeDream]

oh that is horrible.

I am the kind of person that would just say, 'I feel uncomfortable and it you can't understand that I am sorry but I'm out...' hmm I think I am a little mean at times but I just think that if they do not care how you feel then what kind of friend are they (not trying to suggest that she isn't a good friend in every other aspect), maybe that is why I have no girlfriends left .

[Manhattan]

Sweetie, that really is horrible

She sounds completely unreasonable, and I can understand why you want out! Maybe you could email her again and lay all your feeling outs ie -wrap, straps, length, days organising etc, and see how she replies to that. She might just give you the out you are looking for.....

I don't envy you in the slightest hun, and it is sad that she is all 'me me me'. Like the other girls said, it is her day, but I think she is taking it a bit too far. She needs to realise that she is privileged to have you as a friend and bridesmaid, and that you do not have to bow and scrape to her just because she is the bride.

Good luck x

[Tinks]

No bridesmaid is ever happy with what they have to wear. I have been in 2 weddings and both times had to wear the most DISGUSTING outfits which didn't suit me. I did it because the brides truely loved those sytles (blergh!!) and I figured me looking ugly on the day was a refelction on HER not me!

If you want to bow out of the bridal party you have every right to do so BUT you have to be prepared to lose this friendship over it. So maybe just weigh up wether this woman is worth wearing the ugly dress for or not.

Best of luck.

[Peach]

Hey K3tt3n,

I really think you should ask her out for a coffee and just tell her how your feeling .. and I just noticed you have a 3 month old bubby!! OMG!! Just have an honest chat with her and say how you feel..

I did this for my sisters wedding and she said .. okay lets make you and halter and when I first said I would be in her bridal party .. I said long dress .. or find someone else.. I know this is harsh .. but its my sister and I guess we have that open communication thing happening that sisters have..

Good luck let us know how it goes!

[Turkish Delight]

Hey Cat,

I'm Matron of Honour at my best friends wedding in July and when we went shopping for the dresses, we both (the bridesmaid, there's only two of us) had a say in the dress and the colour. My BF always told us that she wanted both of us to be happy and comfortable with the dress but she would then again have the final say. The other girl wanted a short dress (she is size 0) and i was so against it (as i am not a size 0 and have thick calves which i always try to hide), so i know where you are coming from. We finally decided on a long gown style dress which is truly princess like, it is gorgeous. The other bridesmaid isn't overly excited about the dress we chose but she didn't reject it either.

You need to tell her that you would not be comfortable in that style of dress and how you feel about being demoted to bridesmaid. I'd be pretty peed to if it happened to me. She first asked you to be MOH then you should be it. I think its pretty rude of her to do that to you. If you don't like the dress and she does not compromise on the dress, then i personally wouldn't be a bridesmaid or MOH. I know it is her day, but it will be a very loooooong day for you too, in a dress which you hate.

Goodluck. xxoo

[Manhattan]

No bridesmaid is ever happy with what they have to wear. I have been in 2 weddings and both times had to wear the most DISGUSTING outfits which didn't suit me. I did it because the brides truely loved those sytles (blergh!!) and I figured me looking ugly on the day was a refelction on HER not me!

Tinkerbell, I have to disagree, sure there are some weddings where the BMs hate their dresses, but there are also weddings where they love their dresses. For my wedding, I pretty much gave my BMs free reign (within reason) and they decided on their dresses together and absolutely loved them. I wanted them to look gorgeous on the day, I'm not a believer in them looking bad so I look good, and they received so many compliments on the day. Now they even have plans to wear their dresses again as guests of other weddings, and to the spring racing carnival.

I agree that it is a reflection on the bride, but I also think the bride needs to accomodate the needs of her bridesmaids, and that means being comfortable in a dress, especially if the BM is a BF mother.

[Tinks]

Tinkerbell, I have to disagree, sure there are some weddings where the BMs hate their dresses, but there are also weddings where they love their dresses. For my wedding, I pretty much gave my BMs free reign (within reason) and they decided on their dresses together and absolutely loved them. I wanted them to look gorgeous on the day, I'm not a believer in them looking bad so I look good, and they received so many compliments on the day. Now they even have plans to wear their dresses again as guests of other weddings, and to the spring racing carnival.

I agree that it is a reflection on the bride, but I also think the bride needs to accomodate the needs of her bridesmaids, and that means being comfortable in a dress, especially if the BM is a BF mother.

Oh yes, I totally agree with you. I was just saying that I wore the hideous dresses, not that she had to. I also let my BMs choose their own outfits, 2 of them chose pants and the other one chose a dress. I didn't care as long as they were happy and all the outfits matched somewhat.

[Manhattan]

Gotcha TB

[Leonie P]

Thankyou so much for your support ladies.

I sent her an email yesterday to suggest a wrap - on the basis that it would look a little classier and she has told me to do some bicep curls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I really want out.

She is a Bridezilla, unless you have come up with another idea then I would take her aside at a lunch one day or similar and tell her honestly that she really hurt your feelings stepping you down from MOH and that despite that you were still willing to take on the role of BM but you really aren't comfortable with the dress and would like to step down. I would make it clear to her that it is not an ultimatum just how you feel.
Good luck what ever you decide.

[Glamourcide]

... and she has told me to do some bicep curls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I really want out.

I can't speak for anyone else obviously, but for me personally - that would be my 'out'. Sorry love, you want to talk down to your friends like that, especially friends who are trying to help make your day the most special you've ever had, it makes you no friend of mine.
That's just an awful thing to say to someone. I'm speechless. I was going to suggest that you mention a wrap or bolero-type jacket, and put forward the notion of it being a 'classier' option for the ladies who aren't blessed with fabulous muscle tone etc (I feel your pain hun, my legs are fine but my upper body definitely needs some work, so I would baulk at strapless dresses too!)... but obviously this woman is just too caught up in 'me me me' to even be reasonable about considering alterations to make her bridesmaids stress-free and therefore more able to help her cope with the inevitable stresses of the big day.

This is one reason I didn't even *mention* to any of my friends that DH and I were tying the knot - I didn't want any b*tchfights over who would be in the bridal party, what dresses they would wear, how much money each person would be expected to put towards things for the event, etc etc... I wanted to be really selfish and have my wedding day be truly all about DH and I, so we only told our family, and the first any of our friends knew about a wedding was when we posted the photos on Facebook the day after!!

I'm sorry, I can't really offer much advice on what you should do as I'm still fuming on your behalf about the 'bicep curls' comment. My goodness... if anybody ever tried to pull that with me....! I don't know how strong or long-lasting this friendship is, so I can't tell you whether it's worth pulling out over or just grinning and bearing it, or demanding a compromise if she wants you to stick around, kwim? Only you can make that decision, but I would suggest giving it another try and really trying to sit her down and explain your concerns - you have every right to want to feel pretty and comfortable in your dress, and every right to feel upset at being 'demoted' for such a silly reason, and every right to say that you cannot put in as much effort as she expects of you for wedding prep because you have your own commitments - you have an infant who needs your attention, amongst many other things I'm sure (because who *isn't* constantly busy these days?!). If she cannot accept your concerns and be reasonable, then that imo is enough answer for you about what you should do, kwim?

I really hope you can get through to her and that she's smart enough to realise she has a great friend in you, and does what she can to reach a compromise that's acceptable for all parties. If not, I have to say I think you're better off without her - sorry if that's harsh... maybe I'm too quick to give people the flick, but that's me.
*hugs* I'm so sorry she's making you feel so bad. She should be wanting joy around her at this time, not making her mates miserable!!!

[Willow]

I sent her an email yesterday to suggest a wrap - on the basis that it would look a little classier and she has told me to do some bicep curls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh oh, I sense a bridezilla brewing....

Seriously, if she's not willing to negotiate about the dress YOU are wearing for goodness sake, she's likely to be very painful throughout the planning.

Having been there myself, I let my b'maids chose their own dresses. I picked the fabric and told them to go to town. Ironically, they chose the same style and both looked lovely, but I couldn't have cared less as long as I looked great! Same with their hair and make up, they decided all of that on their own.

[Novella]

bicep curls!! what the, I'd be doing lots just so Id have the strenght to strangle her

Do what the others have suggested and outline your concerns to her face to face. If she is any kind of friend she will try and come to a compromise with you. If not just say you are hoping to still bf matisse and it might be tricky to care for her and be in the bridal party if you dont want a scene but want to opt out.

I have picked a dress for my bridesmaids but have told them to tell me if they don't like it want straps or different lengths etc. (they all said they like it and 2 of them are the type that would just say it if the hated it)The design isn't one I absolutely love but I think it is the best design for girls with very different shapes. I have 4 girls in the bridal party and think it might have gotten tricky for them to pick one and agree on it.

[Just Me]

I have photographed a few weddings and can I just say from a photographers perspective short dresses (especially ones above the knee) look horrible in photographs (on anyone - even people that resemble stick insects). Unless you all have fake tans done, legs often look very white and too much skin in photographs is horrible. Also doing photos sitting down becomes very problematic (and you can imagine why). Also dresses that sit on the knee or just above it give people a sense of uneasiness because it looks they are being cut in half at their joints. Dresses that sit just below the knee are far more flattering.

I think maybe you could approach it from that perspective . . . talk to her about wedding photos and how they will turn out (be careful what you say though or she may just end up making you fork out for a fake tan as well). Wedding photos with girls in longer dresses (not necessarily floor length) turn out much nicer.

I have also been to weddings where some of the bridesmaids have straps on their dresses and others have their dresses strapless. It is not all that noticeable that the dresses are different. If you are big busted (I'm not sure if you are or not) then straps will definitely be more flattering for you and for her wedding photos as well as it will sit properly rather than trying to fight gravity and you won't be tugging the dress up the whole day.

Don't know if all that helps much but thought I would put it out there and let you do what you think with it. It is hard when friends get married and it is meant to be fun and exciting to share it with them and it turns into a nightmare. The good news is that most bridezillas settle down after they are married and become normal again. If you can tolerate it for that one day (and the 6 months leading up to it) then you may very well be saving a valuable friendship. She will be her old self again and obviously you are her friend for a reason (even if they aren't apparent now). Just keep reminding yourself of those reasons and tell yourself you can do this.

You are not on an easy journey and I wish you all the best

[Jaycee]

She told you to do bicep curls??
I'm sorry but she has absolutely no respect for you by the sounds of it, firstly she demoted you (a big no no in my books) and now this?
Sweety, if you want to pull out I think you have every reason to!!

[Bathsheba]

I think Townsvillegirl has given you (and all Brides) some excellent advice! I agree completely with her stylistic suggestions and warnings.

Lime: That approach (doing whatever the bride bids without question) I think is too open to abuse... healthy adult relationships should always be willing and receptive to compromise. You make it sound like a session of S&M (sado-masochism LOL) with the bride playing the role of Dominatrix! Being a bride doesn't exempt a person from having a bit of compassion.

Kitten: That suggestion to do bicep curls was shocking darl. Maybe give her one final chance... take her to lunch and lay your heart on the line, be totally honest, you want to reveal her true opinions remember... make up your mind during this meeting... and do it quickly, get it over and done with for both your sakes. Try not to get emotional or defensive... otherwise the whole thing will degenerate and things will be said that will be regretted.

My gut feel is that she might do better having another person on her bridal party. I don't see this situation being good for either of you... especially that you have such a young baby too. Personally i would aim to salvage the friendship until she gets to the otherside of marriage... then take it from there.