Thank you to all who have replied, I read this regularly and take heart from the love and advice that you all have sent. It has helped more then i can say.
I was looking for hope, looking for something to let me know that losing Bella was something that I could survive because for a while there it did not seem that I could. Knowing that I am not the only one to have lost (and I knew that I wasnt) but that there were people who had gotten through a loss like ours was the light that I was looking for. I am having good days and bad days, more good then bad.
Bella's due date came and went. It was a day that loomed for me and I dreaded it coming, at the time I didn't know why. I was so anxious, I was having nightmares every night watching her die over and over. My poor husband didnt know what to do. It wasnt until the day came that I figured out why I had had such a hard time, aside from the obvious.
I woke on the morning and had a cry, got everyone ready for work and school and then went out to Bellas grave to spend some time with her. we have a simpe white cross for her until we can decide on a stone, it has a pink ribbon tied around it and I have planted a mini rose beside it which regardless of neglect is blooming and growing well. I sat with her and spoke with her. Telling her how much we loved her and how much I wish she could have stayed. How great a big brother and sister she has, how we would have been wonderful parents for her and how much I wanted to hold her and how i wished I could have watched her grow and experience life with us. It was then that I realised that I had decided some time before that her due date was the day I had decided to let go of all of the dreams and hopes that i had held for her. It was the day she should have been born well and chubby, the day from which I could see her eyes, watch her grow, hear her laugh and see her dance and I had subconciously decided that I would let go of all of the things that I couldnt have with her. Not let her go because I will never do that, she will always be in my heart, but I released the hopes and dreams that I held for her. It was hard, but it was also healing in a way.
I told my husband that while I know that Bella isnt there at the cemetery (she is in a far better place of course), that it was really nice to have one on one with her, a space where it is just her and me. And it is a beautiful place where her plot is, peaceful, lovely and as funny as it is, a place that I see as her being surrounded by love. The love of so many families who have gone down this path before us.
I am back at work. Trying to find my new normal. It has a strong sense of weird about it. There are many people who dodge me, which I find sad and amusing at the same time. I know they dont know what to say, I figure they will get around it eventually. The part I was dreading most thankfully didnt happen until the end of my first day back in the lift as I was leaving. I got through the day without crying, then I was chatting with a lovely lady from another section and she commented that I was back and asked how long i'd been gone, I replies 4 and a bit months, she asked if I was back part time and I replied, no full time, then she asked how I went getting child care.......I replied "oh lovely, I lost my bubba" Poor bugger, she went pale and appologised. I told her it was ok, that I she didnt know and that I would rather tell people myself then have it be office gossip. we said goodbye and I walked to the car in tears. I told my husband that this was what I had been dreading, people who knew I was pregnant, knew I had been gone and now i was back so the natural asumption was that we'd had the baby and all was well.
Today is a bad day, as opposed to the good days that I have had.
It is 5 months since we lost Bella, we have good days and bad days, the good are starting to outweigh the bad but there is always a constant ache in me where she should be.
I dropped our son off to care this morning and once i got in the car i just felt like crying, so I did. There was no trigger, it just hit me today.
Every day that I drive to work i have to drive past close to where Bella's grave is, today I didn't want to drive past. So I pulled off the hwy and went to visit with her. It is a beautiful day here, Bella's rose is growing well which astounds me as it rarely receives any care or water. I sat there with my baby and cried. I told her again that I love her and that I wish every day that things could be different and that I wished that she could have stayed with us. I am on repeat, but that is all that I can feel. I wonder if she hears me. I tell her that I hope that we were able to give to her what she needed in her brief life journey. I hope that the love we gave her in the short time that she was with us was enough to last her till we are together again.
Life and people are such strange things. I cannot get my head around how my family can pretend that everything is normal, how they can never mention Bella, that they do not even ask me how I am going. It is such a hurtful thing to have such a monumental and life altering loss occur for it only to be brushed aside. Then again this is our loss and I suppose that I cannot expect anyone else to feel that, yet I feel so let down by my family, how is it that the people that you thought would be there the most are the ones that are most absent?
I wish I could talk to another mother who has been through this but I don't think I am ready to feel someone else's loss face to face as just reading all of you lovely ladies stories sends me into a state of tears, face to face I think I would be consumed by it. I just want to hold another mums hand and say "This is really ****, its just horrible and it never ends and it never will" and know that she feels it the same way i do. This place that I am in is so lonely because I know that no one I know has ever felt this, that no one I know can possibly under stand.
My husband is wonderful, being male of course he is dealing with his grief differently. We are close and are working at getting through this together, had I not had him, I don't think that I would have. We take one day at a time and try to understand when one of us has a 'bad' day.
The kids are great and they and my husband are who makes being here worth it. I remind myself of it often.
One day at a time..............and hoping for a better day tomorrow
I'm here and I'm listening and I'm so glad you at least have this place to put your thoughts and words out there. I am sure with everything in me that your beautiful Bella was listening, is always listening and is always with you. Please take care.
Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful daughter Bella, and I'm very sorry she's now with the angels . I just wanted to tell you that it does get easier with time. I lost my little boy Joshua 4 years ago, and some days it still feels like it happened yesterday. I know the days when you feel guilty for smiling, let alone laughing. But they will come, with time. The worst for me is when people don't mention his name so much anymore, and worse when they forget his birthday. But I know that he is with me always and I will never forget him, all he needs is my love. I also wanted to say that I went to some SANDS meetings and I found them quite good. Very confronting, but they helped me move on. I wish you peace and healing on your journey xox
I haven't walked the path that you have, and I don't pretend to know the depth of the ache within you. But as I read your story, I really felt I had to say something to you, so I hope that's ok.
I just wanted to say that Bella's life was significant. As brief as her time on earth was, she is valuable, precious, and her presence has made an indelible impact. She may not grow up to have the usual achievements and milestones in life, but simply by being in the world for that short time, she changed it forever. Not even death can take away the significance of her life, or the love that you will always have for her.
White Doves - If you want to get in touch with another mother you can phone SANDs or an organisation like that. You don't even have to hear their story, but you know they get it. Is a very lonely path although many have walked it before us and will after us.
I spoke about my sons all the time. It was hard when I would see people get uncomfortable, but it was my reality so they had to deal with it.. I think what helped the most though was having other bereaved Mama's to talk to. I could spill everything to them and get it out. It is my twins 4th Birthday next week and I still make a big deal of the day. They are thought of every single day. I am now blessed enough to have a living child so the pain is easier to bear.. This, along with time helps. 5 months is not a long time in the scheme of a life time which is how long you will be missing your sweet Bella. Take it easy and know it's ok to have crappy days. I call it riding the waves of grief. Sometimes they just lap at the surface, other times they come crashing down on you. Please know I am here listening.
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. I just wanted to tell you that it does get easier with time. I lost my little boy Joshua 4 years ago, and some days it still feels like it happened yesterday. I know the days when you feel guilty for smiling, let alone laughing. But they will come, with time. The worst for me is when people don't mention his name so much anymore, and worse when they forget his birthday. But I know that he is with me always and I will never forget him, all he needs is my love. I also wanted to say that I went to some SANDS meetings and I found them quite good. Very confronting, but they helped me move on. I wish you peace and healing on your journey xox
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