Thank you to all who have replied, I read this regularly and take heart from the love and advice that you all have sent. It has helped more then i can say.
I was looking for hope, looking for something to let me know that losing Bella was something that I could survive because for a while there it did not seem that I could. Knowing that I am not the only one to have lost (and I knew that I wasnt) but that there were people who had gotten through a loss like ours was the light that I was looking for. I am having good days and bad days, more good then bad.
Bella's due date came and went. It was a day that loomed for me and I dreaded it coming, at the time I didn't know why. I was so anxious, I was having nightmares every night watching her die over and over. My poor husband didnt know what to do. It wasnt until the day came that I figured out why I had had such a hard time, aside from the obvious.
I woke on the morning and had a cry, got everyone ready for work and school and then went out to Bellas grave to spend some time with her. we have a simpe white cross for her until we can decide on a stone, it has a pink ribbon tied around it and I have planted a mini rose beside it which regardless of neglect is blooming and growing well. I sat with her and spoke with her. Telling her how much we loved her and how much I wish she could have stayed. How great a big brother and sister she has, how we would have been wonderful parents for her and how much I wanted to hold her and how i wished I could have watched her grow and experience life with us. It was then that I realised that I had decided some time before that her due date was the day I had decided to let go of all of the dreams and hopes that i had held for her. It was the day she should have been born well and chubby, the day from which I could see her eyes, watch her grow, hear her laugh and see her dance and I had subconciously decided that I would let go of all of the things that I couldnt have with her. Not let her go because I will never do that, she will always be in my heart, but I released the hopes and dreams that I held for her. It was hard, but it was also healing in a way.
I told my husband that while I know that Bella isnt there at the cemetery (she is in a far better place of course), that it was really nice to have one on one with her, a space where it is just her and me. And it is a beautiful place where her plot is, peaceful, lovely and as funny as it is, a place that I see as her being surrounded by love. The love of so many families who have gone down this path before us.
I am back at work. Trying to find my new normal. It has a strong sense of weird about it. There are many people who dodge me, which I find sad and amusing at the same time. I know they dont know what to say, I figure they will get around it eventually. The part I was dreading most thankfully didnt happen until the end of my first day back in the lift as I was leaving. I got through the day without crying, then I was chatting with a lovely lady from another section and she commented that I was back and asked how long i'd been gone, I replies 4 and a bit months, she asked if I was back part time and I replied, no full time, then she asked how I went getting child care.......I replied "oh lovely, I lost my bubba" Poor bugger, she went pale and appologised. I told her it was ok, that I she didnt know and that I would rather tell people myself then have it be office gossip. we said goodbye and I walked to the car in tears. I told my husband that this was what I had been dreading, people who knew I was pregnant, knew I had been gone and now i was back so the natural asumption was that we'd had the baby and all was well.
Touching base
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