Reply With QuoteLN: I think all skybie is trying to say is they made a bad situation worse by not showing her any respect. Nothing could have made it ok but just them thinking of her for a second would have made the situations much better.
Hugs Skybie
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Noone knew they were trying. Even her dad didnt take the news too well.
I guess it depends on the individual, my best friend has put off ttc until after this baby is born. Ive ttold her its fine to try I want them to have another bub, but she wants to protect me which is very selfless of her
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LN: I think all skybie is trying to say is they made a bad situation worse by not showing her any respect. Nothing could have made it ok but just them thinking of her for a second would have made the situations much better.
Hugs Skybie
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Glad you have such good friends around you hun!
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I totally understand.... I'm the 'oldest' sister in my family and my beautiful sister has two children... I love her and the kids, but it was still hard. ALL of my friends have kids, and being newly married, the "when are you having children" conversations are starting to arise. People don't know we have been trying for 3 years, but in the end, all I can do is be happy for them. So far (touch wood) I haven't had anyone be sneaky or nasty about their own pregnancies towards me.
I've managed to stay calm, and love them and their situation. I know my circumstances are totally different you will get through this current journey before you know it. love these children and one day your very own prayers will be answered.
The only time I've ever been pregnant, I lost the baby at 5 weeks, and I know that isn't the same. I'm not beginning to claim I can walk in anyone elses shoes, but know this, you can get through whatever is thrown at you. Don't worry about other people and their reactions. If they want to carry on like pork chops, you don't need that. Make room and time for love in your life. That's all you need.
I hope so badly you get what you want out of life over the many decades to come. In the mean time, stay strong and focused on your family! Rise above (like you know you can) the other crap, it isn't worth your pain.
You are worthy of enjoying christmas and all it brings.
Take care x
Last edited by kimmi; December 1st, 2011 at 08:05 PM.
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Whilst I can clearly see both sides of the story, I can defiantely sympathise with where Skye has come from.
I dont nessesarily see it as "rubbing it in ones face" but I can definately see how it would hurt. Especially if you knew someone was deliberately keeping it secret.
Right now, I have my SIL, my Cousins Wife and a friend who are pregnant. The close friend is due the same day Reid was due.
I've chosen to be happy for these people but to distance myself from them until I can better emotionally deal with it.
I think if you take responsibility for your own feeling and take action to avoid situations thats going to make you feel like $hit then your doing everyone a favour.
LN - Without wanting to make it sound *****y or anything, unless you've experienced the loss of a baby, its really hard to understand the emotions that come with it. I myself feel very much similar to Skye. Seeing other peoples bellys and babies and pregnancies is torture. But again, taking what I've said above and using that is probably a better way to deal with it. Keep in mind that this thread was created when Skye was still in the deep of her grief. Hopefully in time, your friend will come around and realise that she was grieving and that she may have went about things the wrong way. Hopefully. All the best on your TTC journey.
Do you have a different outlook now Skye?
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Of course i see things differently, at the time of writing this post it had all just happened and i was incredibly hurt.
like i said i still havent seen or spoken to my step sister but thats not because she's pregnant, tis because of everything else that went on.
in all honesty i probably still wouldnt have seen her at christmas, she'll be 36 weeks pregnant and i think it would have been too much for me given that christmas is going to be hard anyway.
LN, be glad that u dont understand where myself and your friend is coming from, because if you did understand, then u urself would have buried a child
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Not really able to give advice, since everyone who was pregnant around me when I was newly grieving had already been pregnant, but this has made me wonder something about my own family...
I wonder how my uncle felt when my parents told them I was on the way? I was conceived only about two weeks after my cousin died. I doubt my parents put any thought into how it might make my uncle and aunty feel
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So I havent had a late loss, but I have been pg myself so many times this year that I cannot look at a pg woman. If I do the tears and the daggers to the heart hurt like hell. I have distanced myself from my pg friends almost this entire year because I couldnt bear to see their swelling bellies and newborns. So I totally understand where Sara and Skye are coming from...100%.
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Ditto to what Diamond Girl has said. All my losses have been first tri-mester too but some of the feelings that surface sometimes even take me aback sometimes but I can't control it.
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Oh Sara, I didn't have a bad outlook on Skye at all (sorry Skye if you felt that, btw). And you're right I have no idea what it is like to grieve the loss of a baby, but I was just saying here's the other side of the fence. KWIM? I get the not being able to be around pregnant women completely. I get annoyed/jealous/upset because I'm not there yet.. so I cannot even begin to fathom how you ladies feel having been there, but not being able to hold your babyI am so sorry anyone has to go through that.
Of course it would hurt to have a close friend/family member being pregnant after you have just lost one. I was just raising the point (NOT justifying Skye's step-sisters behaviour AT ALL. Totally foul) - but initially, before she behaved like a beast, maybe she WAS protecting your feelings by not telling you she was TTC then pregnant? I guess that's all I was trying to say.
I still don't understand however, why my friend thinks it's ok to dictate my life. I get that she's grieving, and no, I don't know what that feels like but I'm also not stupid. I've seen how people react, I've read some stories here and it breaks my heart. But she doesn't get to tell me I myself cannot have children. It's just frustrating
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is your friend ttc aswell?
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Not yet, she hasn't ovulated since losing her son. She said she wants to start trying again straight away.
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The desperation you feel to be pregnant again is so overwhelming. Your friend wants a happy ending, hearing of other people falling pregnant when our bodies have failed our babies and arent doing what we want them.to do is hard to take.
.Wishingboth of you the best
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LN: I also think that surely after experiencing this depth of greif one doesn't need to see it from the other persons point of view. It can and should be all about them, their greif, their pain and in their own time their healing. I get that we should try to see things from others POV but really I think there's a limit to that. Like when someone commits murder and they expect the persons family to come along to mediation and expect them to forgiven them! No sorry that power is owned by the person grieving.
Oh I don't know if I have made any sense at all. LN I am just trying to learn in this midfield of other people greif that upmost respect is needed and whilst I understand your POV I'm not sure you have picked the right area to voice your thoughts/frustrations.
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There are so many intense emotions in this thread. I dont know if I have the right to jump in here.
I have had a m/c this year but I have never had to bury my own child. I dont know that I would ever be capable of anything after that. My heart breaks for all that have had to deal with that. It makes my heart hurt just reading all these stories.
Essentially I am an outsider looking in, but please dont think I am trying to lecture anyone, or push my opinion on anyone with my post. I havent had any children as yet, and I have always wanted to be a mother, so I might be a little bias on this side of things. I am not trying to offend or trivialise anyones emotions, so please do not take me the wrong way.
I feel so bad for you Skybie. Honestly I want to drop in on your family and have a quiet word about it. They clearly cannot feel what you are feeling or even have any idea of the depth of your pain because they have not been there. I really dont think they have any clue how bad it is for you.
I really dont know how I would have reacted in your situation. I would have wanted to rip her eyeballs out for sitting in my kitchen 2 weeks earlier and not saying anything. I am wondering if she thought she might try and tell you then but couldnt bring herself to do it? Then got your mum to do it because she couldnt bare seeing your pain. I guess its one of those situations where either way you go it involves a hell of alot of pain. For some people its too much to deal with. They just cant do it. I guess she was protecting herself and was afraid of what it would do to you. She should have spoken to you about it herself, but people rarely do the right thing at the right time. Not because they are bad people, but because we are all stumbling through life and learning as we go. God knows there are many situations I could have handled better and saved someone some pain.
As far as the other behaviour is concerned, FB status and deletion is just plain cold hearted. plain and simple. I realise they are being protective of her but a little thought before such hurtful actions would have been a good idea. At the end of the day, the problem/situation/issue was between you and her. Family is a tricky thing. Things become out of control so easy. Basically, no one else should be getting involved. If you could strip it back to just you and her, you could prob work it out in time.
Lady_Neon - omg. Your friend does not really sound like she is dealing with her anger and pain at all. When someone is greiving and not coping with that enormous amount of pain, there is an overflow but it is not right to expect you to work your life plans around it. Maybe suggesting some counselling or something like that would be useful. I would try my best not to judge her based on her extreme grief and the fact that her hormones would be all over the place right now and will be for some time, but at the end of the day, you are just as deserving of children as the next person and as much as we think we are in control of when and where and how we have children, we are not. Have you tried telling her how you feel when she reacts that way to you TTC? From what everyone on here has said, the pain never leaves you and you always miss your lost child, so even when she gets pregnant again, this will not change for her, so asking you to put off one of the few great, if not the greatest gift in life, i find really difficult to understand. Its not fair she lost her baby, I cant think of anything worse actually, but wanting someone to wait to start a family, is completely different to asking someone to wait.
But grief is all consuming and we have no control over it.
I just everyone to be able to have babies. I cant imagine what women went through before forums like this. Where on earth did they get there support and the safe environment so desperatly needed in order to feel their pain outloud and not feel like they had to hide it from people because it made others uncomfortable.
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