Bobbie - so true , you just never really understand it until you've walked the bereaved parent path, and you just never know how you're going to be affected, until you are in the thick of it. Sometimes the most obvious things don't even affect me but the left field ones do.
Sky - wow, it just gets worse for you in terms of insensitive comments in your family..... for christmas 2009 DH and I I spent it at home with our fur babies and angel babies, just our little family. Nothing from the outside at all - no calls, no presents from other people. Just us and our broken hearts. It was just what we needed. Do what you need to do. If people don't understand, then big fat raspberries to them. I have taken a step back from a few people who just weren't able to be considerate of my feelings. And there are others that I just can't take a step back from and consequently, because I haven't, I let them hurt me time and time again. But I make that choice.
My SIL is 33 weeks pregnant and we're spending Christmas with them this year.
I dont want to go at all now but our girls are so looking forward to it that it break their little hearts if I said we were'nt going.
So I guess I'm going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I know the issue is mine and not her's but it still hurts and will only be just oer 4 weeks since Reid's passing when we get down there.
It makes it worse that in my opinion, she doesn't even want the baby. The family didn't find out until about 5 weeks ago that she was even pregnant. She kept it a secret that whole time but told friends. Her poor mother found out through "town gossip". And she's even drinking and smoking dail whilst pregnant.
Its fu**ed up that people like me, who cherish the life inside them, have to go through the hell I''m going through now whilst she's abusing her baby already. No respect at all.
Hi everyone, I don't usually post here - but I do lurk around a bit for advice etc, a friend recently had a stillborn born boy so I've been unsure how to behave around her as I am TTC, which she knows about. I just had to comment on this thread. If it offends/upsets anyone please let me know and I will remove it.
skybie, I'm really sorry how your step sister & brother are behaving. There are no words. Grown adults just don't behave like that, especially to someone who is grieving! I don't have any advice for you hun.
But I do have to agree with Little_mrs wholeheartdly, and she probably put it better than I will, but here goes. I am definitely not saying you deserve how they have treated you - IMO they are absoloute rubbish and you are better off without them. However, coming from the other side of the fence (this is very hard to word, I do mean this in the nicest way possible), you cannot be expecting other people to put their life plans on hold because you lost your son.
From my perspective - above mentioned friend who lost her son is upset at me for TTC, in her words "how dare you have a baby when I've just lost mine! You are so selfish" :| I really just do not know how to react to that. DH and I originally started trying in January, but an operation set us back... I want a baby more than anything, why should I not have a baby just to not upset her? That is really unfair and is putting a lot of strain on our friendship. I understand you wanted to hear about her preg from her, but your OP says "2 months, thats all he'd been gone for before they started trying. im hurt beyond belief." - the pain will never go away for you, but when would have you given her permission to have a baby? What right do you have to tell her when she can or cannot have a baby? That's how I would feel in her shoes (of course I wouldn't react how she did).
I totally understand.... I'm the 'oldest' sister in my family and my beautiful sister has two children... I love her and the kids, but it was still hard. ALL of my friends have kids, and being newly married, the "when are you having children" conversations are starting to arise. People don't know we have been trying for 3 years, but in the end, all I can do is be happy for them. So far (touch wood) I haven't had anyone be sneaky or nasty about their own pregnancies towards me.
I've managed to stay calm, and love them and their situation. I know my circumstances are totally different you will get through this current journey before you know it. love these children and one day your very own prayers will be answered.
The only time I've ever been pregnant, I lost the baby at 5 weeks, and I know that isn't the same. I'm not beginning to claim I can walk in anyone elses shoes, but know this, you can get through whatever is thrown at you. Don't worry about other people and their reactions. If they want to carry on like pork chops, you don't need that. Make room and time for love in your life. That's all you need.
I hope so badly you get what you want out of life over the many decades to come. In the mean time, stay strong and focused on your family! Rise above (like you know you can) the other crap, it isn't worth your pain.
You are worthy of enjoying christmas and all it brings.
Take care x
Last edited by kimmi; December 1st, 2011 at 08:05 PM.
Not really able to give advice, since everyone who was pregnant around me when I was newly grieving had already been pregnant, but this has made me wonder something about my own family...
I wonder how my uncle felt when my parents told them I was on the way? I was conceived only about two weeks after my cousin died. I doubt my parents put any thought into how it might make my uncle and aunty feel
So I havent had a late loss, but I have been pg myself so many times this year that I cannot look at a pg woman. If I do the tears and the daggers to the heart hurt like hell. I have distanced myself from my pg friends almost this entire year because I couldnt bear to see their swelling bellies and newborns. So I totally understand where Sara and Skye are coming from...100%.
Ditto to what Diamond Girl has said. All my losses have been first tri-mester too but some of the feelings that surface sometimes even take me aback sometimes but I can't control it.
Oh Sara, I didn't have a bad outlook on Skye at all (sorry Skye if you felt that, btw). And you're right I have no idea what it is like to grieve the loss of a baby, but I was just saying here's the other side of the fence. KWIM? I get the not being able to be around pregnant women completely. I get annoyed/jealous/upset because I'm not there yet.. so I cannot even begin to fathom how you ladies feel having been there, but not being able to hold your baby I am so sorry anyone has to go through that.
Of course it would hurt to have a close friend/family member being pregnant after you have just lost one. I was just raising the point (NOT justifying Skye's step-sisters behaviour AT ALL. Totally foul) - but initially, before she behaved like a beast, maybe she WAS protecting your feelings by not telling you she was TTC then pregnant? I guess that's all I was trying to say.
I still don't understand however, why my friend thinks it's ok to dictate my life. I get that she's grieving, and no, I don't know what that feels like but I'm also not stupid. I've seen how people react, I've read some stories here and it breaks my heart. But she doesn't get to tell me I myself cannot have children. It's just frustrating I don't bring up my TTC with her at all. She just asks me if we are still trying, and if I say yes she chucks a tanty..
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I don't have any advice for you hun.
I am so sorry anyone has to go through that.
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