I definitely feel relief when I consider the guarentee of no more. Dont get me wrong, I love my children and dont begrudge the investment in their infanthood at all but Im at over 4yrs breastfeeding with probably another 1-2 to go, Ive coslept with one swapped into the other, I feel like Ive given a lot of myself and energy towards them. Im pretty ready to move forward from those things and the older DD2 gets the more the idea of another and heading back into the trenches leaves me cold lol. I love where my DD1 is at for example, I know it still requires a lot of time and energy but it is different and feels more mutual, more in line with being me. Plus with our plans to homeschool at least for the primary years, two is a lot more managable logistically. Outside of that decision too we fit just right in our house, our car, one parent per child, our current dynamic just seems to work.
I keep thinking if we do want to do more with children we could look at temporary fostering or even possibly adoption. Investing in children already here rather then bringing more into it sits a lot better to me although I know it is a long and involved process. Id also be keen to look into anonymous egg donation and feel the sooner the better, while my eggs are young.
Im confident Im sure but I know DP can be more impulsive and Im sure the lure of ditching condoms is quite strong. I guess all I can do is explain all my concerns for him and trust he knows what he feels just like I know what I feel.
The closer we get to DD2 turning 2 (January) the less sure I am! DD2 was conceived around the time DD1 was 2 so it feels like a significant time and I'm feeling so clucky! I have never felt that before, never. I am quite maternal, I think but never clucky for newborns. I love children and raising children and being a mum seems to suit me perfectly but babies were always meh, hurry up, this is a bit boring but now we are seeing them everywhere. Every time we are out we seem to notice babies and pregnant bellies and it is driving me crazy!! And a lot of friends are having babies too so am seeing such beautiful things on facebook. Ah, didn't you get the message brain, we don't want anymore!
And I still don't. Mostly. I mostly think two makes sense. Financially, environmentally, time wise especially with homeschooling. Our car wouldn't fit another and getting another car is not really an option. Grandma has been taking both girls for sleepovers lately and keeps hinting we should have another but then we joke she wouldn't take all three and she agrees and I agree, asking her (and my dad) to have all three at once is too much and so we wouldn't enjoy these beautiful couple nights that we are REALLY loving as we have never had much just us time as I already had DD1 when we met.
Why is this so hard? Logically, two is perfect and I love my sisters who have such a beautiful relationship together. And we are really out of the baby stage now. But somewhere, I want a bigger family. And I daydream about more people joining our family. Filled with different personalities and interests, bringing more life and inspiration into our home. It is a romantic notion, I need to remember it is also bringing more years to breastfeeding (coming up to 5yrs straight now and whilst it has been great, it would also be nice to see the back of), more nappies, more night waking, more carrying a bub that can't walk, more prams, more planning and effort for outings, more expenses...
Does cluckiness pass? Is this a phase? I've been fighting it for a bit now. It does seem to follow my cycle a little, maybe my hormones are kicking in now at 25... does that sound right? Is it just hormones??? HELP. Remind me I don't want this, I can't want this.
It doesn't help that DP is now saying he is 80% keen for another.
I guess the main thing is we shouldn't be doing anything permanent, although part of me thinks that doing it would help to just accept and move on. Feels like this will always be a hard choice... I wish we just knew either way so we could do it and move past this lol. I don't want this to be a thing for years... I'm a very indecisive person by nature, makes me thankful my girls came along as they did or I might never have made up my mind about children and missed something incredible.
You are exactly where I was at after 3 kids. We ummed and ahhhed about a 4th for ages - one month it would be me who wanted it and DH wouldn't, then we'd swap LOL. We did that for ages. I tried to convince myself i was happy with just 3, especially as she got older and we were starting to move out of that baby stage - the first 3 were only 20mths apart so thinking of another baby at that point was just crazy! But I realised that I just wasn't ever going to be satisfied with only 3 so we decided to have our 4th baby. And it was like the switched was turned off so to speak and the cluckiness definitely went away. Like I said previously, we both knew that we were done after that. The only advice I can give you is not to live with regret - give yourself more time to be sure. Maybe you might just need more time, maybe if after another year or so you will know either way what you want to do. Maybe in time you might be in a better position to afford it etc. Or maybe you will feel completely done. Just leave yourself the option and see what happens. There's nothing wrong with the bigger gap - by the time 4 was born there were just over 3 years between DD2 and him. Just don't live with regret.
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