My 14 yo step son has been living with us for 9 or so months now and we are really struggling to get him to pull his weight around the house. He was never required to do any jobs when he lived with his mother. (not even going to school, making his bed, picking his towel up, putting dishes in the sink, doing the dishes etc) And she would just give out money randomly when she had it, it wasn't used as a behavioural reward.
We have sorted out school, he now goes every day but we are struggling to get him to do his jobs to earn pocket money. We set up a schedule of things he had to do to earn money. ie. make his bed & pick up all clothes & pick up bathmat $4 per day. Doing dishes 4 x a week @ $4 per day etc etc. He had a list of things that he could tick off each day and by the end of the week if he had done all his jobs he had the potential to earn $60 per week (which I think is a shed load for a 13/14 year old.) He barely ever earnt the money and it was a constant battle to get him to do his jobs, in particular the dishes. He would continually argue about it- why should he have to do it, he is the kid etc. I am at my wits end and my husband works away Monday to Friday so its just the two of us with one on the way. I was wanting some ideas of how you dish out pocket money to your teenagers, how they earn it and how much etc.
I was considering cutting him off completely now, no jobs, no potential to earn money, no use of the laptop. which means no bought lunches on fridays for having done 75% of his jobs, no lifts to the skate park etc. And then just waiting until he realises that he needs to do some jobs and start earning some money to be able to do things he wants to. Do you think that would eventuate? Could it work?
I would be cutting way back on the $ he gets for each job. As I understand it, he could avoid 75% of his chores and still get cash every week. Perhaps if the money was drastically cut to perhaps $1 per job, with no $ for making his bed but no $ at all if he doesn't make his bed (because to me making a bed isn't a chore, it's an every day habit that I even expect my 5 year olds to do for no reward) then he'll be more inclined to do more because by being lazy he will get next to no money at all.
However I am known for being quite harsh and currently pay my 8 year old $1 a day for keeping the kids toilet clean (and it's not a fun job) and I pay my 7 year old the same for keeping the dining area clean and tidy which is a never ending job. I also don't have teenagers yet so feel free to ignore me completely, just my 2c
I wouldn't be paying him to do everyday things he should be doing regardless of where he lived.
If his bed isn't made, clothes not in the washing basket, towels not hung up, then he doesn't leave the house until they are. No money involved, simply being a part of a household. No lifts anywhere, because he isn't going until his things are tidy and his chores done.
Pocket money in my home was a privilege, not a right, and not payment for participating in my own life - ie making my bed.
If it were me, it would be a sit down serious discussion about expectations and being old enough to do chores, exactly what he is expected to do without prompting, and being a part of a family/household. Until he can manage that, then how do you trust him to carry himself in a decent manner when out of your supervision? If that requires your DH standing there when he gets out of the shower and telling him to hang up the bathmat for a week so he gets the picture, then that is what it takes.
My 5 year old makes her own bed, puts her own clothes in the washing basket, puts them away when they are clean and gets herself dressed everyday, it is part of living her life and it is what is expected of her, I don't pay her to do it. I think that sends the wrong message. That one only need do these things if there is an immediate and physical reward for doing them and that is just not the case in my house. FWIW, I know she is not a teen, but she does get pocket money and she does do her chores, and neither is dependent on the other, and they are never used to encourage or prompt for the other, itms.
Anwyay, good luck, I hope you can work something out before bub comes!
$60 per week?! That seems an awful lot. What does he have to buy with this money? Does he buy his own clothes, pay his entertainment and canteen lunches etc? My niece is 14, she gets $12.50 per week!
My 12 year old gas the capacity to earn $40 a fortnight, for 6 hours work a fortnight. This is above normal part of house hold, her room being clean, bed made and towell hung up is normal house hold stuff.
To earn her money she has to do an hour on monday and Tuesday and 2 on the Saturday she is at home with us. In that time she is responsible for washing her and her siblings clothes, including hanging out, folding and putting away. Main bathroom and toilet cleaning, washing the towels from main bathroom and changing bedding ones a month, I do the other bed changes during the month.
She loses money from what she earns for leaving wet towels in her room. So if she does everything and also leaves towels in her room she won't get the full amount.
In terms of behaviour if she mucho up she loses privileges eg, iPod, tv watching, electronics etc.
What LS said. He's part of the household, he pulls his weight or he can live elsewhere. Why should he? Because it's part of being a civilised human being. It's not fair? BS. It's totally fair. It's not fair that people should run around after him when he's perfectly able to use his hands, feet, head. He's 14. In many communities, he'd be out earning a living by now.
tell him to stop being a bloody princess and act his age.
I've got 2 teenagers (and one 12yr old) and I've just read them your suggested list and they were horrified. They (and I) think its really harsh and they didn't think your house sounds like much fun to live in.
I agree that children need to participate in household chores - after all they live in the house too but at this age I'd much rather they concentrated on studying than housework.
We have a weekly roster drawn up that includes all of us (2 adults, 3 children) and everyone has a job to do each day. They had a say in choosing which job they wanted per day and no-one has sole responsibility for a job (we all have to pick up the dog poo over the week!!)
I don't pay them for helping round the house but I do pay for everything they need. If they want something we negotiate (usually involves them helping cook dinner during the week before or hosing off the gutters).
Our children use their pocket money how they wish (within reason off course), it gives them a sense of worth. I buy their clothing and toiletries, those sort of things aren't really special to the kids, in the past they have saved for things and feel a sense of accomplishement once they buy themselves something.
Argh, one extreme to the other, first I was asking too little and now too much!
I appreciate your honest feedback and god I would never make the kid collect all the dog poo!! I collect it every weekday morning, just not on Saturdays or Sundays!
They are all fair points, I guess my aim is to try and take away from his sense of entitlement, give him some responsibility and the desire to earn the money. I was using some of the ideas others had suggested above (deoderant and clothes) ie. paying him for work done, rather than just participating in the household but I do take your point and think that maybe the roster is a good idea and will show him that everyone has to pull their weight to some extent.
He has his own bathroom & toilet so perhaps he should only clean it once a fortnight and I can do the rest, is doing his own washing too much? Removing the comments re buying his own things- is the list of jobs excessive? Maybe we can sit down and negotiate the jobs he wants to do/ can do from a list of jobs and that way he has input?
Also Ms_fi, how would you recommend helping him to concentrate on studying? He has a tutor and I used to spend time with him each Sunday doing half an hour of maths as well. I think he needs more though- he spends the first 20 minutes whingeing that he doesn't need to do the extra work. I tried to help him study for his science test and we were doing revision for a couple of nights but I found out later that he had already done the test the week before and he hadn't told me. He ended up failing that test. Should I go through with him each night what he has learnt that day and just do some revision with him? Should I do it weekly? Or should I find resources on the internet/ books etc and make up my own little tutoring sessions?
Thanks everyone, such a steep learning curve and its so overwhelming! I am off to see a counsellor tomorrow to help me deal with a teenage step son and absent father so he might give me some more tips.
Last edited by shells79; January 31st, 2013 at 06:17 PM.
: bits about homework
When I was growing up it was always us kids' responsibility to do the night time dishes. We also each had a weekly household job to do on the weekend. Mine was the bathroom, my brother vacuuming and my little sister dusting (she was less than 10 at the time and determined to do something too). We were all responsible for keeping our rooms tidy, hanging up towels etc - it wasn't a 'job' just an expectation. I feel this was plenty - we also had homework and after school sports too. We would occasionally do other things (like cook dinner or ironing), but we generally volunteered as it was all about working together.
Here's an idea of what our expectations are for our 13 year old,
Jobs:
Unpack the dishwasher every morning and put the things away
Clear the dinner table when asked - ie couple of times a week)
Do any other occasional jobs, when asked (these might be things like putting the bins out or bringing a load of washing in from the line).
She also sometimes prepares her own lunch and snacks when she's at home.
Expectations (ie not a job as such but relates to functioning as a human being)
Towels hung up
Put own clothes into laundry hamper
Put own clothes away into correct drawers/wardrobe (after it's washed, folded, ironed etc by a parent)
Bring correct books/implements home for homework, and complete homework/school work to the standard that relate to your own goals
Pick your own things up (in shared living areas) and put them away
Tidy bedroom & attend to own personal hygiene.
As you can see, most of that list is just basic functions of daily living, rather than "jobs". I try to discuss them in the context of how being tidy/organised will make her life easier.
To be honest, I'm not sure if this is a situation where a huge set of rules is going to work. If I were you, I would try to identify a few priorities and just concentrate on those. Basic respect and courtesy is right up there. If he's going to school every day (when he wasn't) then reinforcing that and starting to get some gains in his school work is a pretty high priority, IMO. But do it with some guidance. If he's struggling then the feelings of discomfort can be very strong. The counsellor should be able to help you with some strategies for him too. Remember to focus on the positives where you can. Plan pleasant family activities -esp when his dad is home. Spend some time and find out what things make him tick.
This won't necessarily become easy overnight, but having a few extra strategies to pull out when you need them will help you feel more confident in negotiating with him, and asserting yourself when you need to.
14 yo SS and pocket money
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