Argh, one extreme to the other, first I was asking too little and now too much!
I appreciate your honest feedback and god I would never make the kid collect all the dog poo!! I collect it every weekday morning, just not on Saturdays or Sundays!
They are all fair points, I guess my aim is to try and take away from his sense of entitlement, give him some responsibility and the desire to earn the money. I was using some of the ideas others had suggested above (deoderant and clothes) ie. paying him for work done, rather than just participating in the household but I do take your point and think that maybe the roster is a good idea and will show him that everyone has to pull their weight to some extent.
He has his own bathroom & toilet so perhaps he should only clean it once a fortnight and I can do the rest, is doing his own washing too much? Removing the comments re buying his own things- is the list of jobs excessive? Maybe we can sit down and negotiate the jobs he wants to do/ can do from a list of jobs and that way he has input?
Also Ms_fi, how would you recommend helping him to concentrate on studying? He has a tutor and I used to spend time with him each Sunday doing half an hour of maths as well. I think he needs more though- he spends the first 20 minutes whingeing that he doesn't need to do the extra work. I tried to help him study for his science test and we were doing revision for a couple of nights but I found out later that he had already done the test the week before and he hadn't told me. He ended up failing that test. Should I go through with him each night what he has learnt that day and just do some revision with him? Should I do it weekly? Or should I find resources on the internet/ books etc and make up my own little tutoring sessions?
Thanks everyone, such a steep learning curve and its so overwhelming! I am off to see a counsellor tomorrow to help me deal with a teenage step son and absent father so he might give me some more tips.
Last edited by shells79; January 31st, 2013 at 06:17 PM.
: bits about homework
When I was growing up it was always us kids' responsibility to do the night time dishes. We also each had a weekly household job to do on the weekend. Mine was the bathroom, my brother vacuuming and my little sister dusting (she was less than 10 at the time and determined to do something too). We were all responsible for keeping our rooms tidy, hanging up towels etc - it wasn't a 'job' just an expectation. I feel this was plenty - we also had homework and after school sports too. We would occasionally do other things (like cook dinner or ironing), but we generally volunteered as it was all about working together.
Here's an idea of what our expectations are for our 13 year old,
Jobs:
Unpack the dishwasher every morning and put the things away
Clear the dinner table when asked - ie couple of times a week)
Do any other occasional jobs, when asked (these might be things like putting the bins out or bringing a load of washing in from the line).
She also sometimes prepares her own lunch and snacks when she's at home.
Expectations (ie not a job as such but relates to functioning as a human being)
Towels hung up
Put own clothes into laundry hamper
Put own clothes away into correct drawers/wardrobe (after it's washed, folded, ironed etc by a parent)
Bring correct books/implements home for homework, and complete homework/school work to the standard that relate to your own goals
Pick your own things up (in shared living areas) and put them away
Tidy bedroom & attend to own personal hygiene.
As you can see, most of that list is just basic functions of daily living, rather than "jobs". I try to discuss them in the context of how being tidy/organised will make her life easier.
To be honest, I'm not sure if this is a situation where a huge set of rules is going to work. If I were you, I would try to identify a few priorities and just concentrate on those. Basic respect and courtesy is right up there. If he's going to school every day (when he wasn't) then reinforcing that and starting to get some gains in his school work is a pretty high priority, IMO. But do it with some guidance. If he's struggling then the feelings of discomfort can be very strong. The counsellor should be able to help you with some strategies for him too. Remember to focus on the positives where you can. Plan pleasant family activities -esp when his dad is home. Spend some time and find out what things make him tick.
This won't necessarily become easy overnight, but having a few extra strategies to pull out when you need them will help you feel more confident in negotiating with him, and asserting yourself when you need to.
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