Nutshell: Our DD is turning 16 this month. She has been away at boarding school this year and done very well socially and academically. We feel like rewarding her but we don't have much money ATM due to an impending interstate move. We agreed to letting her have a birthday party here at home. However without consulting us about the details she has taken it upon herself to set a date (it's the night I was going to go to a BB Christmas Dinner) and guest list (about 40 teens... her previous party had about 20 guests and the house felt full). And she has publicly posted this onto her FaceBook page on which she has over 1000 friends! Argggghhh!
Apparently she has just made it private again... but for some reason she prefers to have her FB page set at public.
Anyhow: how should I clamp down on all this? She deserves to be rewarded after doing so well at school: last year at her old school she failed pretty much everything... and now she gets good grades, usually in the top 5 girls in her class.
I just feel really taken for granted... I'm looking forward to her coming home... but I'm also dreading the high drama and the house being flooded by her friends who are still leading worrying lives (drugs/alcohol etc).
This is her house too... but I feel like I'm about to lose my sanctuary... and that my young boys are also going to have to deal with conflict/noise/and late nights being kept awake by their sister and friends. It's such a balancing act!
I think you're going to have to simply tell her that yes, she can have a party for her birthday, but there is a limit to how many people can come. Posting it on Facebook (especially if it's public) is asking for trouble. Remind her that it your house, your rules. Of course it's hers as well, but she doesn't pay for it, you and your dh do. Does she realise that by making her settings public, friends of friends can see what's happening. So with this party, friends of friends of friends will see it and could possibly turn up.
I saw your FB...
It's hard hey & I'd be annoyed too my love. However, even though she needs to be pulled up on respecting others - I would suggest that maybe she's just being ego centric which is quite normal (but not acceptable) for teenagers...
I hear you, I get you - but having a 15year old I know how completely Self centred they are without even realising it. Cuddles to you. xxx
40 ppl isn't that many for a teens party, sounds like she deserves to have a great night with all of her friends. Maybe you could move the party to somewhere else, it's only one night of no sleep
Oooh I disagree. 40 teenagers is a LOT... And if money is an issue (which it is for most) then moving it somewhere else will likely cost money. catering for 40-50 will be a big deal. So I totally get your concerns Bath. I don't think Babyluv the issue is having the party - just that she didn't discuss the details with her parents & that definitely is something that needs a talk... IMO
Gee, teenagers these days must have a lot more friends than what i did in school! i had maybe 15....? and thats over estimating.
I think 40 is too many to have a party at your house. 20 is reasonable but again pushing it. I think you should really have some ground rules. If you trust your daughter to behave herself and she has good judgement in her friends then go ahead with it.
As for posting it all over FB you have the potential to have gate crashers and the whole thing could be a complete disaster. I think you should tell her to remove the event off her FB and text/call the people she wants to come and leave it as that.
When i was her age i went to a few parties that got SO out of hand was supposed to be not many people and turned into hundreds.
Thanks for reading/replying I really don't like having family squabbles on FB... this is the first occasion we've had one.
Inanna: yep, pure ego-centricness. And the worst of it will be her outrage when we try to modify her plans... and then what my young boys witness. I guess all i can do is control my own reactions so that they witness calm in the face of outrage.
I know 40 teens doesn't sound like much... however having had house full of teens before it is... if you really want to keep it under control. No we can't move the party somewhere else... we don't have the $ to hire anywhere and we don't have anyone to help with our younger children. It has to be here. Like I said, we had 20 round for an Australia Day party and that was enough.
The thing is teens get restless... they move around a lot (unlike adults who tend to move slower as they mingle)... they like to come and go... meet up with friends down the street... bring them back... wander down the back lane... wander back in... leaving doors and gates open for my 4yo to slip through... they climb on furniture and they play rough with the pool table... they tie cans of drink to helium balloons and then play at floating them through your house. All in all having 40 teens over is like having 80 adults in terms of how "busy" it feels... plus they eat fast and LOTS!
ETA: sorry the phone rang... I missed a few replies... I agree Inanna... it does feel like too many.
Last edited by Bathsheba; November 30th, 2010 at 10:18 AM.
Nothing like a cuddle from DD after a hard day's work!
Oct 2007
in my own world
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i havent read the reply but how about suggesting her have a grown up sit down dinner
where everyone dresses up in ****tail dresses and gets "Adult" style 3 course meals.
THat way the idea might sound appealing to her and and she wont be able to seat 40 people on a table?
I love that idea M2OSB... but she has definite ideas and it's so hard to get her to agree to even minor changes. She can't see why we won't allow her friend to DJ for her (he is professional) but we are fairly certain that if we let a DJ take control then our neighbours will suffer! We also might sound like total wet blankets but we don't want imappropriate music to be played in our house (lots of swearing and references to b*tches and hoes) with my young boys listening... I really don't want my 4yo to be singing "Don't you diss me B*tch!!" for the rest of the school holidays... and that's the kind of music they are into these days. *sigh*
Advice: 16yo DD Taking "Liberties".
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