I was always doing it too. I don't regret any of it - and I know you have the energy & the compassion so you will do brilliantly
FWIW my mother almost died numerous times over from heart attacks within those 2 and a half years as well (ESPECIALLY initially!!!)
She's a different person to me though, so it will always be hard for others to understand things from your angle.. because they're not living from your angle
FWIW, I reckon you're doing absolutely the right thing.
One thing I read that has stuck in my mind is that what makes a defining difference in teenagers' lives is having someone who believes in them. If that can't be their parent(s) it is quite often someone from their extended family (like a grandparent), family friend, neighbour or mentor. Just someone who has their best interests at heart and will listen to them and offer support.
Yeah, Fi my sister said the same thing. One of her friends mums really made a difference to her when she was going through some crap. I was worried I wouldn't have the time nor resources to give D what she needs, but sis reckons it was just having someone there - and that I can do.
Yep. And you know what, I reckon having someone bothered about you who is NOT your blood relative is almost more powerful because they don't have to but obviously must think that you're worth it.
So good luck - I think you're wise to go with a trial first and see what happens. But it might work out a lot better than you first thought.
Ok, finally spoke to D directly. She is staying at a friends across the road from her dads and has been sneaking into the house when he is at work to get her things. He wouldn't let her stay in the bungalow out the back and threw out the older sis that was living there.
Apparently they went to see some rellies and had an argument in the car, the dad went on to tell all the rellies what a terrible kids she was and they were awful to her. She refused to talk to any of them, and was already refusing to talk to her dad since he hurt her on the way there. When they go home he hit her again so she ran across the road and has been there since. This was in November. She found somewhere else but that sounded terrible.
Her mum knows about everything but said D can't stay with her because she doesn't want to get involved. Hmmm. The mother lives around the corner from here now. I'm not terribly impressed, but at the end of the day I don't think living with the mum, her new BF and a possible drug issue is a good idea either.
She is coming over on Sunday so we can talk things through a bit, then we might start floating around some boundaries etc. She has had no money this entire time but has an appt with a Clink social worker at 9.30 Thursday so I will pick her up and take her there. I'll get every number available for help. It will be expected that she does attend whatever I can get her into.
Hmm, better start thinking about some rules. Got anything for me girls?
BTW I do have the unit out the back, but it needs a new door. I think I will have them both sleep in DD's room, but they can have the unit to hang out in, watch telly etc. The will need their own space and I can't have too many distractions when I'm doing the bedtime routine.
I don't know how much to ask D for board. I wish I didn't have to ask but I can't afford to feed another one! I only want to cover her food and maybe $5 a week for the electricity.
Rules is a hard one, you don't wanna be too over the top and make rules she can't possibly abide by or be more lenient on her than you are on your own kids. Would she be expected to help out iwth cleaning and cooking?
Maybe just explain to her that while she lives iwth you she'll be treated exactly the same as DD, all the rules that apply to DD apply to her as well. Work out whether she'll be returning to school or getting a job and make her stick to her decision to do either one of those.
I have no idea what to advise on board, I'm sure you can both come to an amicable agreement on that, but I do agree she should pay her way towards food and bills.
Board sounds like a great idea...gets her use to the 'real world' and having to deal with not getting everyting for nothing. That way to she will respect you more rather then give her free accomadations ect. Id say $50 a week babe...its fair, you'd probably be feeding her that much in food. Later when your DD is getting austudy Id probably introduce the same thing with board...even if yo jsut put it in a bank account for when she's 18..its a good way to start giving that little bit of responsability and slowly introducing then both to the real world
Go to a scalvage yard for a new door babe...or the trading post. you can get a cheap security door from bunnings for about $150 with lock. **** if we lived closer you could lend you jed so he could fix the little things up.
Id make one of the rules that they have to keep the bungalow clean and respectable. If they dont keep it clean then you keep it locked adn they arent permitted to go in there. Use it for your leverage babe. Id even chuck one night a fortnight babysitting in there too so you can get a break when you need it.
I agree, similar rules to your DD - but perhaps some different too. I'd really suggest a review every month or so, even with an independent person, where you can revise any rules that aren't working.
And agreeing to abide by your rules. She's not a completely separate renter, she's an honourary family member, which makes you honourary carer, which means she goes by your rules - curfews, chores, permissions. If she doesn't like the rule - she can suck it up until it's time to review or something..and then try to negotiate for something different.
I'm pretty tired, so hope they made sense. I really hope this works out for everyone Lu, because it's such a special thing you're doing.
rules - she helps with normal "chores" - set up a schedule for her and DD - if she's going to be living as a member of your family, she nees to respect that.
$50 a week in board is reasonable - with DD being 16, that's about the amount of FTB you'd be getting for her - so i guess you could say "look, i could claim you as a dependent under FTB while you're living with me, or we can get you independent status, but you'll pay the equiv in board"
if she doesn't pull her weight chores wise, board goes up accordingly. as has been said, she's essentially coming into the house as an honarary family member - she should respect that.
if she's not going to school, she meets all obligations for youth job seeker - she spends at least x number of days per week (maybe 2) full on pounding the pavement looking for work.
if you drive her any where for appointments - she foots the fuel bill - you're not made of money, and if she doesn't want to public transport it, she foots the bill.
she can't mess with your DD's schooling - when school goes back, if she's still living there - she will have to respect that DD has homework, and remove herself from the area until DD has finished it - if this means she watches TV in the bungalow while DD works, so be it - it will be incentive for your DD to stay on top of her game
make her have the same curfew and rules as DD - and if she breaks them, make sure there are serious punishments that she knows in advance. as essentially her guardian, you need to make sure that every action has an appropriate reaction
if she plays the "you're not my mum" or equally annoying cards when you enforce rules, let it be known that you'll only take it once - then you'll be on the phone looking for alternate accommodation for her
alcohol rules apply to her as well as DD
if she runs up bills (internet or phone) - she pays them
ummmm, damn, i can't think what else! i had a friend (15) that was going to move in with me a few years back in similar circs - we sat down and had a huuuuuuge talk about rules and expectations - she thought it would be a chill out session away from her parents. i set out what would be expected of her, and made it clear that i wouldn't take any disrespectful crap (i had known her since she was born, knew how obnoxious she could be, but also knew she was growing up and her parents weren't respecting her as an adult - i'd btdt myself). in the end, she talked it through with her folks, and they changed their rules a bit to treat her more "adult" while still having rules so it didn't happen - but we were ready to write up a boarders agreement....
When i was 18 a friend of my little bro's, A, who was 16 at the time was in a bit of strife. Unsupportive family, abusive bf etc. My mum took her in under our roof and she lived in my room with me. She was there 4 months and then i moved out with a BF and she had my room to herself for another 6 months. It worked out really well, my Dad has alot of rules and regulations and A just fitted right into these. Infact she showed me up, helping out with all the cleaning and making me have to pull my finger out! lol
She had finished yr10 and wanted to get a hairdressing apprenticeship, she stayed with mum and dad until she was back on her feet, got some self confidence back, found work and could afford a little place of her own. She never finished her apprenticship, not her thing, but she did find work and got herself sorted. She is a very happy almost 30 year old and still like my other little sister and 4th child in the family.
I know this sounds a little like a fairy tale, but in all honesty she bought more to our family than we would have imagined. Definately more good times than bad in my memory banks anyway.
I'm just starting to think about the practical stuff. She will need drawers, washing basket, doona etc. Better start combing St Vinnies for the drawers etc.
hun it might mean a trip down here (shock horror) - but we have some furniture i'm sure we can give up. no bed at this point, but we do have drawers that have been earmarked for the shed cos we have no other use for them (and they're not NEEDED in the shed). ummm we have an old book case that prolly just needs a coat of paint (if i can get DH to empty his crap outta it). can't think what else but i'm sure it will come to me if you let me know what you need... have a heap of single bed (i think) flanelette sheets sitting in a box to go to st vinnies as well. no doonas that we could part with, but maybe a couple of bean bags (not sure if DH is set on keeping them or not - they live on the top bunk at the moment - but might see more use once gremlin arrives)
i have an armchair and couch you can have lulu if you want it for that back room. It has some horrid floral material but nothing a sheet wouldn't cover up! It is a solid timber frame, it is a decent quality couch just a bit ugly! It is begging for a new home, be happy to get rid of it. Yours if you want it and i'll even deliver!
Registered User
Lulu - we can go on this ride together, because I'm right where you are at - but its my niece.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks