hun - just wanted to let you know, that I soooooooooo know where you are coming from. I'm in a very similar situation right now (read my blog for all the details if your interested) I can't say do it, or not do it... whatever decision you make it, its a HUGE one. there is some really good advice on here though.
oh hun. see centrelink, living away from home youth allowance will at least cover essentials(well, sort of) and because this girl has been hit, there is all the chance DoCS or the local youth refuge will step in. see your women's health centre too, or the police, hell hit all bases. Lulu, good on you for taking her in!!!
OK. I am going to be honest. I wouldn't do it. Help her get on her feet yes, but take her in, no. I don't think it would help the situation with Bella at all. I think because of the way she has been in the past to you with her attitude that she will grow resentful of D - especially if you two do have a good relationship and she gets in and does what you ask of her around the house and you wont be able to help yourself in showing how much you love that kwim? I can see jealousy issues because of it because I think Bella could see it that you are doing all this running around after D and not her and I don't think she will make that connection that it could have just as easily have been her in D's shoes and appreciate just how good she does have it.
By all means let her know that you can support her emotionally and take her to organisations and get her help, but I can't see a living arrangement working out for the best. Not when you have 2 little ones who need you and when there is a bad family situation for this girl. Can you guarantee that the father will cause you no troubles? If he is a douchebag like you say he is then he could be likely to cause trouble just because he can. My Mum was in a similar situation with her cousin's son - she took him in, even got registered as his foster carer so she got $$ etc and it didn't work because his father kept interferring and making trouble. He made it very clear he didn't want his son back, but he just wanted to cause trouble. And what of the younger siblings she has? What is the situation like for them?
You have a heart of gold hun, and I love you for that.
As for the money situation (if you go ahead with taking D in)....I have found in my situation my DD would only be approved for "living away from home" rate of youth allowance if BOTH parents refused to take her back home. We both said she could stay with us at any time (as you know, she ran away...not kicked out). Even though she has had no contact with her father in years and he is now living in another state, they still took him into consideration. I think she can still claim basic youth allowance, but as she is under 18 the rate still goes on what DH and I earn even though she is not living here.
Having said that, because in D's situation drugs and violence are involved it could be a whole different story.
given the violence of the situation, all she'd have to do is make an appt with social worker and she'd get independent rate of youth allowance (been there done that when my dad was beating me and i moved interstate for uni to get away from him).
Lulu - whatever you decide, always know you have a whole "family" on BB that will support you. if you decide to take her in, we're here to help you with whatever advice you need - if you decide not to, we'll help with whatever suggestions we can in relation to support services for you - and with dealing with your DD's resentment (which you're bound to cop) when you don't take her in. just make sure you think it through (two weeks isn't long), and work out what decision is going to be in the best interests of ALL of you, not just D
hugs hun - you're a legend just to contemplate it - no one will think less of you if you decide not to go ahead with it - at least you've given it thought - so many people would say "no" without a second thought
As a parent of a DD16 who has just up and left home, I am finding this a painfull subject, but interesting!!!! From the other end I would say don't do it, in our case she decide to leave but we are finding it distressing and frustrating, that someone is facilitateing her. The fact that the family where she has gone is trying to get her classed as homeless and already getting her to fill in forms to get $$$$ and it has only been a few days since she left I think we are rational people, the girls father doesnt sound like he is, I reckon there is a good chance he will make trouble, especially when trouble lands on his doorstep (police, social services etc). Also she is his meal ticket??? I really don't know?????????????????? I guess you do what you think is right and perhaps put other things into place JIC.
What a tricky situation Lu. What does Bella think?
I used to work with youth, and housing can be difficult, it's in high demand, especially around Christmas. Still, to get her calling a few different places in the area, would be a good start.
And if you do decide to take her in, a contract is a great idea, she needs a job or TAFE training if she's not going to be at school. Perhaps someone outside the situation, a youth worker or something to work alongside her, and you taking some special weekly time with Bella too.
If there's anything I can do to help, let me know mate. I seriously seriously mean that.
Pam, she has been out of home for a few months already, I'm not facilitating anything but I do know exactly why you say that. I'd p!ss me off from your end too, but the father hit her, then threatened to call the police if she came near (!) the house when she pleaded to come home a few weeks ago.
I'm now very, very unsure since my DD got all smart with me again today. I said she would have to call D and let her know she wasn't able to stay since there was no way I was coping with 2 teens. I WAS leaning towards giving her a month or two here. I've just taken her telly off her and she gets NO privileges until she picks up her game again.
I'll keep mulling it over, you girls have brought up some excellent points but I won't be discussing it will DD at all until....
Pam - you only need do what Marlene did and let Clink know she has NOT been kicked out of home, some people do think taking in the kid is a way to get more $$$...
Thanks Lulu and Marlene, sorry about the hi-jacked thread I will be letting Centrelink know. Definately someone in her ear, because the day she left I got a phone call from the school saying that she was at Centrelink, so had been planned me thinks.
Re: your issue I think help her but not worth the chance that your DD goes of the rails. Maybe a very short stay, that everyone is aware of the time frame, perhaps just over Chrismas/ New year when it would be very difficult to get help....
Its such a tricky situation and you are so lovely to consider it. From my perspective of having fostered with younger children I would not consider it. Its lovely that your dd's friend has you but to bring her into your home to live with two little children could be exceptionally challenging. Two teens with attitude..i just dont know! I hope you come to a decision that best suits you all
D actually has no attitude. She is respectful, shy and patient with the little ones. I have a semi-self contained unit in my backyard, so they would have their own space (depending on the rules etc). D has 2 older and 3 younger siblings so is used to the circus atmosphere...
I really think that you'd have to discuss and agree on everything first, like ways you'll manage disputes and other things - discuss who is the boss for each thing.
That's why I think it'd be valuable to involve an outside person - when I lived/worked in a respite house for youth, a youth worker would come for a meeting every so often and discuss how things were going - so if we were at an impasse on an issue, we had a fair and objective person around.
Yeah, I'm going to call EACH, they are pretty good. D is going to need more than a roof over her head for awhile and I'm not qualified enough for that.
I spoke to my sis that knows D, and she has a feeling that it could be good for both the girls...
Ok, so my post will just not help at all.. probably only confuse you, but here goes
When I first left ExDH, I moved away - sold my music school & so all of my students got a new teacher.
There were a few girls that were doing their HSC in the middle of my life being turned upside down, and becuase I'd been teaching them for years, I didn't have the heart to pass them on to a new teacher so close to them finishing.. so once a month, I would drive back up there & spend the weekend giving them lessons.
One weekend, I drove up there & got to one girls house about an hour early - when I walked in (front door was open but she wasn't answering) - I found her under the kitchen table rolled up in a ball with bruises all over her and in a mess of tears.
Her boyfriend had just been there & beaten her... and her mum was outside HANGING WASHING ON THE LINE
I'd had suspicions for months that something was going on, but however subtly raising it with her, could never get anything from her.
The usual signs were there, though.. and there were bruises always
I basically told her there would be no piano lesson that day, but to go into her room and pack a few things, she was coming with me.
I rang DH, explained the situation to him (he's used to me & my Mother Theresa habits ) - and then told her mum she was coming to stay with me for a few days.
Her mum shrugged her shoulders and so we left.
On the Monday, I rang her school, told her where she was going to be for (what I thought would be) a few weeks, organised to get her school work faxed/sent to us.
Also rang the police & organised an AVO, etc on the boyfriend.
Basically to get to the point - I took her in for what I thought would be a little while to get her organised - I couldn't see anything at the time than to take her out of a desperate situation.
I didn't think of how it would effect the dynamics of the household, or the sacrifice that both Luke & DH had to make welcoming a teenage girl that they didn't know (and obviously with serious issues) into our home.
She ended up living with us for 2 and a half years!
In that time, she sat her HSC, got some work experience waitressing for us - I then helped her get a job in a pie shop... and in between taught her how to cook, clean, respect herself and how to be part of a family.
She took it all on - DH also taught her how to drive.
It was a big step for us - and I'm proud to say an amazing opportunity for her to make something of her life.
She now lives in a little flat on her own, works in a pharmacy and is studying nursing in North Sydney.
We don't have much to do with her now - her mum became a real problem in the last few months she was with us (she became jealous of our relationship with her and all of a sudden wanted to be a mum again).. and things got fairly messy at the end.
DH & I moved her into her own place when she was ready, though - we just don't see her much now, because her mum is always around, and I just don't have the time or inclination to go there with her
I am immensely proud of what we did for her - I know she would never be where she is now if it wasn't for us.
It was a HUGE sacrifice - and we were lucky that it worked for us.
I've watched other people do similar things, and it hasn't worked out.. but in your favour, Lu, you know the girl really well so that helps
Our situations are different - she was never going to effect Luke, where as you have that option to way up as far as how this situation will effect Bella.
I also had a husband - another adult who helped me out - there is NO WAY I could've done it on my own.
You need to think about yourself here, too and your reality.. can you do this on your own hun?
I don't for a second, ever second guess what I chose to do - but at the same time, I don't think I would do it again.
I think its a chapter that you can learn from, but you have to be sure of your reality first if that makes sense?
Lots of love & hugs to you - I know you'll make the right decision... you're amazing, Lu
Yeah, good. DD and I have the occasional hissy fit but she is doing her chores and working heaps of hours so it balances itself out.
I'm going to contact the local support services today, and get D over here to discuss everything. I think I'll take her on for a month or so to start. I spoke to my mum before and she was horrified about the situation. We have known D so long and the situation has sucked for a couple of years before this, its not fair.
I need to know D is ok, she needs someone to care about her and give a crap. I do, she's my second teen daughter and she's coming to live with me.
ETA - thanks for that Holly, its good to get some more perspective. I'm sure it won't be a cakewalk but the alternative can't really be considered....and I know you know what I mean!
Last edited by Lulu; December 12th, 2008 at 08:22 AM.
Registered User
I think we are rational people, the girls father doesnt sound like he is, I reckon there is a good chance he will make trouble, especially when trouble lands on his doorstep (police, social services etc). Also she is his meal ticket??? I really don't know?????????????????? I guess you do what you think is right and perhaps put other things into place JIC.
I will be letting Centrelink know. Definately someone in her ear, because the day she left I got a phone call from the school saying that she was at Centrelink, so had been planned me thinks.
contract and combine the 2 contracts together ...(i like how you think BG)
and so we left.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks