Dylan got himself in to some real trouble here with me, so his wonderful father conned him in to moving to WA with him. He went with promises of all these gifts, a phone, his own pc, ipod etc. So Dylan moved to WA. The first week when I spoke to him, he was really happy, then he started to be reserved. No phone yet, infact no nothing, his father would go to the pub on pay day & spent all his wage, Finally the last straw for Dylan was starting a new school, I spoke to him the day before & he was a bit excited. That night he called & he was devastated, begging to come home all the kids at the school flat out ignored him, then his wonderful father abused the living beep out of him. So his father has had enough of him, he cant deal with him, or get Dylan to do anything, had enough, pack him up & send him off ...... which I am ever so happy for . But poor Dylan, he ran from his trouble here, went to WA for a better life & got the stone cold truth. He is gonna be so emotional when he gets home & apart from fixing up all his norty doings here I also have to sort out his fathers mess. I'm not sure I know how to Dylan has had such an eye opener by going I hope he is more respectful when he comes back. I just cant believe the poor kid has had to deal with over there, he has always been a mumma's boy & he has had to deal with it all with out me there grrrrr. ( I know it probably would have taught him a good lesson, but it's so harsh)
anyway more of a whinge then anything else, if you managed to read it thank you & how do I handle the whole situation?? Does he still get punished for his doings before he went, we will have to lay down a new set of ground rules too, or do I let it all slide because of what he went through? URGH it's so hard.
Awww Jo its a hard one. Without knowing the exact details of the strife that he was in before he left its hard to say....but I would be tempted to set some ground rules but then start off with a clean slate. He has been through alot, and hopefully this will be a real eye opener for him. Now that there are no other options (bio dad) his behaviour might just have to change. Best of luck to you
I hope so Jo, I think new rules & wipe the slate, but he was getting drunk & smoking ( not cigarettes either) & he went to a man whose first priorities are drugs & alcohol it's so hard, & I know how much crap he would have put up with over there, so I imagine he will appreciate "here" more.
I had a friend go through a similar experience with her estranged father. I know it took a very long time for her to be able to come to grips with what happened.
I think you should be firm but gentle at the same time. It sounds like he has had such a hard time with his dad and he could be very emotional.
While I dont know the full story, I would be punishing him for two reasons:
1. It will be a lesson to him that he cant just run away from his problems
2. He will realise that his actions incur consequences and they need to be dealt with
In saying that, maybe his time with his father may have been punishment enough. But I definitely think new ground rules are the way to go.
Storm I would highly recommend a counselling session, or at least get a hold of Steve Biddolph's "Raising Boys" book. Your son may suffer in ways that you might not see. He really needs some positive male role models at this time of his life. What you have described just sounds so tradgic! Please let us know how things go. When does he get back?
I went to see Steve at Qhill High a few years back, excellent!!He will be back at the end of the week, I haven't been given a day yet, so I need to work out my plan by then, it's so hard, I am just so happy to have him back, that I could just let it all go, but there is no way will I allow things to be the way they were before he left, he was a nightmare. A feral teenager with no respect for me, rules, his siblings, swearing, waging school, drinking smoking, sneaking out at night, the list goes on.
Sounds like a real hard time hun. I don't think I'd be punishing either, but if it were my son I'd be setting some severe boundaries that he has to stick to till he can prove he's trustworthy again. But I havne't had teenagers yet, and I'd imagine that's easier said than done.
How does your DH handle his behaviour? How long has your DH been in Dylan's life?
Storm,
Sounds as though you and Dylan have had a really rough time of it lately.
Hugs to you.
It's hard when you love someone so much to see them hurt and have to learn a life lesson.
Thinking of you as you go through this time
He tries to be firm, but Dylan just yells at him, (his father has alot to do with this he told the kids years ago, that they don't have to listen to him) but DH has been around since Dylan was 4 years old.
Plus DH sets stupid punishments & never sticks to it,which is something he has been told to fix, cos it proves nothing that way. The kids get grounded "til christmas" then let off in a week.It doesn't give him a good hold over them, cos he changes it all the time, I have tried to tell him, maybe this time he will.
I would go with the previous advice of new harder ground rules but clean slate, although i haven't experienced older kids yet so don't really know. Just wanted to say i'm so glad you're getting your boy back as i know how upset you were when you found out he was going. Hopefully the experience has shown him how good he's got it at home and not to stuff it up again.
Good luck
We are experiencing the first 'taste' of the trials of teens... and I have to say it's as hard as they say... and our DD is no where near as rebellious It really gets kinda frightening when you know that they have the power to just turn on their heels and walk out the door if they don't like what you are telling them to do. My DD hasn't actually done this yet... but it's only a matter of time...
Somehow you have to prove to them that you do actually have thier best interests at heart. You have to gain their trust. you have to tell them you love them even when you are angry. This is so hard. When they were children they would do bad things but you would get over it yourself relatively quickly... nowdays, I find that I am angry longer and it takes more for me to swallow my pride and tell her that I love her despite the fact that she is being the rudest little b*tch at the time. You have to draw the strength from somewhere each night to give them a kiss on the cheek as they go to sleep... however I think that if you can manage this (not let them go to bed angry) it will seep into their subconsciousness during the night that you do love them and they will more likely wake up with a better attitude. Good luck!
Hey storm.. your poor Dylan. It would be hard for both of you im sure. Not knowing what he did before he left or what his personality is like, but i guess i would try and sit down with him and just have a good chat. Ask him how his father made him feel, then explain to him how he made you feel when he did what he did before he left. I guess let him know that you are giving him a second chance, but also let him know the ground rules and try and explain why it is you need to set these rules. And most importantly that you love him. That he is still your little boy and his brothers and sisters need a big brother around and how important he is to them.
I hope things work out for you Storm and it has given him a shake up to realise that what he did before was just silly and not called for.
All the best hun, im glad you little boy is coming home.
Oh Thanks so much everybody!!
I think I will stick to the new rules, clean slate theory.
We always kiss goodnight, even when he has been in the **** & I always tell him I love you, or just luv ya.
I can't wait for him to come home, but I am not looking forward to it either IYKWIM.
Reply With Quote
Registered User
Dylan......
Dylan has had such an eye opener by going I hope he is more respectful when he comes back. I just cant believe the poor kid has had to deal with over there, he has always been a mumma's boy & he has had to deal with it all with out me there grrrrr. ( I know it probably would have taught him a good lesson, but it's so harsh)
Bookmarks