Is This Fair Or Sour Grapes?

[fionas]

Thanks Bath - as always, you're spot on. Different day, clearer focus and I'll concentrate on the REAL issue that needs addressing which is slightly different to this one. May need to start a new thread for that one though .

[Fleur]

Sour grapes? that might be a bit harsh on yourself I think...

TBH I do think perhaps your decision at this point might be clouded by your emotions & feelings on it? (Don't know if that makes sense) but heaven knows I have made similar calls with my DD.

I think Bath has great advice - stick with your decision but be clear with your friend & DSD about why it is.

And ITA with Dianne - I reserve the right to change my mind on decisions I make based on what happens in the meantime. We have been over & over this with DD - if I agree that you can go somewhere & then I find out there is no parental supervision (for example) I will change my mind.
So then looking at your situation in that context I would see it as fair, as long as everyone understands why it is that way.

I really feel for you and wish you all the best with your DSD

ETA -

Also raising teenage daughters is so very tricky. Like you said: sometimes you just want to let the dust settle... their emotions truely do rule the entire household... so much more so than a small child's does. I don't blame you for waiting until a particular issue arose before dealing with it.

Argg! Sooo true!

[diannescruffy]

Sorry but in Fiona's defence I am quite shocked at Sleepyljm's reply. If your child was being babysat by a 16yr old and she left your child with a 96yr old lady how would you feel. How is a 96yr old supposed to chase around a 2yr old child, I can tell you now that I would not allow my 16yr old to babysit again until she can prove herself to be responsible, it would be very irresponsible of me to allow her to babysit again, especially someone elses child. This is family and DSD needs to put her family before her friends. My eldest is nearly 15 and has many times looked after the younger children for a short amount of time as we do not have family or babysitters and if he has already had plans he will ring his mates and let them know that he will meet up afterwards without any complaints. Maybe in 15yrs or so when you have your own teenagers you will see this very differently.

Regards,
Dianne

[Lulu]

Fi. I think your friend is a bit of an idiot personally...

If she knows the story of what SDD did and STILL wants her to care for her child.....AND if she never calls you except if she wants something I'd be annoyed too.

I'd feel weird for a few reasons. I'd be worried that SDD would do something silly again, and lets face it...what she did last time was terrible and I really feel for you, because no matter what I know you would have felt some sort of responsibility there.

I think what gets you (and it would me) is that it would be nice if SDD could have learnt something about trust here. Like, yes babysitting could have been a nice earner for you dear, but because you stuffed it up so badly no one will trust you. Then some dork comes in a buggers up the lesson.

Never mind the bollocks Fi xoxoxo

[fionas]

Thanks for getting defensive on my behalf Dianne - I disagree with what sj said but decided to let it wash over me. It was very sweet that you fought my battle for me

Lulu, nail, head - again. The underlying issue is that I'm peed off with my friend about a number of things, not just this. In a nutshell, she knows I'm doing it tough on a number of fronts at the moment. I haven't expected her to be a mindreader, I've been very explicit that I AM struggling. She lives up the road, there've been no phone calls to see how I'm doing, one line responses to group emails where I've expressed frustration with being housebound with a bright and breezy "take it easy" and to top it off calls me to ask for DSD's help. This is from someone who I'VE babysat for, not just DSD - she hasn't once reciprocated when now I really need it.

What s***s me is that I've had more moral support from people that I barely know in my MG AND have never met on here as well as offers of practical help, than I have had from my friends (this one inparticular) who keep telling me they are my best buddies when we go on Girls Weekends Away. They make me feel like I'm a whinger and/or high maintenance and honestly, I don't reckon I am. I HAVE banged on about the pelvic instability on here A LOT because I don't get IRL support from people who are supposedly my closest friends and you guys make me feel better. If I whinge about being housebound and my partner working stupid shifts, I get an instant "that sounds tricky". If I do that to my friends, I get the third degree and am almost expected to recite his roster for the entire year to see whether I'm making it up. Geez, I'm allowed to whinge now and again aren't I? Anyhow, just blurted what I was going to start another thread about.

[sleepyljm]

Dianne: I just think it is silly that she gave the decision to her friend and than took it back.. She is harbouring resentment and I do not think that is healthy. Yes, DSD did make a mistake, it was 3 months ago. I find it hard to believe that it would be without warning that she would drop them off to a 96yo? Why did she do it in the first place? Of course this is grounds to be angry but to be honest the father should be the one to take discplinary action.

I am also a firm believer that kids are kids and need to act accordingly.. I do not think it is fair for them to drop their plans, sports etc to help out i mean every now and then it is okay but not all the time. I believe that looking after a toddler or baby is not a chore like doing the dishes...

I am speaking from experience as my childhood and teenage years was spent looking after my half baby sister and brother. All that was pointed out was the negatives.. etc.. When i read this post it reminded me of my step mother..

It is not fair to say "in 15 years" you can comment.. I have a baby now and i know that he is mine and hubby responsibilty so we would work it out between us. As we have no family around and even if we did it would be when they are free i would never expect them to drop there plans to come look after my son I just don't think that is fair. I have been sick on a number of occasions had to organise DH to come home from work and occasional care.

[fionas]

sj - please read my last post. I've pointed out that, on reflection, what I originally posted is not the main issue. If you want to start a thread about what can reasonably be expected of teenage siblings, then go right ahead.

[diannescruffy]

Yes, she did make a mistake and why, to go out with her friends, how is that responsible? She is 16 and should know better. I honestly don't think Fiona has her babysitting all the time. When you have no one around and need help there is nothing wrong with having your teenager babysit their siblings, it is a learning experience for them and teaches them responsibility if they can show it. All I meant by the 15rys time comment was that it is very hard raising a teenager, nothing like raising babies and younger children, it really is hard work.

Regards,
Dianne

[Lulu]

sj, you are making some pretty big assumptions here. It's not like Fi loads her sdd with all the responsibility of caring for her child. To get some background you can always search the posts to do with this subject...

Experiences from BEING a teenager are FAR differnet from parenting a teenager. I still remember swearing I'd never make my kids do homework

[sleepyljm]

No i do not think her actions were responsible at all, were they out of character? I dont know. It is fine for teenages to 'help out' that is what it is-helping. Therefore when they do a good job gratitude should be shown. Of course teenagers are heard to raise they are very emotional and fast actioning people thus when punishments occur they should stick. It is not fair saying okay you can babysit for her but not for me and then change your mind. This just adds fuel to a fire and i dont think thats fair.

[fionas]

I wasn't going to waste energy trying to set the record straight but now I can't bloody help it. We certainly do not ask DSD to babysit all the time. Very rarely infact. She did do it in school holidays more regularly than normal because it meant that we didn't have to pay for an in-home carer. We made sure it was only for a couple of hours a couple of times a week AND she was told at the start of the week what days it was AND got paid for it. That was in school holidays where it seemed stupid to pay for an in-home carer when there was a 4-hour minimum booking and we only sometimes needed a couple of hours and DSD was at home anyway.

Ordinarily, outside school holidays, she is NEVER asked to babysit during the day or on weekends. We occasionally put DD to bed on a school night and leave the two of them home and go to the end of the street for a couple of drinks. We are literally a two minute walk away. DSD is not expected to do anything because we've already put DD to bed, except stay home which she would be doing anyway on a school night. We HAVE done this since the last incident and we phone every 15 minutes to make sure she's still here.

[Marlene]

Fiona, I know exactly what you are going through!!! Pregnant (although I didn't have the pelvic thing) with a "not so nice" 16 year old. All I can say is hang in there babe and offer you a and a shoulder. I think it is very, very hard for people who have not had to raise a teenager to understand your situation and how fragile the relationship with a teen can be. If you ever want to chat please feel free to PM me.

ETA: I also want to add that I didn't trust my teen DD to babysit, so I know where you're coming from. Oh, and now she's UTD, so she could have used the practice, lol

[fionas]

Thanks Marlene - very funny about needing the practice

But my angst about this really is more frustration with my friend over other issues than with DSD or this issue inparticular. I should have thought it through a bit more before posting and rephrased it along the lines of "how d'you deal with a friend(s) who you think are unsupportive." I just got sidetracked with the babysitting thing when there's been bigger issues brewing with this friend for some time. But not to worry, I think I've figured out what to do about that one.

Good luck with your DD, I hope everything is reasonably well. I'm not on BB as much as I used to be so haven't read the latest for a while but hope everything's OK.

[Phteven]

I don't really think that you need to justify asking your SD to babysit Fiona - it's what families do. They help each other out and contibute to the household in whatever way is most appropriate.
I think that it sucks that your friend asked your SD to babysit even after hearing that she let you down. I expect my friends to back up my parenting choices - if they disagree they can talk about it with me while the children are out of earshot but in the meantime they can just refrain from undermining me.

[fionas]

Thanks for the hugs Onyx but I've explained about four times now that this wasn't really about the babysitting issue.

[Phteven]

Yeah, I get that Fiona. I was more concerned about her undermining your parenting and TBH about 6 replies arrived between me writing my post and hitting submit.
Anyways....good luck with it all.

[Toomanytoomany]

The thing is, I haven't told DSD that she's banned from looking after other people's kids so there's no real lesson learnt there. I should but there's just been too much going on and there didn't seem any point adding fuel to the fire when it hadn't cropped up before now IYKWIM. Things are quite topsy turvy, DSD is talking about moving out as she doesn't think I want her around and I wanted to discuss all this in family counselling but our appointments have been interrupted by DSD's Easter trip home to the US.

I guess I'm more peed off with my friend for even asking when she knows about how we don't trust DSD AND she knows that this makes life difficult for us.

At sixteen, I don't think I'd be banning her from babysitting other people's kids (for a start, it's good experience in being responsible and keeps her in pocket money that you don't have to give her!) but I'd certainly tell people who asked you that you have found her unreliable and untrustworthy. I suspect her offers would dry up pretty quickly! She needs to learn that reputation is important to protect.

I think too that you need to make sure she bears some consequences for not being more supportive at home. Make sure you aren't doing her any favours that you absolutely don't have to: "I'd love to help you out but I am so tired from not getting any assistance from you that I just can't."

From experience, she's at a difficult age to be welcoming a new sibling. At that age they can often regress and start acting up more. There's something very confronting about your mother having another baby when you're just about grown up. I saw a lot of that in my two eldest when they were that age and expecting younger sibs.

Sixteen is such a hard age. They want to be all grown up and independent, but at their very core they know they still need their parents, and they resent that like hell, whilst still expecting you to take care of them like you did when they were little! No real advice on that score except to say, keeping the lines of communication open, being consistent with your boundaries and consequences, and always being prepared to have a laugh will make sure that this will pass as quickly as possible. I was ready to heave my sixteen year old out in the street... nearly three years later and the thought of her moving out makes me weep!