Is This Fair Or Sour Grapes?

[fionas]

OK, so we had an incident a couple of months ago where 16-year-old DSD was meant to be babysitting DD for a couple of hours during the day. It all ended in disaster with DSD going out for coffee with a friend and manipulating our 96-year-old next door neighbour into babysitting DD.

So since then we haven't trusted DSD to babysit DD.

DSD also used to babysit a friend of mine's kids. I initially explained what had happened to my friend and said it was up to her whether she wanted to continue to use her.

I guess in the meantime, I've become incredibly frustrated that we can't, or rather I won't, ask DSD to babysit DD. This makes life difficult in that this pregnancy has left me very immobile with pelvic instability. I can't walk very far and have been housebound for the last 11 weeks and will be for the remainder of the pregnancy. DP has worked 13 out of the last 16 weekends. In normal circumstances, I could ask DSD to take DD to the park for an hour so that she gets to run around and I get a break. But I just don't trust DSD. She's just as likely to take her around to a friend's house and shove her in front of the TV.

Anyhow, that's not my issue.

The same friend called me yesterday. I missed her call and she emailed me today saying that she was after DSD for babysitting but she'd found someone else so not to worry.

I'm probably also peed off that this friend only phones me when she wants something, I offered her my place during the day when she was renovating and there have been no reciprocal offers even though we were living with two square metres of living space for five months plus she also knows that I'm housebound but has not once offered to take DD to the park with her two kids.

So I sent her a note asking her not to offer DSD any more babysitting because I don't see why DSD should be able to earn money babysitting elsewhere at a time when we really need her help here but feel that we can't trust her.

D'you think that's fair or d'you think it's just sour grapes on my part. Obviously there's sour grapes involved too but I think it's fair enough to deny DSD a source of income for babysitting when she can't be trusted here.

Sorry it's so long

[diannescruffy]

Sounds very fair to me. She needs to earn your trust back and be helping out in her family before helping others to earn money. Good luck with everything .

Regards,
Dianne

[feeb]

Sounds fair to me, I dont see why she should be paid to look after someone elses kids when she cant look after her own half sister.

[Tinks]

I think it's fair too. If she was in the workforce and did something like that she'd be fired. it's a good lesson you're teaching her Fiona.

[fionas]

The thing is, I haven't told DSD that she's banned from looking after other people's kids so there's no real lesson learnt there. I should but there's just been too much going on and there didn't seem any point adding fuel to the fire when it hadn't cropped up before now IYKWIM. Things are quite topsy turvy, DSD is talking about moving out as she doesn't think I want her around and I wanted to discuss all this in family counselling but our appointments have been interrupted by DSD's Easter trip home to the US.

I guess I'm more peed off with my friend for even asking when she knows about how we don't trust DSD AND she knows that this makes life difficult for us.

[Toomanytoomany]

The thing is, I haven't told DSD that she's banned from looking after other people's kids so there's no real lesson learnt there. I should but there's just been too much going on and there didn't seem any point adding fuel to the fire when it hadn't cropped up before now IYKWIM. Things are quite topsy turvy, DSD is talking about moving out as she doesn't think I want her around and I wanted to discuss all this in family counselling but our appointments have been interrupted by DSD's Easter trip home to the US.

I guess I'm more peed off with my friend for even asking when she knows about how we don't trust DSD AND she knows that this makes life difficult for us.

At sixteen, I don't think I'd be banning her from babysitting other people's kids (for a start, it's good experience in being responsible and keeps her in pocket money that you don't have to give her!) but I'd certainly tell people who asked you that you have found her unreliable and untrustworthy. I suspect her offers would dry up pretty quickly! She needs to learn that reputation is important to protect.

I think too that you need to make sure she bears some consequences for not being more supportive at home. Make sure you aren't doing her any favours that you absolutely don't have to: "I'd love to help you out but I am so tired from not getting any assistance from you that I just can't."

From experience, she's at a difficult age to be welcoming a new sibling. At that age they can often regress and start acting up more. There's something very confronting about your mother having another baby when you're just about grown up. I saw a lot of that in my two eldest when they were that age and expecting younger sibs.

Sixteen is such a hard age. They want to be all grown up and independent, but at their very core they know they still need their parents, and they resent that like hell, whilst still expecting you to take care of them like you did when they were little! No real advice on that score except to say, keeping the lines of communication open, being consistent with your boundaries and consequences, and always being prepared to have a laugh will make sure that this will pass as quickly as possible. I was ready to heave my sixteen year old out in the street... nearly three years later and the thought of her moving out makes me weep!

[LimeSlice]

I think it's fair too. If she was in the workforce and did something like that she'd be fired. it's a good lesson you're teaching her Fiona.

...If she is actually teaching the lesson...

I don't have teenagers, so feel free to ignore me! lol But honestly, sounds to me like you are upset and angry and personally I don't like the way you said to your friend when the incident happen that it was "her decision to use DSD again or not" and now you are asking her not to outright.
Your trust issues are not your friends issues to be had or carried. You need to address them with DSD. If you are simply preventing her from working for anyone else because you have issues, I think it send the wrong message to DSD - especially if you haven't informed her you have asked your friend not to ask her to babysit until you feel she can be trusted again.


Appears you need to talk to your friend and work out those issues and work on keeping those issues form your DSD's trust issues iykwim.
Must be tough for you at the moment, I hope DSD will come around and help out and you can all relax and settle in a little bit further.

[fionas]

Limeslice - I think I admitted in my first post that I have issues

[misty]

...If she is actually teaching the lesson...

I don't have teenagers, so feel free to ignore me! lol But honestly, sounds to me like you are upset and angry and personally I don't like the way you said to your friend when the incident happen that it was "her decision to use DSD again or not" and now you are asking her not to outright.
Your trust issues are not your friends issues to be had or carried. You need to address them with DSD. If you are simply preventing her from working for anyone else because you have issues, I think it send the wrong message to DSD - especially if you haven't informed her you have asked your friend not to ask her to babysit until you feel she can be trusted again.


Appears you need to talk to your friend and work out those issues and work on keeping those issues form your DSD's trust issues iykwim.
Must be tough for you at the moment, I hope DSD will come around and help out and you can all relax and settle in a little bit further.

I agree with this. It doesn't sound fair. You are chopping and changing the rules, without warning, all because you are emotional and then you are trying to justify it after the fact to make yourself feel better about doing so.

You are hurt and cranky (understandably) at DSD. If you wanted to make an issue of this, you should have done so at the time. It is not fair to treat her one way after the incident and then change the rules again later on.

You are hurt and cranky at your friend. You are trying to punish your friend, by taking something away from her. And you don't want to feel bad so you are trying to justify it as rational reasonable behaviour. It's not. It is tit-for-tat.

Both of them would have good reason to be p'ed off with you now. But then your aim does seem to be to make them as cranky and hurt as you currently are.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you did say you wanted opinions.