im going to ask my sis for advice for you huni....she was bulliemic (sp) from the age of 11 onwards...she got through it and il ask her if theres anything that could help to get your dd and you through this.
il pm you hun if thats ok.
love rach xxx
I know its a long stretch but have you thought about getting her commited before it gets any worse? I think you need more help than a dietition and a shrink. She can just agree with them and go on her merry way IYKWIM.
hugs sweety... hang in there, u WILL get through this xoxo
Wow, it must be hard hearing she isn't 'severe' enough. How scary.
Will you be able to get a councellor that specialises in eating disorders or do you just get a 'general' (!) one?
On the sex thing - it's very hard to say but my DD had condoms in her room from about 13, I think they came from a prank they all played on a friend for his birthday but she is 16.5 now and still hasn't had sex. I was sooo paranoid.
Can you talk to her at all or does her head start spinning and spewing pea soup?
About the triggers - anything can do it really. Being a teen is very stressful, it could have been some ho trying to steal her bf or a teacher may have embarrassed her. They are so uncertain and easily hurt (though all the attitude).
Mix in an eating disorder and the complexities are magnified SO much.
Hopefully longer term councelling or support will keep her on track for awhile - are there any teen confidence/leadership programs around?
*hugs* I'm sorry you're having such a hard time... I was a bit like your DD in my later teen years and I know it put my parents through absolute hell... but of course teenagers are such self-absorbed creatures that we don't see it at the time, it's all about me-me-me.
I don't really know what advice to give about the drinking, possible sexual activity and other acting out, but I was diagnosed with an eating disorder at 16 and I know that the worst thing you can do is try to force DD to eat, or watch her like a hawk with it... I know it's so hard to just sit there and feel like you're 'permitting' her to starve herself, but a big thing with EDs is that it's a control issue. Your DD may feel that she is so lost right now, and that everybody is dictating to her what she should do, that controlling what she puts in her mouth is the only part of her life she has some autonomy over, kwim?? And the more she has parents, dieticians, counsellors and doctors trying to jam food down her throat, the more she is going to resist, and the sicker she will make herself. I know that I myself started to get better when my parents threw their hands up in desperation and decided that if I was going to kill myself, they'd done all they could to stop me - once they left me alone and stopped dragging me to endless shrinks and doctors, I felt like I had been given some of that power over myself back, and stopped being so defiant about food.
I'm not saying 'Oh, just ignore her and let her starve herself to death', of course not. I just want you to know that a *huge* part of eating disorders is a method of a person exerting control over their own body, and the more those around them push, push, push for solutions and cures and answers and weight gain, the more determined a person becomes to have absolute control over food. Perhaps the drinking etc is another part of that - she is giving in and eating, or going to counsellors or doing as she's told etc, so the acting out is another way of saying, 'F--- you, I'm the boss of me' and proving to herself that she is the ultimate master of her own body, mind and destiny? I was just reading your earlier thread, and the comments you make about her dietician being unhappy with her, and threats of hospitalisation etc, well I know to you or me they sound perfectly reasonable or a way of trying to encourage DD to put on weight, but to a person suffering anorexia, it sounds more like, 'Oh, you're gonna lock me up and force-feed me if I don't do as I'm told?! Well, we'll see about that, yeah. I'll bloody well show you who's running this show'... so maybe avoid 'threatening' her with what the dietician says, or make sure when she is with the dietician, that they don't go saying things like, 'I'm unhappy with your progress' etc... like I said, to a rational person it is just a statement, to a teenager with anorexia it's a threat or an encouragement to get even more out of control.
As LuLu said, when you're an irrational, heart-before-head teenager, triggers can be as simple as being frustrated when there's nothing good on TV, or your shoelace breaks. Obviously it's worth trying to figure out if they exist and what they are, but for the most part it's day-by-day. Some are better than others. Some seemingly 'good' days turn into bad ones as quickly as flicking a lightswitch. It doesn't make sense to us as adults who are more logical, but when you're hormonal, frustrated, tired and all the rest, it all seems like a perfectly logical course of action.
For the record, I personally recovered from anorexia without the aid of counselling etc. Like I said, once everybody left me alone and allowed me to feel that I was my own boss, I started putting on weight again, and although to this day I still have strange habits with food (certain rituals that you establish, like bad habits, may not ever go away, and I'm usually unaware of them until DH points them out to me), I now have a much healthier attitude towards food and eating. I think growing up had a lot to do with it - I was 20 when a doctor declared me 'recovered', not just 'getting there', so I wonder if a large part of my problems were to do with those wonderful teenage hormones and angst... because once they were gone and my head straightened out, I could see clearly and act rationally for the first time in years.
I'm sorry that's not much help, and I wish you and your DD the best... I hope she is able to get the help she needs, on her terms, and makes a speedy and long-term recovery. Please, don't ever blame yourself or feel that you're not doing enough to help... you are an amazing mum to be so concerned and so dedicated to guiding DD to a healthier way of life, in years to come she will be forever grateful for your support, love and compassion. It just takes time... and patience. Good luck.
Thanks guys. We have her coming home for lunch (to make sure she eats it) and today we found on youtube a video that was put together by a girls family in tribute to her life. She died at 14 from anorexia. Sarah watched it and sobbed her heart out. This girl was beautiful and talented and had everything to live for but didn't like herself. I'm hoping by watching it Sarah can relate to some of the feelings. They also showed photos as she got skinnier and Sarah is very close to some of them. We talked to her today about starting fresh and how we want her to change schools and she has agreed. Also we go to the dr's on Friday and we will be getting a specialist to look at her. We are going to talk about getting psych help for her and us, getting her some form of contraception and just getting it all out to our GP. He has been our GP since Sarah was a baby so knows her really well. I'm hoping that she will realise that we all love her very much and want to help her overcome this.
GothMum - i have tried to leave the food issue alone in the hopes that she will start herself but she doesn't and then gets quite sick. We also have to take her to the dentist as she has been making herself throw up too. Her teeth were losing the enamel from the last bout of bulimia, hopefully they are not as bad this time.
Keep giving me support ladies as I'm slowly getting very worn out. Thanks heaps
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to you. I have nothing that I can offer or say to help though, sorry.
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