My 15yr old sister has moved in and i need HELP

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I think maybe a good chat and explaining your there for her and offering her a second chance, you don't expect her to move in and be a babysitter or a cleaner BUT at her age there are certain things she should be able to do for herself and to help you out a bit.

1. Stack dishes and tidy up after herself in the kitchen
2. Keep her room clean (i'm sure your girls do this and they are a lot younger)
3. Set a couple of BASIC chores for her to do - dishes, maybe sweep the floor or something.
4. No Phone at school, no phone in public (ie at friends houses or at dinner etc), 1hr games/fb time on phone at night (or more if you agree)

I know your her sister and not her mum but it's YOUR house, you have your own kids to look after and your doing her a favor taking her in.. she needs to recognise she is NOT a child and she has some responsibility too.
I think a good chat with her though on what you expect is a good place to start.

[Cocolove]

Thanks ZF
Montana manages to keep her little room clean but they always leave clothes all over the house coz they are too lazy to walk to the laundry or put the, away they have just been told if I find anymore clothes around ill limit their wardrobe to 1 pr of shorts 1pr of jeans 1 top and one jumper!

[Fleur]

Ahh teenagers. Fun much?

Good on you for giving her a place

As ZF said, it's a good idea to sit down & talk with her. I'm not sure how receptive she is, but try explaining how it makes you feel when she leaves stuff lying around etc. Try not to go overboard...pick a few of the WORST things, or keep it simple.

My teenage DD hates it when I make statements like 'you always...' (even when it's true, lol) so I try to keep it as accurate as possible - 'I feel like you do X a lot, and it frustrates me becuase I am trying to keep things tidy'
and that helps keep her form becoming too defensive. If she feels like I'm attacking her she just closes up & nothing I say gets through.

If you can, offer her a trade - you expect A,B,C and she can have / get / do X,Y,Z. It doesn't have to be monetary - it might be as basic as, if she picks up her washing then you will do it with the rest of the family's washing. If she leaves it lying around, then she has to look after it.
Get her to enter into an agreement with you on it, and get her to verbalise it - 'I will....' You might have to do the same. My teenagers both are really big on fairness. You cannot ask for more than you expect.

Most of all be patient, it will take time for things to change. She's following you around all day... she sounds lost Give her firm boundaries & a loving safe place, and then time...
Good luck

ETA - just read your last post - consequences are great things. Limiting their wardrobe if they leave clothes lying around is a really appropriate response I think. DS1 has just lost his iPod charger because he continually leaves it hanging out of the computer...he was warned, now it's gone for a week.

[Cocolove]

Thanks Fluer, its so tough to ask things of her, shes come from being constantly yelled at and orderd around to a loving family & Im just scared of nagging at her, mums still nagging at her from 4 hours away telling her how she can & cant cut her hair, IM her carer now is this a fair statement?

She has it really well here, all id like her to do is tidy up after herself and maybe watch the kids for 10min while i go to the supermarket i dont want to overwhelm her and make her feel like a slave I feel I shouldnt have to ask her to tidy her room it should be known, my house has the worst design you have to walk through her & MJ's room to go to the bathroom so that means people are walking through a bit so i just want it tidy.

Is she too young for a chore chart? Is it too much to ask for her to take washing off the line & do the night dishes and clean up after herself, thats all i ask really!

DD1 has lost her iPod touch due to her attitude!

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Is she too young for a chore chart? Is it too much to ask for her to take washing off the line & do the night dishes and clean up after herself, thats all i ask really!

Hell no, at her age i was doing a LOT more.. cooking tea, dishes, chopping wood, washing ,vacing.. i was doign LOTS.
DD1 is 2 and she already helps make her own bed, we get her to help put her toys away and she helps vac.. it's not forced and i know THIS TO SHALL PASS but if she can do it at 2 then a 15yr old can manage.. stay strong babe, your an amazing mum and a wonderful sister.

[Mak]

How long has she been with you? I would err on the side of caution and go gently with her. So perhaps just gently chat to her about the room needing to be accessed and give her some easy options to plonk stuff on/behind.
Moving out of home cos you have no options there anymore would be rough no matter how your behaviour has prompted it so I think she is probably after some reassurance that she has a place with you (and probably still with your mum etc). I realise you need to have things function but it may take some time to get your groove going together too. Is there any chance of tapping into some counselling for her (and you) to give you both some time to debrief and discuss your strategies with someone neutral? You both will need some neutral support so you can talk with out filtering your concerns/needs. I know it may sound OTT but she is still very young and you are her sister so renegotiating those boundaries will be difficult.
Does school have any options to support her? It is a tricky age to establish yourself again especially if you are feeling a bit lost anyway.
She is lucky to have you.