Yep, I'm sure when he said he has a hell of a lot to make up for he didn't mean going broke in buying her material possessions because she's too stubborn/lazy to earn them herself. Glad you got that sorted with him. I think it shows she has a lack of respect for EVERYONE in her life if she thinks she can just call them up and ask them to pander to her when she can't get her way with someone else. She has so much to learn.....
I TOTALLY empathise with your situation. My daughter is EXACTLY the same!! The only difference is she has gone the step further and moved out! All over a ridiculous argument over money...this story will show you just how selfish my DD is:
We were down at the mall to get groceries for dinner that night, I had $30 on me at the time, pay day was the next day. My DD was going to babysitting for my cousin that night and getting paid $20. DD decided that she needed some foundation, she wanted me to lend her $20 for the foundation until the next day when she would give me her $20 babysitting money. Now, she didnt need the foundation that night as she was only going babysitting and nobody was going to see her. I told her I could not lend her the money as that would only leave me with $10 to buy groceries to make dinner for 5 people!! She tells me "All you think about is yourself, you are so selfish", storms out of the supermarket and walks home!!
Once I get home she starts picking and picking and picking, we end up arguing and then my cousin picked her up for babysitting. After my cousin got home DD got in a taxi and went her boyfriends house (he lives with his parents and little brother and sister). That was 4 weeks ago and I havent seen her since!
She wont reply to my messages or answer her phone, but i talk to her BF's mother regulary so I still know what is going on with her. Centerlink has called about her trying to claim payments, but I told them that I didnt kick her out, she left on her own to be with her BF, so she wont have much luck getting much money out of them!!
She has been pushing me for almost a year (since she started seeing this boy) to kick her out, but I refused. I did the same as you Lulu, said i cant stop her leaving btu I wouldnt kick her out. She finally realised I wasnt going to, so she just left.
What I dont understand is she had it so good here...probably too good! But it is hard with the oldest, you dont really know where the boundaries should be. When she turned 16 she had an 8:30 curfew on schoolnights and an 11pm curfew on weekends. She was only ever at her BF's house so I wasnt too worried about her wandering the streets or anything,. He is a real homebody and not really into partying or anything.
She has totally ruined her life now. She's not going back to year 11 and 12, i dont know if she will even pass year 10 as she hardly went once she left here. She is not even going to her year 10 formal as non-school kids arent allowed to go which means she cant take her BF (he is 18) and neither of them are allowed to do anything without each other (both as controlling and posessive as eachother, great recipe for a relationship). She also has no money for the dress, shoes, hair etc now.
She is working casual at a video shop and last night the BF's mother rang me and said a couple of girls went to the shop when she was closing up last night and punched her in the face!! (ex-friends..probably caused by her toxic personality and BIG MOUTH!) She tried to put DD on the phone as I was worried about her but she refused. I really think she is just too embarressed and ashamed to talk to me now. She has told verybody in town that I kicked her out of home, which couldn't be further from the truth.
Lulu, I'm so sorry I hijacked your thread, but once I started typing i just couldnt stop, LOL, I havent talked about this much at all in the last 4 weeks.
Anyway, my DD was the same as yours, would not lift a finger to help AT ALL, her room was always disgusting! She would be constantly suffering from hayfever because her room was so dirty! And heaven help me if I asked her to unload the dishwasher!! On the other hand my 13 year old DD is an absolute blessing, has a heart of gold and doesnt hesitate to help me with anything....doesnt even need to be asked. They were both raised in the same house by the same people, so go figure!!
Lulu, if you need to talk at all please feel free to PM or email me...I think we are both in the exact same boat...and I dont mind lending an ear or a shoulder to cry on.
Sorry for the ramble, I dont even know if this post makes sense, LOL.
Last edited by Marlene; November 22nd, 2008 at 08:17 AM.
LuLu, stand your ground. Its great yo have everyone else she could ask on side also. She needs a swift kick in the butt & I think this is the way to do it.
She thinkins she can push you & win. Let her see she has another thing coming. Poopy, Nan & S and anyone else she thought she could fall back on & ask for money needs to be on your side 100% & sounds as though they are.
I know it woul dbe hard seeingher miss out on her formal but save all the sparkly things for her wedding when she is a mature women. At the moment she just sounds like a spoilt brat.
If she gets what she wants with this I think you have lost the battle for good.
Let her hate you & everyone else & think the world hates her etc, everything she can throw at you but remember when she is a little more grown up she should be better for it.
Don't give in .
Marlene - Blah I hope your DD see's some sence soon & realises you are not the evil selfish mother she thinks or makes you out to be. it sounds to me that the BF's parents need to stand their ground & kick her out LOL. Is she paying any kind of rent or board? I would be asking that they don't let her freeload.
I hope you can both sort out these girls. Im not looking forward to Isla hitting this age!
Having parented my brothers through their teenage years and my DD#1 through hers, I can put my hand on my heart and say that this is an awful time for children. They are so destructive to themselves and everyone who cares about them.
I am sure you are doing a fantastic job. Your DD just sounds like she is doing all the typical teenage things. Set boundaries - even though they will probably be breached repeatedly, don't let hurtful words and behaviour go unchecked, but know that it's due to the hormone imbalance going on in her body.
Take heart, there is light at the end of the tunnel. My DD is fantastic now (after being toxic for many years).
Lulu, I think FionaJill may be right about the board. I think she will have an even stronger sense of entitlement if she is paying to live in your house. She will probably think she doesnt have to pull her weight at all because she is giving you money.
FionaJill...when I was talking to the BF's mother last night she was saying that DD and BF were planning on moving out into their own place. Her exact thoughts on that were "well, I dont know how they are going to that when they cant even pay f***ing board!!".
Looks like they will just have to live and learn!! I dont have the money to dig them out of a hole...we just have our heads above water as it is...and if she goes and falls pregnant, god help us all!!!
given how soon the formal is likely to be, i think laybying a dress is a pointless exercise - she's not gonna pull her head out her butt in time to actually do anything to "earn it" - i would offer to make a dress IF she can pull herself together enough to pay for pattern and material - that's it.
as to everything else, stand your ground! i was a right biatch at that age, and moved out at 17 to get away from my olds (they were no where near as understanding as you are hun!) - i learnt to live on sweet bugger all money at a very young age. i DID get YAL, but i was paying probably 70% of that to accommodation, so i learnt to appreciate every cent. you can't get away with DD not doing anything - you are not her slave, you're her mum - she needs to show you respect. i never got pocket money, and when i started earning money where mum lost FTB (or whatever the equiv was back then) i had to pay board - if i didnt pay, i didn't eat. i didn't get to use the washing machine to clean my clothes, i didn't get to have any "extras" in my room (tv etc), i got a bed, a shower, that's it. i never missed paying my board, and i realised it was a responsibility i needed to take on from a young age. i didn't treat mum and dads place like a resort or motel - it just wasn't something they'd let me get away with! even when i went to uni, if i was "home" or a weekend, it was fine - any longer than that, i had to chip in for food and stuff.
stand your ground. tell her to pull her head out of her butt and help around the house or she'll get nowhere. don't give in - don't let anyone else give in to her. don't compromise - she has to take responsibility for her actions - all actions have consequences!
maybe sit her down and ask if she thinks she's an adult or a child - get her to define what an adult or child is. if she wants to play the child and "mum owes me everything" card, it's simple - you live under my roof, you do what i say. the little ones have to, therefore so do you! if she thinks she is an adult, she needs to live on the actions and consequences - she needs to earn respect. she's not doing anything to help herself in this respect at the moment!
She just called asking me to drop off some clothes for her (she goes to poppys for 2 nights a week)!!!!
Ummm NO, I have better things to do today. How rude.
It might be a good idea for me to RESET boundaries - ie, if you leave school you will be required to pay $50 board per week. If you leave home you will NOT rec Clink payments cos I wont kick you out.
Do not ask me for any, any tiny little thing until you learn respect....
Anything else I should add.
P.S I love you Marlene, sorry we are in the same boat xoxoxoxo
I would be carful suggesting the paying of board as I think she will react in a way of thinking you are now her PAID house maid. Why should she help out around the house she is PAYING to live in KWIM? Also I dare say it will be, can I pay you double next week? Before you know it she hasn't paid anything for 2 months & is still walking around with her head up her butt LOL thinking she is the all mighty as she PAYS to live there.
Im just not sure if her attitude atm will suit paying rent. I really think she will just take it as one more reason to think she is entitled to something more.
You could tell her that it isn't a holiday resort and she has to stop treating it as such
I suppose at this stage it's the only option you've got. I just don't get that if she wants to move out so badly, how can she possibly think she could run a household on any meagre wage she could earn as a checkout chick (not that there is anything wrong with that, you all kwim?) or any other low-wage job for unskilled workers (because that's what she is) unless she lives somewhere really dodgy or in shared accomodation and I think she'll soon realise that she aint the woman of the world she thinks she is when she's got overdue bills
Oh hun im sure ill be coming to you for advice in years to come with my DD!
Only thing i can suggest is to maybe take away something that means alot to her until she starts pulling her weight.. such as a mobile phone if she has one. These things are a teenagers life! If you allow her to go to the mall with her friends or something, tell her shes not going until she does what you need in return.
Maybe you can do that with the dress also. Tell her youll buy her the dress, but she has to give up something else and when she works for it she can have it back?
These are my only suggests i can think of.. im not yet in that situations myself so im unsure if it will or not work.. But hang in there, you are doing a wonderful job.. teenage girls can be like wild flowers.. beautiful but so devious
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). She also has no money for the dress, shoes, hair etc now.
im sure ill be coming to you for advice in years to come with my DD!
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