Mel - it sounds like she is testing your boundaries - big time! another brilliant book that I read, and saved my sanity was Boundaries with Kids. It is a christian book - so there are bibilical references in it, but having said that, I'm not a christian, and tended to flick over them. it doesnt take away from the overall messages - which basically that actions have conseqences and taking responsiblity for your own behaviour and the choices you make- now and when you grow up. after I had read the book I sat down with Laura and nathan and told them that this was what would be happening. this was about 4 years ago. and yes we still have our ups and downs, but overall things are monumentally better. it did get worse before it got better, but I just kept reminding myself that I was over the fighting, yelling and nagging... and it got me through.
the whole blended family thing is painful and has a unique dynamic all of its own!! often I feel like I have two families - one with DH and aston, the other with laura nathan and aston... drives me nuts!
I'm glad you took her phone off her, and the other things, be consistent with her, you have done the right thing, no matter how much she yells at you, YOUR THE MUM and you make the rules. She may have been able to do what she wanted when and where when she was with your mum, but she chose to come and live with you, so she has to live by your rules. Hang in there Mel. have a look at Kaz Cooke, see if you can get a copy of Boundaries with Kids, and talk talk talk... and I know how hard it is - but DONT engage with her when she is being arguementive.... just repeat after me... "when you are ready to talk to me calmly I'll be ready to listen..." and walk away.
GGGRRRRRRRRRR Sarah is at it again. We have gone through such a nice quiet period that I thought she was over the hassles but NO. This morning she threw a tantrum worthy of my 3y/o all because she couldn't take the day off and go to the horse sales. She yelled at DF that she hates him and then on the way to school she said she was suicidal but that she was over counsellors and that she was not going to eat again She also asked what we would do if she ran away again. DF told her that if she is over 16 then she can make adult decisions about herself but until then we would call the police (like last time). All this after we let her go out to a friends formal and after formal party until 11.30pm only on Tuesday. She seriously thinks she is so hard done by. The only reason we didn't let her have the day off was because she truanted not long ago and got busted. This was the schools referral free day and we told her she couldn't have the fun part of it but had to still go to school. It is only a 1/2 day anyway as it is sport day and hardly anyone is there. I now have to pick her up at 12.30. I'm so sick of the stress she can cause and believe me she will.
Fiona: oh dear... don't ever feel bad for debriefing here... even if it just touches upon the issues... it must be so hard juggling that and your new little girl.
Cass: Sadly that was similar to what I experienced when I was 12 and got my periods. My parents had recently split too... and I was somewhat neglected but not quite as bad as your DSD. My mother had a new partner and only had time for him. She stopped providing for my sister and I unless it was glaringly urgent... I felt too reluctant to tell my mother anything about my personal hygiene needs because my mother would use it as a reason to get attention from her new partner "Oooooh she needs a BRA! She thinks she is so grown up now!" and then next thing I would have this creepy boyfriend of hers looking at my chest. I also hid my undies because mum and the BF would tell everyone and make a fuss in loud voices. So I'm wondering if your DSD has also learned that this is the best way? I don't recall mum buying me deodorant either... and I was too ashamed to ask... so I used to just use the cheap avon perfumes that aunts and grandmas gave me for Christmas and birthdays and spray it right under my arms hoping that it worked but it probably didnt. At least I showered daily and basically kept myself clean. One thing I am so proud of achieving with my DD is total trust. She is completely different when it comes to these issues... she knows I'm discreet... and has no shame about it... she'll ask for anything she needs quite freely. Keep up the good work Cass, I'm sure she will come to trust you too
Kim: Don't worry they all say that they are so hardly done by. Stick to your guns and always trust your instinct. As hard as it might be even though she is throwing a tanty and yelling... don't yell back. Don't let them storm off and slam doors etc. Just calmly observe them and say, if you can can a word in, that you're looking forward to hearing her grievances when she calms down. By letting them know you are willing to listen they will eventually want to be heard and take you up on the offer... but make it on your terms. Try to ignore those attention seeking threats in the heat of the moment.. but once she has calmed down (and you might have to wait a day or two) raise those issues and ask her why she said it.. be persistent... she'll probably try to fob you off (because she'll be embarrassed by then) by keep pressing so that she knows that making those kinds of threats has a consequence. I'm no expert... but for me being calm seems to work... i regret every time I have raised my voice and gotten sucked into to my DDs vortex. You just gotta keep out of it Good luck darl!
ETA: yep my DD has a copy of that big Kaz Cooke's Girl Stuff book lying around her room... I often find it on her bed... she seems to consult it quite a bit.
Bathsheba: I just relayed what you said to DH. He said it sounds pretty spot on to what DSD is going through. Thanks for helping me understand our girl. I'll keep an eye out for the book!
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She also asked what we would do if she ran away again. DF told her that if she is over 16 then she can make adult decisions about herself but until then we would call the police (like last time). All this after we let her go out to a friends formal and after formal party until 11.30pm only on Tuesday. She seriously thinks she is so hard done by. The only reason we didn't let her have the day off was because she truanted not long ago and got busted. This was the schools referral free day and we told her she couldn't have the fun part of it but had to still go to school. It is only a 1/2 day anyway as it is sport day and hardly anyone is there. I now have to pick her up at 12.30. I'm so sick of the stress she can cause and believe me she will.
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