14yo DD drinking... HELP please...

[Fleur]

So 14yo Dd has been drinking. Nothing too unusual amongst her friends unfortunately.
DH & I both recall our own teenage days & accept a certain amount at certain times as 'normal' - not okay obviously, but we did it, our friends did it, her friends do it...

The problem we have is that it seems to be happening quite often.
Up to this point we have not condoned it, but on the occasions that she has confessed (2 or 3) we have not punished her. We have spoken to her about safe behaviour, about being honest with us, the GP had a few words with her last week also.

Last night she had a friend over to watch videos & have pizza - really normal ok stuff. When I got up at 3am to pump milk she had left photos open on the computer that she had uploaded. They showed her & her friend posing with alcohol bottles.

EEEEEk!! SHe had a friend over for MOVIES & she did this?

My immediate reaction was to ground her for a month but I'm not sure that's productive. She will eventually be with her friends again & then it will more than likely continue.
But what do we do?

So we have spoken with her this morning about it. Gave her all our concerns - it's not just about being safe outside home, it's about her still growing body & brain. It's about habits which form & can carry into adulthood. It's about doing it too often, it's about being sneaky (although if she asked would we say yes? Probably not).
It's about the fact that depression runs in our family - I started suffering from it at 14 - and now in the last 2 weeks DD says she feels depressed - if so then this is the LAST thing she needs.

We have told her she is temporarily grounded while we consider what to do & how to handle this.
Problem is, we have no idea at all what to do....

So give it to me! I'm counting on the wisdom of the BB ladies to help me out......

[Ozstar]

I have no words of wisdom but wanted to send you some hugs, what a tough situation!!

[MamaPan]

Oh Jasp - you are dealing with so much atm... pumping and feeding a nb and then dealing with the teenager and everything in b/n! my hat off to you my friend and a big hug for this little hurdle too...
I think it sounds like you have a great communication style with her and she obv knows you love and trust her and vice versa. it sounds like teenage behaviour but it also sounds like you need to manage it with her. i think it is good her gp spoke with her... especially if she feels depressed.
I think you need to have a good chat to her about the effects it can have and maybe also get the gp to spk to her more. but mainly keep the communication open and dont overreact which may make her rebel or not tell you as much if that makes sense.
I watched 'about women' on sbs last week and it spoke a lot about teenage issues - maybe you could watch something like this with her to open up other areas of discussion?
Sorry not much real advice, i havent been through it myself yet.. (thankfully)...

[diannescruffy]

Geez, I really feel for you. I wish I had some constructive advice for you but if my DS14 was drinking I really don't know what I would do either. The main thing is that she knows she can come to you for anything, whether it be advice or sharing her problems. It is a bit worrying that she has mentioned depression to you and I really think that needs to be addressed promptly as she may be drinking to get away from her depression. I really hope everything works out for you and DD.

Regards,
Dianne

[Dansta]

question - with the photos is it possable her and her friend where just "poseing" with them alcohol bottles? and not drinking them? i ask becuase at that age i wasnt aloud to drink out side of the home (and only one for b'days/christmas/NYE type things and only ever one at that!) so poseing with a bottle would make it *look* like i was drinking but i wasnt KWIM?

It sounds like you've got a good open communication with her, which is fantasic. even better if she can talk to you about being depressed. maybe try talking to her friend about it as well and explain that you dont like your DD and her friend drinking with out being told about it (taking away the "ooo no one knows factor can sometimes help, from my experaince)

your doing really good to be able to handle and cope with a new born AND a teenager i take my hat off you to you!

[~Jo~]

To be honest I think youve done a wonderful job already. I work with young people specifically dealing with drugs and alcohol and I wish their parents were as forthcoming and open to communication as you are with you dd. Naturally the fact that it has occurred a few times is concerning, as is her saying she is feeling depressed. Does your dd say why she wants to drink? How it makes her feel?

The photos...ugh...I have the same thing with my dds and we are continually reiterating the need to be respectful of ourselves. I cant believe some of the photos that are circulating on myspace/facebook of young teens. My 13 dd tries to copy her older sister too, so its always fun having to keep an eye on it. The media, pressure from friends etc seems to be overwhelming.

I guess all we can do is try and encourage positive behaviour, positive choices, and try to keep our growing teens bodies safe. I do talk about emotions alot factoring in that their growing brains focus heavily on emotions right now so it can seem so overwhelming for them, but this will settle down. Our job is to guide and it sounds like your lines of communication are open, you are giving her the right information, encouraging her to make good choices, and I guess we have to let them make their own choices. THey will grow and learn from their mistakes after all.

I am happy to be able to use others stories too. It always seems to make it real for teens, ie girl who has a few drinks at a party, choosing risky behaviour she wouldnt normally choose, sleeps with boy etc, just to bring it home how alcohol and risky behaviour are linked.

Jo

[Fleur]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

It's nice to hear that you think we're on the right track but I'm still not too sure what we are going to do in this particular instance...given that she is waiting for her punishment to be handed down... and has been particularly sulky & horrid today not helping her case, is she?

Any more ideas?
Also, what would you be doing to limit the opportunities for this kind of behaviour? I can't see her being grounded until she's 18...oh but I would like to.....