14yo DD drinking... HELP please...

[Fleur]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

It's nice to hear that you think we're on the right track but I'm still not too sure what we are going to do in this particular instance...given that she is waiting for her punishment to be handed down... and has been particularly sulky & horrid today not helping her case, is she?

Any more ideas?
Also, what would you be doing to limit the opportunities for this kind of behaviour? I can't see her being grounded until she's 18...oh but I would like to.....

[Lulu]

Are you punishing her for drinking or the photos?

I would ask her what she thought was an appropriate punishment - she may surprise you.

to limit opportunities - I don't do sleepovers after parties. I pick up and drop off at parties and if I know there will be drinking I speak to the parents and let them know I do NOT permit my child to drink. I also know who is holding any "parties", she wasn't allowed to random people houses.
I built relationships will parents of my childs friends. I made my position clear to them, and they did the same.

Im tired, sorry for the lack of words...

[Madham]

I know this will happen to me soon enough and i can imagine how tough it must be.
I will not permit my daughter to drink but that does not mean she wont. My dd just yesterday showed me a pic of one of her friends on my space posing with a bottle of alcohol. She said look mum she is only 13 thats terrible she looks stupid and thinks she is cool. I then made reference to the fact that drinking doesnt make you cool etc.
Im not sure what kind of punishment you can give her, the main punishment that works around here is no mobile and no internet. Not sure that is appropriate for this situation but i dont know your dd, i think it depends on the child so maybe Lulu is right ask her what punishment she should recieve.
Sorry i am not much help, you are doing a great job and i am sure you will make the right decision and i hope your daughter makes the right choices in the future.

[mrsmac]

I used Lulu's approach, make it hard for her to be in situations where she can drink ie- pick her up after parties, let friends stay at your house not her at theirs etc. One of DDs friend's mums picks her up from parties and then lets her drive home on her L's so that she has to not drink at all.

Its a difficult age, sorry actually the start of a difficult few years! I think you are already doing a brilliant job being open and honest with your DD, build on this relationship, talk with her about your fears, I found DD was always more responsive if I explained things rather than ordered her to not do something.

Big hugs to you, having had a 14 yr old and a newborn I know exactly what you are going through and trust me it does get better!!

[Miss E]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

It's nice to hear that you think we're on the right track but I'm still not too sure what we are going to do in this particular instance...given that she is waiting for her punishment to be handed down... and has been particularly sulky & horrid today not helping her case, is she?

Just wanted to give you a big Jasp. Like the others have said I think you are doing a great job, the most important thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open. I have to admit this does bring back memories of my teenage years. Based upon the way I behave as a teenager I tend to think that you are best not to punish her. I think if she gets punished that is going to make her want to hide these things from you in the future and that is the last thing you want. At least if she is able to share with you and feel that she can talk to you about what she is up to you have opportunity to guide her and encourage responsible behaviour. But if she decides to close up and keep things from you for fear of getting in trouble and being punished you're less likely to get the opportunity to guide and advise her.

Anyway, just thought I would share my take on things, I was a horror teenager who started smoking and drinking around her age. My mum would do everything to stop it, which just made me rebel even more. In the end I got shipped off to live with my Dad who had a totally different approach. He never said 'no' to me, just advised me and gave me the freedom to be a teenager and do what teenagers do. In my case it worked, being given responsibility not being told actually meant that I settled down. For him it did mean sleepless nights, but he knew that if things got out of hand I would call him for help rather than try and sort it out myself for fear of getting into trouble.

Good luck with it hon xoxox

[Fleur]

Are you punishing her for drinking or the photos?

The drinking. She doesn't know how we found out (at least, we didn't tell her).

Thanks Miss E for sharing your teenage years! It's kind of re-inforced why I don't necessarily want to ground her for a month, lol.
We want her to know that we don't condone her behaviour (although I'm fairly certain she already does know that). I also want her to understand that although we realise that it will happen sometimes, the amount she has confessed to recently is worrying.

As for parties - she doesn't do 'parties' yet - that we know of - the occasions where this has happened have been mostly sleepovers. The other night was a sleepover here, with just one friend. She had asked to stay at a friends house who we don't really know... we were a bit concerned given how things have been with her recently & suggested she have pizza & videos here instead...trying to limit her opportunities for risky behaviours... she ended up having a different friend over & drinking anyway!

I love the idea of letting her choose the consequences, I will run this by DH tomorrow. Abb you are right no internet works a treat here too, no mobile is saved for the most serious transgressions

Oh and Lulu - never mind the lack of words! I'm happy to hear any, & I've noticed you always manage to pack great advice into a few words

Mrsmac - thankyou! so, umm....when exactly does it start getting easier? it's good to hear that it does.

Thanks everyone

[mrsmac]

DD is nearly 18 and it is MUCH easier now but I found even when she turned 17 it started getting easier.

[MamaPan]

love the idea of choosing consequences.. my mum used this on me and it worked a treat. she told me i was usually harder on myself than she would have been...

[Fleur]

Just thought I'd pop back in here & let you know what we are doing...

(I am told there is a group for alcoholic teenagers?...)

so we have spoken to DD about why we are unhappy with what she is doing. Straight off the bat she said she has already decided to curb it. So that's a good start. BUT our consequences stand... We feel like a grounding is kind of pointless, she will be back out sooner or later & if they really want to drink they will find a way. So we have said to her if you are going to make choices, let them be informed choices.

Over the next week she can research the effects of alcohol, in particular teen drinking. Let us know next Friday what she has found out.

The look on her face was priceless

especially when we said... if you don't do it, or don't do it properly...I am taking you to the teenage AA meeting so you can see first hand ... if someone there can't talk to you I guess they will have some information for us all at least.

She took it very well. And we have also told her if at any point we feel that any of her behaviour is getting out of hand we have no hesitation in grounding her for months, or informing her friends parents of our concerns... it would be last resort but if we had to we would.
So, she needs to know that although we understand it might happen we don't condone it IYKWIM.

Gosh it's hard to walk such a fine line

Thanks again everyone

[diannescruffy]

That's great. Hope everything works out for your family.

Regards,
Dianne

[Ozziehoffy]

Over the next week she can research the effects of alcohol, in particular teen drinking. Let us know next Friday what she has found out.

The look on her face was priceless

Gosh it's hard to walk such a fine line

Great idea. It really is hard walking a fine line. I'm finding it really challenging right now, J is 16 now and not easy with a 2 1/2 and 5 month old. Especially when the 2 1/2 yr old is now starting to pick up the bad habits of the 16 yr old!!!

J got banned from the school bus a while back for really stupid behaviour. He was banned for a whole term. We told him to write a letter to the bus company and cc to his school. He wrote it (fairly well) but never sent it so we just let him continue to be banned from the bus and he had to walk or ride to school. I don't think he cared too much though. Hopefully your DD cares more than he did/does!