pardon my french

[forshelby]

****...... DP says last night: "I'm petrified of having a baby with you."

WTF. Why did he suggest it then? I didn't ask him to do this, but he did know I want children.

Ok, so he said a lot of things last night. Like that I'll be a great mum. But he said he never pictured himself as a father figure. I asked him if he would love our child, or resent us. He said how could he not love someone who's half him.

That was somewhat a relief.... but seriously. WTF. Should I go ahead with this?? Anyone else have similar experiences??

He also says he's doing this for me, because he knows how much I want it, and because he knows I'll eventually leave if he doesn't give me a child. Quote: "I'm wiling to do this to keep you. I love you to death."

Keep me??? Is this a loving gift from a wonderful man who can't live without me, or a recipe for resentment. He appears to want this but I'm scared now.

Help!

[Queen]

Aww hun
I have no idea what to say just lots of hugs.

[MrsFabuloso]

My DH has said very similar things. He has told me he never wanted children really (after we had had 2 already!!), and just did it for me. When we got married he knew what I wanted- 4 children. I agreed to have three when he said 4 was too many. He then revised that to 2, but I still long for another. But he married me anyway. I had two m/c before a successful pg, so he had time to really think about the consequences of it all, and still he stayed and we had children. He absolutely adores our children and is a wonderful father and hubby, and has told me he could never imagine life without them now we have them. He has now said we can have another child even though it's not really what he wants, but will always love another child no matter what. We have chatted long and hard about this. He is willing to make sacrifices. I have made sacrifices for him in other ways too. It's what marriage is. I think so anyway.

[forshelby]

Queen - thank you.

And Lilias...... I feel relieved hearing that. DP is still acting like all systems are go, which is good. He's still saying things like "we have to do X before bubby arrives" and refering to 'the kids' in the future. I am pleased with that too.

I'm so thankful he's willing to do this to make me happy, but naturally feeling guilty about it.

It's reassuring that he's still on board, and I also forgot to mention that this 'confession of fear' came after several beers. I guess he felt safer discussing it in a slightly drunken haze..... but I find that's usually when he is his most honest. We all are.

I'm scared, too though. I don't think he knows how much. He keeps saying it isn't all sunshine and lollipops. That annoys me, as I'm well aware of that after his reaction to our unplanned pg. Sadly that ended in mc.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I wonder if this will be thrown in my face at the first speedbump in motherhood. You know... "well YOU wanted this so badly, don't cry to me".

I also have fears that if he's not wholeheartedly wanting this child, that he might be withdrawn and unwilling to help out. He's a loving man, but sees things as black and white sometimes.

How was your DH during your pgs and childrens infancy? Particularly the first....

Is it right to do this when I have feelings like this? I believe him when he says he would love our baby...... but will I get the support I need? Generally he is supportive of me, and considerate of my needs/feelings. Sometimes though, he lets resentment build if something bothers him instead of telling me before he snaps, and everything he holds in comes flooding out.

Sorry for the ramble, this is really complicated. Any additional experiences you have would be appreciated.

PS: he is GREAT with his niece and nephew, as well as mine. They all love him and it's so sweet watching him play with the littlest, his 8 y.o niece. He says "look at her little cutie face......" and I can see the father he will be when he smiles watching her play. *sigh...*

[mummylion]

Hi Forshelby,

My DH was very shocked when we I fell pg with our eldest, a honeymoon baby! I don't think that he accepted him until he had seen the scans! Even then, he suffered postnatal depression! It wasn't helped by the fact that I was struggling with breast feeding. Despite that, he did try to hands dirt chnaging nappies unitl DS peed in his face! Which was actually really funny.
he has never really been hands on, and sometimes finds the boys all too much. We have four, from 13 to 5, it is only recently that he has changed into a more 'involved' Dad when he is home. I think this is sadly because we lost our 5th earlier this year.

I'd like to say, try not to worry, we are all scared when we have a baby, whether it's your first or your tenth, every baby brings massive changes to your life, women just deal with it a bit better. Don't expect too much and let DP become involved as he wants to, he will get used to being responsible for a little one.

I remember being at ante natal classes with our eldest, I was 37 weeks pg and all then prospective Dads were asked to say what they would be doing to support their partners once the baby came. All the other men said things like, 'I'm going to share the night feeds,' or 'I'm going to bathe and change the baby to give my P a rest.' My DH smiled and said,'I've bought her a dishwasher and set up an account at the Indian take away!'

I don't think he really got the point but it was worth it to hear the cries of 'how awful!'
To give hime his due though, he did attend a birth a weekend and has managed to support me at four home births.
Really don't worry, he will be fine, being a parent is something you learn through trial and error, as long as you can smile and the children do too, then it's Ok.

Big hugs

[Tegam]

He is willing to make sacrifices. I have made sacrifices for him in other ways too. It's what marriage is. I think so anyway.

I wouldnt get wrapped up in only listening to one part of the conversation last night! Men have different ways of veiwing things and babies are one of them! They dont really "get" what a child is going to be like until you place it in front of them!

As lillis said, marriage is a bit of a barter system, and that is a good thing!

Look at the positives and enjoy!

[Lulu]

I think it's worth pursuing it a little further. Over another beer!

The being petrified part might not be as bad as you think, or he might reveal something that's really important to him and it would be great to have the time to really address that so he doesn't feel petrified about it anymore.

[damprye]

The father of my angels and DS was so against having children he wanted to get the snip but when we fell pregnant he was as excited (if not more) as I was and when we lost the first one he was there for me in every way he could be, he even waited months without DTD because I just couldn't do it again yet and now we have our boy he loves him to death. Turns out he was afraid that he would be like his own Father and that he never had a good male role model in his life.

[forshelby]

Thanks, mummylion... I feel better hearing your experiences. It must have been difficult with your DH not being as involved as you would have liked.

DP is now signing up for extra shifts at work "so we have as much money as possible for bubby." I'm so thrilled at his desire to provide for a baby who doesn't exist yet. That's a great step in the right direction.

And after taking our niece to the zoo on Sunday, he seems really into the idea of being a dad. So much more enthusiastic about it. Probably because he is a great uncle. We talked for hours about what a great time we had. I really loved seeing him go on the kiddy ride with her, too. So cute. It was a nice preview.

Feeling less scared and more excited now.