Hey Gals. I know its been a while. iIt's so nice to catch up on what's been happening. I am in a weird place right now, more on that later, but I wanted to do a couple of perssies....

Murraycod - you are just beautiful girl. How did you FS appointment go? My prayers are with you for emby#2. I feel sad about Harvey....

Sunbeam - that's good news... how are you feeling?

Mo4 - are you feeling a bit stronger? I hope so.

AFM - just when I found some peace with this part of my journey, I discovered some bleeding when at work yesterday afternoon with some clotting. Not AF! Of course my immediate thought was m/c. Any bleeding for me in my previous pgs has been the start of m/c and I have never bled with a large clot this early on before. But when I called my ob he said come in and made an urgent appointment for me. Sweetie. Anyway, I got some news I didn't expect.Things seem ok for now, but who can say with my history? I know there are no guarantees. But the ob must be really worried because after a time, 12 weeks I think, he wants to see me every week. So that's good, that things are ok for the moment, but its a very hard road now for me. I was just getting to a place where I had convinced myself I didn't need to check or expect bleeding when I wiped after going to the loo.... I feel like I am on a precipice and gradually losing my balance.... I remember how I felt when I was miscarring my son Nicholas, and then when he was born, how hard it was to be positive for the surviving twin of that pregnancy, who also m/c 4 weeks later and who is my daughter Sophie. It's so hard because I don't have any happy endings, and if I let myself think about, it scares me witless that I am /c again..... and there is nothing I can do to stop it. it's just so sad. The only thing I can do is try to be thankful for the now, and try not to think about how scared I am, because in all honesty, that is a pretty dark place for me and I don't want to go back until I have to.

Anyway better, go, I am sorry to bring you down, just when everyone was starting to sound a little positive in here. I will keep you updated. You have all been a really strong support base for me and I needed to share my very real fear that yesterday I was going to rejoin you all after such a brief sojourn. Maybe I still will, who knows. Keep my spot warm.