WARNING - Dramatic and somewhat disgusting tale ahead. Skip if you've got MS today!!
After a delicious meal of re-heated leftover rice and chicken, the Domestic Goddess exhales a deep sigh, and empties the remainder into the bin. "Ahh, delicious" she mumbles, noticing she dropped a few pieces of rice on the floor. She bends down to wipe them up......
*dramatic music*
.... but on closer inspection, discovers some of the rice is moving. "That's funny, rice doesn't move." OR DOES IT. To her horror, they aren't grains of rice. Okay, some of them are, but most of them are maggotts. We won't use that word again for the rest of the story as it's just disgusting even to read. Let's call them crawling fairies.
*dramatic music climaxes*
She rushes to her toolbox. (cleaning cupboard) and assembles her arsenal (cleaning products). Bug spray, disinfectant, broom, bucket in case the worst happens. You see the Domestic Goddess is suffering from slight morning sickness. Looks like it's time for her first mummy mission. (doing something incredibly disgusting through sheer neccesity).
One can of bug-spray later, and half a bottle of disinfectant, and the crawling fairies are still on the move. "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!" She screeches, wondering if she'll make it through this ordeal without making an even bigger mess of the place by getting sick. She steps outside for some fresh air. "Okay, get it together. You need to just sweep them up and get them outside!"
*more dramatic music*
She re-enters the house, with a new steely resolve, and broom with little sweepy catcher attachment on the bottom. We'll call it 'The Destroyer'. She surveys the landscape (tiles.) Still crawling. She makes her battle call (large sigh) and gets to work. Sweep, sweep, run outside and dump as far from the house as possible, REPEAT. This continues for a good half hour, while the peasants watch in awe. (furbabies watch with confusion from outside).
Finally, the Crawling Fairies have been banished by The Destroyer, to the land of dirt and dog-poop (the garden). Then she remembers she forgot one important weapon. Acid of Extreme Stench. (bleach). She fetches the bottle, and liberally applies, using her Cleansing Wand for good measure. (squeegee mop).
Suddenly, the King arrives home (DP) and the Domestic Goddess grins a broad grin, and divulges the battle of epic proportions of which she has just undertaken. The King is not so impressed. He wants to know where they came from. "FROM HELL! I have no idea. The wasteland?" (bin) She declares, holstering The Destroyer and The Cleansing Wand as she speaks. (puts her broom and mop in the broom cupboard).
The King takes the Domestic Goddess in his muscular arms, and sweeps her into a romantic embrace. "You've saved the kingdom," (cleaned the entire house) he proclaims, squeezing her tight. He's right. The kingdom is safe from the Crawling Fairies, and the peasants rejoyce. (furbabies are let back inside).
*triumphant theme music*
The End.
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Ok, so I had a rough morning, in case you hadn't all worked that one out. But it really helps to pretend I was some kind of superhero engaging in a mystical battle. It kept me from throwing up, anyway. Back later for persies. But right now, I must rejoyce with the peasants. (furbabies).
LOL......
