Thank you Agelbabies your peoms & songs are so beautiful!!, Rachel, babyjubz , babymiracles & AbbeyB babymiracles, I'm sorry for your loss.. it was recent like mine. Take comfort that we are all here for you. Don't give up.. I won't!!! We are mommies of Angels. How cool is that???
Babyfever: please be safe.....
Plc, AJC, Megsmum, Smi, Jenushka, Mollycat, Dellydoo, WTH, Kritsylove, Hannah, Larz, Jen805, Mannie, Tam, Emmykate, Chappas, Angelbabies, fifi THANK YOU!!!!! ♥
I feel comfort in reading your awesome messages.

Came back from my D&C yesterday night like at 7PM. I was sobbing so bad that the doc preferred to put me to sleep for the D&C... I don't think I could bear listening to that awful machine suctioning my beloved and precious baby out. after I woke up.. I feel empty. I just woke up and my baby bump has disappeared. I feel lonely and like a total failure.

Empty arms, empty womb, and brokenhearted. I am in both physical and emotional pain right now and I'm so sorry if this is so long.... I am ever so thankful to all you friends that have left beautiful such comments..

But please know I am very thankful and every message you send me I feel comfort when I read them
Thank you my dear friends for all your support.

My head is still spinning from the anesthesia still???.

Sucks! The doctor took "fetal tissue" and did blood work.. around next week or the next I will get those results and maybe get answers... and the doctor said it is possible to let me know what the gender of the baby was. ( maybe) So am looking forward to that and I will sure let you know. In the meantime I have to wait a long 2-3 months before I seek "special" medical help to see if I can achieve my dreams of one last biological child. If it is not meant to be then I will adopt in the future. But right now I don't want that I want my own child! My husband and I got referred to a well known specialist .. who treats both PCOS,/ Infertility & patients with recurrent miscarriages ( high risk pregnancies) and he can help me have a baby an help me avoid a miscarriage again. I won;t give up.. I have TTC on hold of course all is so "fresh" still.. I need to heal both physically and emotionally.. in my head the words" you have a non viable fetus" rings in my head over and over and over again... and my knees go weak every time.. when I had the u/s done and the tech said those words.. she put the heartbeat monitor and it was blank... when I stepped out of the room in front of all .. my knees felt weak and I dropped to the floor and just sobbed. I was told to cry.. to cry all I can.. I need to let it all out.. I am waiting for my miracle.. to hold a healthy live, full term baby in my arms.. oh well maybe I might still have a 2009 baby after all... but right now I am allowed to grieve my baby.

Just let me say that even though my pain is unbearable. I am very thankful to all of you.. your tears healed a part of my heart and its funny how this tiny little baby was loved my so many women all over the world too.
So tiny yet the impact he / she already made.

here is a video that describes just all that I feel.

YouTube - My miscarriage

Here are the lyrics:



Slipped Away
Artist(Band):Avril Lavigne

Na na
Na na na na na

I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh

Na na
Na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't ooooooooooooh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh


I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by

Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back

[Chorus]X2

Na na
Na na na na na

I miss you.

hugs to you all and thank you.


Rachel & AbbyB: Here is my PCOS story including my Anglel baby now...

Hi my name is Ruthie and I'm 25. This is my story living with PCOS and losing 3 pregnancies:

I got my period when I was 9... They were extremely painful, heavy and irregular as a teen (and funny that they relate PCOS to obese women.. I was stick thin throughout my entire teens) So PCOS can be on anyone I guess. Well.. we never thought anything about it till 1999 I decided to see a doctor.. my periods were so severe I missed out on school every month!! It was really bad. Well the doc did a blood test to check my hormones and they came out that my "feminine" hormones were low and that "testosterone" (the male hormone) was dominant. that cause me not to ovulate at all.
then he followed by an ultrasound revealing a LOT of water filled cysts on both rather enlarged ovaries. At age 19 I didn't really get what infertility meant. I never thought of it again and continued my life. I met the man who is now my husband in 2000.
We started dating and well in 2003 we got married and I was wondering about "something" a doctor once said. So I decided to go back to the doc after all those years and yup.. still the same. PCOS.
I explained how I was ready for children so doc put me on Clomid and Metformin and a shot too...
I got pregnant first try. But I had many complications due to PCOS.. high blood pressure the whole way which resulted in early delivery of my son at 34 weeks. Thank God he is my true miracle , he is 3 now!
My story just starts there... when he was 8 months I wanted to try for 2 and underwent the same fertility meds.. again getting pregnant first try. but.. unfortunately I miscarried at 6w2d. It was really sad. I didn't handle it well so I didn't even seek medical help till a year later to TTC ( try to conceive) again. ( by the way in all that time my periods were close to nonexistent)
then in June of 2006 I underwent fertility meds again (the same ones) and BINGO!! pregnant agian1!! and again at 6w4d .. my WORST NIGHTMARE AND FEAR! Miscarriage 2.
My heart.. I couldn't take it no more. I just.. I still don't have words to explain how much it hurts. So much!!!
The doctors found out the reason for my miscarriages.. low progesterone. ( related to PCOS?? maybe) SO I just didn't want to see a doc again. So I decided to try again in 2007.
Problem... I skipped Jan-Aug ( my period.. none at all) and finally on Aug 28th I got my freaking period. It LASTED ALL THE WAY TILL OCTOBER 24th!!!!! almost 3 months of HEAVY PAINFUL BLEEDING!! I passed out with extreme anemia. The doctors couldn't believe my case. They said I had the worse PCOS case they have ever encountered.
( Lucky me.. uughhh)
Well the doc was really touched by my story and how desperately I wanted a child.. a sibling for my son.. and she referred me to this specialist.
He said before I even thought of trying he had to regulate my cycles (periods) so he put me on birth control pills for 4 months ( that was the plan at least) and then he would "experiment" with meds.. Can you call me Lab Rat??.. I think that would suit me perfectly.. no gunny pig!!
Guess what??.. I started BC pills and never got my period!! I skipped Nov and got it on Dec...then skipped Jan & Feb 2008 and then on March 1st My period!!!
I kept on using the darn pills and got my period on April.. the doc was ready for me to try again. He put me on 200mg of CLomid (this time the highest dose that's how bad I was) and 1000mg of Metofrmin and a progesterone shot ( so I don.t miscarry again) I started all that on May 21st ( my period) and I used ovulation tests, you name it. I did everything. cycle day 20 came.. I tested.. nothing. cycle day 30 came by.. nothing....cycle day 40 passed by.. nothing!!!!!! cycle day 50 passed by.. NOTHING!! NOTHING!! NEGATIVE NEGATIVE!!! I was at the verge of depression.
OMG cycle day 60 came by..NOTHING!!!
then.. on Cycle day 62.. in the night... I sobbed. no I wept. I felt like my son was most likely to be my only one.
I cried myself to sleep.. so bad hubby even cried. He did everything to help me conceive. nothing.. my heart was just numb. I couldn't even cry anymore. on cycle day 63 like at 6AM I had like 4 pregnancy tests left and I decided to use em.. just for the hell of it! (excuse my language)
I peed on one (first response) As soon as the pee hit the "Test" line.. nothing happened. through blurred eyes (with tears) I threw it in the cabinet and left to bed....
Crying all over again.. my husband hugged me.. and noticed I left the bathroom lights on.. so I got out of bed and went there to turn it off. Something told me to look at the darn tests.. and OMG!!! My eyes couldn't believe what I saw!! 2 lines??.. Is this for real???
so faint... but there. If I say that I cried, laughed and screamed at the same time .. would you believe me???
this was my test that day.. so faint. (here's the pic)
http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/f...2/BFP/good.jpg
I ran to hubby and after turning on the light.. he squinted and said.. well I see "something".
So we went later on that same day to the doc.. and they did a test and confirmed I was pregnant ( 7/22) . So they calculated from my last period ( 5/21) that I was 9 weeks along. I was like..eeerrrrr... no wait. no. I didn't find out till cycle day 63 there is no way I was 9 weeks. So she said ok lets do an u/s. I was so right! Fertility meds and all.. even if I started them on May 24th.. I did NOT ovulate till JULY 1st!!!! ( 200
So as I said I was so right.. the u/s revealed I was barely implanted I was more like 3 weeks close to 4.
Well.. at least my pregnancy was confirmed. But.. the doctor said... test again in a couple of days.. if the lines are faint then we need to see you.
so on Aug 1st I decided to test again and OMG!!!! ( here's the pic)
http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/f...ure001dark.jpg

That was the darkest test I have ever had! So I called the doc and she said.. well you are good to go cuz I gave you progesterone.. I need you to be 8 weeks to do the next ultrasound and actually "see something"

Well I got lucky.. the nurse called me that someone had canceled and she told me to come in on 8/15/08.
Well we talked about my history and all that stuff. At first the doc did a tummy u/s and she didn't see nothing.. so she told me my bladder was full and to go empty it.. ( the fact that she didn't see anything had my brain thinking all sorts of stuff. .. I was in the verge of tears..) So OMG my heart pounding in my throat with anticipation she still had the screen towards her so she did the vag. u/s. she was silent.. then she said "yup" and I looked at her questioningly.. she turned the screen and through blurred eyes with tears I sobbed so hard of joy that I was shaking the bed..LOL
I made the doctor CRY!! HEHEEH
She said she has never had a patient react that way.. and I say you have no idea the pain I went through to finally see this miracle. OMG I'm tearing up!! Sorry...
I thank GOD almighty for blessing me!! Thanks to him he made the CLomid works.. and since I lost my 2 prev babies on week 6 when she told me the baby measures 7 weeks I was overjoyed. That heartbeat. OMG!! What a beautiful sound!It was music to my ears!!
What a great thing it is to finally have this life in side! what a wonderful blessing!!!!

unfortunately on 9/11/08.... my angel grew wings.... I'm devastated all over again. Not my happy ending huh?/.. sniff sniff.. Please God stop my tears!!!!
I was 11w1d but the baby was already dead since week 10. RIP my sweet angel go play with your 2 siblings in heaven. ♥

I will TTC again with a "prinatologist" or high risk pregnancy specialist on Nov or Dec.
Can't wait to finally hold a miracle in my arms. I won't give up! ♥