Although I know that I'm TTC, and it might take a while, I keep catching myself acting as though I'm already pregnant. I'm planning how I would like my next birth to go, I'm stroking my belly in the shower and wondering about what the next baby will look like... and then I'm catching it and have to remind myself that I'm not pregnant yet. I feel like I'm crazy.

Pregnancy is all I think about - I don't even think about Ianto that often anymore Okay, that's an exaggeration, but a lot of how I think of him has to do with how much I want to give him a little brother or sister. I'm terrified about next time AF comes. I know in my head that it could take a long time, especially with my sporadic periods, but I am going to be devestated when she rears her ugly head. I just know that I'm going to beat myself up and feel like a failure.

I was supposed to be arranging a meeting with a SIDS & Kids counseller sometime last week, but no-one has gotten back to me about that. I know I need help, and I thought I would be getting it. they'll get back to me today...

I want something, someone, to distract me from this obsession. No-one in my real life would understand, so I can't quit BB for a while like a part of me tells me I should. You ladies are my rocks, my support system.

I also have a horrible feeling that one of my friends is going to announce she's pregnant soon - the first non-oopsie baby in all the RL people I know around my age. I feel terrible for hoping against hope that she's not...

Thanks so much for reading. No need to comment, I suppose I needed to get it all out.