Although I know that I'm TTC, and it might take a while, I keep catching myself acting as though I'm already pregnant. I'm planning how I would like my next birth to go, I'm stroking my belly in the shower and wondering about what the next baby will look like... and then I'm catching it and have to remind myself that I'm not pregnant yet. I feel like I'm crazy.
Pregnancy is all I think about - I don't even think about Ianto that often anymore Okay, that's an exaggeration, but a lot of how I think of him has to do with how much I want to give him a little brother or sister. I'm terrified about next time AF comes. I know in my head that it could take a long time, especially with my sporadic periods, but I am going to be devestated when she rears her ugly head. I just know that I'm going to beat myself up and feel like a failure.
I was supposed to be arranging a meeting with a SIDS & Kids counseller sometime last week, but no-one has gotten back to me about that. I know I need help, and I thought I would be getting it. they'll get back to me today...
I want something, someone, to distract me from this obsession. No-one in my real life would understand, so I can't quit BB for a while like a part of me tells me I should. You ladies are my rocks, my support system.
I also have a horrible feeling that one of my friends is going to announce she's pregnant soon - the first non-oopsie baby in all the RL people I know around my age. I feel terrible for hoping against hope that she's not...
Thanks so much for reading. No need to comment, I suppose I needed to get it all out.
I totally get how you feel because I felt exactly the same. The reason I think women often feel like this after a stillbirth is that we are Childless Mothers. We have had our baby but we don't have our baby. I think the desire gets stronger and stronger. Everything in your life is poised and ready to give birth and take home your baby and that dream is suddenly ripped away from you. I actually think it's got a lot to do with all the hormones that are released once we give birth telling us we should now be in mummy mode.
I really encourage you to call the SIDS and kids and follow them up. I'm also happy to pm you my number and I can find some quiet time to talk with you.
I was so obsessed with TTC that it caused problems with DH. He said he felt like I was on auto pilot and he felt used. At the time I didn't understand what he was saying but now I get it. The best thing I think is to keep talking. Get it all out and I think you'll find that most of us who've lost babies would have thought exactly the same things at some point.
Oh Teni, I have no real words of wisdom, Spring Angel has said it so well, but I just wanted to give you a big and let you know I do understand how you must be feeling and that I think it is completely normal to feel that way. Spring has said it so well, you've had your baby, but you don't have your baby.
Big, big
xxx
Hi Hun, I feel the same as you! Makes me feel crazy. My Son was stillborn 4 months ago and I am 100% obssessed with falling pregnant. I think I'm driving myself and everyone around me insane! Big hugs to you - take care of yourself X
Oh, goodness, Tysonsmummy, when I saw you'd replied to my thread I thought you were my cousin (who has a son called Tyson too - and strangely enough, he's 4 months old too)
I'm obsessed and it's driving me insane...
Okay, that's an exaggeration, but a lot of how I think of him has to do with how much I want to give him a little brother or sister. I'm terrified about next time AF comes. I know in my head that it could take a long time, especially with my sporadic periods, but I am going to be devestated when she rears her ugly head. I just know that I'm going to beat myself up and feel like a failure.
they'll get back to me today...
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and let you know I do understand how you must be feeling and that I think it is completely normal to feel that way. Spring has said it so well, you've had your baby, but you don't have your baby.
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