hey girls!
firstly - a huge sorry for going MIA!
I had a horrible december and if i thought i felt bad after losing Madison in AUG, my feelings were amplified after jacks Ist angelversary on the 30/11 and then her EDD on the 9th. I seriously thought my broken heart was going to fall right out of my chest. And i cried like i have never before -i thought i was losing my mind. And i am serious when i say that, i got into the darkest place i have ever been. I did'nt want to come on here because i was so negative about EVERYTHING and did'nt want to put that in here, esp as its not who i normally am and i did'nt feel any of you deserved that. And then i could'nt stop thinking about how this was the 2nd christmas in a row to not be home with a new baby and that made the lead into christmas even more traumatic for me. Then the thoughts start about the ultrasounds and how can she have been so on track at the 17 weeks one and it go downhill at the 19 week and then 22 week one. You guys know the thoughts...they just would'nt stop. So no TTC in Dec, i could'nt cope with the thought of even being preg last month and what that would mean we have to go through again. So of course when AF came 2 days ago, it still upset me that Af was here! See my irrational train of thoughts?!? So i was glad to get away for christmas, i had the Kylie concert the night before i left and was so happy to go have a girly night out and not have to worry about anything so i had a ball. Cut to christmas day and i was back to hiding in the toilet and having secret tearys throughout the day. My brother and girlfriend who are preg and due Aust Day were there christmas day and i was ok with seeing her huge belly as this is my brothers first baby and i am excited for him but then she started the sneaking out to have ciggies where my Grandma could'nt see (Brother and his girlfriend are both smokers) and i felt even more emotional and completely sick to the stomach. here she was 36 weeks breathing smoke right onto her babys body and i was so insulted. I do all the right things and still can't have another baby for "unknown reasons" and she is already hurting the one they have!!!! DH knew something was wrong and at at lunch put his hand on my leg and whispered was i ok and i burst into tears in front of everyone. Worse i had not internet no mob reception, nothing!
So now, DH is 50/50 about TTC again and what the future holds for us. i said yesterday it is now or never although never trying again is'nt an option for me i think i was trying some subtle pressure. The DS was talking to me about my friends baby who he could see a photo of on facebook and asked if her baby was dead too and i had to tell him not all babys die and he said well if you has eaten this and done this and drank this you could have a baby too and i expalined i did all the right things but i could'nt help our babys. i was getting upset and asked him to talk to his dad about it so then the next day DH tells me that Ds went up and said he needed to stop drinking alcohol and he was too fat (DH has a belly on him) and that was making our babies die. So i am not sure what is going throught his little mind to be thinking things like that...
As for you guys -ther are a few new to me who i will have to get to know so i am sorry this is your intro to me!!! i really hope you find this site the blessing i have!
I had ALOT to read through and cannot believe how quickly these tickers seemed to have moved! That in itself is really exciting!!!I really hope them moving alot is bringing some renewed hope and comfort to you! Some new babies to this forum are not that far away!
i also read with much interest about the psychic readings. I have a strong belief in them and if you remember the one i see predicted i was preg with Madison and told me to do the test, (so i went home did one and was!), said she could see me surrounded by pink (she was a girl), said i would be due late in the year /early new year (her EDD was 9/12/08), said we would be away for christmas (we ended up away) and in her tarot cards 2 days before THE ultrasound the death card was the first card out of the pack, 2nd was the scales -deciding what to do and 3rd out was a heartbreak card. I am going to hopefully see her again very soon and so will let you know how she goes.
Laney -i am sending you an email!
hope all is ok with you all otherwise! i have alot of time off this month so will be stalking here daily again!
hope you understand my timeout reasons -was'nt deserting you all! Funny how you guys ask after me and double check on things but a few friends who i needed over christmas just were not there at all. My horoscope said i wuld be cleaning out some friends this year!
xxjo