Well I'm back from Byron, I had such a good weekend. The GF I went with is my closest friend and just happened to be visiting from Melbourne when we lost Charlie so she was here and went through that time with me. She is such a good friend and whilst there were plenty of tears over this past weekend, we also managed to have some girlie giggles as well. She came specifically at this time because it is EDD time for me. Charlie was due on the 16th of October and she booked this trip ages ago so she could come up and make sure I was doing ok and coping with everything.
I have read all your posts about feeling really negative towards others at time and I can totally relate. My other really close GF who also lives in Victoria did not acknowledge Charlie at all, no card, no flowers, no nothing. She left a couple of messages at the time saying she was going away on holidays and hoped I was ok and would call when she got back. She was only going on a holiday within Victoria, its not like she was going to the north pole. I have spoken to her once since losing Charlie and she barely asked about it at all. As you all know I recently graduated which was a huge deal for me, especially after what I have gone through and I have not heard anything from her. She would not even realised I am now a lawyer and started my first 'lawyer' job last week. Then to cap it all off I got a txt msg from her last night going on about how she just completed a mini triathlon and what an achievment she thinks it is. I couldn't even bring myself to txt back. Normally I would be so excited at such an achievment but it just made me realise we are no longer friends. Its a bit sad after having been best friends for nearly 20yrs but I guess its just what happens as you grow older and experience the ups and downs of life. Some friends truly are there through thick and thin and others are not.
Anyway, as I said, I had a great weekend and am now gearing up for me 2nd big week of work.
Katie, I had a tear in my eye reading your post about the car seat. I wanted to say thank you for sharing it with us though because these are not things we would think about ttc or early in a PG and now that you have spoken about it, the rest of us can know that it is likely to happen and be a little bit more prepared.
This really is a wonderful support group and I thank you all for sharing yourselves so openly, how wonderful it is to know that even at our *****iest we are still normal!!
Have a great week everyone and even if I don't have time to post until the end of the week I will definitely be checking in on you all.
I've gotten out of bed at 6am to send e-mails to my boss and project leader saying I'm not coming to work today, as I haven't slept the entire bloody night. I'm a bit wound up about it being Beiron's EDD today and about some spotting and cramping I've had since yesterday, about the approaching 17 week mark, and even about the release that was due today that I now won't be finishing. Super-insomnia strikes again. Bah, and now one of the cats is whining obnoxiously and keeping DH awake... little rascal.
Paula, I've had to reevaluate many of my friendships since losing Beiron, as it casts a new light on almost every relationship I have. It hasn't been flattering for the three girlfriends I thought I had -- they were all three bridesmaids at our wedding last August -- but on the other hand I got to be very impressed by another new friend and my SIL in a way that I'm very grateful I got to see. It sounds like the lady you've gotten the chance to see what a good friend you have in the lady you went to Byron with, so there's a positive counterpart to the triathalon lady.
Katie -- it was moving to read about your reaction to the car seat, especially what you said about not getting to raise all your children. I know it hurts that what you've been through "corrupts" your happy memories, like DH's excitement from last time. But I hope that when your baby comes that she can turn that around for you again; that you can more easily think about Nathaniel with a soft smile in place of some of the pain.
Laney -- glad to hear your BFPs are getting stronger. It's great that you're seeing the OB straight away.
Cindee -- Jebus on a scooter, people can be stupid... I hope you can put her out of your head!
I'll have to catch everyone else later, as I think I need to lay down again, perhaps after getting something to eat. Back later.
ill try not to let her in my head, she just ruined my day, it was going really well my DS had the biggest smile on his face all day cos he got his pony ride.. its amazing something so simple can make someones day, then some old ***** goes and ruins it.
Cindee, that woman is a total beeyotch. She should go hang out with the one who told Jo she should be thankful with two healthy kids. Maybe they can build a fire and start dancing around it too. I just saw your ticker... when's your 12wk scan???
Katie, what an rollercoaster you are heading for. Paula's right, we are lucky to have you share your experiences with us so we can kind of prepare ourselves for our next pregnancies. I feel like crying reading about yours and DH's car seat experience. Be strong Katie, Nathaniel knows just when you need him the most and he'll be with you and get you and DH and his little sister through it all.
Tildy, a HUGE hug to you for Beiron's EDD and the very very scary 17wk milestone. And more cramping and spotting? Give the woman a break!!! Just think, it's not long now till your 19wk scan. Are you still using the Doppler?
Paula: I hope you are nice and refreshed... I had a friend like yours too... I still sometimes feel sad. When I lost my first angel baby girl in May 2005 I came home from hospital to find messages on the answering machine to tell me what an awful friend I had been over the past couple of weeks (prior) as she was going through her second divorce and I apparently hadn't been available enough... I didn't even bother to reply - I realised very painfully at that moment that our friendship had always been about her - and whilst I was always around to listen and to prop her up I was a "good friend" but when I needed it she was no where to be found. I still find that painful at times but I have learnt that no matter how much history you have with someone sometimes you just have to let go... It's hard and I am sorry you are going thru this but I can tell you have come to that letting go too...
hi girls,
i am so happy i just had to write!
I just got a phone call from the american urn company at 1.30 in the morning. Dh almost did'nt answer and i suddenly had a lightbulb moment and said it could be the urn company calling me back! FINALLY!!!!!!
So I have ordered 2 of my perfect urns and right now i feel like i am floating on air! Ridiculous, because i would'nt be buying them if we had'nt lost 2 children but i have had my heart set on them so much that i am so happy we were able to get what we wanted for them to rest in!
They are a wooden box to put their ashes in and then there are 3 building blocks (like the old school kids ones with the alphabet) that are made up of their intitals that sit on top in pastel colours (MRM and JNM) and we also get to engrave a plate with whatever we want also!
The lady was so lovely and apologised for waking me up when i could've have hugged her through the phone for calling me back, esp to Australia! Apparently the design is exculsive to them so that is why i can't find it anywhere else!
ok, better go back to bed!
i wrote to all a big email yesterday afternoon but i could'nt post it for some reason at all and then lost it, so will do this afternoon after work!
take care girls!
xjo
Jo, I am glad that you have found the perfect urns. They told me not to get an urn for Shelby that there wouldn't be enough ashes. I bought a small pendant that hangs in a glass dome. Of course there were a bunch of ashes so now I also have to find an urn for her. I hanven't been able to/wanted to look yet. My mom took care of the pendant for me.
Tildy, I will be thinking of you and your little Beiron today. Get lots of rest and be kind to yourself. Will you have another ultrasound soon to check on your little bub or will you wait until 20 weeks?
Paula, I know those EDD are very difficult. I am glad that you have someone close to help you get through it.
Katie, you are getting so close. Try to keep your chin up and stay positive. I am sure there are going to be many more moments in the next couple of weeks that are going to bring back memories. Just be sure to be excited too and make new and great memories.
As for me, my OB appt. went pretty well. I went and had blood work done. I will go back in 3 days to make sure my HCG levels are going up as they should. They put STAT on my blood work slip so they should have the results back later today. They already made me an ultrasound appointment for 2 weeks from now.
The difficult thing is that I cry as soon as they take me back to a room to wait for the doctor. My doctor has to think that I am crazy by now. Even if I hold off the tears for a few minutes they come streaming back as soon as I see the doctor. It just brings back too many memories of Parker and Shelby. I was going to change doctors. I thought it might help to have a fresh start in a new office. I didn't change because I really like my doctor and he knows who I am without looking at my chart first.
its amazing something so simple can make someones day, then some old ***** goes and ruins it.
I understand too...
as you remember Beiron...
I didn't even bother to reply - I realised very painfully at that moment that our friendship had always been about her - and whilst I was always around to listen and to prop her up I was a "good friend" but when I needed it she was no where to be found. I still find that painful at times but I have learnt that no matter how much history you have with someone sometimes you just have to let go... It's hard and I am sorry you are going thru this but I can tell you have come to that letting go too... 
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