Trying To Conceive After Stillbirth/Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage August 2008

hey guys!
well another week is almost over and unfortuneatly next week is another dreaded one. i have worked so many hours this week over what i normally do now and i think my poor throat has copped the brunt of it as it has been sore for days!
Next week, or thursday specifically, is my appointment to get the results for madison and my tests. I called the midwife (who was called to be with me after madisons scan) to confirm the appoint and she was just wonderful trying to calm my nerves. I don't get to see the monash (female) doctor who was with me after madison also as she is overseas. Even tho that day was my only dealing with her, i started to cry when the midwife told me that i would have a male doctor going through my results with me. She said personally and professionally he had a wonderful bedside manner and was really gentle so it put me a little more at ease. She also said if i felt uncomfortable at any time and wanted to wait to see my female doc then i could arrange another sppointment, it would just take more time to get in. So i will have to try to be extra strong as i can't afford to wait any longer than this 7.5 weeks. It will drive me nuts! So thursday girls, i will be going mental by then....prepare yourselves!
My headspace has become a little out of wack too. We had a cryingnewborn in the shop today and it bought tears to my eyes, not because it was crying and the mum was still shopping(:wall:) but because i would do ANYTHING to hear that cry in my own arms again! It made me realise that in all this hurt i still have for madison that i do really want to try for another baby. I could see one of our girls watching my reaction out of concern so i knew i had to get my act into gear! It was a really busy day, i could'nt afford to have a meltdown!
as for you guys, for me it has been so busy in here. Next week i will endeavour to even in my long hours exhaustion to be on here again daily as i feel i have missed so much!
So to you all i'm gonna be lazy - as i need to re-read your posts to get my head around all thats going on - please take care and i promise some one on one time next week!
Helen - a shout out to you tho - a faint positive is still a positive so hold tight to your dreams and wish hard for that line to get darker! i'll have my fingers crossed for you! i too have practically gone cross eyed trying to squint at a pale line! But most of the time i have tested and tested to check that it gets darker and even after its dark, i still obsessively do more in case it vanishes! And that was me BEFORE i had any losses so you can imagine what i have been like after that!:doh:
take care girls! you were'nt the only one having a horrid tea hammi -i had lousy fish and chips! Nothing in my cupboard either!
take care and have a fab weekend !!
x jo

Hi all. I am in Brisbane and will just write a quick response to Helen and then come back tomorrow with more personals.

I waited about 4 days after AF was due to test - it was early afternoon and very very weak urine and I got a BFN. I was gutted as I kind of though that being so late would mean a positive. I then tested again the next morning with FMU and I got a faint (very faint) positive. I tested again the following morning (with 2 tests - so far all the same brand) and once again got a faint positive. I then went and saw the GP 1 week after AF was due and this was an early afternoon appointment and the test once again only came up with a faint positive. She took a blood sample and told me that if it would help to test over the weekend just to ease my worry. So I did (using Discover Onestep) and I finally got a strong BFP - a whole week after AF. The bloods came back on the Monday and confirmed I was pregnant. I waited until after AF because I didn't want the disappointment of knowing early if it was a BFN and I also didn't want to know about a chem preg. Maybe wait a couple of days and test again using a different brand. Fingers crossed you finally get that strong line!!!

Also, went to the Ob today and happy to report that my blood pressure is normal, babys' heartbeat is good, still head down and growing well. Mark even said that she felt like a good size - though not sure if that translates as 'big'. He also said the chance of going into labour this week in Brisbane is about 1% so hopefully it will stay that way.

Hugs to you all. Jo - glad to hear you survived your week at work and I hope you are taking care of yourself. Let me know if you want those test names mailed or faxed to you before Thurs - I can get my DH to do it for me - there are pages of them.

Wow Katie, 34 weeks today. Does it feel like you're on the downward slope yet? I hope that your mum is as comfortable as she can be and that you'll have an uneventful week in Brisbane. Take care!

Jo, I will be sending you loads of telepathic love and support for Thursday. My Hamish had hypercoling of the umbilical cord. Maybe you can add that to your list of things to ask about Madison. I remember you said that she was small in size - Hamish was about two weeks behind because of his stupid cord. I hope that they will give you an answer and a remedy so that your next pregnancy will deliver a screaming little babe in September 2009.

I need to shut my mouth and stop complaining when there is no reason. After whinging last night about not being able to go out, karma smacked me in the face. DH felt worse and worse. He went to the bathroom and I heard a big bang. I ran in there to find him sprawled on the ground *** warning TMI coming up *** He had passed out and thrown up everywhere. But the way he had fallen, his head was crushed up against the wall and bleeding and his neck was twisted at a really bad angle. He was unconscious but his throat made a scary gurgling sound. I truly thought he was having a fit and would die and leave me like Hamish did. Even though he weighs about 30kg more than me I somehow managed to drag him up so I could clear his airway while bawling my eyes out and screaming for him to wake up. He did come to and today he is much better although very pale, with a massive bruise and cut on his head and a very sore neck. Of course he won't got to a doctor. I'm just thankful he's alive. Sorry karma.

Oh Hammi you poor darling. Karma doesn't work that way - you didn't invite this in so don't think that. :comfort:

You did the right thing but he really does need to see a doctor. You would have had a terrible fright. Try to encourage him to see a doctor - take care of him over the weekend. Sending you lots of love. :hug:

Oh my God Lan!!!! That would have scared the absolute crap out of me! I second that he should really go and see a doctor though!

Katie - Thanks for your bit about the tests it has made me feel a bit more at ease. I wish your mum all the best, I am sure she is already feeling better just by having you by her side. Again don't hesitate to PM me if you need some time out, no pressure though!

Paula - Thanks to you to, I have just spent most of the day in the garden, kept my mind of the whole thing.

Jo - Thanks too, I will be mentally holding your hand on Thursday, I hope they can give you some answers. You are sooo brave.

Sue - Thank you, you guys have made me feel better, and ultimately what will happen will happen. I will think about seeing another DR I used to see at the clinic, but I REALLY want to see my DR!!! (I think it is the whole feeling 'safe' thing)

Anyway have to fly

Hi to everyone else!!!

Checking in from Spain because I need a little bit of you guys to keep sane.

Lan! What is it with men! That's crazy that he won't see a doctor!

Crossing my fingers for stronger, darker BFPs for Helen.

Jo... *hug* Keep your chin up, if that's possible. We're with you.

hi girls!
what a last 24 hours we have all had!
Hammi - i would have had a heartattack! I hope by now you have dragged his butt to the doc for a checkup! men and their pride! grrrr! i hope you also have relaxed a bit after the experience! And thanks for reminding me about hamish! I'll have to write it all down so if i hit a rut i can get out of it!
katie - will pm you my address again! Hope your mum is doing ok and you are taking care of yourself too!

sorry for lack of personals again but i am at mum and dads! i had a horrible day at work - it was quiet due to melb screaming to a halt due to the footy final but a girl who is preg came in with a friend unexpectedly and due to my mind frame the last few days threw me for a loop and i spent 10mins out the back in tears. Not for any reason - all i said was hello but i caught sight of her belly and that was it. (i have spoken about her before - she lost a baby at 10weeks the same day i did with jack and was 3 weeks behind me in this preg) i am happy that they are getting by but for some insane reasoning inside my head she is the one person i cannot bear to see preg and i have'nt gone to 3 parties now because she would be there. So now i have been wracked with feeling horrible as i basically ignored her! i rang my dh who said she would be excited and would'nt mean anything and i said i knew that and i kept crying and he said he did'nt know what to say, which then bugged me more. i hate that he does'nt get it, it makes it so hard! so then all i could think about was all of you cos i knew you would!
take care girls! esp you preggie ones!:dance:
x jo

Ok couldn't help myself tested again this morning and it was a bit stronger:D YAY, am feeling a bit better about it now.

How is everybody??

woo hoo, go the BFP!!

wo-hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! great to hear about the darker line!:dance::dance::dance:

Hi girls,

I'm not quite sure how these threads work however I will do my best. I'm writing this as I need some support. I have recently suffered my 4th miscarriage and I am feeling pretty low. To give you a bit of background, my partner and I started TTC in Feb 2007. 5 mths later I'm pregnant and just as soon as I got the BFP I lost it. This happened again in Dec 07 however that time I made it to 7wks. I got pregnant 2 mths later and at the 9wks scan there was no feotal pole only an empty sac, a "blighted ovum" in old terminology. I got pregnant again in June this year but only got to 6wks. I am currenlty seeing a FS at Repromed, and they have done some testing. Tests came back that I am ANA positive and they suspect that I might have some type of immune disorder causing blood clots. I have an appointment with a immune specialist and the W & C hospital in Oct, I'm also awaiting the results of an edometrial biopsy as well. I have been told to start taking low dose aspirin. I'm so frustrated and scared at the same time. No one except my closest friends know what I'm going through and I'm so sick of people asking me I'm going to start having a family. ARRRGGHHH I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that there is other women out there who understand how much this hurts. I have been reading your posts and have much admiration for how you all have dealt with your experiences, some that I can not even fathom. If anyone can share with me a positive view on my circumstances I would be greatful. Cheers for letting me vent :) lanie

Hi girls and goodmorning,

Hoping everyone had a good weekend?

Jo - I will be thinking of you on Thursday and hoping you get answers in regard to your angel Maddison.

Katiegirl - Glad your Ob appointment went so well. How is your mum???

Lan - You poor thing with your DH - man I would be making him go to the Dr and get checked out. Bloody men, sometimes they should think about us and if something happens to them, and how we cope with it.

Tildy - Hoping you are having a fantastic time in Spain. How is everything going with you?? anymore bleeding??

Helen - Yippee for a darker test and I am so glad you are feeling better about it all.

A big hello to anybody else I have missed and hoping all is well with you all.

Well with me, I am so so tired today, yesterday was a big day. Had MIL 60th birthday function at lunch (left home at 10.45 am) and then we raced to a wedding in the afternoon and got home around 11.30am. So glad I have this week off from work to recover!!!

Havent had anymore bleeding and the diarrhea seem to have settled also. Have my scan on Wed, so I have my fingers crossed that they find a beautiful strong heartbeat. Though I still only count this as stage 2 (stage 1, getting pregnant), as I saw a beautiful strong heartbeat at my last pregnancy. Stage 3 is to get to 12 weeks and have a good scan etc and the stages continue......

xxx Sue xxx

Wow, the weeks always seem so BIG here. This weeks events being Jo's appointment on Thurs and Sue's scan on Wed. Sorry if there are other events I've forgotten but you girls are particularly on my mind this week.

And welcome to Lanie, I am so sorry for all your losses, I can only say that it sounds like you might be getting closer to an answer with all the tests etc going on for you at the moment. You'll find all the women here amazing and super supportive so at least moving forward you know you have people who understand what you're going through and can support you through those first few months of pregnancy when you are not able to tell anyone but want to talk to people who appreciate how scared you are feeling.

As for me I finally had my graduation ceremony on Saturday and am now officially a lawyer. I sat through the ceremony with tears rolling down my face and whilst it was an incredibly happy and proud moment for me I also paid a very high price with my MC and then losing Charlie all whilst I was completing my degree and for some reason I couldn't seem to think about anything else on the day. My family had arranged a big dinner and celebration and yet I kind of felt like just being by myself and reflecting on the past 2 years. I ended up having the dinner and it was really nice but today I am having quiet time at home and have felt like I really needed it.

Lets hope 2009 is a successful baby making year for me.

Hoping you are all well today... loving the tickers!!

Welcome Lanie I wish you never had to join us here, but be assured, you will get HEAPS of support here!
Paula - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!! and I am glad you are having some quiet time today. 2009 WILL be a wonderful year for you, fingers crossed it will be for all of us.

Mrs Robbo - Congratulations on becoming a lawyer. It is an amazing achievement and you should be very proud of yourself. I can understand reflecting over the years to finally have this degree and what you have lost. 2009 will be your year.

Welcome Lanie to our group. I am so sorry you have to join us here, but I look forward to getting to know you.

I am also a repromed girl. They are an amazing team, the nurses are amazing, especially Paula, she is my favourite. Are you in Adelaide? I have had every type of test, but unfortunately mine have come back all completely normal, which is frustrating as you want something to be wrong, so you can fix it.

Even with my current pregnancy (4th), Repromed have been amazing (and it was natural, no help from them). They have run tests for me and because I feel so comfortable with them, I am having my first ultrasound with them.

I wish you all the best.

xxx Sue xxx

Hammi - Where are you?? Is everything OK? After your DH's fall I am a bit worried.

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for welcoming me into your group. I also wish I never had a reason to join!!!!!
Sryan, I have found repromed good and bad, my first specialist Dr Mudge debated with me that my first pregnancy was a miscarriage and even after my third when I specifically asked for blood work to be done he denied there was further tests I could do. I really am upset about that becuase when I met with Dr McClean she told me that considering I'm young and so many m/c's I probably should have been tested.

Dr McClean has been absolutely brilliant, she has taken a step back and looked at my general health and from that links are starting to be established. It just frustrates me that policy and procedures and all that red tape prevented me from accessing medical help which may have prevented the outcome of my last m/c. Sigh...... Sorry I could rant and rave but it won't get me anywhere!! lol.

I am currently in the two week wait and could't be more excitied about the prospect that I am doing things different this time and that theres a little more hope!

I wish you every success for your appt on Wed!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for all being so lovely, can't wait to keep you posted with the events that will unfold over the next two weeks :D

P.S If someone has a blood clotting disorder and has used heparin and aspirin could you please tell me what it's like
P.P.S I don't know how to put up those thingy's to let you know my age so I'll just type it in

Me 28 My fiance 26!!

Hi Lani,

I'm on aspirin and heparin (may/may not have clotting disorder, long story) and it's fine. I don't feel any different, the only bad thing is my stomach has bruises from the injections, but then I always bruised really easily anyway. Other than that I don't have any side effects and once you get used to injecting yourself it becomes second nature.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriages :(
We've all done the 'what ifs', hard not to, but in the end as you say it doesn't get you anywhere.

Sue, good luck for Wednesday!!

Helen, official and confident congrats!!!

Lan, you are next!!! BFPs seem to be contagious in here, so stick around!!!

Tildy, hope you are in a better place than the weekend. Big hugs.

Paula, congrats on being a lawyer!!! I understand it being a bittersweet moment for you, I'm sure we all think of our angels when something significant happens in our lives.

Jo, hope all goes well for your appointment, I'm sure you have lots of questions to ask. I look forward to a debrief, I'm sure with all our different experience someone will probably have a similar story.

Katie, I hope your Mum is doing well. I'm sure having you and your lovely big belly there is a boost for her.

As for me, everything is going well. Last time I had a bleed on last Friday (am on the same week schedule this time), no sign of it yet which I know medically means nothing, but psychologically it's important. Anyway, it's after 8pm, time for bed!!!!

Love Rozzie

Here I am, alive and kicking! :p

Thank you for all your lovely posts of concern and preggers Helen for checking up on me.:grouphug:

DH is OK. He does a lot of martial arts and he said all the conditioning he's done on his neck over the years probably saved him from a more serious injury. I told his parents and his mum said that his dad tends of pass out when ill too. And yes, he still refuses to see a doctor but I'm watching him.

So Helen....
:hooray::hooray::hooray: and can I say "I told you so" now? I TOLD YOU SO :lol:

Hello Lanie, I'm sorry for all your losses but you'll not only find the women here extremely supportive but on a pretty good roll with :bfp: I'm hoping I'll catch the sticky baby bug in December.

Rozzie and Tildy, how will we celebrate your promotion to 2nd tri after next week. Simultaneous consumption of ice-cream?

Katie, hope everything is OK in Brisbane. Is it weird seeing your belly wobble? Have you seen little imprints of baby parts against your skin? I've heard of that but never actually seen it.

Jo, how are you coping with Thursday looming. Will DH be with you? We will.

Sue, only two sleeps till your scan then you'll see a big thumping heartbeat and know that you've got one less milestone to worry about. Yay! :crossfingers:

Paula, congratulations on becoming a lawyer. All the more for getting through that hefty degree with all the heartbreaks you've faced. You're awesome!

Flowerchild, thanks for your comforting words. You're like a hot chocolate, once a while you come by and bring calm, comfort and understanding. Thank you.

Good morning girls,

Hoping everyone is well. It is an absolutely gorgeous day in Adelaide and I am on holidays..... yippee.

Anyway Lanie, so sorry to hear about your experiences at Repromed. Dr Mudge I have not seen, but before he went to Repromed, my friend had him as her Ob and thought he was good.

I am seeing Prof Norman who is an older gentleman, but is quite mondernised in his approach. I am also on asprin, but I dont have the blood clotting disorder, but he thought it wouldnt harm me to take asprin as I seem to bruise and the bruises stay a long time. I am also on Metformin, which is used for insulin resistance.

I wish you all the best in your 2ww. I hope to hear some good news.

It is funny that when I increased my metformin tablets and started taking asprin, I seemed to have gotten pregnant naturally. Maybe there is something in that.

A big hello to everyone else.

xxx Sue xxx

Lan - You are a cheeky bugger! But thanks for telling me so!

Lanie - go into your profile and edit your signature, you can add all your info there.

Sue - I will be thinking of you tomorrow, 1st of the month, sounds like a great day to have a great scan. Now make sure you get some sleep!

Big congratulations both to Helen and to Paula. I'm really happy for both of you.

Welcome, Lanie. I hope we can get to know you and help you through good and bad times.

Yes, Sue, unfortunately I've had more bleeding, so Spain hasn't been fun. This time the bleeding and clot-passing and pain haven't stopped like they have before, so I'm currently just crossing my fingers to get through the plane ride and everything, getting home about 12 hours from now, without anything happening. I wasn't able to get in to a doctor before this coming Friday morning. I just so wish I knew what a healthy pregnancy was supposed to be like and feel like so that I could seperate between what I'm feeling that's normal and what's not.

What a great 3 weeks off of work -- bleeding, worrying, bleeding, worrying, rushing the cat to the vet right before leaving for Spain, and a week of rain, rain, rain in Spain while Sweden was sunny and warm for the first time in a month and a half. :( I'm not a happy Tildy.

Oh Tildy, I hope everything settles down for you and you have an uneventful trip back home. I don't know what else to say.
Hugs

hi everybody hope everthing is well. been dealing with sick kids so havent been able to get on the computer. anyway seen my ob the other day things are going ok so far. still pretty scared though. but such is life, anyway id better go..
xxxx cindee

Hi everyone. I have been reading but not had the time to post. Thank you for all your lovely messages of support for my mum. She is doing ok and we will know more when she sees the surgeon on Friday. At the moment we are waiting to find out if she will need chemo as well as radiation.

Sue - good luck with your scan today. I have been thinking of you this week and I will say a prayer that all goes well and you are given a wonderful boost of confidence and hope when you see our little one's heartbeat.

Helen - huge congratulations. I kept looking at your chart thinking how good it looked...and we were all right!!! I wish you a healthy and uneventful 9 months and I hope we can all help you through what may be some tough milestones.

Lanie - I am very sorry to read of the losses of your babies. I hope you find wonderful support, understand and comfort here as you begin your TTC journey again. Here's hoping the 2WW does not feel too long for you. Welcome. :hug:

Tildy - I am so sorry that you have had another scare especially as you have been away in Spain and not able to see your dr. I am hoping and praying like mad that this is another haematoma and your dr will once again give you the all clear. Maybe you will need to take another rest break from work, as I am sure this holiday has been anything but relaxing. Take care and I hope the journey home is uneventful. Please let us know how you are when you get back to Sweden. :hug:

Cindee - sorry to hear you have had sick children to deal with. Great news that your your preg is going well. Stay positive but lean on us if you need some extra support.

Lan - glad to hear your DH is ok but how typical of men to not seek help. It does my head in every time. My DH would rather complain about a headache than simply take a tablet! Men....aagghhhh December is not far away - so your TTC journey will begin soon. That is exciting!

Paula - congratulations on your graduation. It is a massive achievement especially given the heartbreak you have also had to deal with. It is only natural that your graduation has bought up memories. I know I found this to be the same this year, when I would realise that I should have been holding my baby at the same time. It is only natural that you relate things back to what 'should have been' and that it hurts all over again. Take care and take pride in all that you have achieved.

Rozzie - wow 13 weeks. Well done. Passing milestones are wonderful! I have several - 12 weeks (for obvious reasons) 14 weeks (because that is when I had a bleed with Nathaniel), 15 weesk (because that is when they believe he passed away) and 20 weeks (because that is when we found out at the scan). It is a wonderful feeling to pass those milestones and to also realise that your baby is a different child and is doing things differently. :hug:

Jo - I had my DH express post to you on Monday the tests that I had done earlier this year. so I hope you received them. Good luck with your appointment tomorrow.

Have I missed anyone? If so, huge apologies.

As for me, I am doing well. The baby is moving well and I love seeing my belly move around. I don't think I can tell body parts yet, but there are definite bumps and hard bits sticking out. Poor thing must be getting squashed. I fly back on Friday and we have a party that night and then friends' staying Saturday night and going out to dinner with them - why I do this to myself I will never know. I am guessing by Sunday or Monday I will crash! Just know I am taking good care of my little girl and it is starting to sink in how close her arrival is. I am wanting to get back home as the nesting is finally starting to happen and I want to get everything ready. Alright off to make my mum a cup of tea. Have a lovely day everyone. :grouphug:

Oh no Tildy. I hope it is just the haematoma. Please let us know when you're home.

Good luck with your scan today Sue.

:stickyvibesboy::stickyvibesgirl: to you both.

Super hugs to Jo for tomorrow.

:grouphug: to you all.

hi guys!
katie - you and your mum have continued to be in my thoughts! I am glad you are taking care of yourself but as usual you have a mountain of things happening in your social life! be careful ok! And i got your package yesterday - as least i have somnething to make comparisons to with mine! thanks to you and your dh for doing that for me!
hammi - glad your dh is going ok! and how are you going??? anymore on the house hunting yet?
lani - its horrible that you have to join us in this way but we are all here for each other so please be welcomed! wishing you the best of luck on your 2ww!
sue -will be thinking of you today -can't wait to get on tonight and see how you went!!!! i know what you mean about stages, every little thing for us is another hurdle jumped over. its what scares me about "next time" - i now have a 1000 hurdles to pass before i get past the big one for me which will be at 5.5months when madison passed! I was bad with her preg after Jack!you have been so positive so far! keep in that mindframe!
tildy -am worried about you! Try to get in to see the doc before fri if poss -call you never know! keep us updated! Just get home and put your feet up!
mrs robbo -:dance: good for you! thats so exciting! congrats on your graduation! Know that you need to have a moment of pride as it is such a huge thing to have achieved. your angels would have been looking down on you! Don't do what if's -they will tear you apart!(try not to -we all do!) and 2009 is just around the corner!
rozzie -so happy all is going well for you!

as for me -thurs is all i can think about and i laid in bed last night thinking that tonight will be my night before etc. i am nervous, a bit scared and glad it is finally here so i can hopefully get something! i pick up her ashes tomorrow also so it is a big day all round! Dan won't be with me but i'll be driving straight back to mums after so i'll have an offload then. So now its not just seeing monash its getting her ashes, as i have never forgotton my immense horror and heartache at hearing jacks ashes swishing around as i carried it. i was a little annoyed tho as the funeral place had said they would call me when they had come in from Lilydale crematorium as they had organised it so i would'nt have to go there again and i had been leaving calling them as i thought they would call ME. But too much time had passed and i called them yesterday and the lady goes 'oh yes they are here" like i had asked if i had ordered something in! So it annoyed me that i did'nt call earlier and have her back at home with jacks. GRRR!
anyway -will check in later for sue!
take care guys! Hope i did'nt miss anyone!
x jo
p.s cindee -knew i had left someone out! hope you are taking some timeout for yourself with all your sick kids! its hard work so look after you too!

Good morning all,

Tildy - You poor thing with the bleeding. It must be so stressful, especially being away and not being able to get reassurance. Hope with be thinking of you and hoping all is OK.

Rozzie - understand about the psychological thinking of it all, I feel that when I start to feel comfortable about the pregnancy, something happens. Like last time, I got to 12 weeks and right on the dot of 12 weeks, I had bleeding and that was it.....

Jo - thinking of you....

Helen - How are you feeling??? has it sunked in yet??? I am so happy for you.

Katiegirl - make sure you look after yourself, you have special cargo in there and try and get as much rest as possible. Will be thinking of you and your mum on Friday...

A big hello to Lan, Cindee and Lanie, hoping all is well for you all.

Well with me, very nervous today.... Can't stop thinking about it and preparing myself for the worse. I dont know how I will cope if they can't find a heartbeat.

and of course I am concerned with everything, like the last few days my bb's arent as sore, I havent put on any weight at all etc etc.

I know I am being silly, but I suppose today is the telling story and in some ways I want to go and in others I dont. My appointment is not until 5.30 pm, so I have a long wait ahead of me....

Going mad.......

xxx Sue xxx

Tildy, I wish you were home and could get in to see someone straight away. It sounds like you had such a terrible time and just need to be home and comfortable. I will keep everything crossed that all is ok. I wish there was more I could do!

Sue... 5:30pm... omg you poor thing. That is going to be an horrendous wait... for all of us!! I am wishing and hoping with all my powers that you get good news and come out feeling reassured. I am sure you will but I know how you must be torn between hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Again, I will have everything crossed.

Jo... let's hope you get some 'good' news tomorrow. I guess any kind of explanation will help a little. I can't believe you didn't get a call about Madison's ashes. Try not to get too upset about it, she will be home with you and her family soon and that is all that matters. I hope it doesn't sound morbid but I often get Charlie's ashes out when I am home by myself just to spend time with her. I always thought people who kept loved ones ashes were a bit weird but now I know better!

As far as I go I am expecting Charlie's death certificate to arrive in the mail today or tomorrow. We had a similar situation to Jo with the funeral place not calling us to say it had arrived. The first we knew it was in was a nasty letter they sent us asking why we hadn't collected it and that we owed them the $30 it cost them to order it for us. As if we wouldn't have picked it up immediately if they had called us. It was like they were suggesting we had deliberately not picked it up to avoid paying the $30... what a joke. Anyway, of course we paid the $30 straight away and they are posting the certificate out to us. I just couldn't go back there to pick it up, especially after the letter they sent.

Otherwise, all is good and I'm off for one of my final dvd on the couch days before starting work next week. Will also be getting back to the gym next week, I thought 7 weeks of holidays would be all exercise and health kicks... hahaha!!

hi!
sryan - i am still thinking of you and have just read your appointment was at 5.30! its like a day long tease! will have to log on later or tomorrow morning to hear your news!
mrs robbo - can i ask you about charlies death certificate? I was told by our funeral place that we did'nt need one? but when i checked charlie was a week younger than madison? does that make a difference, how did you get one and should i be double checking that? orginally they were doing it but then she came back and said we did'nt need it? I think i just went in circles but i hope you get what i mean!
x jo

Sue, just got home, thrown my bag on the floor and logged on to check on you but you haven't yet posted. Here's hoping for a glowing report soon.

Jo, I was told that the hospital completes the death certificate. I'm not sure if that's just NSW but I've never seen one for Hamish. Only his birth certificate.

I can't believe the problems you and Paula went through to get your babies' ashes. GRRRRRR!

Hi girls,

I am back with good news.

I saw my bubs, with a heartbeat of 172 bpm.

I can not believe it, anyway still trying to not get to excited and wait until 12 weeks.

Thank you everyone for your positive vibes.

Yippee

xxx Sue xx

Sue - :leap::hooray::leap::hooray::hooray::leap: Fantastic!

Jo - We got a death certificate for Cooper, the funeral home organized it. It really hit me for a six, I wasn't really expecting it, it arrived in the mail a couple of weeks after he died. But that is in QLD, maybe give Births, Deaths and Marriages a call, or ask at your appointment tomorrow they may be able to tell you.:grouphug: for tomorrow, I hope you get some answers. Try to get some sleep tonight.

Tildy - I hope you are doing OK, are you home yet?

I'm home, after managing to build myself up to super-stress levels in the meantime. I think I was just too scared of something happening while we were away or, worse, on an airplane, and he fact that I have this new bleeding and cramping that isn't stopping made that fear worse. Now that I'm home it feels much, much more calm. It was just the worst-case-scenario thinking and the deja vu of coming home from a plane ride and miscarrying less than 24 hours later that made me panicky. By the time we were landing over Stockholm I was even getting faint and out-of-breath over the turbulance and the pilot's overly-agressive landing angle. There was such a dip that the whole plane went "Whoa!" when their stomachs ended up in their throats. When we got home, I refused to let DH keep the bedroom door open for the cats. He thought I was mean because they had missed us and were scratching at the bedroom door, but it was 2 am, I was exhausted, and I know that girl cat has a tendency to pee in our bed to show how upset she is about being kept inside for a week -- something she did the night we got home from London at 3am, right before the miscarriage. I refused out of superstition to let that happen again!

Anyway, I see my grief counselor today and the doctor on Friday. I'm sure it is just a hematoma again, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I've already beaten the good odds by having a hematoma two pregnancies in a row and having it push off the placenta last time instead of resolving, so I can't take their insistence that it's just a tiny little nothing that won't cause any problems.

Okay, I hope you can take me seriously as I switch modes from *****y into personals...

I'm really happy to hear about your good scan, Sue! I realize it doesn't feel real yet, but you have at least gotten a very strong boost.

Jo -- I can't imagine having to make a phone call to ask about my baby's ashes. So many details of what many of you have been through are so much more trying than most people would imagine. I will have you in mind tomorrow and hope for the best of possible outcomes of your meetings with the docs.

Katie -- How are things going for your mom? I'm sure you've said, but what kind of treatment schedule does she have and has it started yet? I hope you're spending some great time together and getting some good acrobatic shows from Big Bubs.

Helen -- how's the first scary/exciting/unreal weeks going?

Cindee -- good to hear from you, but sorry to hear you've got sick kids to handle. I hope that I "outgrow" this complicated pregnancy bullcrap before I'm pregnant with my second child, because it must be hard to care for the big ones while trying to grow a little one!

Paula -- I don't think it's morbid at all that you take our Charlie's ashes. I have a little charm bracelet with hearts on it; one for me, one for DH, one for Beiron, and a new one I bought last week to add on for the new bubs. I wear it as much as possible and I fiddle with it when I'm nervous or scared or worried without even really realizing. It feels good to have something physical to hold on to when thinking about Charlie, that makes perfect sense.

Lan -- How are things going with your pre-conception counseling? There's been so many ladies in here getting knocked up that I worry we're forgetting the TTC.

Rozzie -- glad to hear that things are going well for you. Have your symptoms disppeared as much as mine? I'd kind of rather be hanging my head over the toilet actually, but someday in the future I'm sure I'll feel lucky for not having all the "normal" symptoms. :P

Hope I didn't miss anyone. I think it's time for a nap!

Sue... wooooooooohoooooooooooooooooo, congrats on an awesome milestone. I just walked in the door from a function and rushed straight to the computer to find out how you went today. I have been thinking about you all afternoon. How exciting to see such a glorious and strong heartbeat. Lets hope you have another at 12 weeks and every appointment after that until you hold that beautiful bub in your arms.

Tildy... glad you are home safe and sounding much more relaxed. Here's hoping you get good news Friday that it is just the heamotoma. What a nightmare run you've had.

Jo... thinking of you tomorrow. Re the death certificate, we were told if you have a birth certificate you have to have a death certificate. I'm sure if you call birth deaths and marriages there would be one there. I'm a bit hazy on the details but I think I recall them asking if we wanted a copy and that it was going to cost $30, I guess if we didn't then it would just sit in the registry. A bit like if you need a copy of your birth certificate, you call up and they send it out but you have to pay for it. Anyway, let us know how you get on. As hard as it will be to open it, I am kind of hoping it will give me some kind of closure, if there is such a thing when you lose a child!

hello to everyone else, helen have you got lovely strong bfp now??

hey guys!
sue -so happy to log on and see such wonderful news, it really has given my morning a little lift and HAS helped my frame of mind before the start of a very trying day!!!
For the rest of you i'll be back later! I have been calling out to the kids to get up but they are'nt budging! the one morning i can't be late!!!!
have a good one guys!
x jo

Hi Jo - I hope today goes smoothly and you get some answers to your questions. I know it will be tough and exhausting, so take care. :hug:

Sue - so happy to read about your excellent scan results. Very excited for you!!!

Hi to all - will be back later. And yes I hope the TTC ladies aren't feeling left out. So good luck and loads of baby dust to you all.

Also to the preg ladies, I think it is about time some of you ventured over to the Preg thread...a couple of the lovely ladies over there encouraged me to do it so I am going to do the same with you. Have no fear though, as you can stay here as well!

Hi girls
I just needed to get in here and hide for a moment! I have just seen a newborn at the shops, couldn't have been more than 2wks old, and I lost it. I haven't done that in public since the stupid chemist asked me why I needed sleeping tablets a week after Cooper was born. I felt so stupid that everyone was watching me with my head in my hands trying to hide it, I just wanted to scream at them all why I was so upset!! It has really shaken me up, still teary now. Wow, I thought this horrible gut wrenching feeling had gone and I was just left with nicer memories of the time I had with him.

I am glad you girls are here, I am feeling very alone right at this point, I even ran into a friend after this incident, I had this little voice screaming inside me saying 'lean on her, she is always there', but I held it together and just chatted like nothing just happened.

God I hope your appointment is going OK Jo. Hugs

Tildy - How are you today?

Helen - you can lean on us. It must have been awful to feel yourself lose control like that but also a very natural reaction to seeing a new born baby. It is something that we all struggle with and unfortunately there does not seem to be any way to controlling when and how our grief will rear its head. I am also not good at opening up to friends and usually reserve my tears for when I am alone or with DH - and then they flow. I had a big cry last week sitting at the dining table and then once it was over I kept on going. Cooper will always be with you and it is normal to miss him terribly. :hug: Have you been to the GP for a blood test yet? Just remember that you have this new little soul growing inside you, and they will bring you enormous amounts of love and comfort.