Teagz, I'm so sorry hun that you're feeling like this , but believe me, you have not been punished for anything you think that you've done. That is such a classic feeling we women feel after our loss, but the simple truth is, there is nothing you've done that have made you lose your precious little baby. I also went through the same feelings of guilt of having done something I shouldn't have, like too much walking or lifting something too heavy, or doing gardening, etc, and now I realise that my body has let me down, and that's the simple but painful truth. I know that if the fibroid wasn't growing there, Joshua would have still been in my belly.
As for feeling guiltly about not appreciating Jayden more, please don't as your baby always knew how much you loved him and still do, and always will. I was scared out of my head for the first 12 weeks thinking something was going to go wrong, I only started to relax and enjoy my pregnancy around my 20 week scan, and 6 days later I delivered Joshua. I feel like I've only really bonded with him in the last two or so weeks before he was born. So you're not alone ther hun, but just think how differently we'll do things the second time around....I will enjoy every second of my pregnancy, and I mean every second of it.
Big hugs hun xxxx