Trying to Conceive after Stillbirth/Recurrent Miscarriage/Late Loss

Hi Helen, glad you're back and hooray for little bubba going off in your belly! It must be loving all the somersoults it can do in there....! Good luck on monday for your scan hun, I can imagine it's a bit nerve wrecking... Are you finding out what you're having ? Sorry if you've told us already, I miss things here and there, it's hard to be on the ball the whole time.....

Teagz, so sorry I spelt Jayvan's name wrong in my previous post, I have no excuse except that I keep dropping off BB all day, it's really frasturating!! :doh:

Diana, are you back yet ??????

love to all
Bxxx

hey girls!
jo -that poem was really lovely, so touching ...thanks for thinking to put it in!
teagz -i am sending you a cyber hug!! i have never found any reason for losing Jack or Madison, and i broke down into every last detail ANYTHING that could have caused their deaths. You are not being punished, NOTHING you could ever do would make you deserve the pain you have been through. The fact that you had a really loving 6 weeks where you celebrated the fact you were pregnant is wonderful. As hard as it is, try to remember some of those moments, when you said your DH would kiss your belly -beautiful! We all have our moments when we first get preg of being nervous and apprehensive! my first DS was a surprise -i was on the pill, and i remember i spent much of the first 3 months going OMG!Its not that he was'nt wanted, it was so overwhelming and that 3 month ultrsound really bought home to us the wonder of who we were carrying. please don't be hard on yourself! I really hope you get a little comfort when you do see your OB, at least to unload. But i wanted to let you know some of us will , in some way or another understand your frustration at lack of answers. we're all here for you...
xx jo

Beata & Joe :hug: thankyou for your kind words, they do mean alot to me. And, Beata I didn't even notice you spelt His name wrong.. I had just read it as Jayvan in my head anyway ^^;
After a bit of a cry to a friend of mine at work (who had experienced the same thing as all of us) I'm feeling a bit better, albiet a little guilty for bringing my baggage to work, but better :)
I bought a little reb hoodi bond jumper today as a testiment that the next little bub will be coming home with us! And we're officially on the TTC bandwagon now, which is conforting in a way.
this is the last post where I dribble about myself!! I'm starting to even annoy me ><;;

Hi ladies!!

Teagz, I think all Mums of angels will find something to feel guilty about after their loss... I REALLY wanted a girl and was disappointed to find it was a boy, but I got over it pretty quickly and was happy again. Then we lost him and, well of course I felt terribly guilty- plus the feeling like a failure etc. It's easy to see rationally that we have nothing to feel guilty about but we still do. I really don't think though that God/nature/karma whatever punishes us for minor things like that when so many truly undeserving women have healthy babies that they neglect and abuse. You know you loved your baby with all your heart.

Well as for me, scan went fine, all measuring almost a week ahead. When I saw the doctor we discussed the birth. He basically said I'm a unique case (C-section at 22 weeks) and there was no data to judge my risk of rupture during a VBAC. He said that for a normal scar risk is about 1% and a classical can be as high as 20% and I was somewhere in between, but we don't know where!! I can have an ultrasound to see the thinkness of the uterine wall but this is not a reliable predictor of rupture. So then we discussed the risks to future pregnancies of repeat C-sections, worst case scenario if I get placenta accreta there's a high chance of hysterectomy being needed, but the odds of having it are only about 2%. So worst case scenario we get two kids and no more, best case we can have four which is what we want. The risks of VBAC though are rupture which could brain damage or kill the baby, I need a hysterectomy or I die... so I'll go for the 2-kids-at-least option I think!!!

I feel better having some certainty but I am disappointed I won't go through labour ever... the doctor said he'd do the op himself which is a huge relief as normally a registrar would do it as opposed to the chief high-risk OB. We also asked if we needed to do the antenatal classes if I wasn't going to go through labour as we had not enjoyed the VBAC class... he said he and his wife never did a class and they had 9 CHILDREN!!! wow.

Anyway that's me, doctor has to think about when to schedule the op, sometime around 37-38 weeks. Not long to go!!!

Love Rozzie

Teagz, I am so happy that you feel a little bit better, a good cry always works for me ! It's good to let all the emotions came out every now and then. And I'm so glad you've brought a little outfit for your next bub, I really like the way you think ! Positivity never goes astray !
PS You really make me laugh when you have a pick at yourself, you are a dag !! Vent all you want hun, this is why we are here !!!!
I also just wanted to let you know that even though you might not find out what caused Jayvan's chest to fill with fluid, the chances of that exact thing happening again are very remote. I have read something about that in the few books on miscarriages. So now that you're officailly TTC, bring on a BFP fast !!!!!

Rozzie, fantastic news about your bub ! I know what you mean about not having a VBAC birth, as when I fall pregnant, I will have to have a c section too, as the risk of the uterus bursting is very high. When I told my OB that I am a litle bit disappointed with that, he told me that it's much better to have the c section and a healthy take home bub, than risk the rapture to the uterus and risk the baby's health. Then he said to me, what do you think you had with Joshua ? And suddenly I though, you're right, I did have a natural birth with him which is such a blessing that I was lucky enough to have experienced it. It's just that I was so afraid of the actual labout pains when I first found out I was pregnant, that after Joshua came, I thought to myself, I don't care how long the next labour goes for, or how big the baby is, bring on the pain (with no drugs of course - you probably agree with me that after you lose a baby you think you can put up with just about anything the next time!). As long as my baby is OK, I dont care what I have to endure, at least I can bring home a healthy baby !
So I am still slightly disappointed that I will probably never experience giving birth naturally to a full term baby, but I know now that I will do whatever is necessary to just have a healthy bub.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words and well wishes. I am feeling much better. Just fell asleep on the couch trying to watch House - so missed the ending - darn!!!!

Beata - Thanks - you always know how to make me smile. How are you feeling? Hope everything is going well xxxx :hug:

Paula - Thanks! Glad you are being so positive! I bought a little giraffe the other day as they are one of my favourite animals and we had one for Zachary (which went in his coffin). I hope you keep well and that you have a carefree pregnancy :D

AFM - Just counting down the days until my first scan. This doesn't quite seem real yet so seeing our baby and hearing a heartbeat will be amazing. Also having my thyroid checked just to be sure it is all okay as my blood sugars have still been a bit crazy and they want to rule out any thyroid influences.

:hug: and :bluedust::pink-babydust: to everyone else xxx

Teagz -- it is so, so hard to get that answer "nothing was wrong" or "we couldn't find anything wrong." Some of the doctors and midwives and friends think it ought to be a comforting answer -- and I understand where they're coming from, because they mean that the chances of the next bub being healthy are very high. But, to be very crass, my reaction to that was "a healthy bubs #2 is hardly something to be happy about if that one also turns out to be a dead bubs." I felt I would have been much more comforted if it turned out there was a chromosome problem (which is a "normal fluke" they say) or some easily fixable, obvious problem. But we will have to hope that your case is just like mine -- it was just a total (but very sad) fluke, so your next pregnancy will be just fine. And statistics are on our sides for that, don't forget that. Like you I wondered if I was being punished -- not wondering if I'd done something wrong or something (I even wished I had, because THAT I can make sure I didn't do next time, too), but wondering why it's ME that gets to experience the worst 1% of the worst 1% of all possibilities. Karma punishing me? Is "kick me when I'm down" written on my forehead for both fate and nasty ER nurses to clearly read? MIL said to DH that "It's amazing that Lori is an atheist and therefore doesn't believe in blessings or miracles but can still believe she's being punished. She takes the worst of both worlds." There's a point there. :( You are so very much not being punished, Teagz. If Jayvan was a surprise and you still grew to love him anyway -- that's a fabulous kind of love. Unconditional and wonderful.

Theresa -- I'm anxious for your first scan, too. :) Every day seems like an eternity while waiting to see that ticking little blob for the first time.

Rozzie -- your reasoning seems very sound and it seems like you've made a logical decision. I don't envy your having to make it. The best part though is that your fears about the consequences to future pregnancies of having a c-section now seem to be "absolute worst case scenarios" rather than something that seems statistically likely to keep you from your dream of 4 children. I'm sorry you have to give up the chance at a vaginal birth -- of course having a healthy baby (and a healthy Rozzie) in the end is the important thing, but we still need to be allowed to want a vaginal birth or to hope for a boy or a girl or anything else that a "normal" person would want, and I understand that it is a loss for you.

This is what I said when we had our meeting with the specialist MW yesterday. My head is swimming (and my hours-bank at work dwindling!) with all the appointments -- MW, OB, counselor, couples counselor, special after-birth program we're being admitted to, specialist MW, chiropractor, physical therapist for the pelvic disorder, ante-natal classes -- sheesh! You'd think we were bringing a whole new human being into the world or something. :P Anyway, the specialist MW is part of a program called "Nike" where they take women who have an extra high level of fear or need of some sort before a coming birth and make up a special birth plan with them. She knew why I was there, as my own MW sent the referrel with an explanation of what happened to us in the ER, but when I started to explain for myself I said "I'm basically afraid of everything BUT the pain!" She laughed because her normal clientele is women who are so afraid of the pain of giving birth that they want a c-section. But no, I'm with you, Beata -- since Beiron's birth was a "spontaneous abortion," and s/he had been fine just a couple days before, I had NO idea what was going on and therefore the pain was certainly horrid, horrid, horrid. But now that I know what it was, I'm just like "bring it on."

I told her that I COULD say that I'll be happy as long as both me and the baby are alive and healthy at the end, but that this would be a lie. I want, and deserve, a happy memory and a feeling that I've been treated with dignity and respect. She immediately agreed to everything I was going to ask for and more, without me even getting around to asking it -- she totally understood what I was afraid of and why, and helped us phrase a good way to write it in my journal. And she added that no students will be allowed to work on me (it's a uni hospital, and I still have scars from all their failed attempts to put IVs in me after Beiron's birth) and that they are not allowed to send me to the hospital in the neighboring city (which they sometimes do if the maternity ward here is unusually busy; she's like "we'll send someone else instead of you if that's necessary"). She even asked if we wanted them to come and get me in another part of the hospital when it was time for me to come in, since the entrance to the maternity ward is right next to the entrance to the ER. But I told her, no, I've passed by there so many times now that one more time won't kill me. :) I continue to be amazed by how very well I'm being treated now, and it feels like it's going to be okay.

Hi Theresa, I'm so glad you're feeling much better hun. I hate falling sleep and miss the end of the show, but it happens to me so often ! Then I have to call my friend who watches pretty much all the shows I do, and ask her what happened at the end...it's so frasturating as you fight to stay awake most of the show, and then bang, you fall asleep for the last and best bit of it !!!! You just gave me goose bumps about having bought a giraffe for you new bub. When one of my closest friends found out I was pregnant with Josh, she bought him a cute yellow giraffe. It was Joshua's first toy. She has two children (I'm the godmother to them both, they are just devine) and she bought them the same giraffes when they were born. Well anyway, when I lost Josh, I placed the giraffe amongs other items in his tiny coffin. So that's why I got the goose bumps...
On a much more positive note, I'm so excited about your first scan ! When are you having it ? Good luck sweetie, I hope and pray everything will be OK :crossfingers:.

Tildy, that is so so good they are treating you so well this time around. This is how you should have been trated to begin with !! I aslo like the idea of your birth plan so you do exactly what you want to do. As I said before, after I had Joshua, I thought to myself, bring on the labour pains next time, I know I can cope with the pain ! I was only on gas with Josh as they said there was no need and no time for an epidural as he was going to be born very quickly. The gas was actually very good for me, as it really made the contractions a lot more bearable. I think I was in labour early on Tuesday morning, but then again I am not sure as I ended up in hospital on sunday with pain where the fibroid was. So while they were treating me for the fibroid, I think I was in labour most of the time between sunday and wednesday !!!!! It's really hard to tell when the fibroid pain became labour pain, but initailly they had me on pethadine and that worked a treat, but two days later even pathadine didn't work, so I knew I was in trouble.
Anyway don't want to blab, but I guess what I am saying is that now the choice of my preffered VBAC birth is taken out of my hands, there is little I can do about it. In any case, the operation on the fibroid was very similar to a c section, so I am no longer even aftraid of that as I found it OK with recovery time etc.

Well, I hope everyone is having a good week, I can't tell you how hot and horrible it is in melbourne ATM. Yesterday was 43 and today they predict 44. My DF said driving to work at 5.45 am it was already 32 degrees. Yuck !!!!!!!!!!!!!Help !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to relocate to antarctica this week !!!!!

Love always
Beata xxxooo

Just popping in very quickly to tell you I am back and have missed you all very much.

Lots to catch up on so will be back later for persies but just have to say that I am so sorry AF showed up Megan and Teagz, I am sorry you didn't get any answers but I hope your Dr can provide you with some information at your next visit.

My DH is so beautiful, everytime we walked passed an internet place, he was encouraging me to log on and check up on you all. As much as I really wanted to, we decided before we left that there would be no TTC/baby talk on this trip so didn't think it would be fair. I was thinking about you all though...

Anyway, back later x

Hellooooooooooooooo!!!!!! Seems like you've been away for months !!!!!!!!.....So glad you're back hun !!!!!!!! I was like you on my holiday, my DF was like, let's go and finD you an internet cafe, and I resisted the urge too. I think he wanted to find one cos he wanted to check his soccer scores !!

Talk soon hun !

xxxxxx

I'm reading about all you girls labours and I'm starting to feel incredibly lucky. My labour was about 9 hours, the pain was quite bad in the middle which I took panadine for (I was offered morphine, pethadine & an epi but I hate the thought of taking things that make you feel like your drunk off your face :P) and then it eased off and I feel asleep. I woke up about 45 minutes later and got up and started pacing around because I was getting frustrated at how long everything was taking (Yeah, I know.. only 9 hours... shoosh XD) and I felt Jayvan just drop, and about half an hour later it was all over.
I was expecting to have a screaming labour like you see in the movies. :redface: I'm assuming the pain of contractions would be more significate with a full term baby though, especially the pushing out part? But I say bring it on as well!

Tildy, I had a intern as well! And when he stuck my IV drip in it squirted blood all up the wall, all over me & him! Not to mention He didn't have any gloves on when he did it... so lucky for him I'm not carrying any weird and wonderful diseases otherwise he'd have them right now.
Your midwife sounds really good, you're certainly in good hands! Unfortunately we don't get to choose who we have here, but I'm hoping to be able to have the midwife who delivered Jayvan again. She was so lovely.

DD, I hope you had a nice trip! And how very considerate of your DH ^^;

Rozzie, that's great about your little bubba! Growing nice and strong by the sounds of it, you must be feeding him/her well ;)

I'm still trying to shake this frikken cold *grumbles* It's just sitting in my throat now giving me the you-know-whats!

:hug: to everyone!

looks like ill be going for another growth scan at john hunter again next week. looks like they'll be delivering me early. again. anywhere from now and up, just hope its later than sooner, just depending on the doppler studies, blood flow and stuff.

anyway better get going got to go get car registered in case i don't come home next week.

talk hope fully soon.

love cindee

Hi Cindee,
I hope you and bub can hang in there for another few weeks yet ! Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you for next week :crossfingers:, praying all goes well for you hun :pray:.
Love and hugs
B xxx

Cindee, such an uncertain time for you, I really hope bub can hang in there for at least a few more weeks yet. Your ticker didn't show up, how many weeks are you now? Wishing you all the best of wishes, good luck.

Cindee, such an uncertain time for you, I really hope bub can hang in there for at least a few more weeks yet. Your ticker didn't show up, how many weeks are you now? Wishing you all the best of wishes, good luck.

Cindee, such an uncertain time for you, I really hope bub can hang in there for at least a few more weeks yet. Your ticker didn't show up, how many weeks are you now? Wishing you all the best of wishes, good luck.

Sorry obviously BB crashed on me, 26+6 got it! You are doing really well.

hey guys!
have decided to sweat in the heat of the study for a moment and luckily not too many personals to catch up on! i feel disgusting, it is sooooooo hot! i'll be glad when it is back to nice 25' degree hot again! my gardens dead (grrrr), i'm sweating (blurgh!!), my house even with all its air conditioning feels like a sauna! :doh: and there is still tomorrow at 43'....plus we had visitors today and they left a half eaten lollypop in the bin so now we have ants making a trail (now mostly dead) from the front door to the kitchen. i have almost overdosed on flyspray!
good news though, my brother and GF had their baby, a little boy named shane william. in all my excitment i did have i moment when i wanted to throw the phone at the wall as he said she had ducked out for a smoke! #@%^&$#% !!!!!! (not sure what that spells but you can imagine!!!) bubs and mum otherwise are really well and she had a rough time as he moved his hand up to his face just as he was coming out...ouch!!!
cindee- i really hope all is ok for you at the next scan and bubs can cook a little longer!!! we are all here for you and i am wishing you and bubs a happy healthy outcome! you almost there, we'll all hold our breaths with you to hang on a little longer...
dd- hellooooo! how was the trip? (apart from seeing internet cafes!!!lol!)
tildy -it really warms my heart to hear they are looking out for you. Nothing will ever change the past but with your next birth (not too far away either!!!! 9ish weeks!!!) i am glad they are giving you the red carpet treatment you deserve! I also took on board your response to teagz about the no answers. So true about #2 though. Just look what happened to me. Jack came back with nothing wrong so i was told "chances are minimal, it won't happen again, there was no reason to explain why he died blah blah blah" and then bam, Madison died. So go figure...2 babies with technically nothing wrong yet something had to have been in there somewhere. :wall: hence our fears for next time, if karma (i am a karma girl although cannot figure out what bad thing i must have done to be put through what i have) puts it out there again for us. Even one of my friends said if we fell pregnant again and lost that baby she would'nt believe in god again, as the god she belives in just would'nt put someone through that. i really believe in reincarnation, its not for everyone but it gets me through and when i speak of butterflies that is our Jack symbol (and they always come at the most appropriate moments) etc. How did i get onto this...moving along!!!
anyway gots go, poor DD has just come downstairs.
i'm an aunty!
x jo

Cindee, I really hope that things are progressing well and bub can stay put for another few weeks at least. Praying that things will be fine :pray:

Welcome back Diana, I hope you had a really good break!

Theresa, all the best for your first scan, very exciting, its amazing how much you can see at only 12-weeks.

Rozzie, your rationale for going for a c-section makes perfect sense to me, the risk is simpley not worth going natural, although I understand the disappointment. Sounds like you will be in extremely good hands with the Chief high-risk OB, from a skill level and also that he understands your desire for more kids, so I am sure he will do everything he can to ensure you will be fine for the future, and 9 kids, oh my gosh!

Thinking of you Lan, hope you are doing ok. Hello to everyone else.

Hi Ladies,
I am feeling sooo much better today. Nothing like a good week of rest. I have my next scan to check growth and blood flow in the placenta and cord on Tuesday. I am very nervous. I really do not like going to the high risk doctor. I have to have the scan done by someone that doesn't know me or my history. They always say something that makes me cry. They also avoid telling me the scan results so I have to wait to talk to the doctor. You never know how long you'll have to wait to see them. Please keep your fingers crossed for us.

Cindee, I hope your scan goes well. The fact that you still have good movement is a great sign. Did your bub measure small at your last scan?

Rozzie, You really frightened me when you said that you really wanted a vbac, just because of the unknown. I am glad that your doctor made it so easy for you to make your decision. My mother had 3 vertical c-section with no problems. I am sure your house will be full in no time.

Tildy, I am so glad that your doctor/hospital is going to treat you a bit better now. I was worried about you when they turned you away because they were too busy.

I will be back later. I need to go inject my clexane. Can't be late with that.

hi girls just a short note as at work this morning. Today would have been my due date and i feel like crap. We are having a bbq tonight as it is dh birthday tomorrow so hopefully having the people around me will make it a little easier to get through the day just a question did anybody do anything on there due date a few people have asked me this and i have never thought about it. Hope all you girls that are growing babies are all doing well and the rest of you are also doing well. also went to ivf appointment on Wed and everything is looking really good for fet next month so fingers crossed ladies that it is a sticky one. P.s thank-you all so much for the coments about my brother he is certainly very special to me and dh and i do tell him all the time how wonderful and kind hearted he is. okay better go sorry for the all over the place post will catch up with personals on the weeked.

Hi girls

Sorry, had every intention of logging on last night for a big catch up but had a really bad night.

Before I go into it, I just have to say I am a totally selfish cow. You know how DH and I went away to try and stop thinking about the whole baby /TTC thing, well last night my SIL called to tell us she is pregnant. I am very happy for her but I cried and cried for Sebastian, DH and myself until 3am and am feeling so down this morning. I am in total shock at my reaction.

Theresa and Paula, when you girls announced your pregnancies I was sincerely ecstatic for you both and was so inspired (please believe me!) so why do I feel so emotional about her announcement? Is it because I have to watch her belly grow? Is it because I am a little jealous? Is it because I am a selfish b*tch and wanted to be pregnant before her so I wouldn?t feel like this?

Sorry this is an all about me post but I just needed to vent and can't do it with anyone else, they would never understand.

Girls, is my reaction normal?

Cindee and Laney, fingers crossed for great scans!

HI to everyone, I promise not be all about me after this post!

Dee, sorry our posts crossed over. Sending you BIG BIG hugs today.

Hi girls

Diana - I think your reaction is totally normal! My SIL announced her 5th pregnancy the day we found out we were pg with this pg and I still got sooo angry and cried, even though we were pg again too (though no-one knew but us). I couldn't work out why I felt like that until another friend worded it for me perfectly in that it upset me because I just knew that she was guaranteed a healthy baby and perfect ending and I don't feel like that with my own pg. And realistically I know that NO-ONE is guaranteed anything but that is just how I felt, and still do. If you are a selfish cow for feeling like you do, then I am too and probably most of us girls here feel the same! Of course you want to be pg again and of course you wanted to be able to announce your pg before her. It isn't fair that you have been robbed of your child and now have to go through IVF to get pg again. Not only is your SIL pg but you don't even have that guarantee of knowing that IVF will make your dreams come true (although we all know it will of course!). Ugh, all of those things. But I honestly believe that any of those feelings do NOT = selfish *****.

Dee - sending you a huge hug for today. For my EDD I took the day off work and was surprised by how upset I was on the day - it was a little unexpected as I hadn't really known what to feel leading up to it. So, after my morning tears I took myself shopping and wrote a letter to Luke. The weekend after we also released some balloons to mark the day. My MIL had lost a little girl 23 years earlier on that same weekend and had never done anything to remember the occasion so we released both blue and pink balloons for them both. It was a sad day but I did feel enormous relief after the EDD had passed and hope you find some peace from this milestone having been passed.

Laney - good luck for your scan on Tuesday! I have got everything crossed for you that the good news keeps coming.

Jo76 - congrats on becoming an auntie :clap: This hot weather is dreadful isn't it! I am in Sydney so we are slightly cooler than you (35C) but I saw on the news last night that you guys had your hottest night in so many years. And poor Adelaide! Thankfully I have ducted air-con so my doggie and I get to hide out in it all day :)

Cindee - hope that things go okay with your next scan and bubs can continue to incubate in your belly for a few weeks to come. Good luck x

Helen - I am looking at your ticker counting down and it seems to be going so fast! I have my next scan on Monday too so looks like we both have the dildo cam to look forward to that day :lol:

Rozzie - good to hear you have such a supportive doctor and you have made the decision now regarding the upcoming birth.

Those girls who were talking about giraffes for the bubs - our theme for our nursery are giraffes! I love animals so we have gone with a baby animal theme but the main focus is the giraffe. They are so cute...

Sorry to everyone else that I missed - I have run out of page to scroll through and know I have missed quite a few of you. Sending out a big hello to everyone else!

Nothing new to report with me. Next scan on Monday to check my cervix is behaving and I also have my GD test that day too. I am a massive chocoholic so am hoping I get good news from that and don't have to give up the good stuff!
Hugs to all x

Laney - I am so happy that you are feeling a little better today and I am crossing everything for your scan on Tues, this time will be just as good as the last scan.
Dee - I didn't know what to do for Cooper's EDD, so in the end my MIL & FIL just took me out for the day, we went shopping and then had a nice lunch, it felt like it was a trivial thing to do on such an important day, BUT it turned out to be really nice, took my mind off the day for a while. It doesn't matter what you do, just taking the time to get through the day and don't feel pressured to be 'on top of it' tonight, hopefully your friends and DH will be as much comfort as my family was on Cooper's EDD.
Diana - I remember when we started to try again, my best friend/cousin had been trying with me with Cooper and still hadn't fallen so again we were trying together. I felt such anxiety that she would fall before me, when we fell pregnant again after the 3rd cycle, she was still not pregnant, and the shoe was on the other foot, I felt guilty about that too, we just can't win! After about 14months of trying they have just had there 2nd lot of IVF and today is preg test day, I am hoping to GOD she gets her BFP this time. So no you are not selfish it is a very natural reaction.
Jo - You made me laugh with the dildo cam, oh the joys! Good luck will that be your last one? Talk about my ticker yours has gone out of sight!
Rozzie - I think you have made a very sound decision, glad your DR was so good about putting the facts/lack of clearly in front of you, and hey worst case scenario 2 bambinos, that's gold.
Jo76 - Karma needs a kick in the butt! I think she got the address wrong!

Hi girls,

Well, I am officially cooked, just like Jo76. I simply cannot continue to go on, so i have decided to stay right under my aircon in the living room, until the heat passes. Just as well, there is a nice comfy couch under there...alright, enough of my blabing.

Jo76, congrats on becoming an aunty, that is very exciting! Don't approve of the ciggy after she's had the baby though....what is wrong with some women ???!!!

Laney, I'm always thinking and praying for you that all goes well, so best of luck for your next scan, you're going well!!

Dee, I'm thinking of you today on your due date, big hugs hun :hug:. Mine hasn't come yet, Joshua was due on 12 Feb. On the day, I'm planning a tiny ceremony with a priest to bless his ashes before they go into his plot at the memorial park, with a few family members there. We didn't have a service for him as it was just too much for me and I just couldn't handle it at the time. Then everyone started asking if we were going to do anything, and then I came up with the idea of a little service at the memorial park on his due date. I'm also planning to release some ballons and that's all I have so far. I want to write Josh a little poem to read as well. I'm lucky because I'll still be off work then so that's a good thing.

Diana, don't be too hard on yourself hun. It's OK to feel upset, jealous, angry, resentful, and not because she is having a baby, but because of the loss you have suffered and because you wish Sebastian was here. I often wonder what I will be like when one particular close friend of mine gets pregnant ahead of me, I don't know how I will handle it (she will be trying about the same time as me). I actually had a dream a few weeks ago that she was pregnant, and I was so upset, I told her that even though I am happy for her, I can't be too involved in her pregnancy because I've lost Joshua and it's too painful for me. I woke up from that dream in tears, and I wonder if that's really how i feel subconciously. I also think when someone so close to us gets pregnant (whether it's family or a close friend) , it is harder for us as we do to some extent get involved in their pregnancy (how can we not?), whether we want to or not. Just always remember, your time will come too, and there might be some other woman out there who is struggling to get pregnant and is jealous of you!! Sending you big hugs hun :hug:xx

Jo, hope you next scan is good, you're going so well hun!! Keep it up !

Hello to all the other lovely girls, hope everyone is well :D

Love
B xxx

Jo - thank you for sharing that poem. And yes I am in tears. It so reflects my life as it is now.

Teagz - be kind to yourself. I know it is not easy not having any reasons for when your baby passes (I never got any explanation for Nathaniel) but you need to know that it is in no way your fault. I know I spent a lot of time trying to work out if I had done anything to harm Nathaniel, but I know that he just wasn't meant to be my baby on earth - instead he is watching over me and waiting for me. It is natural to have the reservations you had when you first found out you were pregnant with Jayvan = but that doesn't mean you didn't and don't still love him with your whole heart and soul. He knows you love him and miss him - hugs. :hug:

I feel terrible that I am not here more to add support to you all. I think about you all the time and hope and pray that 2009 is a kinder year to you all. :grouphug:

I found Nathaniel's 12 week u/s DVD the other day and for the first time in 12 months I watched it. I cried but at the same time I loved seeing my baby boy's heart beating and knowing that he existed and he was my first baby.

Thanks for your kind and comforting words girls. I guess we have all felt the sting at some point so I suppose what I am feeling isn't as irrational as I first thought. I would normally be bouncing off walls if one of my friends (including all of you) delivered this kind of news so it comes as a complete shock that I reacted this way about my SIL. I honestly didn't think it would hurt my heart so much but I am back to hitting rock bottom today. I will have to figure out how to handle it all when I see her - and we see each other at least once a week so interesting times ahead I think.

Helen, did you hear any news from your friend? I hope she got her BFP today.

Jo, good luck with the scan on Monday. Gee your ticker is flying by - maybe too slowly for you but from my perspective, it feels like yesterday we started chatting in the loss section.

Katie, wow must have taken a lot of courage to put that DVD in the player but glad you loved it. Hope little Anna is doing well.

Tildy, I am so sorry you are having a rough time with your mum. I hope you can relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy without the added stress of her hurtful comments.

Beata, hope you're staying cool and recovering well. I hope and pray you and your friend fall pg in the same month and share a wonderful journey together.

Sorry for the lack of persies to all I have missed but am feeling a little too down today. I hope you are all doing well and I will be back!

Lots of love and big hugs
Diana x

I just had to share the news.... My cousin got her BFP!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sooooo excited and bub is due on 5.10.09 my wedding anniversary! I have a thing with 5's I think, DS born on 5.12, this bub due on 5.06 now her's too! And her wedding ann is on the 5.01. go figure.

WOO HOO for your friend Helen. Just fabulous news x :dance:

DD, I always get a pang of jealousy around my DF sisters. They have children as though it's as easy and breathing air, why can't WE do that?! ><; The inocence of pregnancy is gone for us, unfortunately. How you feel is completely normal, we all feel it, I know i do! I do feel genuine happiness for you girls when I see a BFP, but if Df sisters were to tell me they were expecting, I think the little green eyed monster might show it's ugly face ^^; In my own mind I think it has something to do with them not realising how special what they have is, when each time it seems to be garanteed to them. Don't feel ashamed of it, just let yourself feel it. You said yourself you are happy for her, I don't think you should feel like a selfish cow for feeling a little bit jealous for yourself.

Katie, how gorgeous that you have a video of Nathaniel! I can't even put into words how nice that would have been to watch :)

AngelLukesmum, I'll have my fingers crossed for you that you don't have to give up your little chocolate habbit. haha

cindee, I've just realised you are in my BB due date thread :redface: Sorry. I've got my fingers crossed, it's a little early for bub yet. Make sure you get plenty of rest, wont you? Why do they think she may come early? If you don't mind me asking. I have missed where you have mentioned it somewhere along the line.. or perhaps before my time ^^;

Dee, :hug:

Beata, please, blab! It means I'm not the only one that does it :lol: It's quite good here down in good old bunners! Overcast and blergh. Like a winter day, would you beleive!

I have been thinking alot about Jayvan today and falling pregnant again. It's funny, even though I never knew him "physically" the next pregnancy is going to feel very different to when he was in my belly, I think. A whole different little person! I had always imagined it as feeling as though I was picking up from where I left off, and I felt bad for that because I never ever want to replace out little boy. So, I'm glad I've had this little epiphany (sp?) of mine today.

On a less heavy note, I've been stuck at work all day on my lonesome today, I have a cold, and I really just want to go home and have a snooze!
Next week we're getting a new kitchen put into our house, so I'll be packing all our stuff up for the old one to be ripped out over the weekend. I'm very excited. :dance:
It's the last peice of renovating that needs to be done to the inside of the house, so we can start concentrating on the outside finaly!

:hug: to all you girlies, bring on the weekend! xx

Helen! Congrats to your cousin :dance:

P.S. I don't know if any of you have seen it but I found this site while I was looking through some other threads on BB. It's quite graphic, so if you have a sqirmy stomach perhaps don't look at it. But, I thought it was quite interesting and very informative especially for those of us keeping watch on our CM!

"I am a 25 year old woman who has never given birth. My intention with this project was to better understand my cycle and the changes in my cervix throughout the month. As a doula and student midwife, I used this project to help me see how a cervix might look different throughout the cycle in the absence of vaginal infections and to understand speculum exams. You may notice on the right side of some photos, some jagged looking skin, which is the remnants of my hymenal ring. My os (opening to the cervix) is round because I have never given birth; the os becomes more of a slit after childbirth.

Each photo was taken at approx 10:00 pm every day starting the first day of my menstrual cycle. I re-used a plastic speculum (order one here) and macro function of normal digital camera (and a very talented boyfriend with a headlamp). For the duration of this project, we used condoms as our birth control method so as not to introduce semenal fluid into the photoshoot. I did not use tampons or mooncups during my bleeding time either."
http://www.beautifulcervix.com/photos-of-cervix/

Hi ladies!!!

Firstly Diana, about 3 1/2 months ago I brought up the issue of other people's pregnancies, there is a long thread on it if you're interested in it. Basically with my first pregnancy my older sister was having her first, due 4 weeks before me. When I lost mine it was so difficult to see her go on to have a healthy baby girl, though of course I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. So when we were trying and I fell again I did not want to share it with anyone else... it was irrational and I knew it but it was just how I felt. When I was 16 weeks my mother told me my SIL (brother's wife) was having a M/C at 12 weeks (they already have 2 little girls). I felt so conflicted... I felt bad for them but I really didn't want other people close to me pregnant at the same time. But like you, I don't feel at all that way for other Mums of angels! I think it really just comes down to the fact it's not fair that we lose our babies while others have no problems, and them falling pregnant is simply a reminder of that unfairness. It's natural, just try and deal with it the best you can. You shouldn't have to apologise for your feelings, you can't control them, the only thing you can control is your behaviour and I'm sure you'll show them the support they need.

Dee, for our EDD I didn't feel up to doing anything commemorative... I wondered if I should but I was 8 weeks pregnant, had MS and just felt like I should get by best I could, beside which I think about him all the time anyway. So I organised lost of enjoyable and distracting activities like going out for lunch, movies, walks and naps that weekend. It helped us get through it.

Cindy, I wish your bub lots of staying power and big strong lungs!! The longer the better but you know everything will be OK, you're being taken care of.

Laney, glad to hear you're feeling better!!! I know I say this every time but clexane is a miracle drug for women in your situation (have done soooooo much research!!!) and I just feel it that your boy will be born big and strong.

Hugs to everyone else, and I hope for those in Adelaide and Melbourne that things improve weather wise!!! It's been 37 here for ages and the forecast is another week of it, but no power outages or buckling train tracks yet so can't complain!!!

I feel a lot better knowing that we have made a decision about the birth. I now don't have to worry about fetal positioning or perineal massage, another bonus hahaha!! It dawned on me that it could be happening in SIX WEEKS!!! crazy!!! I spoke to my Mum this arvo to try and work out when they could bring the bassinet down (I asked them to take it and the cot after we lost Edward) because we'd now need it earlier than expected and they were going on holidays till not long before the birth, they're now coming down tomorrow because otherwise there's no time!!! A good excuse to buy some more things... I'm going to splurge and get some lovely organic baby products from Tassie and a trial pack of modern cloth nappies as I want to avoid disposables if possible. Very exciting!!!

Love Rozzie

Diana -- I agree with the others that your reaction is so very normal and that you should not berate yourself or feel selfish. I agree entirely with Rozzie's assessment, that it's one thing for you to hear that people like us have gotten a BFP and another thing for it to be a "regular person" who got a BFP. You know we will cherish every moment and feel all the same fears, while another might take their baby for granted. You see our success as a positive sign for your own future, whereas theirs is a reminder of how unfair nature is. You were pregnant before them, but they will be a mom before you. You are going to go through medical procedures in order to get pregnant, so it can certainly sting if others easily get pregnant naturally. And I also think you're correct about the distance. You are happy for us, but you don't have to see us every day and your other family or friends aren't clustered around us, cooing and obsessing over our bellies right in front of your faces while you stand on the sidelines. Trust me, I am super grateful that my two sisters-in-law are 10 years older than us and their baby making is all done, because that experience of playing second fiddle to a sibling's pregnancy just cannot be fun.

Cindee -- hang in there; I'm sure they will take care of your and your bubs and make sure you get what you need. Take care of yourself, too.

Jo76 -- congrats so much on being an auntie! It envy you that opportunity. Though of course, ugh for the smoking. I remember you saying she was popping out for smokes over Christmas. Good thing you're there to set a better example for your nephew. ;)

Laney -- anxious for your scan on Tuesday. But do you mean that you won't actually be told the results on Tuesday, but have to wait until you meet your regular doctor? That sucks. But we'll at least get an update about how bubs is hopping around in there and waving at mommy. I'm glad to hear you're on an emotional upswing. :hug:

Dee -- we planned to do SOMETHING for Beiron's EDD, something low-key but out of the everyday, and figured we could decide when the day came. Like drive up to the lake and have a nice dinner and just walk and hold hands. Then the night before neither of us slept a wink, as our normal Sunday night insomnia was very intensified by our thoughts about the coming day. We ended up skipping work, sleeping all day, and then going out and buying a new house plant. We are terrible with houseplants, but our Beiron plant is flourishing in our bedroom window.

Jo -- Hehe about your being a chocolholic. After I passed my GTT I was sitting here at work with a big chocolate bar after lunch and saying "Now I can have this without guilting about it quite as much." ;) Hope all is good with you!

Katie -- of course you have less time for us, heh. Even if you're not around often, you're still our legend. Long will the ladies of BB speak of Katiegirl and her Anna-triumph! :D

Teagz -- that cervix site sounds very interesting. But I'll have to look at it when home from work, as I'm sure my company's web nanny thingie won't take kindly to it. ;)

Rozzie -- 6 weeks! That is indeed crazy. But I hate to tell ya, they'll feel like 6 very long weeks anyway! ;) You only have a few weeks left at work too, right? After today I've got 5 weeks left. I hope we're a bit richer before I'm pregnant next time, so that I can take off the full 60 days before the due date, because this working **** is so bleeeh.

hey girls,
its funny (in not funny way) that the topis of preg/babies of others and how to deal with them has come up. Same thing has happened to me just over the last couple of days. I am really proud and happy and excited for my brother and his girlfriend BUT at the same time i had a cry (and felt incredibly selfish for it) because if madison had lived to her EDD, there would have been only a month and a bit between them. So i felt really conflicted but hated myself for it. On the upside i have been very excited looking at baby stuff for them...and the smoking thing -don't get me started. i was meant to be going up to sydney with mum and dad on thurs but since DS and DD have school and kinder starting mon and tues i can't now. Probably best for now, as if i saw her smoking like i did at christmas i'm not sure how i would be. And tildy since they are up there there is'nt a good non smoking example around this bubs as her whole family smokes too. (right around her SIL kids):wall::wall::wall:Funny how my kids already think (and it bloody better stay that way)that smoking is the most disgusting thing on the planet due to the ads on tv! (wo-ho for those ads) They will question or make a comment quite loudly if we are out about seeing someone smoke. gotta love them!
rozzie -6 weeks!!!! so exciting for you! so soon!!! i'm glad you know where you are at so your mind can be put at ease and you can hopefully relax a little.
katie - you talking about the dvd made me wish that we had taken up the dvd offer when i saw our high risk specialist when madison was still alive. I said no because i had been sent to the high risk and was freaking out due to what had happened with Jack and i did'nt want to get excited about a dvd when they might have said she had died. So now hearing you say what you did about watching it i wish we had that wonderful dvd too! Continue to cherish it as i know you will. It will be wonderful for anna to see her big brother too.
teagz - your thoughts about preg and jayvan were very sweet, and you will have another whole person to love quite differently to him. I always worried about that with my earth babies, hoe could i love DD the same as DS, i do love them the same but in different ways as they are seperate personalities. Even the same for Jack and Madison, i love them both dearly but have different moments with them to treasure. And that cervix thing was soooooooooooo interesting -it grossed out DS who asked what it was and i had to try and explain! lol!
laney- am thinking of you! thanks for you email - you made alot of sense!!!! Am always here for you!
lan - thanks for my horoscope! there was so much positive stuff in it! heres to a wonderful year for both of us!!!
gotta go guys! my dh has to go to work today due to the neverending heat (he is in refrigeration) he has'nt been home before 12am the past few nights and the kids are so out of wack because dad has'nt been home like normal.
take care!!
xx jo

ROLF, Tam, Poor DS XD
I was telling Df about it and he asked if he could see it, I said no because I doubt that he'd ever be interested in sex again :p But I thought it was very very interesting, I learnt alot that's for sure.

I clicked on "Community" and then "Pictures and Albums," and got a message about how I was trying to edit someone else's post or access administrative features that I'm not priveleged to, heh. Where do you guys post your u/s pics when you put them up? Anyone know if the photo albums part of BellyBelly is only for paid members or something? Except it's weird if I can't look at pictures now either, hmm.

Hi everyone. OK, today is CD1... Actually spotting began yesterday, does that count as day 1 or is the first day of proper red day 1? Oh well, I'm going to call today CD 1 since it's the 1st and I'll remember better.

Anyway, this month I'm going to make a 100% effort and I need you all to totally discipline me into it. While reflecting (and feeling sorry for myself) I noticed that I started every cycle enthusiastically but spiral downwards towards the crucial O time. I also never truly believe that I'll conceive and have rarely ever pictured myself with a living baby.

Not this cycle! I need positive vibes all round so don't indulge me when I started my tanties again. Tell me to wake up to myself and focus on the end result. Diana, you're local, please drive over slap me if I start carrying on.

Yay!

Anyway, enough about me, I'm going to go back and read your posts properly now.

Megan, yeah that horoscope was really good for us dragons, in babies, health and wealth. It did say to be careful of jealous people and to be "humble". What CD are you now?

Tildy, I've actually posted a pict but for the life of me I can't figure how. When you look at your own post do you see a Gallery under the number of posts on the top right hand corner? I think that's how I got in.

Rozzie, so happy for your scan result. I am so excited that you're only a matter of weeks away from holding Edward's little brother/sis. I very interested in all the organic baby stuff you're buying and will ask you when and where as soon as I have someone to buy for.

Helen, glad the little one is finally kicking away. About time!

Laney, will focus very hard on sending positive vibes to you for your upcoming scan. Can we breath easy after this one?

Cindee, hope little one holds on till at least 28wks - that's when your last child was born, wasn't it?

Oh goodness, who else. Sue! What's new in the world of Lily? All well?

Katie, those pics of you and Anna lying on the bed and laughing together are priceless. I wish and wish and wish that will be me next year.

Jo76, so now that the horoscopes say we're good, will you be TTC-ing with me this month? Only kidding, you do what's right for you. About your tarot card reading, I've also heard that the death card means the end of something, not specifically death itself. I've only had a reading once and think I also got a death card. No one died but I let go of a massive crush on a nasty boy that I had then met DH 3mths later :lol:

Diana, I'm taking this Fri and the following Mon off work. Want to wag work and hang out :-) Want to go and get our cards read??? What about you, Megan. You're in Sydney too, right?

Beata, you are a brave and patient woman. May the force of babydom be with you when you can start TTC-ing :pray:

My dear positive Paula, does it feel real yet? You have to help me find my good vibrations like you!

Teagez, I got no answers for Hamish's death either. It does help when you can accept that because no one can ever answer why. And what CD are you now?

Jo (Luke's mum), hope you're allowed a bit more mobility now that your cervix is behaving. Third trimester here you come!

Oh, and blow being cool and relaxed. I'm starting temping again - http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/19e9cf

Phew! That covers everyone, I think. Must go grocery shopping now.


:ttc:

Lan, I'm CD21 today. We went like rabbits from CD9 to CD19 XD
I have had thrush and a horrible cold now in between things so I'm not really expecting much. My Poor body's crashing on me a bit atm!
And don't worry we'll turn you into a minx during O in no time *notes down day Lans CD1* ;)

Tildy, there is an issue with the picture gallery right now. I tried to get on it too because I have posted a bunch of pictures of our ultrasounds. There is a short cut in a forum about the photo gallery issues. I found it one day, took a while. Sorry, I can't remember where or how right now. I will give it a longer look. It hasn't been working for over a week now.

Hi Ladies,
Lan, there really isn't a point that we will be able to relax. The growth issues can start at any time. Our bub will be watched and measured often until he is here. It would be a little relaxing to me if we could grow him to a good weight and long enough that he could come out healthy even if he is a little early. There is still a good chance that he will be taken out early.

Jo, I know that there really isn't anything that I can say to help you through this difficult time. Just know that I am here if you ever need to chat.

Rozzie, I really wish that I could be as positive about my pregnancy as you are. I know that the clexane has worked at least a bit. He has grown better and kicked more than Shelby or Parker were ever able to.

Katie, I have a 30 minute DVD of Parker at 12 weeks. I have not been able to watch it. I know that I will want to someday.

Tildy, I will see the doctor on Tuesday. He will tell my the results of the scan. I just hate the wait between the two appts.