It's 3 days before AF is due so I did a test.....BFN.....had a huge cry! I did some work this am then went to a good friends funeral. I felt like I needed some good news and felt this was gonna be our month.......seems not......I am devestated. It's weird because my boobs have been tender, I've been a bit nauseous and I've felt that "calm pregnant feeling". Oh well. BUGGER!
My good friend (her hubby's funeral) gave me a hug after the service (where they chose to read one of my poems). She actually said she hopes her Tony sends me a baby! I am blown away by her caring to be thinking of me like that at her husbands funeral! She is a truly amazing woman. I hope I've been doing enough to help them. I've cooked meals for them and popped in quickly to check on them. It's so hard to not smother them but to let them know we are there.
We were going to start IVF this week but as it turns out hubby might have to be out of town right at the "vital" moment so we've decided to wait another month......hope it's the right decision.
Sorry this is all me,me, me, I'm just not coping so well atm.
Thanks for all the support I get
Kate
Oh boy hunny, you are having such a full one time. What a day. I am so sorry for your loss this month. I am also sorry you are surrounded by more grief and the loss of such a close friend. It is perfectly understandable to not be coping so well sweet. You are human and only one woman...which in the spirit of girl power is usually enough to do anything, BUT this is just a lot hun and you can only handle so much at a time. I remember saying once that I just can't handle the same amount of stuff anymore. Your boat gets full and it is closer to sinking point a lot quicker than before.
You are so thoughtful and special to be taking them meals. How kind of you hun when you have so much going on for yourself. You are an incredibly loving friend. I am sure she appreciates it and I am sure she appreciates that you have some understanding to what she might be going through. I know it is different but you know what it is like to have your heart ripped out.
And wow...and IVF cycle. Maybe it is good timing to wait a few weeks so you can catch up.
I am worried for you sweet, go easy on yourself and I hope there is someone there for you too. I went to a funeral a month after we had DD's...it hit me more than DD's funeral. I think because i had to keep it together for hers. The next funeral, was a raw reminder that death does exists, what happen to us was not a dream. It is real and it hurts and it touches everyone. Such a raw awakening...or rather a reminder of what we already know.
Oh hun, sending you a big hug. Hope you get to have a nice bath to prepare for your 'resting time' of the month- AF. I hope you get to start a cycle as soon as you can and I really HOPE you have your dreams come true.
Love and light to you hun. xoxoxo
Hope you are all ok and still waiting to see some BFP's!!
Chez67 - You are an amazing woman and I think it's just beautiful that you will try different avenues to fulfil your dream of having a baby. There is nothing at all wrong with ED and anyone who tries to tell you there is, obviosly hasn't walked a mile in your shoes. You go girl! Fingers crossed for you :-)
Kateo - Hon, I promise promise promise that you won't always feel this awful. When we lost our little boy, I honestly thought life on this earth wasn't worth living and couldn't imagine smiling or feeling happy again. Whilst I do have my moments, and some days it feels like it only happened yesterday, things are easier now and they continue to get easier each day. I'm so sorry you got a BFN. They are the *****iest three letters when put together! I have actually started seeing car numberplates with BFN and BFP and just think I'm a loony! haha - Try and relax and do something nice for yourself EACH AND EVERY day. It gives you that little something to look forward to. Good luck with IVF. When are you starting?
GIGI! How are you? I can't remember when you are testing? Fingers crossed for you and hope this is your month!
As for me, after miscarrying late July, I'm assuming my periods are due within the next fortnight. I had signs of ovulation last week and am already moody and teary so my hormones are certainly giving me a good go of it! We'll be TTC next month and am already a little aprehensive. Whilst I have hated missing a month of TTC, it has also been nice not concentrating on every symptom, niggle, feeling! Oh well, whatever will be will be!
Powelly - good to hear from you again...sorry that no IVF starting this month... but sometimes just having that break like you said can be the most re juveninating thing, for the body mind and soul. Have my fingers crossed for the next cycle..... and make sure DH is around at the vital times, no ifs no buts next time...
Kate - like Gi I am worried about you..... my counsellor says that grieving people are like sponges - they too readily absorb the grief around them, sometimes to their detriment. So.... be sure to look out for yourself and not give too much of yourself to your friend. You sound as if you have done exactly what was needed for her. I agree with Gi, the first funeral after your own angel is so very hard. I went to my best friends mum's funeral in between losing Nicholas but still being pregnant with Sophie, and it was the first since both Amelia's & Nicholas' funerals. Although sometimes the oddest things can happen. My friends mum was catholic so the service was catholic which meant incense... after a while my strong will was required not to gag or puke at the aroma of the incense which did take my mind off my own spiraling dark thoughts. And even more ironic? My friend was having the same experience... with not gagging. Strange the things you can share with your friends. Sorry that you didn't get your bfp...
Gi - I hear you so much on becoming even closer to DH than you thought, through the grief and adversity of having your precious child die and the struggle to make a life in the aftermath. I am so proud of you and your DH for being able to do that... it really says something to me about the commitment to each other and also your DD. But remember it's not just the circumstances you found yourselves in, you both have worked hard to reveal an even deeper love and respect for each other. I find that I have changed too - last night I was just a mess. I started to cry because one of the cats knocked over my glass of water ( I left it unattended, so my bad), and DH went to clean it up for me. Then I cried because I felt DH left me (to clean up the mess)... but in the old days I would have not tried to understand why I was upset and just react to the initial feeling of being excluded by DH or worse imply that DH was blaming me for something that he wasn't even remotely blaming me for. Instead I just thought about why I was so upset (and cried, of course)but then could tell DH what was going on rather than just reacting to something that (a) wasn't the real cause of my upset and (b) making DH defensive by seeming to make it about him rather than who it was really about which was me. I have to say though it was hard work as sometimes it's really hard to work out why exactly I am upset. That was last night. A whole bunch of other stuff was actually why I was upset, it was just it reached crisis point when I felt excluded/blamed. And bless him DH was so good with me when I finally worked it out and he had an inkling of what was going on for me before I did.
I am sorry you didn't get your bfp...I was really hoping... but I have enough hope for your next cycle....
Chez - so proud of you! A friend of mine was offered a donated egg recently and she turned it down. She wasn't ready for that journey yet. But she was really honoured to have been made the offer. It's not every day that you get the offer of such an amazing gift. I am hoping that you get an offer like that or that you have an easy enough time finding an egg donor. My friends SIL has children now as a result of an ED, but I am not too sure how they actually came to arranging the ED. I have to say I am completely in the dark as to how it's done.
All ok here. I have a cluster of symptoms that the Dr is now watching, and went in yesterday at my own request for a consult and have another pre scheduled consult tomorrow. So glad I live close by to the Drs rooms and hossy. Not that I selected the Dr's based on that in the first place, but it certainly has been handy, as it turns out. Will keep you updated. Am making sure I rest even more now.... just when I thought I might be able to become a bit more mobile and independent! At least I still get to enjoy lots of cat cuddles.....
Dory- How did your Dr's appointments go? Is everything OK? I know if I ever get pg again they are going to induce the baby at 38 weeks......
Don't worry about wanting to be mobile. You'll have plenty of time for that marching about the house rocking your baby back to sleep at 2am.......no need to worry about enjoying some "still" time now.
Chez- I am gald about your decision. Brave but good decision. My DH doesn't want that as an option.....shame.
Powelly- we might be doing IVF in the same month! We have decided to wait until next month as hubby will be away around the "crucial" time this month. Maybe we'll manage IVF "twins" together?
AFM-no IVF this cycle as mentioned. went away to a horse thingy (NSW state squad training as a groom) and expected AF to arrive whileI was away. I haven't ever been late before but since I had Ellen my cycle seems to have gone from 28 days to 30........this month 33! What the??? I thought for about 24 ours that I might have been pg and the BFN I got had been wrong.....no such luck! Well one more natural try this month then onto IVF.
Dear and lovely friends,
How are you all. I have to say I am a bit lost today so I will do my best with personals. I will have to catch up later if i miss anyone.
Kate, How are you doing hun? Dory is so right about the 'sponges' analogy. I think i got used to handling so much i tried to do it all. I ended up a bit bitter and angry when i needed the space for me and no one would give it. Funny how we are all different but there is some much in each persons story and experience that speaks to us all. I hope you are doing well today sweety...and if you are not, good on you. Just feel everything that comes to the surface, don't be scared. I think it is important to give ourselves permission and ackowlegde when we are sad. But hell if you are feel good then that is great too. I have gotten to a stage where, everything is how it should be...I TRY not to question it. Exist in the now, love and be loved. Boy, you poor thing...you probably didn't ask for all this advice and opinion. Sorry hun...been thinking of you.
Chez, How are you going? I agree with Kate, brave but good hun. I think is a a wonderful choice as i have said before. I hope all is underway for this next step and it is moving smoothly.
Dory, Yes it is so true...you will not be still for long my love. You are not far from having to run your little toosh off after your earthside bubba. So rest love and enjoy it as best you can. Now is a time to get some projects underway...learn to knit....paint a couple of paintings....catch up on dvds....sew something. Pick a hobby hun...any one and be a master at it. You are doing a great job. I have to say if i was TOLD to stay put, i would really struggle!!!
Powelly, i think you asked me where i was at re cycle...forgive me if it was not you. Maybe it was Suz...I am on a differenet page now and i can't remember. I will update below but no, I am not pregas...as much as it gutted us this month, I have been so so busy with projects and distractions, we are doing ok.
ChrisW, Hope you are recovering nicely hun. How are you going and did the op go well...Sorry if i missed your update. Been thinking of you.xx
Beata, Hope, SusieQ, Miss Tess, Samcougar other lovely ladies that pop in. Hope you are all doing well. Oh and Cmegles...has anyone heard how she is doing? Crumpet, Teni- if you still drop in...hi. i know i am missing someone.xxxx
AFM- Well we are CD7 now and in light of last months early OV...I will start testing today/tonight. I have had to take a couple of days off my exercise adventure through AF but i was also renovating through most of it. My body is quite sore so it seems i got some work out in there.
We almost instantly...even a couple of days before, started jsutifying and comforting ourselves as to why we didn't think and then later, knew we weren't pregnant. I am still working with chemicals renovating, the unit isn't finished, My weight and fitness needs a little more time to come under wraps...etc etc. That helped us get through it.
It also helped a bit, i guess, that we have had lots of action and new things going on in the house. This week we have had an aircon installed, i finished renovating a big old cupboard, our oven has been installed and built in, all the lighting has been done. We have not had an oven since Sept last year...so yep it has been an exciting week and full of lovely distractions.
Dh has been studying his little butt off which is great as i don;t have to nag him. He has his exams this week coming.
The garden is also coming along, a few things planted this morning. My SIL birthday is this week and I have sorted her gift. I looked after my nephew on fri and he slept 3 1/2 hours!!! Little star. I am having the girls in the family around for morning tea/lunch on thurs for SIL bday.
Ahhhhh...big sigh of relief to get it all down. It has been a crazy busy week....and there is plenty more on the quotes/emails and phone call front, couple of trips to bunnings, a movie with my nephew ...Tinker Bell...a MUST SEE! It was so lovely. I feel like i have not stopped. It certainly feels good to have my health doing well. Boy i need it.
So now, MY part of the month starts. Well I would normally say that a few days ago now...as AF is a time of rest for me. It just didn;t paly out that way this time. I will have to get some rest in the next couple of days instead. So now some counting down of days...waiting and a few moments to collect myself. My energy will have to be shared a little between renovating and nurturing the potential of life!
Love to you all and hope you are all (except Dory) keeping yourselves busy too. Little projects, slow one, or big gigantor ones...thinking of you all.xoxo
It seems as though my journey is taking a different path than the one I expected. Last Thurs I got my diagnosis of Asherman's. Even though I suspected it, actually having it confirmed made me feel physically ill. The specialist couldn't tell me how bad it was until I have a hysterscopy done which is planned for the beginning of Sept. So the wait is killing me.
My problem is that my mind races three steps ahead and I am already imagining being infertile and my DS being an only child. I think this has been made worse by the consultant mentioning IVF Surrogacy. I think he was just trying to lay out the options but of course this is all I can think about.
There are many positive outcomes to Asherman's though so I can only hope I am one of them.
So the plan is surgery and then a month or more of estrogen therapy to rebuild my lining (if possible, it was measly 4mm at cd12) and potentially more follow up surgery (2 or 3 surgeries in all is what he mentioned).
So my lovely ladies, this will be my last post in the TTC thread. Good luck to you all on your TTC journey's, I really do hope that you all find the happy ending you are searching for.
Thank you all too, for your kind words and for the support that you have provided me in an incredibly dark time of my life.
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