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Lynn - Cooper's site and garden are both just beautiful. You guys have done such a good job and you've inspired me to do a little garden for my bub. I have been sitting here just bawling after reading all of your poems and quotes. Well done. I am so glad that you have a special place to go and think about your precious boy.
Thank you so much Bailey. I am so glad that I have inspired you to do a little garden. Ours is only little but it is someone to go.
Trish - thank you for showing us Charlotte's garden as this is what inspired me to do one for Cooper.
Hi everyone,
Lynn - Cooper's garden is beautiful, you guys should be very proud and I am sure Cooper loves it :hug: The poems in the journal have me sitting here with tears running down my cheeks, especially "ten tiny toes". We read so many poems planning Nicholas' funeral but I have never read that one, it is one I probably would have chosen. It touches my heart as if I had written it myself. It was nice to see Cooper's hand and foot prints too. How did you create that site? It is beautiful and I would love to do one for Nicholas as I feel it would be honouring his life (as short as it may have been) and also help me.
Kirsty - Hope you are feeling better today, I am not sure how long you feel uncomfortable for after such a procedure but it sounds like it would defnitely make you feel uncomfy for quite a few days. The dr sounds confident that all was good which is great, I am sure it will be fine on the 12th.
Clare - Your m/s sounds pretty bad, hopefully you start to feel a little better soon. I wished you m/s when you got your bfp cause its a good sign that everything is going well, but not quite this much... sorry bout that!
Spring - I thought you had an OB app on 31st? I must have gotten it wrong. Anyway, hope your feeling ok and enjoying your little bean even just a tiny bit cause I know you are probably really anxious as well, I won't wish you morning sickness though cause I did that to Clare and look where she is now! How you settling into Sydney?
Me - I don't know what's wrong with me, I have had a reasonably good couple of days and went to dinner for my mums birthday on Monday and dinner last night with friends and was fine. Today I have the day off and have slept most of the morning, only got up at 1.00 but feel so tired like I haven't slept at all. I have woken up feeling really depressed and have a massive headache. I keep thinking about Friday and getting really upset. I found out I was pregnant on 26th Jan last year and I wasn't all that happy when I found out because we weren't planning it. I was in shock, and worried about how we would afford to have a baby (that lasted about a day or 2 before I fell in love with the idea). Now I am thinking exactly a year ago I thought this, and today I want my baby with me so much and I would give anything to make that happen but he isn't coming back and I just wish so much that I hadn't had those thoughts a year ago because maybe that is why he is gone, maybe it's my punishment for not being happy when I found out. Imagine how poor little Nicholas felt being inside my tummy thinking he wasn't wanted! So anyway, I don't want Friday to come. What a stupid day to get upset about!
A year ago on Friday I was wishing I wasn't pregnant and now I want that so desperately and it is just not working. I don't think it will have worked this month either cause we have been trying and yesterday I had this tender feeling in my tummy, almost really severe bloating with occasional cramping sensations, to the point where I am wondering if I am going to get AF early. It really feels like PM symptoms and I am not due until 5 Feb. Today I don't seem to have as much tenderness but it is still there a little, but the headache I have is shocking. But I should stop whinging, there are people worse off than me I know that.
DH is working late tonight which is just great, the one day I need some company and he has to work late!
Mel - I have found so much comfort in poems and songs and have search for ones that I feel I could have written because they are about how I am feeling. I am glad that I was able to show you 'Ten Tiny Toes' and that it touched your heart. It touched my heart the first time I read it and it continues to. I think that creating this website has helped me as I am able to show things in Cooper's memory. I can't show him off so I want to show things off that I have done in his memory. I can't watch him grow, but I can now watch his garden grow. This is why the garden was so important to me. Maybe you could do a little garden for Nicholas. I know that it has helped me and now I have somewhere to go......to think, to cry, to talk, whatever. It is my little place. I hope that creating a website helps you and I would love to see it once you have done it. We played 2 songs at Cooper's funeral that I still listen to nearly every day. I want to share them with you - the first one was called 'Fly' by Celine Dion and the second was 'There you'll be' by Faith Hill. I will email them to you so you can hear them. I'm sure that you had songs at Nicholas' funeral and these are very special to you but I wanted to share Cooper's songs with you.
I hope you are feeling a little bit better now and that your headache has gone. It is a natural reaction to be shocked when you found out that you were pregant if you weren't trying to. Please don't think that any feelings you had in the first few days had anything to do with Nicholas leaving you. It was definitely not punishment. I'm sure that Nicholas knew how much he was wanted by his mummy and daddy and you would have had so much love for him and he probably forgot about the first 2 days because he had so many other special days after this. He knew what love you had for him, you are his mummy and a special one at that. It is definitely not a stupid day to get upset about. I get upset every Tuesday because it is another week without Cooper. This week was particularly hard because yesterday Cooper would have been 8 weeks old and on Sunday he will be 2 months old (depends if you count weeks or months). There are many dates that will upset us and only we know why. People will think that we can only get upset on the anniversary but for us it is so much more than that.
I do hope so much that it isn't AF about to arrive and that you get your BFP.
I just want to give you a big hug :hug:
Hi Lynn - I figured out how to create a webpage for Nicholas and have done so. I thought it would take forever but I knew exactly how I wanted it to be. It has helped me feel a little better. I want to put it on my signature to show people who I am so proud of and love with all my heart, but I am a bit scared now. I worry what people will think of it, so I will sit on it for a while and think about what to do. I feel so proud of my baby, and although he is not with me he has changed my life so much. We wouldn't even be married right now if it weren't for him showing us what really is important in life - each other, and our families!
I would love to hear Cooper's songs, I don't think I have heard them before although I have heard of the women who sing them. We did play songs at Nicholas' funeral, we played My Immortal - by Evanescence (it is DH favourite song and he wanted it played, only problem is we can't listen to it without crying now), The Rose by Bette Midler and Tears In Heaven by Eric Clapton. I find it really difficult to listen to all of those songs, especially My Immortal because it's played on commercial radio all the time so sometimes I am sitting at work and it comes on the radio and I have to go off to the toilet and have a cry :frown:
I think it is a beautiful thing that you have Cooper's garden to go and sit in and I really would love to do something similar myself. The problem for us is that we rent our house and I don't want to do a garden for Nicholas here because if the time ever comes that we move I would be heartbroken having to leave the garden and also thinking what if the next tennant or the landlord got rid of it. Anyway, DH and I are hoping to build our own home in the next year or 2 so maybe it is something I could keep in mind for that time.
Nicholas would be 5 months old on 5 February, which also happens to be the day I am due for AF - It's funny (or not so) how cruel life can be isn't it. So that will be a tough one I think, being upset because Nicholas would have been 5 months and then getting a slap in the face on top of it saying 'haha your not pregnant this month either'!
I can imagine Tuesdays are hard, I am right there with you on the Tuesdays as Nicholas was also born on a Tuesday, I don't find them so hard to get through now but I do think of him on Tuesdays when I wake up (mind you I guess I think of him every day but ykwim). I will be thinking of you on Sunday for Cooper's 2 month birthday. I hope you can find solice in your garden knowing the Cooper is sitting right along side you, you just can't see him :hug:
Clare - for the m/s try travel bands... they helped me. You get them from the chemist and they work on accupressure points in your wrists. They were designed for travel sickness but work a treat on m/s. While they didn't get rid of my m/s fully (I had trips to the hospital with mine) they made life bearable and I was able to go to work and keep food down. Definately worth a try. They are bout $20 a pair but so worth it.
Lynn - Just off to check out your website. So glad you and DH got to make your garden.
Well after removing my angels from my signature I have decided to put them back in... there were so many of them it just made me sad... but they are real and deserve to be acknowledged.
Mel - Not wanting to be pg is common for all women at some stage in their pg... bet it didn't take long for you to fall in love with Nicholas after the inital shock.. He would have known you loved him so much. New born babies have very short memories on lots of things so it is only the constant and repetative things that make a mark... my theory is that for the majority of your pg you loved your little angel with all your heart and that will be what he remembers feeling... not the other early stuff. Please don't blame yourself or your initial reaction for your tragic loss.
I like to believe that we are chosen to be the mum's of angels because we are the ones who are strong enough to bare the burden. For some reason some little souls only get to stay a while, and we are the women who have the strength and love to give them their short stays. I know this is wierd but it helps me cope, maybe it can help you too.
Mel - I would love to share Nicholas' website with you. Also in regards to a garden and renting, you could get a nice large planter box or even half a wine barrel and make a minature garden for Nicholas, then when you move you can just take it with you, knowing it will always be loved and cared for as much as your son.
Clare - I agree with Jo, travel bands helped me with m/s
Jo - I am so glad that you have your angels on your signature. You are right, they are real and should be acknowledged.
Mel - when I think of Cooper every Tuesday, I will also think of Nicholas. :hug: I would love to see your website, when you have it ready. I agree with Jo, perhaps you could get a plant and put it in a nice pot. Then you could watch it grow.
Lynn - Cooper's site is beautiful. I am so honoured that I have been able to share him with you in this way. B was on my knee when I looked at it and she touched the his foot and said bubba then gave it a kiss. It bought tears to my eyes.
Hey everyone,
Thanks Lynn & Jo, as you can see I have added Nicholas' web link. I am such a copy cat I know, not deliberately but just cause I don't think of these things until I see them. I hope it doesn't offend anybody, be warned that I have included photos of Nicholas and if anyone is upset by them let me know and I will remove the link.
Mel
P.S. Jo that is so beautiful that your little girl touched Cooper's foot and gave it a kiss - kids are so adorable :)
Oh Jo - Bridie is just gorgeous. That has brought tears to my eyes. I am glad that I have been able to share the memory of Cooper with you. I was saying to a friend that it is really hard having had a baby but not being able to show people, this is the next best thing for me. I can't show Cooper off but I can show people the things I have done in memory of him. This helps me..........................I wonder does he know that he is helping me through this.
Don't worry Mel, I am a copycat too. I got the idea from Trish (thanks Trish). I think it is nice that we can all share the things that we do in memory of our angels. :hug:
Thanks Lynn, I was thinking everyone is gonna say geez can't that girl come up with anything on her own, lol. Now I just hope noone get upset that I have put it there. Good luck for that reply :)
Wow it's been a busy day so here goes.
Mel babe, I am so sorry that you are feeling down. When you are ready to share Nicholas' website I would be honoured to visit it. When you initially sent me the photos of Nicholas there were so many simularities between the pictures you had of your son and the ones I had of Harrison. The way the looked like perfect little sleeping angels, the heartbreak on our faces. I can imagine how much you are dreading the 26th. To be totally honest, there were times during my pregnancy when I just felt so overwhelmed. I felt like a bad person for not being the glowing first time mother. Just after my amniocentesis I remember saying, if I am going to lose him I want it to happen now not at full term. I felt so guitly about that and still do but I realise that I was an emotional wreck and wasn't thinking straight. What I am getting at is please do not feel bad about the initial shock of finding out you were pregnant. I know that you loved Nicholas with every little bit of your heart and nothing will ever change that. Also, don't give up on a BFP this month just yet. It ain't over until the witch sings. I know how certain days can be really tough. I feel that way about Fridays as that was the day Harry was born but also I get really upset on Thursdays because that was the day we found out we had lost him. I still have flashbacks, especially when I am trying to fall asleep and certain memories seem to haunt my dreams. Just know that I am here for you no matter what and I just want to pop over and give you a huge :hugs: Oh and you were right, I did have an appointment on the 31st but I have decided not to go to that ob as he is over a hour away and so I am going to the GP instead. This GP is a new one who was recommended by my new ob so hopefully I don't come out traumatised like last time.
Lynn: Cooper's garden is wonderful. I placed a message in your guestbook. Your website is really sweet and seeing Coopers precious little hand and footprints was so touching, I couldn't help but shed a tear for your angel. I will be thinking of you and your DH on Sunday and I will take some time on that day to say hello to your little boy. I am sure Harry is up there looking out for him.
Kerry: Bridgid sounds like such a special little girl. How sweet that she touched Coopers foot and said bubba. I love the innocence of children. You must be a very proud mummy. I agree with you, most women at one stage or another freak out about being pregant, I did.
I know some of you are having a tough time at the moment so all I will say about me is that everything is going ok. No major symptoms yet so I am a little worried but there is nothing I can do.
Oh and Lynn, you mentioned the idea of a local catch up. I think this is a fantastic idea. Perhaps we could nominate a person each month in each state/area who plans the time place etc, and then those who can make it email her and confirm. I think it is easier that way than everyone sending emails back and forth trying to figure out a free time. I remember you saying you lived about 10 mins away, I am in Blacktown so I am happy to orgainise a Feb catch up. Does that sound like a good Idea? For anyone in Sydney just let me know where you live and I will try to pick somewhere central. If anyone in the Sydney area wants to join in please let me know. Probably best also if we try to aviod particularly difficult days like an anniversary. How about we meet at a local coffee shop which is quiet so that we can have a bit of privacy. We can get to know eachother over a nice cuppa and a big fat slice of cake. Let me know what you think. For the other states, do you guys think it is a nice idea. Hey we could even have a annual girls weekend full of friendship, tears and open hearts but I think I am getting a little ahead of myself.
Anyway I'll try and pop in later to say hi.
My love to every one of you.
:hugs:
Spring
Lynn, I had a look at Coopers garden, you did a wonderful job. We were going to make one for Max, but with the size of our property a garden would probably get lost. I am thinking about planting a special fruit tree and putting a plaque on it.
Thanks for the tips on the acupuncture bands, will definately give them a try. Please dont anyone think I am complaining about having it, I just need to take the edge off it so I dont spend my night with my head down the loo!
Mel, I am glad you have done a website for Nicholas, I would feel honoured to visit once you have posted the link. By the way your symptoms sound very promising! Fingers crossed for that BFP this month.
Everyone else, hope you are all well.
Spring - I think that it's an excellent idea to do meet-ups. There are some things you can only say to those who really understand huh? For the Sydney girl's just to let you know, there is a support group for parents of stillborn babies that is run by Sids and Kids and their next meeting is the 21st of Feb. I'n not even really sure what it actually entails. It's at Rozelle Hospital. I'm still finding it hard to talk about my loss, so I am not sure how I will go, but it can't hurt can it? Either way it really does help to know that you aren't alone doesn't it? If anyone wants any more details about it let me know.
Hey Spring, just cause some of us aren't feeling all that flash don't feel like you have to keep anything to yourself, we are all over the moon about your little bean and want to hear all about it. Fair enough on the OB, besides it doesn't matter when you see them really as long as they make you feel comfy when you do. I noticed the similarities between our boys too, but then it has been pretty freakish how many similarities there are about a lot of things really. I think it is a nice idea to catch up with others, I don't think many here are from Melbourne though so I will have to stick to BB, but I hope you Sydney gals can organise something... hey if we win the lottery I will fly up and meet you all, lol... dream on Mel - I could really see myself sailing in a private yacht!
Unfortunately Clare I don't have any symptoms :frown: I just feel like I am getting AF, its kind of gone tonight and I feel ok in my tummy so maybe it was just a tummy thing. I am still not holding out much hope though, it hasn't happened the last few months so no reason why this month will be any different huh!
Mel
P.S. I had already put a link in my signature to Nicholas' web page.
Oh and, Bailey & Jo - I am glad you now feel comfortable enough to add your bubba's to your sigs. I hope it gives you some comfort in doing that :)
Spring - I think that it is an excellent idea for us to all catch up. I will email you so we can start to organise something. Mel, I wish you could come......start sailing (lol) :) And I agree with Mel, you can talk about your little bean as much as you want.
Clare - You are lucky to have a big property. I think a fruit tree would be lovely. DH would love 5 acres...............he's dreaming if he think we can get one in Sydney!!! Hope the bands work for you and don't worry about the complaining about m/s, I know what it is like.
Bailey - I would love more details on the support group at Rozelle Hospital. Could you please let me know. I think it is great that you have your angel in your signature. I know you are finding it hard to talk about your loss but we are all here to listen when you are ready. I find that talking about it helps me, but we are all different. Whatever is best for you. :hug:
Mel i don't think the link has worked, all i can see is a red cross. Am i looking in the wrong spot. Also, sorry I thought I read that you had cramping type AF pains, and some other unusual symptoms for this time of your cycle. I still have my fingers crossed for you hun
Hi Lynn - The number is 1800 651 186, you need to call them up and book in. As I said, I'm not really sure what it is all about but it certainly won't hurt to find out. I haven't called them yet, I just got the details today, but I am going to do it in the morning. I found out about it through a friend who lost her little man at chrissy time:frown: So we thought we'd go together.
Mel & Lynn - Yep, I put her in my sig....it was, strangely, quite hard to do. I went in to do it so many times and then I just went back and deleted it. I don't know why, I guess putting it down there in writing makes it so real..I don't know. Thanks for all being so understanding. Oh, and I know a few of you have asked her name, and I have sort of ignored the question, it's hard to even say it to myself sometimes, it just makes me so sad. Her name is Asha, it was a name we had picked out as soon as we knew we were having a little girl.
Clare - Don't apologise you are right, I did say I was having AF symptoms, but not the type of AF symptoms you get when pg cause I don't think you would get cramping would you? And I would think even if I was it would be too early to get any symptoms cause I am only on day 17 of cycle (although ticker says 18 - damn thing!) which means I was only due to ovulate on Sunday, it wouldn't even have implanted yet I don't think. Anyway, I dunno all this stuff does my head in, lol. Oh and with the link, when I click on it its working but I maybe that is just cause it is my link? I will try to fix it if it continues, sorry. If anyone else has trouble let me know.
Bailey - Asha is a beautiful name and I know it is hard for you but I am so pleased you feel you can share her with us all :hug:
Bailey - Asha is a beautiful name. Thank you for sharing it with us. Thank you for the phone number - I might give them a call and find out more about it.
Hey Spring your email address didn't work. Is there an au on the end?
I hadn't done the link correctly but I think I fixed it so you should all be able to view now. Sorry bout that :)
Oh Mel, you have done a lovely job with the website for Nicholas. What a beautiful family you have, especially love the wall with all your pictures.
Thankyou for sharing with us.
Oh and as far as cramping (like AF is coming but way too early)... yep thats how it started with me for both Shelby and Max's pregnancy and around 3 DPO. The cramps with this bub didn't start until 7 DPO and that felt like I had ben kicked in the stomach.
I just got my ultrasound referral form in the mail for the NT scan. :eek: So wasn't expecting to receive that already. Its booked for in 6 weeks time, I am trying to not even think about it at the moment as I know I will start to panic.
Hope you all have a good day.
Thanks Clare - it helped me alot having done that yesterday. Admittedly, I was crying while doing it but I felt some satisfaction afterwards in having done something for my boy.
I do remember having some AF symptoms last pg but didn't have cramping and didn't realise this was possible, I always thought cramping was a bad thing. Oh well, keep :crossfingers: then.
I can imagine you are nervous about your scan, I am sure your little bubba will be fine though. And while that m/s is hanging around you can be pretty sure everything is good :)
Mel - Nicholas is beautiful and you have done such a great job on his site:) Also, I had some AF like cramping with both of my pregnancies which made me think I was about to get AF when I was actually pregnant. So :crossfingers: for you!
Lynn - I called that number today to book in for the support group, it was a little bit of a runaround, I had to wait for someone to call me back. Now they are getting a counseller to call me back next week to talk and then they will give me all the details. Not sure why that is?? :dunno:
Mel - don't want to get your hopes up but I am a bit of an expert on early pg symptoms (well at least my early pg symptoms) and the main one I found was it felt like af was coming with a vengance for 2-3 weels (even after I knew I was pg) it just feels like its coming but never does. Most of my m/c have been late first tri, early second tri. Nicholas' site is just beautiful, and in the words of Brigid.. "ahh bubba nie-nie".. which is just how he looks, like a precious sleeping angel. Bugger what anyone else says, don't take his picture from your site, he is a real person and an adorable one at that and he deserves to be seen by the world that he was just too darn good for!
OK confession time, sometimes I feel jealous of you guys. I have never got to see my precious angels as they all left too soon. I would have loved to have seen what they looked like and then I get guilty and think how awful of me is that. Oh well, if we couldn't deal with it we would get it.. Life only gives us what we can handle, even if at the time we think we can't.
Thanks Jo, I am having more cramping since this afternoon so I hope all you girls are right and it could be pg symptoms... could I be that lucky? :pray:
Your little girl is so beautiful, the way she has reacted to both Cooper and Nicholas shows what a special person she is and it makes me feel teary knowing she said nie-nie to him, he does just look like he is asleep.
Don't feel guilty about wanting to have seen your angels, I am sure it is a natural thing to want and you are not awful. Sometimes I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to see and touch Nicholas, but other times I wonder if it would be easier to not have those memories etched in my head because they are really hard to handle sometimes. But I really think there is good and bad in all situations. While I am so grateful for having had the opportunity to meet Nicholas and I love him with all my heart, it was a very difficult having to hold him in my arms and give him back knowing I would never hold him again. As much as I would never give back that opportunity, my dreams and thoughts are constantly filled with looking at his little face and touching his cold cheek, knowing this was my child and I was never going to see him grow into a man.
On the flip side though, I am sure I would be feeling the same way as you had it been different.
Thanks again, I think you are right about him being to good for this world - that goes for all of our angels :hug:
Mel
Just a quickie from me atm.
Just wanted to say Mel what a beautiful little man you have, & you should be very proud of the site you have created for him.
Mel - I didn't see Asha let alone hold her. I just couldn't. My first reaction when I knew she had died was to almost just want her out and pretend that she didn't exist, as horrible as that sounds. After a few hours when it had sunk in, I couldn't see her because I knew I would never be able to let her go:frown: My DP was actually away when we found out she had passed, and wasn't due back home until the next morning, by which time she had already been delivered by cesarean. He went and spent some time with her, which I am so glad he did as I feel he did it for the both of us when I wasn't strong enough. I am just telling you this because I want you to know that you made the right decision to spend time with your Nicholas, you really did. As hard as it is now to remember him like that, you will one day cherish those memories I am sure. We all grieve and deal with things differently, and for me, at this point, I still feel like I did the right thing for me at the time, but I still at times regret not seeing her and spending time with her and I am scared that one day I will really wish that I had. But as I said, I have to keep telling myself it was the right thing for me at the time. I am so glad that the hospital took some pictures and hand and foot prints for me, because I look at them all the time.
Jo - I can see what you mean about not being able to see your babies. Maybe looking at your little miracle Brigid will give you a little hint of what they would have been like. And she is so cute by the way:D I just checked her out in your pics
Bailey - that support group sounds a little strange, doesn't it. Let me know how you go.
Jo - you should be so proud of your little girl. She is just adorable. She is so right, that Nicholas looks like a sleeping baby - a gorgeous one.
We are always second guessing decisions we have made. I think we have to remember that a lot of these decisions are made at a time where we are really not in the right state of mind, mostly in shock. I know I have at some stages over the past 2 months regretted some of the decisions I made, but I have realised (with the help of Mel - thanks :) ) that we think these are the right decisions at that time.
I am so grateful that I was given the chance to hold and kiss my little angel and spend as much time as I wanted with him. DH and I made the decision that we would be the only ones to hold and see Cooper. To this day I feel some sort of regret that I didn't allow my parents and DH's parents to meet their first grandchild. This has been taken away from them and can never be given back. They all understand that it was our decision and they accept that but I think that deep down they would have loved to have met their grandson.
Bailey - you have your precious photos of your angel and you can look at them as much as you want to. I have photos of Cooper and look at them all the time.
Mel - I hope your cramps mean you are about to get your BFP - that would be awesome and I would be so excited for you. Will be thinking of you tomorrow, take care and be strong. Sending you a big :hug:
Mel: The way you put together Nicholas' web page was absolutely beautiful. You should be so proud of it and more importantly so proud of yourself for having the courage and strenght to do it for your little man. How are you feeling today? I know you were worried about today being a tough day so just know that I am sending you huge warm :hugs: filled with love and friendship. Oh the cramping, that sounds so familiar to what I had this time. I don't remember having it with the twins but this time I felt a very low continual cramping on my front and back. I can't remember exactly when it started but it was fairly early and continued until after I got my BFP. Oh boy I hope this is a BFP for you! I have everything crossed. When are you going to test? I know you are only about 7 DPO but knowing you I am sure your have tried a few already (lol). You deserve fantastic news and I am sending you every little bit of :stickyvibesboy: I can.
Lynn - If you still want to, catching up sounds great. Sorry for the wrong email address it is Kristy_Greenhatch@hotmail.com ( _ not . between my name) There is no au on the end. Hope that works. LOl about DH wanting 5 acres in Sydney. My DH thinks that we are going to be able to do that also one day, we better win the lottery also, but for now he will have to be content with the residential size block we have.
Bailey: I know it would have been hard for you putting your little Angel in your signature but you should be so proud of yourself for doing it. Asha is such a beautiful name and I am sure it suits your perfect little angel. About the support group you have mentioned, I just don't know if it is right for me. I think a small informal gathering would be better for me at this stage. Because I am UTD at the moment, I don't want hear stories that get me any more worried (make that petrified) than I already am. Call me a sook but I don't think I am in a position to cope with that yet. Can I be a real coward and ask you how it goes? I would love to hear what you think of it. Also, about not wanting to hold Asha, I truely believe that we do what is right for us at the time. I know for a fact that Asha has the most wonderful loving mummy and nothing will change that.
Clare: Well the freak out begins for the NT scan. I can only imagine how petrified you are but I am sure in my heart that it will be ok, well not ok, Fantastic. I have my first scan in 18 sleeps so I am getting into freak out mode also. When you have the scan you will have to post your pics.
Well me, I had a crazy day at work yesterday and didn't get home until 8.00pm. So much for taking it easy. I advise the Minister for Workplace Relations about Industrial Law matters and there are a lot of employers not behaving at the moment so hence poor Spring has to work back. There was talk of going in today but I managed to avoid that. No one at work knows I'm pregnant so hopefully once I tell them they let me take it a bit easy. To be honest, it is great being so busy because the day just flys by. Well no more symptoms. I know I am a dill, but I did another HPT last night and the line was as dark as the control line within about 30 seconds. I guess I'm still tired and heaps of CM so that will have to do for symptoms for now.
Anway gals, I have three days off so I am going to be in here often so I don't get behind again.
Love ya guts
Spring Angel
Just a quick one - Clare & Mel I have been reading your posts about cramping. I am probably putting it in mind and wishing that I had cramping, but I think i do. I don't remember ever having it with Cooper. I had a BT last Friday and got the results on Monday saying I hadn't o'd but on Saturday I got 2 dark lines on OPK and my temps went up on Tuesday. I went and saw my GP on Wednesday and she wants me to get a BT tomorrow. I just hope it says that I o'd so at least I know my body is working (a weird cycle, very late o'ing but at least working). I am only 4 DPO so not sure if cramping starts this early. It is probably just AF about to raise her ugly head :frown:
Mel sweetie - not sure if you are coming on line today but just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. Sending you a big :hug:
Thanks Kirsty, Spring, Lynn, Clare, Jo & Bailey - for looking at Nicholas' page, it means a lot to me :hug: And thanks to everyone who left a message in his guest book, it makes it so much more special (I have to admit I didn't realise there was a guest book on those pages until I read Spring said she signed Cooper's, lol).... :doh: And also thank you to everyone who is thinking of me today.
Well strangely enough I am ok today, I think I may have had my freak out on Wednesday and it is out of my system. I remember I did that on 22 Sept which was the day Nicholas was meant to be induced. The day prior to 22nd I was a total mess and couldn't pull myself together at all, but then on the actual day my sister, BIL and nephew (niece wasn't born then but I guess technically she was there too, lol) came over to be with us and it was ok. I am so weird!
Bailey - I agree with the other girls, you made the right decision about holding Asha at the time, each person is different and you have to remember that had you held her you may have a whole lot of different regrets now. While it was the right thing for some of us to do, everyone is different and it doesn't mean you did anything wrong, simply something different. And I really do think shock plays a big part in our decision at that time. I remember when I first found out Nicholas had passed away I sat myself down in the hallway and refused to get up saying I wasn't going to do this and I wanted to go home - that is not something I would do under normal circumstances, it something a child would do! Also when I first delivered Nicholas they asked me if I wanted him to go straight up onto my chest and I said no, not cause I didn't want to see him I honestly just didn't know what I wanted. They gave him a little wipe over and DH held him before I did, partly because I didn't think I could get through it. I remember just thinking to myself that I was gonna wake up soon. Whereas other mums on here held their bubs as soon as they could - each person reacts differently and can handle different things. You still loved Asha and she knew this because she felt it inside, I am sure she understands your decisions. Besides you had nearly 8 months of holding her inside your belly, this is what she would remember :hug:
Lynn - Fingers crossed for cramping (although it isn't very pleasant!). I am pretty sure if you got dark lines on your OPK you would have o'd, I don't think they usually give false positives do they? If AF is about to raise her head, I hope she is kind and hopefully it means your cycle will start regulating for you - its the least mother nature can do huh!
Spring - That sucks about having to work so late, you are right though keeping yourself busy is a good thing especially cause you have extra stuff to stress about now. But still make sure you look after yourself and that little bubba, and maybe tell your work early? If they know now they won't run you ragged, and they will be more understanding of tiredness and also if you DO get m/s they may noticed you running to the loo every 5 mins anyway, lol. I know what you mean about wanting m/s but maybe you just won't get it. Isn't it funny most women would be so envious of you, I remember when I was pg everyone always told me how lucky I was and how muc they hated me cause I never had one min of m/s... shoes on the other foot now admittedly, but it would make you feel so much better - in a way.
Well, would you believe I have NOT done any tests yet. I feel a little more relaxed this month, I don't know why. I know I will still be a mess if and when AF arrives but at the moment I am not too stressed. I saw a dietician last Monday who told me that there has been new research showing that while TTC you should avoid alcohol because it can be linked to birth defects, despite the studies showing it wasn't too harmful. So of course I went home telling DH I can never drink and bla bla bla. Well, call me irresponsible but I have decided that I am going to! Not because I want to harm my baby, and I really don't drink all that much. But my family are coming over Sat night to celebrate my birthday and have a few drinks and play pool and stuff, and then Wednesday (actual bday) DH is taking me out to dinner and I keep thinking if I am not pg I will regret not enjoying my 30th so much and it will make it even harder to deal with. It's my 30th! I was meant to have my baby in my arms to help celebrate my 30th! Surely if I can't have that, the least I can ask for is to have a few drinks? Not write myself off, just enjoy myself!
Anyways, I am actually 6DPO (I think) and I was thinking about doing a test today just for old times sake, LOL, but would expect that it is far too early to show anything so think I would just be torturing myself unnecessarily. So I won't test until Wednesday (give me the strength :pray:), I think if I get a negative on Wednesday (11DPO) then I have permission to have a couple of Margarita's that night, if it is positive well I will know I can't - probably really strange reasoning but it's working for me right now. Aaaah, I don't know if any of that made sense but if it didn't just ignore me!
Take care everybody,
Mel
P.S. Spring - give me a buzz over the weekend if you get a chance, haven't spoken to you since you got your bfp so want to hear the ins and outs. Otherwise I can call you but don't have syd number yet.
Mel - OK on the alcohol thing... my mum's ob (for all 4 of her kids) told her when pg with me a glass of champers first thing in the morning and last thing at night were the best cure for m/s. Well she took him at his word and did it with all of us, of her childrenshe has 2 honors degree uni students in the science field. The baby is currently studying wine science and vinyardry. So an occasional drink wont hurt. One of my friend s craved vodka and orange during her pg and her now 11 year old has been excellerated a year at school. Sending you huge giant fat BFP vibes.
Lynn - definate O as far as I am concerned... sending BFP++++ vibes your way too.
Wouldn't it be great if you all fell in together.. would leave me a bit lonely in here but so happy and joyous for you all I wouldn't care... would prob jump over and join you in the pg thread... I can justify it too as btdt... I have had a successful pg after m/c so would understand some of what you could go through.
Hey Jo, thanks for that... I remember the week before I found I was pg with Nicholas I was on holiday on Gold Coast for a week and spent most of that week getting pretty darn happy on margaritas and also went to Wet n Wild and did a belly flop on a water slide (accidentally) which actually hurt to the point where I wouldn't go on it again, I also copped a boogy board straight into my tummy at the beach. Then 4 days after we got home I found out I was 4 and 1/2 weeks pg (oops, lol) and although I did lose Nicholas in the end he did grow to 36 weeks gestation and all this stuff that happened early on had absolutely nothing to do with what happened. Therefore, I agree with you! It's not like I am an alcoholic and drink all day every day, I am only going to have a couple to enjoy my birthday and I am not going to guilt myself over it. Besides, I have in the last few months watched what I have done around 2WW and then gotten AF and been disappointed I missed out on something so bugger it... I am not going to miss out this time cause chances are more than likely AF will arrive anyway. How proud must your mum be!... go the champers :thumbsup:
It would be great if we all fell together, but if and when I do I probably won't want to leave TTC thread anyway - I may start to get involved in PG thread but I would continue in here cause I know everyone :)
Hello girls, I hope you're all enjoying Australia Day.
Lynn - The support group does sound a little strange about how they need to call me and I guess "counsel" me before I can attend the group. I talked about it to a friend who pointed out that they probably get a few weirdo's try to go to the groups or call the help line that do it as a joke, so they probably just screen people first.That seemed to make sense. Either way, I will let you know how i go on tuesday when they call me. Oh and hopefully:SAAF: for you!!
Spring - I am the same as you. I am not sure that the support group is for me, but then I have never been to one, and I figured that it couldn't hurt. But I think that you are right about not being good for you at the moment, you need to be hearing positive stories not things that would worry you more. I think that when I came home from the hospital, before we knew what had happened to Asha, I went a bit mad online looking up all the different causes of stillbirth, and now I know how many things can go wrong, it has scared me more......damn computer age:rolleyes: But i think that because we are all in the same boat, in that we have all lost the innocence of pregnancy, the best thing we call all do, is support and encourage eachother. I think that if I were pregnant now, I wouldn't go either. But as I said to Lynn, I will let you guys know what it is like...well if they let me pass their stringent quality control:D Also, thanks for your words about me not seeing my girl, I do also believe, that we instintively do what we know we can deal with at the time, so I try not to beat myself up about it. Oh, and just to nag - take it easy at work and stop wasting your money on those HPT's - you ARE UTD!!!
Mel - So right about me holding her in my belly, I never really thought about it that way, but when DP went to see her, I asked him if he was sure he wanted to and he pretty much said to me that i had got to hold her for 7 months so now it was his turn. So i knew that he was good with my decision, and I think I would feel alot worse if he didn't say something like that. Anyway, goodwork on holding back on your HPT's I would have done a couple by now. Now go and have a drink and enjoy your 30th...cos it's all down hill from here:lol:
Thanks again for everyones kind words...you're all so wise.