TTC AFTER Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth Sept 2009

Yes well i have just about burned holes in the pee stick with my staring eyes. I hope to god everyone else sits there and thinks....Is that a shadow? Is that a line starting?
i tested right back on CD 21 and thought i saw something really faint only to be put in my place the following morning with a total blank. God give me strength.
Not that DTD is not enjoyable....i just want to enjoy it, life and all that surrounds this bl88dy baby making life of ours. It was 10 years to fall pg with DD....i just don't have that kind of mileage in me anymore. I am not sure how much more failure i can take. I am off to find something fun.
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Hi again Everyone.. No news, just checking in and replying while I have the energy.. You know how sometimes you lurk in here but just don't feel you have the strength to reply, even when you want to?? Anyway, I will be quick ;)

Gigi1- I am so sorry bout a BFN.. And yes everytime I have poas I have looked at it in every light, held it up and examined it!! I even do it with OPK's!!!

Dory- I'm sorry you are feeling crappy.. I just read it was your twins EDD and Amelia's 1st anniversary coming up.. Definitely hard times.. Are you doing anything special? I hope I don't come across as being ignorant, Dory, but I don't really know your story.. I only knew from previous posts that you had more than 1 loss.. If it is written somewhere I may have missed it.. If you would like to share it, I'd love to hear it.. Please don't think I am being rude, and if you are not up to sharing, especially with these dates coming up, I understand. It took me 6 months to write Taite and Seth's story.. It is so mentally draining.. I now keep a blog though.. I kinda wish I had kept one in the early days, just so I knew how far I had come in my grief.. Anyway rambling AGAIN.. Hope you feel better soon..

Teagz- Can't wait to hear of the arrival of your little one!! You are due this month aren't you??

Anyway Hi to everyone, my Mum, her hubby and my little brothers are up here on holidays for a week, I am so excited, I am off to see them now!!

:hello: Hi everyone

blessedatlast - so sorry to hear that you have thrush :comfort: - it's just doesn't seem fair sometimes does it? I hope you get some good news on the job front soon. How long until your TAFE course starts? I am already dreading the start of uni again this year, and I think I have another month! Hopefully I will be a bit more motivated by then ;)

Dory - your symptoms sound promising - how long until your bt results? I have my fingers and toes crossed for you. Anniversaries must be so hard to deal with, particularly when you have multiples close together. I haven't even begun to think about what we will do for Ryan in March. It seems so far away at the moment but I am sure it will be here soon enough. DH has already got a tattoo on the inside of his left arm to remember Ryan. We also both wear a chain with a charm; Ryan is buried wearing the same charm with a small chain which was taken from DH's longer chain; it helps us to feel connected with him when aren't able to be with him everyday as we should. I hope the upcoming anniversaries are a gentle and peaceful time for you. And I agree with Gigi's comments about not giving time or energy to people who are not good for us in our lives. It definitely is something that I have been more conscious of since we lost Ryan. I hope this woman doesn't cause you any trouble at work. I have found work is one of my refuges where I can just be me for 8 or 9 hours per day; not a mother who has lost her son.

Gigi1 - you have no idea how many times I have gazed longingly at HPT to try to find that second line - wishing that it would appear as if by magic. But it doesn't. I only send myself crazy. I try not to involve DH and let him in on how crazy I really have become, but I think he has a sense of it too. I really hope your fatigue is a good sign :pray: How are you coping with your SIL about to have a baby? I think if it was me it would be very hard to be that close to someone who was pg. Take care hun - you are sounding so strong at the moment :hug:

Hi to Aries, samcougar and everyone else. Teagz I hope you get some news soon. I hope that sore throat didn't develop into a full blown cold.

AFM - ovulated yesterday :dance: I am pretty sure we are in with a good chance this cycle. I am really glad that I bought the fertility monitor last year while we were overseas. It takes all of the guess work out of OPKS and temps. I am so hoping that all of this good living and relaxation will pay off. I have been feeling much more confident and upbeat since the new year. I had a dream last week that we were in Perth and it was next Christmas and we were walking into the local Thai restaurant carrying a baby carrier. I could even the see the dress I was wearing, which I have hanging in the cupboard right now. I have also had a strange feeling that I will have a baby around the time that my DH turns 40 this year, which is the end of October. Of course, all of this could be just wishful thinking by my subconscious but I am really hopeful that it is all true. :pray::pray:

We're flying back home tomorrow so I will duck back in again on the weekend.
Take care all.
oxo

Hey ladies - thanks for the words of support and encouragement. I am surprised at how much I need them. Today at least, I conquered the snake. lets see about tomorrow.

You know, I have really tried to avoid thinking about the twins EDD, hard to believe its come around. So no plans except I am not working and neither is DH. Plan is to do something together. I was thinking of having a memorial service for Amelia, but I am not ready to organise it, so am going to wait. Lots of ideas spinning around but nothing stands out as something that is right. So, it just needs time.

Gigi1 - thankyou so much sweetie. Big hugs back at you. When I feel sorry for myself I would like to think that multiple bereavement is really so much harder. It's harder in the sense there are more occasions that are significant and maybe more layers of emotion to process, thinking about my own experiences of my grief. But in reality, it's hard no matter what. For me probably the most significant aspect of multiple losses is that it is harder to feel hope, and not just in relation to pregnancy. After Amelia I remember thinking this can't possibly happen again, so despite my fear, when I was pregnant with the twins, I actually hoped it would work out ok, even when Nicholas miscarried but Sophie was still alive I had hope. It makes the next pregnancy that much harder, as hope is more distant. But, I wouldn't even be contemplating another pregnancy if I didn't think there was hope, nor if I wasn't prepared to risk the anguish of another loss. But then a long term TCC journey is I imagine just as harrowing, if not more so, especially one that involves loss. How can I compare my loss to my friend whose eldest son has cystic fibrosis, and the hurdles she must overcome every day? I am not minimising mine, just really saying it's hard to compare.

For each of us a loss is a loss and to us the loss is significant and we are the only ones that walk our own path, even if others are beside us, our path is our own.

I wear a gold heart shaped pendant with 3 amythests( a gift from DH in remembrance of our babies) and I regularly sleep with their bunny rugs. I have kept a journal. We have photos, even of wee little Nicholas. We donated a digital camera and printer to the hospital after Amelia was born, because they didn't have one, and we were unprepared and didn't take one. We live close so DH went home and got the camera. I didn't want other parents taken by surprise to miss out on the opportunity to have lots of photos. I will put together a "montage" eventually.

But as much as anything I feel that DH and I the best memorial of and for our children. They were created in our love, the grew in our love and died in our love. Their legacy, is the woman and mother and wife ( and man, father and husband) that you all see. They are always with me in everything I do.

Chez I like the idea of your connected charms. Your little Ryan is always with you.

Gigi1 - I too have toyed with the idea of a tatoos, but in the end have decided it's not for me, but I do like the symbolism in the hip and wing concepts.

Blessedatlast - I have thought long and hard about "my story". As everyone in here knows, it's so easy to read the word loss/miscarriage/stillbirth but those words belie so much anguish and torment and I am not sure I can do mine justice. For some reason I am reluctant to put it in my signature, in a brief version. And I was never comfortable with the idea of just blurting out my story in a new thread. So in reality it's come out in bits and pieces across various threads. I won't go into to much detail tonight, but just by way of quickie ( still have some sense of mischief!) I miscarried in July 2008 at 8 weeks- blighted ovum, I must look up the date, Amelia was born alive extremely premature at 21 weeks and 6 days gestation on 23 February 2009 and lived for 35 minutes and weighed 455grams, Nicholas ( or twin 1 as he was known before he was born) was born at 14 weeks and 5 days gestation on 28 July 2009, but only lived briefly and he only weighed about 90grams, and Sophie ( or twin 2 as she was known before she was born) was born at 19 weeks and 6 days gestation on 30 August 2009 weighing 230grams and she lived amazingly for 3 hours. The twins were dichorionic diamniotic (DCDA) fraternal twins. We have had a small service for each our precious ones and had them cremeated, even wee Nicholas. We are currently trying to settle on the words we like for the inscriptions. We have Amelia's sorted, but still working on one each for Nicholas and Sophie. Maybe that's one of the things I will do on their EDD, let them give me the strength to finish.

I know what you mean about a epic and draining journey to memoralise your angels.

Gigi1 I second the burning holes in the HPT's hoping for that second line. I haven't tested again... am holding off. I am sorry about your BFN.

Chez - good work on the big O. Hopefully it works into a BFP soon. Don't go mental in the 2WW.

Dory, thank you so much for sharing your painful journey. I hope it wasn't too difficult for you.. I will be thinking of your family around this hard time.. I love what you said,

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For each of us a loss is a loss and to us the loss is significant and we are the only ones that walk our own path, even if others are beside us, our path is our own.

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You are very wise :hug:

Chez- I will have my fingers crossed for you.. Hope your dream comes true!! I start back at TAFE early Feb.. Orientation is on 27th Jan.. I am so nervous, but glad for the distraction!

Hi ladies,

Sorry I've been MIA, but now that I am a lady of leasure (I finished work at the end of December with a nice package!!) I have been jetting around Australia and it's been lovely. We went to QLD on Boxing Day and then to Lorne here on the Great Ocean Road for a few days which was lovely. Everything is well at my end, just getting bigger and more uncomfortable but I kick myseld every time I have a whinge..lol.

Dory, I've read your story about losing your precious babies, and it just broke my heart. You are such a strong lady to have survived it all, and to keep on going with your TTC journey. I admire your strength and courage, and wish and pray for your well deserved BFP hun. I will be thinking of you coming up to your twins EDD, and as for not knowing what to do for Amelia's angelversary, I hear you hun, I still haven't had a proper 'ceremony' to burry Joshua's ashes, I don't know if I will ever be ready to do that hun. We'll see.

Cheryl, your holiday sounds so nice, I pray that your dream does come true darl!

Blessedatlast, sorry to hear about the thrush hun. I have it too ATM, I stopped taking my Inner Health Plus when I went to QLD and now the wretched thing in back!! I hate having it and the itchiness is driving me mad! Fingers crossed for a lovely BFP for you too lovie!

Gigi, sorry about your BFN hun, praying you'll have more luck next time hun :pray:

Aries, I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you hun, I hope AF has stayed away for you :pray:

Hi to everyone else I have missed and heaps of baby dust and sticky vibes for everyone in this thread!

B xxx

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Hi ladies,

Everything is well at my end, just getting bigger and more uncomfortable but I kick myseld every time I have a whinge..lol.


B xxx

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Made me chuckle..now we have to work on you growing bigger and more uncomfortable and being kicked from the inside. Sorry, i hope this is not totally inappropriate but as i was reading your post i am thinking...wait on who is this, pregnant?, no. Oh god. You really spun me around...obviously not concentrating.

Sorry everyone for no personals. Dory sorry hun, will get to reply to you soon brave girl. You have taken my heart for bit.
AF is here and I am not happy Jan...geting there, just tired, so tired of it all.
Night all. xoxo

Gigi1 - it's easy not to concentrate with so much going on. You made me laugh - and boy do I need it. Sorry about old AF. It's a bummer.

Beata70 - I know how you feel - but you know just because you've experienced loss of your precious ones, it doesn't mean you need to feel guilty for the usual range of emotions in your pregnancy, including a bit of whinging about how you're feeling. Besides girl, you are hormomal. Go with it! Thanks for the compliment. This wisdom thing? Hard earnt. I should wear it like a badge of honour huh? But more seriously I do really understand what you mean about possibly never being ready.... for me it's that I really don't want to have to say goodbye again. Bless little Joshua, your little saint.

Blessedatlast - not long to go really until TAFE starts up again......

Chez67 - are you going mental in the 2WW?

Teagz & Aries - how you doing? Hope you're ok.

AFM going for some bloods and gtt (glucose tolerance testing) tomorrow to try and get to the bottom of why I am feeling so physically miserable lately. Ironic, never got to that stage in the pregnancies.. oh well at least I will know what the deal is.

Went to celebrate my brothers birthday yesterday. Didn't think he'd be here with us this year after a near fatal accident on 13 Jan 09. It was just really nice to catch up with him and the family.

Thanks ladies for your words of support. I am going to be selfish as I still need them. Having a pretty rough time of it for a whole bunch of reasons. Coming here is a bit of a highlight actually. Anyway, better go wash that car, it doesn't wash itself.

Take care lovelies.

:hug: thanks for checking up on me girls. I hardly need it - and probably don't deserve it as I don't offer you girls any words as nearly as often as i should!

Blessed, bubs was due yesterday! Little ratbag seems to have made himself comfy in there. But that's ok, it means he'll be a snuggly newborn for just that little while longer :heartbeat:
I'm sorry to hear about the thrush as well, i had so much trouble with that while TTC it drove me almost insane. Not only because of the physical side of it but emotionally because you have to wait for it to sort itself out, and god damn it's hard waiting around when all you want to do is get activly cracking on The Baby Dream.

Chez, unfortunately my sniffles and sore throat have developed into a full blown cold, so I'm very very glad I didn't meet up with you last tuesday! (I mean that in the kindest way possible, btw :)) I think I'm heading toward the tail end of it now though, the worst seemed to be yesterday.

Hi ladies

Well I'm back at work and back into the routine of life including going to the gym at 6.30 in the morning! I must be crazy but I do enjoy it when I get there, just getting out of bed was hard this morning.

Dory - thank you for sharing your story with us about your 3 beautiful angels. I was reading your story while sitting in the Q club waiting for my flight, with tears streaming down my face. It was probably for the best that I was in public otherwise I probably would have cried much more in private. You are such a strong lady to mentally be in the place you are now and have the capacity to offer others support after your difficult year. You're amazing :hug: On a different note, I hope the Dr can get to the bottom of your fatigue etc soon. It must be frustrating for you.

Teagz - sorry to hear about your cold :hug: I hope your little one stays put just a little bit longer so you can recover but I am sure you are eager to hold him in your arms sooner rather than later. I hope everything goes well. I can't wait to hear your birth announcement.

Gigi1 - sorry to hear that AF has arrived :hug: Bring on 2010 and lots of BFPs in this thread! I have such a good feeling about this year for all of us :pray:

Beata - you sound like you had a lovely time on your holiday. I hope you are doing well.

Blessedatlast - I hope the thrush has cleared up :hug: How annoying for you. Have you tried taking the Inner Health Plus capsules that Beata mentioned? Last year I felt like I was getting thrush and started taking them straight away and all of the symptoms disappeared. I stayed on them for a few months afterwards, and touch wood, I haven't had any recurrences.

AFM, yes I am going crazy in the 2WW. I have had some strange symptoms which I am trying hard to figure out. I was very emotional and moody yesterday. I watched the Sex and the City Movie which DH got me for Christmas. And I cried, not just at the pg/baby part, but other parts which wouldn't normally set me off, and didn't when I saw it at the cinema. Yesterday I was hungry all of the time - I needed to eat every 2 hours, which is pretty unusual for me. And yesterday afternoon and today I have had some pains in the pelvic region, a bit like AF pains, but not quite. This morning at the gym I was feeling nauseas, and then at 10am I got this sudden rush of nausea, and I just knew if I didn't eat I would throw up! I haven't felt like that since I was pg, but it started at about 6wks last time. Since I only O'd last Wednesday, surely it would be way too early for pg symptoms? Has anyone else had early pg symptoms like these? I want to POAS but I think it is way too early to do that, so yes Dory, I am going crazy :wall:

Anyway, must go. Take care and babydust and stickyvibes to all.
oxo

Gigi1- Sorry AF is here :(

Chez- I normally have yakult when I have thrush that seems to help, just keep forgetting to buy it!! I hope all your symptoms are because you are UTD!!!


Teagz- Are you still there?? Can't wait to hear the good news :)

Beata- How far along are you?? Must be getting there??

For me, well I went 7 days exactly with no bleeding.. :( but it is fairly light and seems to have stopped today so fingers crossed it was a little 2 day implantation bleed??? Lol, I doubt it.. Would be too early for that wouldn't it.. Hmm.. maybe.. With the twins I got what must have been implantation bleeding, I just got a light pinky discharge, but because I wasn't obsessed back then I wouldn't have a clue when in my cycle it was.. I only did a HPT when I hadn't had a proper period for 9wks.. Could not imagine leaving it that long now Lol!! Anyway, I am having a blast with my Mum and brothers.. We are going to Movie World today.. Yay!!! My girlfriend went on wild rides when she was TTC she said it pushed the sperm up there lol.. Fingers crossed!!

Hi to anyone else I have missed.. Gotta go, still in jarmies and mum will be here in 10!!

Blessed, yep still here :) Went to the Dr's yest and I'm 2cm dilated. If nothing pans out I'm being induced Monday. So, I'm gonna be a mummy by at least next tuesday! :)

Hello ladies,

How hot is it in Melbourne!!!!?? Yesterday was 43 here, but I mostly stayed inside, today is a lot less but I just can't cope with the heat, it's so muggy and I hate it!!! Can't wait for the cool change.....

Gigi, you cracked me up! I know I don't visit here that much, I can just see you sitting there thinking, who is this person??? lol. Here's holping you catch that eggie next time :pray:

Chez, I am so hoping and praying you're UTD hun!! Seriously sounds very promissing, keep us updated, I'll be checking daily for sure! GL darling :crossfingers:

Dory, I think Josh is coming with me in my box when it's my time. I seriously cannot imagine parting with his ashes, but then again, it's a very personal thing I think. I am happy to have him here, I talk to him everyday like he's here anyway!! I've got a plaque for him at the Memorial Park, and I visit there every once in a while (family can also go when they want) but b/c he's at home I don't go regularly. For xmas I've put a little xmas tree for him and my friend put up a 'Santa stops here' sign which was really lovely.

Teagz, I hope you're feeling better hun. I'm so hoping bub decides to grace us with his arrival before Monday!!

Blessedatlast, Ill be 30 weeks on Saturday hun. Time is just flying now...Fingers and toes and everything else I can cross for implantation bleed for you hun. I would be so happy if you all got your BFPs within weeks of each other so you could be in the same belly budies group!! How awesome would that be!! GL hunni, and have fun at Movie World. I just loooooooooooove the Gold Coast!

Well, I better go and watch my movie (ha!! a woman of leasure I am these days!!).

BRING ON THE BFPs IN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big hugs
B xxx

Beata- You certainly had me turning circles. I am so sorry hun. Hope you are doing well. I am the same with DD's ashes...they are not going anywhere. I won't be spreading them...they are in our bed. I was thinking of making a pillow for them as they are not comfortable to cuddle and that is what we do all the time. But she stays with us...i know it is just her ashes but she feel more present having them near us. They still travel with us if we go somewhere over night.

Dory it has taken me some time to reply to your post relaying the painful loss of you babies. I just can't believe it, all in the space of a year. You are an incredible inspiration having hope. You have played a big part in my healing to be able to consider another spirit in our lives. I have no idea where the hope comes from but it is starting to return for me too. I have started to see and feel another spirit on our lives other than DD. For a long time all i wanted was just DD back. I still do, but i am happy to have another too. I never thought i would have room in my life for more than her essence. She takes up space and time in our life and we wouldn't have it any other way.
I think it was a wonderful and thoughtful gift for you to give the hospital a camera. That is just perfect. You go into these experiences totally blind to what you might need or want.
I just want to say you are a brave brave woman and I try to walk in your footsteps everyday hoping i have your strength when my time comes.

Chez, hun my fingers are crossed for you.
BEata, hope there is a pool for you somewhere to float in.
Teagz, wishing you a beautiful and healing birth experience.
Aries, hope you are doing ok hun, haven't heard ffrom you in a while.
Blessedatlast, i am forever holding out hope for you, hope your cycle sorts itself out soon and you get not only peace of mind but a big fat positive.
For anyone i have missed. Love and peace and hope you are traveling well, being gentle with yourself and finding moments to smile.

I am reading Spirit Babies at the moment, lovely read and really helping my psychic connections, intuition and spiritual communications. I am CD 4 now and starting to get my head around another month. Most discomfort has gone although i know there is the last surge to go. Funny but my labour with DD was exactly the same as my periods are in sequence...chaotic contractions, calm, rhythmic and uniform, a sense of 'has this stopped' and then last surge but manageable and finishing. Funny how that was. Right, i have some ironing to do.

Love HM xoxo

Oh my beautiful lovelies - thankyou. It's nice to know that your love is really never far away, just like my precious ones. It has taken me a long time to comfortable sharing and I chose the right girls to listen.

AFM - I don't think I am anything special, I just am trying to manage the curveballs that life sends me. Just like everyone else here. Doing it tough moment by moment and day by day.

The glucose tolerance test yesterday was ok. I forgot to ask when the results will be ready. Tried to call pathology lab today but it kept ringing out. Will try again tomorrow.

Apart from that - I feel a bit lost right now. Not as glum, but lost. Still have some of the symptoms intermittently. Am pretty tired tonight, so am going to bed now. Although I wish I could stay in here and just talk.

I tested this morning, and got a faint BFP . Yes I just wrote that. I don't POAS as I am so unco I get it all over me and the test and invalidate it. Anyway, I reckon that's what I did anyway. Waiting for tomorrow to test again. Anxiously and calmly waiting. What will be will be. Can't believe I might be lucky enough to get a BFP but am pretty scared about the journey ahead, hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Don't have any other outcomes apart from being bereaved ( not trying to be a victim, just a dose of reality) Of course if it is a BFP, it could all be different this time. Hope springs eternal, at the moment it is.

But if it is a BFP, then I am buying a nice bottle of champers for the end of this particular journey, irrespective of when it ends. And right here right now, I make a committment to myself, and my babies that I will try my best to enjoy the journey. It might be all I have, or it could be so much more.

It's funny, but it took me a while to decide to post. Not because I didn't want to share, but because I know how hard it is to read about others BFP's and how despite myself and my happiness, a little part of me is crushed. So to those who are feeling a little crushed, I love you and I get how hard it is.

sweet dreams.

Oh my goodness, I will sleep tonight with my fingers crossed. I feel where you are at. It is very brave to say what you say. I can not imagine how this will feel. I hope with all my heart that this journey will be just as wonderful but different and I hope that you get to hold your baby for a longer lifetime. I hope this little spirit is here to heal your heart, at least a part of it.
I will nto be excited yet as i know you must be scared and confused. I will wait for confirmation. I hope this is as perfect as it can be.
You are always so giving, thinking of others even now. It is always hard to hear BFP but it is also wonderful. Especially when you know and feel that you deserve it, you have suffered enough. Please don't get me wrong. It is not that one deserves it more than another...but enough is enough sometimes. Enough. Life is bitter/sweet and if this is what you think it is, I am sincerely over the moon for you and will be here the whole way through, holding your hand for what ever you need. xoxox
Please no more peeing on yourself!! LOL xoxo They are difficult and small aren't they. Smile hun, laugh a little when you can. You will find your way, day by day.

Dory, I couldn't stalk and not reply to that!! I really really hope that you do have that BFP!!

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But if it is a BFP, then I am buying a nice bottle of champers for the end of this particular journey, irrespective of when it ends. And right here right now, I make a committment to myself, and my babies that I will try my best to enjoy the journey. It might be all I have, or it could be so much more

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Dory, You have an amzing attitude.. I think I have a lot to learn from you ;)

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It's funny, but it took me a while to decide to post. Not because I didn't want to share, but because I know how hard it is to read about others BFP's and how despite myself and my happiness, a little part of me is crushed. So to those who are feeling a little crushed, I love you and I get how hard it is.

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You are so thoughful.. Of course I am jealous as hell but I truly am happy for you.. Thank you for acknowledging our feelings. You gorgeous thing!

Hi to everyone, I am in a rush as usual, time gets away when you computer stalk!! If I am having implantation bleeding it must be a massive implantation as I am still bleeding, so no I don't think it is.. Oh well, it is lighter than it has been so I am really hoping that my bleeding is calming down. Fingers crossed!

Oh Dory, you deserve this BFP sooooooooo much hun!! I will say a quiet congratulations, but it will be a very big one when you have your BT to confirm it!! I am sitting here reading your post with tears in my eyes, I'm so excited and hopeful for you darling. I really pray this little bubba stays put for the 9 months ahead and that it all goes very smoothly for you. I know what you mean about sharing your news too, but I was lucky as months ago in this very thread I was the last one to get a BFP!! Everyone around me was getting one and b/c I had a date for my IVF cycle, aIl I could do was wait until then, and still I didn't know if the FET would work. As for being apprehensive about the new pg, I was there too hun. Back when I had my treatment in July 2008, I didn't know if I would be more happy if the treatment worked, or if it didn't. I was petrified about falling pg again after what happened with Josh, but so excited at the same time as I was so longing for a baby. When I found out I was pg, I tried so hard not to look back and decided to really, really enjoy my pg as much as possible. I think having had m/s for 17 weeks really took my mind off stressing!!
Oh hun, I also won't be able to sleep until it's all confirmed!! I've got absolutely everything crossed for you :crossfingers::crossfingers::crossfingers:

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Hi to everyone--a few short personals.

Dory that is WONDERFUL- :dance:I am so happy for you,thrilled actually, and only a teeny bit jealous. Your BFP makes me believe that we can all be successful. Thank you again for sharing your journey with us. You are truly an amazing person! Very inspiring for me.

blessedatlast- my fingers are crossed for you keep us updated. hopefully an implantation bleed:pray:

beata70- you crack me up with

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"How hot is it in Melbourne!!!!?? Yesterday was 43 here, but I mostly stayed inside, today is a lot less but I just can't cope with the heat, it's so muggy and I hate it!!!"

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I am freezing here. It is cold cold cold....snow on the ground subzero temps very short days. I have been wishing for sunshine.

Teagz- congrats mom! Or do you say mum?

Chez- I have my fingers crossed for you--I had pg symptoms starting 1 week after ovulation with Robert Christopher, but they were more subtle: breast tenderness, hungry all the time, and some food aversions, I also remember being pretty emotional--but that is typical PMS for me too.

A few other things...I decided to get a tattoo 2 weeks ago. We have Robert Christopher's footprints and the tattoo artist copied them exactly on my side on my hip...kinda hard to explain. I wanted it near where I had felt him move which was only on my left side, but didn't want something scary if I got pregnant again. I am really happy with it---it is my only tattoo and I was really nervous about it. The guy I went to is also a nurse at the hospital, so he didn't ask awkward questions or anything (the footprints are really small). I also have a bracelet with an angel charm on it with 2 little feet my grandmother gave me a mother and child charm for christmas as well. I have been wearing it everyday, sometimes I hold the little angel charm between my fingers and imagine I am holding my little angel boy--kinda silly I guess, but it makes me feel like he is remembered and connected to me.

Also New England in the fall/autumn is gorgeous--perhaps if we get lucky and have healthy babies we can celebrate at my house in October?? I tried to post a picture from a drive we took late in September but I don't know if it works. Kind of makes me sad because I remember being pregnant at the time these pics were taken this fall. It is pretty rural here so we often go for a drive through these beautiful tiny towns and everything is reds, yellows, oranges and greens. The air is crisp but not too cold yet and the apples are wonderful. Something I absolutely love about New England. http://www.flickr.com/photos/pfrboy/4120135018/http://www.flickr.com/photos/pfrboy/4119358257/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/pfrboy/4120133852/

Sorry my post is so long....I got my AF on Monday but I am actually excited about it because it signals the first cycle the doctor has said we can go for ttc. I bought a OPK and am nervously anticipating O.

Lots and lots of babydust to you all and thank you for the hope you have given me!

Love to all!
CM

Hi ladies

Dory - I have to start with you... I am so hoping that you have a BFP and that explains all of your tiredness and other symptoms :pray: and thank you for being so gracious and thinking of how we would feel about the news. You really are an exceptional human being! Good luck hun :hug: thinking of you and waiting for more news.

cmeglles - what beautiful photos. The colours remind me of where we live in Australia in autumn, although we don't get snow, except on the mountains nearby. It is hard remembering where we were this time last year isn't it? But then I try to be positive and think about how far I have come in that time, rather than looking back all of the time. I just found that it was too painful for me to do that. So now I am focused on the future and what that will bring for us. How are feeling about being able to TTC again? I know some people have been nervous. I hope this TTC journey is a short one for you.

Beata - 30 weeks - amazing! I remember your BFP announcement and how upset I felt because you and Teagz had both fallen pg. I am a stronger person now and so glad that you have continued to post here. Every successful pg and birth gives me inspiration and hope!

Blessedatlast - hope you're having a great time with your family visiting. You are sounding so upbeat and positive. I have always wondered whether going on some wild rides about the time of implantation would help - I'd give a try if I could find somewhere local :D

Hi to Gigi1, Aries, Samcougar and everyone else.

AFM, after starting the week with my weird symptoms, they seem to have eased off, so I am still not sure what's going on. I have decided to try to hold off POAS until next week by which time AF will be officially late. I don't see the point of building up hope only to be disappointed with the HPT. I would just rather wait and find out naturally. I find that is easier to deal with and somehow it makes sense in my head - until I change my mind that is and give in :wall:

love Cheryl oxo

Oh wow CM that is stunning. I didn't know we could do that. Those pickies are beautiful.
Glad to see you are traveling well hun. I wish you all the luck and excitment i can muster for the coming weeks. Hope you have all your dreams come true and you can make us a little jealous too. Enjoy your cold hun, send a little our way. Sorry to all those who like the heat...i am not as nice hot. xx

Cheryl...
we must have posted at the same time. wow...everyone is kind of in limbo, waiting. Well it feels like it. It is so true what you say, i try to see it the same way, that everyone new preg and baby is inspiration and hope renewed. That is a wonderful and very true thing to say. xx Good luck for the coming week. Will be sending you baby dust. xx

Cheryl, I haven't left this thread because I would love nothing more than to see you all get your BFPs! All of you girls deserve it so much, and it really is just a matter of time before someone else shouts out their happy news! Believe me, when I was waiting my turn, I felt exactly the same as you. Jeleaous and upset that it wasn't me with the BFP, but also so happy for whoever was sharing the happy news as I knew it would be me one day. And it was, and so it will be your turn too. You just can't give up that dream and when you share your good news I will be over the moon for you hun. And that goes to all of you beautiful and inspiring ladies in here!! It is a hard road, but sooooooo worth it in the end.

Cmeglles, those pictures are awesome. I remember the autumns we had in Poland while I was growing up, and the colours were very much like that, except we didn't have that beautiful terrain where I grew up! You know, if it hadn't cooled down yesterday afternoon, I would have gladly taken your freezing weather instead! The hot weather here really drove me around the bend :o

Dory, :pray::pray::pray: for the line to get stronger.

Gigi, why are you sorry hun? You actually made me laugh, I love your honesty. And I think it's beautiful that you have your little girl's ashes so close to you. I think the bond we have with our angels is so special and intimate, thay are a part of us forever.

Hello to Aries, blessedatlast and samcougar, I hope you are all well and keeping busy with the love tango!! ha ha, I crack myself up :redface:

B xxx

Thankyou so much my dear sweet BB friends. I am truly humbled by your kind words.

I didn't post last night because I was just so exhausted that I went to sleep. Well so far so good - that line got stronger yesterday morning with FMU....I am quietly more confident.

Gigi1 - I would pee all over myself if it meant a BFP, but somehow when it's BFN's there is an indignity in having to clean up. But still who thinks as an adult there will be "accidents" to clean up. And I love your tattoo. It sounds just perfect. Thanks for the advice -I reckon thats the only way to do it.

cmeglles - And the photos! Stunning - thankyou so much for posting them - I could just gaze at them for ages and then get lost in them. There is so much beauty around, if only we can stop and actually see it. Good luck now you can TCC again. It's always very exciting when AF shows up for the cycle that signals you can try again. Be gentle on yourself the first time. You might be sad, or happy or both or maybe just tired? TCC is a very hard journey too. Bring on the big O - what OPK did you get? I have only visited cold places, and never in the cold. I can't imagine how cold it is for you at the moment.

Beata70 - It's such a hard journey. I've been here before, but wasn't quite this tentative. I totally agree about trying not to look back and look forward. I reckon MS would take your mind off some things! I am actually wondering, if I will get MS. Not so afraid of getting it now. I've had ongoing nausea since 2003, although the past 2 years it's only been intermittent, some days I don't get it! - but there is a difference in the "regular nausea" and "pg nausea "in how it feels. Weird huh? Oh the reason for the ongoing nausea? Some residual effects of a couple of gastro viruses I got in quick succession is the best guess and the cluster of symptoms have been diagnosed as irritable bowel syndrome, after an extensive lot of testing over a number of years. I never thought I could live with long term nausea but I do. So bring on MS I say. LOL let's just see i I am so brave if it does strike! Oh BTW - I hope you've gotten some sleep ! Must be better now the weather in Melb has COOLED down to 16 -20 degrees C or so. Melbourne weather is incomprehensible. The heat must be even harder at 30 weeks. Find a mud pool and wallow ( cause I reckon you'll be feeling uncormfortable) or find some air conditioning! One of my friends did a lot of the sport of fencing in Poland and she tells some amazing stories about her adventures there. But very cold, one night she said she woke up and her hair had frozen! No wonder she had a headahce? Or was it the vodka?

I am so happy for you. You're right, its about not giving up.

Chez67 - I hope those weird symptoms turn into something good. The weird symptoms I was having - I hadn't had them so early before and not in that particular cluster. As much as we rely on our past experiences, every pg is a different experience. I wonder if you'll give in to temptation? I so agree with you though. Somehow if you wait, it's better AND more likely to give a better result and not get a false negative.

Blessedatlast - I hope it is implantation!

Aires, Samcougar - how you doing? Beata70 cracks me up!

I am hoping for lots of BFPs for everyone else.

I have an appointment with the GP this saturday.... it's a wait, but because I am officially "back at work full time now", and have already had 1/2 day off this week, I thought I'd wait til Saturday. Besides its an early morning appointment with less chance of having to wait around for ages before I get in. Have an appointment with the ob on 5 Feb for an early scan.

DH thinks I am crazy because I have tested 3 times now. The last test yesterday morning was a pretty strong result. I reckon I would test again if I still had some tests. Why this madness? It, the BFP, doesn't seem real. I am however gradually getting used to it.

Hey I have a question. I want so much to tell my mum and aunt. But I am worried to. What to do? The reason I don't want to tell is, during all of my previous pg they have badgered me about various things. I want to tell them but anticipate they won't be able to help themselves, and then they will nag( and not just the occasional nag, I mean every time I speak to them the same issues are raised and they say the same thing repeatedly during the conversation, even if they said the same things earlier in the day) and I will become defensive and it will just take the shine off. This is hard enough..... I reckon with my mum, I can actually ask her not to nag and she will try her best. Not sure about my aunt though. I might wait a while and then ante up with my mum ask her not to nag. And then work on my aunt.... there is never a dull moment.

I really wanted to tell my BF, and was going to, then she told me that she was really struggling at the moment with her two recent failed IVF's. I know she'll be happy for me, because we've spoken about it, but now, right now, when she says she's hurting so bad, isn't the time right? I feel like a liar by not saying anything, but I am worried that it might just crush her bruised little spirit even more at the moment. What's a nice thing that I can do to help make her feel special and loved? I was thinking of a pedicure or manicure or something like that - a girls day out.

Dory, you are such a beautiful and thoughtful person!! First of all I am so excited and happy that the line is getting stronger. If your hubby was laughing at you testing 3 times, when I caved in only a week after my embryo transfer, I got the faintest line possible and then tested 3 days in a row after that and it was so nice to see the line come up quicker and darker. I was also sneaking the tests in between the morning ones, so I must have tested at least 10 times!! lol. My DF thought I was going mad but he was getting excited too. So tell your hubby you'll test as many times as you like hun!
As far as telling your mum and aunty, you could tell them the exciting news but also be firm with them about the nagging like you've suggested. My mum is very much like that, I had to tell her of course because she new when I had the transfer!! No keeping that one a secret. She still had her digs about 'don't do this and that, and make sure you do this and that, you know what happeded last itme', la la la la la, but I told her early on to zip it as she was stressing me further unnecessarily and that put a stop to her nagging. Otherwise you could wait until the 12 week scan, but I think when you really want to share your good news it's sooooooo hard to keep it in! I think our mums/aunties even close friends mean the best but sometimes it comes across differently.
As for you friend, maybe it's a good idea to be honest with her as I'm sure she'll be over the moon for you, even though it will hurt I have no doubt. l think she might be disappointed if you keep it a secret. IVF can be a very hard journey, particularly when it takes a few goes at it to get pg, and I imagine it would make you very dishartened every time it wasn't successful. I was so blessed for it to work for me first time both times, I count my lucky stars all the time. I wish her all the best with her journey, and I would be so thrilled if both of you could be pg at the same time!! Has she tried AC with her treatment? I've seen some great results with it.
Well GL with your doc appointment on Saturday, I'm sure it's going to confirm what we all know already!!

PS I had a good giggle about your Polish friend and the vodka, ha ha it probably was!!

Big hugs
B xxx

Hi Dory

Wow! I am quietly confident but also very excited for you for your Dr's appointment on Saturday. And you are so organised to have got a scan appointment already as well!

I agree with Beata - try the direct and firm approach with your mum and Aunt. If they love they should respect you and your feelings. And your friend, well, she will find out anyway so I think if you have a close relationship, and it sounds like you do, go ahead and tell her. I am sure she will be thrilled for you, and hopefully it will give her some hope at the same time. I think the girl's day out having a pedicure sounds like fun!

Oh I am so excited for you :dance: Can't wait to hear the 'official' result.

love Cheryloxo

Hey Ladies

Sorry I have been MIA lately had a bit of a rough patch - just lost a close family friend to breast cancer and had her funeral yesterday. Feeling like a bit of a funeral groupie. Geez - Heaven certainly has received some good ones of late, it just doesn't seem fair.

Dory! Oh my gosh what fantastic news. I am so very very pleased for you and DH. Fingers crossed for those results - I cant wait to hear of another BFP in here!!! YAY :dance:

Beata - I cant believe how quick your time is flying, soon I will be waiting for your BA just like I cant wait to hear Teagz's announcement!!!!!!!!

Cheryl - I hope all of your symptoms are signs of some good news soon honey...... I am waiting with blue crossed fingers for you!!!!! xo

Gigi - You never fail to amaze me at how wise and lovely your words are for each and every one of us.

Cmeglles - Beautiful photos. Good luck with your cycle this month, I hope its short and sweet for you :pray:

Hi to Blessedatlast, Samcougar & anyone I have missed. Not intentional I promise, just tired :wall:

I am cycle day 3 - on to double dose Clomid from Saturday. Hoping to entice those eggies to do their thing!!! I was a week late after my surprise 'O' but had to take Primolut to bring AF on. Cycles are quite strange atm.

My love and thoughts to you all xo

Aries,
So sweet of you hun...i really do get stuck sometimes and have no idea what to say as i know words can do absolutely nothing sometimes. It is not easy for anyone in here. I fumble but thank you for being so lovely.
You are only a couple of days behind me on my cycle. I am cd6 and counting. All my wishes and baby dust for you. I hope everything turns out as planned.

Dory,
I can only help with my experience and opinion....you will know what to do hun and it will be perfect. My SIL/best friend at the time decided not to tell me until 12weeks and let just say our very close friendship has never been the same since. I felt betrayed and lied to everyday. I have not been able to get back to where we were even though i know 'rationally' that she had every right to keep it to herself. Our friendship became false and guarded. There is only so long that you can keep that sort of info without hurting people.
HOWEVER, i have heard of people after having lost a child...keeping it to themselves, telling people different dates, telling people part of the information to help give them space and time to deal with things. I am not sure how i feel about that. I think for us, we will say what month we are due and leave it at that. I am not sure who i will tell and when this time round...when it actually happens that is (the eternal optimist). I have thought about and just not sure yet. I think we will decide that when it happens. Last time we told SIL/BF at 6 weeks and parents at 8 weeks and all others at 10 and 12 weeks.

You will know exactly what to do hun.
Love and wishes
HM xoxo

Hi all firstly thanks for welcoming me into your little group! You all seem like such lovley people and i cant wait to get to know you all better, its a little confusing at the moment.
Sounds like DORY has had some good news, congratulations! I hope your appt at the doctors goes well and that line gets stronger.
I really hope 2010 is the year for all of us!
Iv had my ups and downs latly, its now 2 and half months since our baby girl passed away. Time goes so fast, except for that two weeks wait before your supposed to start testing! Haha
Aunt flow visited me on xmas day, i was hoping i wouldnt see her at all and would fall pregnant that month, nevermind at least my body is working again i guess! So now its one week before im aloud to test and see if this month we were successful. Does anyone know if a pregnancy will show up before your period is due? And can u get your period without ovulating?
I will now endevour to get to know you all and be more personal in my posts :)

Dimples - you are most welcome.

It's debatable about whether the results will be reliable if you test before AF is due. Depends on so many things - the sensitivity of the HPT (home preg test) you use - the packaging will usually tell you what level of hcG the test can detect, most seem to be around 25 but some are 10 ( I don't know the units/measures moL or something), whether you use first morning urine ( FMU), when the HcG is said to be stronger, whether you use the test properly ( and don't pee where you shouldn't).

If you test early in my experience you are more than likely to get a false negative, which is pretty disheartening and starts a cycle of compulsive testing. But if you wait a little, and I know that's hard but worth it not to get the disappointment of a bfn, then you are more likely to get a BFP. But sweetie - you do what feels right for you.

I am sorry you didn't get your BFP for christmas - maybe this cycle?

Gigi1 and Chez and Beata70 - your words of hard earnt wisdom mean a lot to me. Thankyou for helping me stay the course.

I know how it feels when you felt lied to, as I have felt that, but then I try to remember, people have their reasons for not sharing and I am not entitled to know everything! Even if I want to......

I will tell my BF sooner rather than later, our friendship, particularly our shared experiences deserves that. I am just so worried about hurting her. But she'll be hurting irrespective. My heart just breaks for her though.

My BF has been going to AC for a while and had two spontaneous pgs in quick succession after she started ( she has a whole of life plan - eating, herbs/TCM, message, reduction of stress, AC) and no luck in IVF. She is getting some advice at the moment about further testing for Natural Killer Cells and some other tests.

Gigi1 - I am sorry that your friendship hasn't recovered. I have a friendship like that, it hasn't recovered but different to you I am not pursuing that friendship at all. It's toxic to me now that friendship. Sad but it's what I need. Thankyou for sharing. It's so hard to know what to do. I hope you are faced with this dilemma sooner rather than later..... hugs. Also I agree - you always seem to have the right words, even if you don't think you do. Keep it up.

Aries - I am so sorry for the death of your friend to breast cancer. Were you ok at the funeral? it must have been very hard. I went to a GF mum's funeral, about 3 weeks after Nicholas m/c but whilst still pg with Sophie. It was pretty hard during the service, but later at the wake, it was really good to catch up with my GF and her family. My GF and I love to eat, and so we had a good time eating "naughties" and talking. Hope your symptoms settle down soon and it's all back on track soon.


Beata70 - my friend is hilarious and totally in love with Poland. She tells so many fun stories and most involve vodka. I don't know much about Poland, but I spent some time in Detroit in 2000 around the time of "fat tuesday". It was awesome. Even though I only experienced it once, I really loved "fat tuesday" and I miss it. Do you celebrate it? And I say "fat tuesday" because I can't spell the correct term/words and it's also what the detroiters called it. I might see if I can find a polish bakery or something and enjoy fat tuesday again because its coming up.

Samcougar, Blessedatlast, Teagz, Cmeggles - hiya.

Guess what? Today is friday and the end of my first week as officially returned to work full time. It hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. How about that?

Have a good weekend. I am going to an 18th birthday party - I can not believe I know someone ( who is not a relative) who is 18. And bless her, she doesn't drink. Wish I hadn't of killed so many precious brain cells in my youth by drinking. Now I actually feel old.... ah who cares.

Hi all
Dimples- I have read that you can get your period without ovulating, and you can even have an LH surge and not ovulate and that BBTs are one of the best ways to make sure.

For me,as I am being totally neurotic, and this being the first cycle I actually care about I am measuring both. I have a OPK that measures the LH surge and will be doing BBTs to make sure I am ovulating. My loss was just over 2 months ago as well, so I am not sure if my cycles have returned completely to normal--although it appears so.

So I read an interesting article yest. about dealing with friends who are pregnant when you have had losses, or are having a difficult time TTC. It has made for a new perspective on how I am dealing with 2 friends of mine who are pregnant, I don't know how much of it I bleieve or want to follow, but I thought you might be interested. The pregnancy of friends is making me depressed - CNN.com

Dory keep us updated about your BF, and mum and aunt.

Aries- so sorry to hear about your friend. My fingers are crossed for you!

Chez67, Teagz,blessedatlast, beata70, Gigi1--hi

To answer a few questions. I am super excited about TTC. I have to keep reminding myself that we only have a 25% chance every month, but it is hard to ignore. I am even looking at the calendar and thinking ok if we get pregnant then I get to take a pregnancy test on this day, and I will be x weeks by this date etc. Just thinking about having children in our near future fills me with such joy and hope it is kind of addictive even when I am scared. So how do I feel....hmmm absolutely terrified but hopeful, and it is really nice to have hope. The OPK I bought is just a 20 strip thing where you pee in a cup and it tells you if you have an LH surge or not. I thought I'd give it a try. I think I am not going to worry the DH about the results and BBTs etc too much. I'd rather just plan some romantic nights and not give him extra stress.

Short note today-I am off to a meeting at work!

take care all!!!

cmegelles - i was pretty excited about TCC too! It's a tumultous journey with a desired outcome. just don't get too lost in the quest for the outcome, and remember to celebrate the beauty that is yours and DH relationship. BIG HUGS coming your way from Oz.

Well back from the GP. Good news - Dr also got a BFP on a urine test for hCg. So that's good. GP didn't want to order bloods given I have an app with the ob so soon. I am happy enough with that. I am surprised how much more settled I am after the Dr got the same result. I suppose it makes me confident that I am not hallucinating.

The other really good news, is I got a normal result in the Glucose Tolerance Test, and thyroid function test, my iron and haemoglobin levels are right up and all the other tests were within normal limits, except one of the billirubins. I don't know what this is, so am doing to Dr Google it, to start to find out some more info. I didn't see that particular result until I got home and now don't have the chance to ask the GP. Don't worry Dr Google doesn't frighten me anymore. It did once and I got into a real panic, but I was able to rationally talk myself down. I take it all with a grain of salt now, but I also try and look at the academic/hospital sites and not just random sites.

Anyway, I always say soo much. Sorry. I am off to an 18th birthday party - will be a dry one for me! But the birthday girl doesn't actually drink, so there won't be much pressure on, and we can be "wouzers" together.

Take care my petals.

YAY! Dory this is wonderful news. So wonderful that you are embracing this. I am in total awe. So so proud for you. This is very very exciting.
Well done on the GTT. I have no idea where i stand with that anymore...hopefully still ok. I have always been fine but eating so much damn sugar lately...not good.
I think Billirubins are the left over dead red blood cells or something aren't they? It has something to do with jaundice and stuff like that. Hope google has some answers for you.

Cmeggles- It is so good that you are so excited hun...hope it happens quickly. Baby dust to you hun.

Dimples- I am sorry hun, you didn't get your xmas wish then and there...hope this month is the month. Good luck and baby dust.

AFM- Sorry to just rant on about me now. Need to Vent.
Just spent the afternoon writing out invites to my SIL baby shower. Oh boy this will be a hard day. It is the week before when DD died a year ago. The very last thing i want to be doing. If I am not pregnant....i might have to have a few. There will be 2-3 heavily pregnant woman there and 8 BFing babies. I will be utterly surrounded. One of them will be the age that DD would have been if everything turned out ok. Argh...thrilled for them but dreading it for me. I am just a bit stuck on the the fact it has been ten years of infertility for me. Then my baby arrives but dies. I am really pee'd off with that.
You know what the conversation was last night?(at my SIL's place with all the bellies and babies)...What not to name your baby or it will die or be difficult. I couldn't believe it. I get myself into these situations you see. I try my utmost to include myself and get involved and then they think it is ok to say anything and everything because i am 'fine'. But seriously....then i want to run and i feel like i can't do anythign because i have essentially asked for it. I can't complain...I started the conversation. I just didn't plan on it ending up there.
MAN! Glad that is off my chest.
I have to go and finish these envelopes. Grrrr.

Love to all and hope you are all traveling well.
HM xoxo

Hi ladies

Gigi1 - OMG! I can't believe that there were women actually having a conversation about what baby names will result in the baby dying. WHO are these people? And how completely insensitive of them to even have such a ridiculous conversation. Like you somehow brought on your baby's death because of the name you chose? How dumb are these people? Sorry... I am just so angry and annoyed that people can be so stupid by believing these things and insensitive around others who have had a loss. I am sending you a huge number of cyberhugs :hug: to get you through this. With your feeling about SIL no longer being your BF, is there any way you can try to remove yourself from her life for the weeks leading up to your baby's angel-versary? I wish there was some way I could make it all better for you hun. Take care and be kind to yourself. :hug:

Dory - Official congratulations to you :dance: That is great news. I wish you all the best for a H&H next 8 months. :hug: And great news on the GTT, iron levels etc. I am so glad to hear that you are feeling very calm about this pg.

Dimples - yes, you definitely can have a period without ovulating. Most women have an occasional anovulatory cycle without even realising it. Some women who have one dodgy ovary (which I think is me) will routinely have a cycle without ovulation. Have you considered getting a fertility monitor which tests both LH and estrogen which can give you a better indication of what is going on with your cycles? I am using a ClearBlue monitor and have found it is heaps better than the OPKs as I often couldn't tell whether the line was dark enough or not, or sometimes I wouldn't get a line at all.

Aries - sorry to hear about the loss of your friend's mum to breast cancer. It seems to touch everyone in someway and is just so sad. On a brighter note, good luck with the extra dose of clomid. I hope you catch that eggie this cycle!

cmeglles - I too try to plan the romantic nights and not let DH know that sometimes it is more about timing than anything else. It seems to keep him happier, although I know in the back of his mind he knows that I am testing and tracking each day, but I think not talking about it somehow makes it easier for him. We have to look after the poor dears don't we? :lol:

AFM, I gave in a did a HPT yesterday morning and I wasn't surprised to get a BFN on CD21. I had AF like symptoms yesterday so I am guessing that she will visit tomorrow. I am a little disappointed but for me the wait is not over until AF actually arrives.

Anyway, time to wake DH up for breakfast.
Take care and babydust to all
oxo

Gigi! - I am with Chez. These people have no insight or understanding, like so many out there. You are such a strong woman for being involved and participating in your SIL shower. But hey, if as it draws closer you don't want to go because of how you are feeling, then don't go.

I had the same dilemma recently with my nephew's partners baby shower. I was told they were pg not long after Amelia was born in Feb 09. It was devastating at the time. When I got the invite in the mail, it crushed me, scared me but I was also happy to have been invited. I thought about it a while and decided to go. It was hard, not only for my own demons, but once I got there, the only person I knew was my nephew's partner ( although thank god my nephew was lurking in the house) and no one else seemed interested in talking to me when I tried to start up a conversation.

The whole day was actually pretty tough, but I surprised myself by not cracking up and actually getting through it. There were a few times when my thoughts ran away with me, but I got them under control. I had promised myself I would leave if it was too much. But there was only one pg woman and no babies, only toddlers and older kids. Unless you've walked a journey like ours, people just don't understand how hard it is to even contemplate going to a baby shower. I am not sure if I could have contemplated going in the circumstances you are describing..... that's tough.

One of the reasons I decided to go was thinking about how I might feel in the future at not having gone, and having a regret that I didn't even try. The other reasons was that I had hoped to see my niece and her two kids ( my other great niece and great nephew) but they weren't there because of some all in family argument with my nephew and his partner.

I found out later, that my nephew's partner - at all of 19 years old - agonised over whether to invite me and even called my mum to ask her about it. Pretty amazing huh? And now they have asked me to be the godmother to my "great niece" ( but again checking in with my mum to see what she thought).

I am sorry that you had to endure such an inappropriate conversation. I would like to come and shake them by the shoulders until their teeth fall out, and poke them with pins.

But violence aside, can you promise me to do what you think is right by you and only you? You are too precious, and by that I mean both valuable and vulnerable, to be exposing yourself to too much hurt. It's you and your feelings that is important.

BTW - you are right about billirubin, its a by product of the breakdown of red blood cells, and specifically from the breakdown of heme. Everyone has some excreted in their urine, which contributes to its colour. The liver and bile ducts are involved, but I can't remember with any great detail how its all connected. Anyway, too much billirubin can result in jaundice of the skin and eyes. I don't have that.

Dr Google didn't scare me either, found some good pathology sites that provided good basic information and not sensationalist information. End result? I'll ask the Dr and maybe the test can be rerun. It could be indicative of something else or just variations in either my natural biology, the testing methods of the pathology lab. It's all so variable.

Chez - I also agree with you about looking after your man, by not talking about your cycle. Sometimes irgnorance is bliss. It would be nice if we could separate ourselves from it too, but it's too much a part of the outcome we are hoping for to be able to do that. Luckily we women can do more than 1 thing at a time. I am sorry for your BFN, but as you say not over til AF shows up. ( And in my desperation, I always think that AF is implantation bleeding and so do a HPT during AF anyway).

Good luck girls, have a nice day and as Chez said - lots of baby dust to you all.

Hi beautiful friends,
Thank you for you kind words or support and a little madness thrown in there. I really needed that.
The conversation started from one, a speech therapist friend saying that name starting with a certain letter often have difficult behaviour and learning issues. Then my pregnant SIL (well they are both preg) who is a nurse at the children's hospital said that they have a data base of names and a lot of the same ones mentioned by the other friend, get cancer and die. I was a bit shocked and became worried about which names they were and whether or not this phenomenon is for real. I couldn't believe it.
I am trying my hardest to be the best person i can be. Boy that is hard sometimes.

Chez, Oh i hope AF holds off for you and you get a surprise and your dreams come true. I wish i could remove myself from their lives. I may not stay for the whole baby shower, see how i go. Both of my SIL are pregnant and i am trying not to have regrets. But sometimes i get so mad and trapped. My baby is losing significance i guess. They all have live babies, big bellies and unshattered dreams. I don't know what to do with that other than give time and love to them.

Dory, It is still sinking in hun, that you are pregnant with a beautiful baby. It is just so cool. You brave girl for tackling the baby shower as you did. I am angry about my situation a bit. In a normal world i would be like a pig in mud with the baby shower and really going to a lot of effort. I feel cheated that it makes me sad now. I thought i would put together a playlist of music for the day...but ended up in tears and thought no this won't help me on the day. I never thought i would be in a position of such selfishness. Argh! I have dreamed of giving baby showers...and having my own. I am not sure that i want one for myself anymore. I don't know how i feel about that. I am sad that beautiful things have become a chore for me. Give me strength.

See ya guys. Baby dust to all.
Love HM xoox

Hi Everyone :)
Been a while since I have posted.. I will do some persies but if I miss you please don't hold it against me :lol:

Aries - So sorry for the loss of your friend.. How awful. Hope you are looking after yourself

Dory - Again a big congratulations!!! Look after yourself and enjoy.. I always have raised bilirubin.. And when I drink my eyes do go a bit jaundiced.. Doesn't affect my life at all though..

Gigi1- I admire your strength with the baby shower thing.. I am too bitter and twisted to be able to be able to handle that.. I still nearly cry when I walk past the baby section at Target!! And with the 'What not to name your baby' conversation Yuk.. What an awful convo to have to hear!! I understand that they think you're fine.. I do that too then end up hearing conversations about such and such that neglects her kids or uses abortion for contraception.. Makes me so angry..

cmeglles - Good luck with TTC.. a 25% chance is better than no chance at all.. Try and have fun doing it.. I have been ;)

Chez67 - Sorry about BFN but as you say until AF arrives there is still hope..

I know I have missed someone, if I have forgive me :)..

AFM well.. I have a teeny tiny bit of hope (Be prepared for TMI..) As I said in my last post I had started bleeding again.. It was only for 4 days and VERY light.. Since then I have had quite thick CM with a tinge of brown.. I had this when I was pregnant with the twins (but didn't yet know).. The only reason I am not letting myself get too excited is because the timing seems all wrong.. I am just glad to not have a 'period' like bleed and being able to DTD without worrying bout the mess (sorry TMI ;)) We have been making the most of it although I am the same as many of you and don't tell him anything about where I am in my cycle.. I think if I said 'Quick I might be ovulating" he might feel a bit pressured.. Although after we DTD yesterday I refused to get up straight away (it was a spontaneous day one :)) in case the swimmers 'fell out' PMSL.. Keep fingers crossed for me that even if I am not UTD this may be the beginning of my cycle sorting itself out!! Also I have been having mood swings worse than usual... Hmmm...... Am trying to find the happy medium between staying positive and not getting too excited!!

Teagz - Are you still around??

Aries- how are you doing hun? Hope you are feeling ok.

Blessedatlast- I know, i get quite mad that i feel i need to be nice all the time. I want to just bite somedays. It is not easy hun. I have decided to tell my SIL that i will stay as long as i can. I will do what i can to arrange organise, cook etc and i won't stick around for the whole thing. I hope that is met with understanding. Fingers crossed. My fingers are crossed for you too hun. I hope your teeny tiny glimmer of hope is everything you dream. i hope you are pregnant and at the very least...getting on track with the cycle. Enjoy your spontaneity.

I wrote on the bottom of the rough email to collect addresses that if anyone was breast feeding, they were welcome to bring their baby a long. I just didn't think and my SIl pointed out that saying that would offend some people. Of course it would...i felt dreadful. I didn't send it luckily. But for some reason that mistake really hit me, took the wind out of me that i wasn;t considering everyone. I just didn't think it through and made a mistake. I know it sounds silly, but every now and then something just happens and it knocks me for six for no big reason. Never mind.

Love to all
We have ov coming up i the next few days and we are also heading to the coast for a couple of days. I have no desire to dtd at mum and dads so we might just drive back for a night. LOL. I know, it is just a mood killer in your parents house. I just can't do it. I tell hubby, otherwise we just might miss it each month. I hear what you mean though. It does increase pressure. I still have the romantic idea that we are consciously creating life together...bit of a hippy. xx We have tried to not talk about it and then i feel too pressured...can't win hey!

Love to all xx

Gigi1

Sweetie - you don't have to be nice all the time if you don't want to be, and sometimes we all just make honest and unintentional mistakes. I understand that sometimes the realisation that we have or were about to make a mistake prompts us to think about things in ways we wouldn't have expected. Don't be too hard on yourself..... this is a hard time for you. But I also know that your own self image might be that you are a kind and considerate woman and any challenges to that, irrespective of the cause, are going to be hard going.

You have me ROTFL with the complete dip in libido at your parents house. It's funny - I agree now, but when DH and I were teenagers it was a different story....

Blessedatlast - ohhhh, fingers crossed for you.

Chez67 - wicked witch or something else going on?

cmegelles - good to see you are so busy TCC in a shag fest that you haven't been posting...... hope its going well.

Dimples - how are you going? You would be past mid cycle now, if AF visited on Christmas Day.... and into the 2WW.......

Aires- how are you travelling? Still feeling glum? Are you taking care of yourself?

Beata70 - I am just about to call my mum.... I told my MIL yesterday by sending a card with a spotlight voucher in it with the words 'Enjoy, only 248 days to go, hope you solve the mystery". She rang last night very excited. She likes to sew and was going to sew some cot sheets, hence the spotlight voucher for some material.

AFM - getting more used to and excited about it, but apprehensive that the it will be taken away, and trying hard not to worry too much. All those symptoms that people normally complaint about, they are welcome to me. I got excited yesterday when I thought I might puke...... I have never been excited about puking before, so there's a first.

Teagz - am thinking of you.....am hoping you have your baby in your arms and all is ok. I might look at the announcements to see if some news has found its way there.

Samcougar - how are you doing? It's been a while.

Hi ladies

Sorry for not posting for a few days - I have been reading but I am feeling a bit self absorbed at the moment. I guess I am trying hard to be realistic that it is unlikely that I am UTD but AF is now late and while I have no specific symptoms for some reason I just felt that this was our time. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but I am also trying to rationalise it is just my mind being very hopeful. I find myself thinking about whether I am pg or not just about every other minute of the day when I am not working or busy with some other job. I know it is unhealthy to continually obsess and I do try to stop myself.... so when DH rang to say he would be home late from work I did another HPT, which was pretty stupid considering I have been running to the toilet all day today. So it was no surprise to see a BFN. I am considering testing again in the morning if AF doesn't arrive overnight. Sometimes I think she is on her way and then the feelings disappear and I'm back to being hopeful again. Oh well enough of a rant from me - I've been feeling pretty crazy these last few days :wall:

Sorry no headspace for personals today. I will pop back in when I have more news and can be of support to everyone. I do think of you all every day.

Cheryloxo