Kate - that's great news that you were able to change FS so quickly and he/she is so much better. I hope they treat you well. You're right about ignoring the numbers. We are not just a statistic, Leo was not just a statistic. He was a very loved little boy. His siblings, when they come, will be very much loved as well.
Tess - hope your temp is still up
Powelly - hope the test results give you some answers.
Not much here. We've had confirmation that all the samples are finally in the UK for testing, so we're on a wait for those results - hopefully we'll have something by Christmas. Otherwise I'm just tracking things to see if they've returned for normal. I even bought some OPKs because they were on sale. From memory the Forelife ones are OK? I know the Frist Response OPKs are useless. My temps are all over the place, but then I'm having trouble sleeping, having insomnia, not waking at the same time, so it's not very accurate. It doesn't matter for now but when I TTC, it will be more important.
Kate - I am so glad you were able to find a new FS so fast and so far you are more confident with her your post definatly does sound positive. Sadly, with childless mothers I have started to see what we all have in common is the "obsession" to concieve is incredible. I know I have had to step back a few times, as stressing will get me no where. All the best for this month, I am hoping this is a good tracking month for you. Please dont be too sad about not going to her first, hindsight is a rotten thing. Even though I know we all carry it.
Powelly - GL on the test results.
Beata - I too will neer be the same person I was before losing Matthew. Little things seem so insignificant now. For example, the morning I went in to labour, it was a slow progress, and instead of stressing everyone out I went about getting my youngest ready for school. Now, I cant believe how stressed I was about it, but I growled at him several times for using the FULL FLUSH on the toilet when going for a pee. Can you believe that??? Telling him about how high the water bill was this quater. My My. For some reason THAT sticks in my head, he didnt know I was in labour. (he is a worrier). I am almost ashamed I was like that before Februrary, but now, you know what??? I really couldnt care less. Life is far too short, and you never know what tomorrow brings. Things that change your life in an instant.
tashybabe - I hope you get results before Christmas. Fx for you. If it helps at all I am doing my OPKs and my temps at 4pm. Also making sure it is a resting temp. If I did it in the morning I would be in the mid 40s I am sure. HAHA hubby is an oven. OK in winter but come summer.... OMG
GiGi - I hope things are well with you. I know you have been off and about. But I am thinking of you.
AFM - wow as I am typing this I have just had my first coffee for the day and now I feel like vomiting it up.... Anyway, D Day today, AF due to come knocking. My temps did dip down to 36.9 on 8dpo but then slowly started rising again back to 37.6 last night 12dpo. I am reading my body very closly and maybe I shouldnt. But I cant help it. A few days ago the negativity started creeping in about this month. Now I am back on the fence about it. I have an awfull coppery taste in my mouth, that I have never had before. OH I forgot to mention, I have been using the cheapo Pregnancy tests that I got from Ebay. My friend is starting to think they might be faulty??? as they keep showing Whats your thoughts?
I have my second appointment with the phsycologist today. I am skepical about the process, but I am going with the flow for now. Thank you Tashybabe for directing me to the birth trauma section. There is so much in this forum I have not even seen and I thought I had delved pretty deep while I was lurking. I did a bit of a lurk through there, I will have a better look shortly.
Anyway fx everyone in the hope that AF stays away. I am sick of the sight of her, a break of about 9 months would be nice.
Sorry for very quick post, just wanted to let you know all the results came back fantastic. The ob/gyn said nothing indicates a problem and that we have probably just been "unlucky". So we just try and try and try again! My biggest hurdle now is my head... starting to doubt my mental ability to continue on this journey. I keep visualising the end result but argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! I think I'm just having a bad day and AF (the nasty *****) is giving me hell! Hugs to all :-)
Powelly - Thats FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you are having a better day. God knows I have those days. You just think of the end result and it just seems so foggy. It is hard to keep confidence with your ability to trudge on. But we need to huh?
AFM - I am being driven INSANE. These cheapo Ebay tests are still showing me a BFN when I am now 3 days late. and I am NEVER late. GAH........
Powelly - test results sound great. I hope AF has calmed down.
Tess - that must be frustrating. Maybe it's time to break out the big guns and buy a First Response?
AFM - I finally got an +ve OPK, so am waiting for a temp rise tomorrow or Friday. I know it's kind of a waste of money, given we're not TTC yet, but I'm a control freak and I need to know if things are working. Also, I got them on sale - 7 for $10 at priceline, so I can justify that.
We caught up with friends over the weekend for lunch. Their baby girl was born 2 weeks before DS. It was nice to meet her and hold her, but it was difficult too. DH's friend was asking lots of qustions, trying to understand what we're going through. I don't know, it felt like an intellectual exercise for him. I know he meant well, but it's really hard talking about our son like that. Then "Somewhere over the Rainbow" came on and I lost it. I had to run down to the bathroom and have a cry. We played that song at Leo's funeral. I was embarassed but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I need to apologise for missing my son. Then later that night I had another meltdown. I think keeping the defences up when we see people takes energy out of me and the longer I do it, the worse the meltdown afterwards.
Tashybabe - I just want to give you a big hug hun, you need to be kind to yourself. It is still so recent since you lost little Leo, that it is not surprising you had such a meltdown. It would have been very hard to have been around your friend's baby, and it is quite natural for you to feel overwhelmed. I found that songs triggered me as well, and for a while I only listened to the news channel, or channel surfed when a song came on that triggered an emotional response in me. You are so right about taking the energy to be around others which ends up in a big crash. I found accepting that as part of the grieving process made it easier for me. At least your friend acknowledged your pain and maybe he thought having you talk about it might help him understand and therefore help (guys want to fix things) and maybe help you too. Many friends of ours, and family, have never spoken about Ryan to us again after the initial 'telling'. I used to think that was because they were uncomfortable about it, and they probably were, but also because they thought we didn't want to talk about it, and we didn't for quite a while. I am not sure when that changes, but it will, and I can now talk about him to close friends and family without collapsing into a dark hole for days after. It will happen for you too. In the meantime, do something for yourself that makes you happy, even if it is just to see a movie, or walk in the park, something that makes you smile - it really helps the soul.
Powelly, that is great news from your ob/gyn. Now it's time to think lucky! Sending you lots of babydust!
Ladytess - how are you going hun? Has AF stayed away for you? FX and stickyvibes coming your way.
Kateo - great news on the new FS. It can make a world of difference having someone you can relate to and respects your questions and concerns. I wish you truckloads of luck!
Gigi - hope all is well with you hun.
AFM, sorry I have been MIA... we have been so busy but I have been thinking I must let you all know what's going on. Pick up was Monday and we had great results and 2 blasts were transferred Saturday. We will have some frosties in the freezer as well as a backup, which is nice and a first.
So I am PUPO! It was quite emotional for me, so I am very glad to have had acupuncture before and after the transfer as that really helped with my emotions. I spent the afternoon lying in bed watching a movie and eating some amazing pastries that DH picked up - he's fantastic! We are both very happy that we went down this track.
Ok I have a lot of catching up to do. I feel like i have been hooked up to this computer all day. All worth it to chat with you ladies.
Where do i start and i hope i don't miss anyone.
Dory and Beata- Nice to hear from you both, dropping by- you both have such wisdom and love to give.
Kate- Love- what a horrible experience with your carers. I just can't believe that. I respect you might have moved on and I am catching up. I am just struck with astonishment that they got away with that behaviour. I am SO SO glad you have found someone else and even more perfect for the job. What a blessing in diguise!! You don't need to stand for that previous rubbish. I second Cheza's words!! If any comfort to you love, I am petrified of needles and hospitals. I was set up for a home birth for DD before it all went pear shaped. I keep a stash of Emla cream in my fridge for jabs when I am not pregnant of course. I always end up in tears for needles. I am a shocker but it is a real big fear for me...that and the dentist! I am not very fearful of anything else really...ok maybe there are a few more things...but hey I am not loopy either hun. I am as normal as it gets. So you are not alone there.
Great advice re the % and stats hun. I have always said...when you are on the other side of that sort of thing and the stas have 'touched' you, they mean nothing. Life is a game of chance, and we can make of it what we want. We are all unique...i hear you- well said love.
I am sure Ellan is real proud of her mumma!
Chez, Hey love, Hope you are hanging in there hun. How did the assignment go? Been thinking of you and your journey. Sending you lots of love and luck. xoxoxo
Powelly, good on you for taking that month of rest hun...good on you for welcoming it. Now you are even more ready to throw yourself back in. Great news on the results love and hope it gives you the boost you need to tackle this head on. xoxoxo
Tash- i just read your story on Leo hun, beautifully written with such strength and grace. You are incredible. I really felt your moment, your love and your pain, as much as anyone can without being in your shoes. What i mean to say is, your heart was open as you wrote and it was just awe inspiring. So so normal to have those feelings re boy and girls. You will find it is exactly the same as before Leo but with more gravity. I wanted both, found out we were having a girl and fell in love with the idea. The day we found out she was a girl was also the day we found out she will not make it to the end. She would never breath, run and giggle like other little girls. Losing her, I couldn't imagine anything other than having a girl. I had the same fears or replacing her but i knew that was not a reality. We are not all crazy and these thoughts in time make sense. I was not ready to start straight away...we made love for the first time on her EDD. We were not ready but we knew it was not goig to be straight forward for us so we started trying anyway. We figured that we had the pressure of time, sooner was better than later for my endo and my body. Spiritually we were not ready until we would have been shoudl she have survived. We can see now and comfort ourselves by thinking that we needed this time with her...she fills our life. It is the same as if she survivied and we were having a second living child. Some can do that- we couldn't. I think I would have collapsed. So she would be of an age now that I could consider having another. That is where we are at. I have always been told that our next child will be a boy. A part of me aches for a girl, I ache for my DD. I have also known the love of little boys as full on as my nephew has been. I see that i could love a little boy just as much as a girl. I just miss my little girl. She will never be replaced but i do crave to know exactly what i am missing. Sometimes i crave that grief. It is as close as i can get to her.
I part of me died with DD too hun. I get that. I am different now. I hope a better person with just as much to give, but what i can give has changed. I found myself recently getting all upset and angry. Our week in melbourne, was fantastic by the way. It was also a challenge and a week of self discovery for me. We have not spent a lot of time with these people in a while and they are beautiful and loving people who will be in our life forever. A lot has changed for us since our times with them...i found myself being quite judgemental and angry at how they and their friends are so obsessed over things that used to have some importance to us. Image, who you know, what you know, where you eat, what you do....honestly who gives a s....! I got so upset at various times of the opinionated rubbish that people carry on with about such shallow things. WHO CARES! Says she who is being quite judgemental and opinionated here herself! Oh dear. I just feel that life is precious and love is paramount.
I agree with TEss. Who cares what someone is wearing or what they do for a living and whether or not they can hold a rubbish conversation with big words! Ha...got that out now didn't i! What i mean to say is...I get you! Now i will leave the exclaimation marks alone and move on.
Oh and i agree on the comment you made re spending time with others can be so draining of strength. I have learnt about myself that to exist in the world as other would like me to means i have to spend more time alone and with DH honouring us and our life with DD. If the balance becomes too much out of kitler, it all falls apart and I find myself in troubled times. Finding your balance takes time. I try not to resent others for not wanting to exist in our world, not even for a minute but i cant' wish that on them either. It is a different existance -life after losing a child. It can get lonely and very isolating.
Wishes and hugs to you hun. You are just incredible. xoxoxo
Tess, Yes that spirit baby book is a great read and a huge comfort to us too. PTSD is not recognised in parents going through this nearly as much as it should be. You are doing so well and I am sure Matthew is fluttering by you for every moment. I hope you get to take your time with your new role as Aunty- congratulations by the way. It is a bitter sweet situation and I hope you have understandin around you at this time. Your comments on life are so well writen and well put- i totally and passionately agree as you might have read above.
Thinking of you.
AFM- Well I am having a bit of a rocky couple of days here. Missing my angel like crazy. Dumbfounded still that her name is rarely mentioned and all but on one occasion, we are the ones to bring her up all the time. My SIL was saying some things...not mean, just not thoughtful to how it might feel for me...last week. I have got used to grinning and bearing it. Nothing is said that warrants a blasting or a few words, but it still cuts. The things that are said put a big spolight on the huge reminders to us that DD is not here and not a part of other people lives as we would have hoped. However on this occasion, she walked away to change my N's nappy, and came back with a tear in her eye. She said she was sorry to not include DD in her words and that of course she is a valid member of the family. She said she tells My N of her all the time and I know that might not be true but it was lovely to here. I just broke down into tears and thanked her. She said she understand that there is never a day that we don't live for her and she said i was such a loving mum to remember her the way i do. I really really needed to hear that.
I am legend aunty on call for babysitting and cuddles, chats and fun times. I am proud of that. I am also a mum but my relationship with my child is different to theirs. I talk to them about their babies all the time no matter how painful that can get. It woul dbe nice to have one or two conversations about our child. I was really grateful for that, someone else giving time, energy and tears for our DD. That is rare now. I thin I am a bit anxious coming up to Christmas. When this year is gone, I can no longer say we lost our child LAST year...more time will have passed. I miss her so much and Christmas is hard. I will make her a stocking for this year and we will do what we did last, add a note each day for her and read them out on xmas day. All the thougths and gifts we would have bought her leading up to that time. We will jsut e alone that day again. I think that is still what is best for us.
Anyway- we are still on track for stalk delivery and all is good in our world. Busy week ahead. I am not sure why we get so busy towards the end of the year...it is like we are in a rush to complete everything under the sun. That is fine. A new year and a new baby is on the way. Lots of good thing to come. Girls thank you so much for all your love and support, understanding and friendship. Love and hope to you all.
Morning Ladies
Whats your thoughts?
to all
I just want to give you a big hug hun, you need to be kind to yourself. It is still so recent since you lost little Leo, that it is not surprising you had such a meltdown. It would have been very hard to have been around your friend's baby, and it is quite natural for you to feel overwhelmed. I found that songs triggered me as well, and for a while I only listened to the news channel, or channel surfed when a song came on that triggered an emotional response in me. You are so right about taking the energy to be around others which ends up in a big crash. I found accepting that as part of the grieving process made it easier for me. At least your friend acknowledged your pain and maybe he thought having you talk about it might help him understand and therefore help (guys want to fix things) and maybe help you too. Many friends of ours, and family, have never spoken about Ryan to us again after the initial 'telling'. I used to think that was because they were uncomfortable about it, and they probably were, but also because they thought we didn't want to talk about it, and we didn't for quite a while. I am not sure when that changes, but it will, and I can now talk about him to close friends and family without collapsing into a dark hole for days after. It will happen for you too. In the meantime, do something for yourself that makes you happy, even if it is just to see a movie, or walk in the park, something that makes you smile - it really helps the soul.
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